deserves Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious deserves puns

A joke I just invented (I think!)

I think lying face down in the middle of a herd of cows deserves a pat on the back.

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Rihanna's take on the meteor

A massive meteor has hit Russia injuring hundreds, Rihanna insist that the meteor has changed and deserves a second chance.

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A priest, a schoolkid and a business man are on a plane

The plane is out of fuel and slowly heading towards the ground

With no airstrip in sight, they are advised by the pilots to take parachutes and jump

But there is only one parachute for the three of them

The business man, without even thinking, starts putting on the parachute

The priest says
"My son, hold on for a minute, the children is still very young, don't you think he deserves it more than we do?"

The business man replies "fuck the kid man, I'm taking it"
And quickly jumps out of the plane

The priest turns to the kid, and says "Well, you heard the man"

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Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day..

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Penny," the
man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews are all alike. Money,
money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out
of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"

Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. "I've been a devout Catholic throughout my life, attended church every Sunday, and always gave generously to the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the
Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink.
You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight!
You are damned to Hell!"

With that, the Greek guy turns to his wife and
says, "Fanny, I think we have a problem..."

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A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook.

But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

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A child falls into a lion pit at the zoo...

The crowd is shocked, but a man jumps into the pit, punches the lion, and returns the child to safety. Another man runs up to the hero and says "I'm a reporter for the New York Times, and what you did is incredible! This deserves to be on the front page tomorrow, just tell me what your occupation is and your political affiliation is."

The hero replied "I'm a marine, and I'm a Republican." The next day, the front page of the New York Times reads

"REPUBLICAN MARINE PUNCHES AFRICAN IMMIGRANT, STEALS LUNCH"

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Michael Phelps is officially the winningest Olympian of all
time.

he deserves a medal or something.

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I believe everyone deserves to be treated equally.

It shouldn't matter if you're brown, black, yellow, or normal!

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What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummy bear.

I know it's bad, but everyone deserves a good arsenal of dad jokes.

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Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean...

When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

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Can we have a moment of silence for Mr. Finnegan?

He was married for 50 years, the poor guy deserves at least one.

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What a man deserves.

A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, a woman who can fulfill his desires, and a woman who can cook. Most importantly, he must make sure these women never meet each other.

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I didn't really like anyone during my first year at Columbine

but eventually I decided that everyone deserves a shot

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The little boy runs up to his father and asks him, "Dad, what's 'sex'?"

His father was obviously more than a little taken aback up this question, but he figures to himself that if his 4 year old is old enough to ask it then he deserves a proper explanation.

So he seats him down next to him and gives him the whole deal - drawings, pictures from the Internet on his phone, etc.

Meanwhile, the son appears to be getting more and more confused. Finally, when the father thinks he's done, he stops and asks, "All right, my boy. Now, do you have any questions?"

The son shakes his head hesitantly, still a little taken aback by all that he's been told.

"Oh by the way," the father continues. "Where'd you hear the word from?"

The son replies, "Mom said that dinner would be ready in a coupla secs."

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I read that sneezing is equal to 1/8 of an orgasm.

So I leave pepper next to my wife's bed, because she deserves at least something.

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I love the English cricket team....

The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.

No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to be led by a Cook.

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Custody Battle

Husband and wife are fighting in divorce court for the custody of their child.

The judge asked the mother to make her case as to why she deserves to have custody.
The mother puts on a passionate plea and shocks everyone in the court room. When she is done the judge turns to the father and says "she makes a compelling case and doesn't look like your getting the child but I must give you a chance to speak"


Father knows he is screwed as he is standing up to make his statement, being nervous by putting his hand in his pocket. All of a sudden he feels a coin in his pocket knowing that he is screwed out of child custody as well as the family equity... pondering over and finally speaking the words "Your honor, if i put this coin in a pop machine and a pop comes out does the pop belong to me or the vending machine?".



Judge says to the father "you get custody"

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My dad told me that everyone deserves the right to get married.

Accept the gays.

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What do you call a curry that gets what it deserves?

Chicken karma!

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The manager of my power drill company was doing so well I promoted him to head of the cement mixer division.

One good turn deserves another.

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Which delicious dairy snack deserves to form an independent nation of from the territory of three authoritarian nations?

The Cheese Kurds.

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R.I.P. Dad

He's had a long day and deserves a good nap...

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Fire alarms should just play Nickelback

Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.

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Jimmy Norton Deserves More Criticism

Jimmy should have left the show. If he's actually interested in putting out a quality comedic product, how can he remain doing the O&J show?

I'm tired of people saying that "anyone would have taken the paycheck." Jimmy's a middle-aged man with no wife, no kids, a decent amount of assets, and multiple sources of income. Why is he always so concerned about money?

2 years ago, I worked a 6-figure job that I hated to pursue an art career. I make 1/3rd of what I used to, but I'm way happier and have no regrets. If I had a wife + kids, obviously it'd be different.

Unlike Patrice or Colin or Burr, Jimmy's always been more interested in being famous than being a great comedian, and that perspective is why he'll never be a great stand-up.

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Why wasn't Hillary Clinton prosecuted?

She deserves affair trial.

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When will a Knight gets a phrasing he deserves?

Right before someone going to bed.

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Join Kahoot: 434118

make my foods teacher angry she deserves it. don't hold back.

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No male deserves to win the lottery..

They already won it when they were born.

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Everyone was devastated after finding Elvis dead on his toilet

But every King deserves a throne

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He deserves an accolade at least.

Teacher: What do we call the science of classifying things?

My Kid: RACISM, because Dad always emphasises on it.

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I heard Aretha Franklin pass away today.

I really hope she gets the r e s p e c t she deserves.

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How does an imam keep his tea hot? He uses a thermosque flask

yes, I know, that deserves a beheading

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Why do the Asian public defenders clients always get executed?

Because he always concedes to the prosecution that his defendant deserves to be rocked up.

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Did you hear the news about Hillary Clinton?

She is the lying cunt America deserves.

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I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

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What are the most funny Deserves jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Deserves? Well, here are the best Deserves dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Deserves pick up lines to share with friends.

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