despair Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious despair puns

When my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant I started crying in despair

It is because I know so well what is it like to grow without a father ...

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A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

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Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in despair, mon," he replied.

Shortly after, the third Jamaican guy turns up, stark naked with his cock in a bowl of custard.

Completely confused, the host asks, "what the hell are you supposed to be?"

He replies, "I"m fucking disgusted, mon."

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Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays..

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David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil...

The Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...
You a drinking' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer ...we drink until we throw up and then
we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

The Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: Yes
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who
cares - you're already dead?
Guy: Wow!

The Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want...blackjack, roulette,
poker, whatever... If you lose your shirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!

The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

The Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays....

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Christmas...FB style!

β€Ž'Twas a cold day on Facebook, and all through the house.


Not a creature was posting, not even a #mouse.

The photos were set, in an album with care.

The girls were hoping someone would mention their hair.

.

But no one did, much to their despair.

No one really noticed, liked it, or cared.

Try as they might, taking pics all through the night.

Taking pictures of yourself, just isn't right.

.

With duck faces galore, and dressed up like a whore,

twas on this day in december, not a soul would remember.


Trust me you just aren't that hot, and we will just keep on livin',

yes on this day in december, not a flying fuck was given.

.

Cause for a fuck to be given, one has to be had,

And now I can see, and i hope you're not mad.

For no matter the process you took to look splendid,

not one person cared, and now this christmas story has ended.

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The fancy dress party

Steve and Jeff went to a fancy dress party. The theme was "Emotions".

Jeff turns up, stark naked with his dick in a pear. Steve turns up, stark naked, his dick in a bowl of custard.

"What did you two come as?"

Jeff: "I'm deep in despair, Steve is fucking disgusted"

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Guy walks into a bar and is in despair....

He sits down and asks for 6 top shelf whiskey shots all lined up....


The bartender pours them all out and the guy quickly shoots them one by one.


He asks for 6 more and the bartender obliged. As he's pouring the next 6 shots he gently asks the guy if he's ok.


The man replies with an awkward demeanor - " yah....I'm ok... But you would be nervous too if you had what I had."


The bartender asks the man curiously as he is finishing pouring the last round of shots....... "well... What do you have??"



the man quickly finishes drinking the last of the second round of shots and replies...




" fifty cents."

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Despair.

What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling.

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Don't Despair

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair ~ Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper and wrapped the $100 bill in it Then she got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "*Don't Despair* paid 80-to-1!"

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The devil is giving a banker a tour of hell...

... and as they're passing the pits of despair the banker notices a pit with no guards.
"Won't the sinners escape with no guards?" Asks the banker.
The devil replies, "Oh that pit is filled with the socialists, they don't need guards. As soon as one crawls out the others pull him back in."

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A guys gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says: "I'm afraid that I have some really bad news for you. Your test results are back and it says here that you only have one more day to live".

The man grasps for breath and cries out: "doctor, that's terrible news, how can that be?".

The doctor says: "I'm afraid I have more bad news for you".

"What, what now? What could possibly be worse than that?" the man, now in total despair, asks.

"I really tried, but I couldn't reach you yesterday" the doctor answers.

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I learned an evil magic spell to make readers feel great despair with only 3 words.

Awkward childhood memories.

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Where do tormented people sleep?

In despair bedroom.

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Nihilistic Kindergartners

David Bloom gained notoriety for his book Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet. Noted for its brute realism, the book's message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called Kierkegaardeners , whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.

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England squad visiting

England squad visited a russian orphanage today. It was heartbreaking to see the despair and lack of hope in their eyes said Dimitri, 6.

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Mickey and Minnie go to a counselor

Mickey and Minnie decided to go to a counselor due to recent relationship despair.

The counselor says, "So Mickey, you told me the Minnie was acting a little silly."

With that Mickey responds, "No! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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If you feel stuck in life don't despair...

A life without motion is still life.

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What did the eyeball say?

Eyes, in deep despair, looking up, said in a passive tone, "wazzup brow"

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Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren't in theme, so I can't let you in."

The first guy argues, "What are you talkin' about? I'm in despair!"

The host shrugs and lets him in.

The second guy argues, "What are you talkin' about? I'm in distress!"

The host shrugs again and lets him in, too. But, he stops the third guy, who's butt-naked except for the custard pie around his pecker and says, "There's no way you're in theme, so don't even try."

The third guy retorts, "What are you talkin' about? I'm fucking disgusted!"

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Why was the Mexican tire sad?

Because it was despair

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What do you call it when the only cow on your dairy farm won't produce milk?

Utter despair.

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What did a depressed Lord Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew?

"KILL DESPAIR!"

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What did the dolphin tell his friend with existential despair?

You have a porpoise in life!

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Why do women have a hard time choosing what to eat?

Because what they decided to eat in the beginning released evil and despair into earth.

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I'm in despair

Sorryβ€” I'm in The Spar. Forgot my reading glasses. Just popped in for a loaf of bread.

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What was the old man in despair about?

Nothing.

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What are the most funny Despair jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Despair? Well, here are the best Despair dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Despair pick up lines to share with friends.

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