Deserve Jokes
112 deserve jokes and hilarious deserve puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deserve that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Deserve Short Jokes
Short deserve jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deserve humour may include short entitled jokes also.
- Alexa, tell me a joke Alexa, tell me a joke. ...Alexa? Alexa?
Sorry, I wasn't listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.
Really? Well, that's nic-
Would you like to hear another joke? - *Introducing my girlfriend to the family* Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..
Me: But mom, I lov.....
Mom: I was talking to her. - So i just ate at this new restaurant called Karma They don't have menus, they just give you what you deserve.
- What's at the centre of No Man's sky universe? A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post) - So my dentist says to me... So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"
Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"
This literally just happened. She lost it. - A joke I just invented (I think!) I think lying face down in the middle of a herd of cows deserves a pat on the back.
- Rihanna's take on the meteor A massive meteor has hit Russia injuring hundreds, Rihanna insist that the meteor has changed and deserves a second chance.
- Less time in prison than he deserved why did the convict get? Because the sentence got mixed up.
- I lost the Sore loser Award last night... It's okay. The guy who won really deserved it and there is always next year.
- This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks. One almost caught our christmas decoration on fire.
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Deserve One Liners
Which deserve one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deserve? I can suggest the ones about reward and honor.
- Why are subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"? Even art majors deserve recognition
- The professor told me, You don't deserve an A for this essay! He..berated me.
- We need to break up... ...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!
- the person who invented knock knock jokes ... deserves a Nobel prize
- 2020 is starting to feel like... The game of thrones series finale we deserve
- I deserve to be with someone who accepts me for who I am pretending to be.
- I don't have a sense of entitlement... but I deserve one.
- I always knock on the door and don't use the doorbell. I think i deserve a Nobel prize.
- I'd like to have more self-esteem but I don't deserve it.
- I'm sorry you're dealing with imposter syndrome You don't deserve it.
- I believe that the ultra rich deserve to be treated like royalty Louis XVI, specifically
- I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss.
- People really should stop tipping cows. They deserve a decent hourly wage!
- Why did the scientists clone Chance the Rapper? Because people deserve a second Chance.
- I was her bread, she was my jam One day she left me saying "you deserve butter".
Silly & Ridiculous Deserve Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about deserve you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean congratulate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deserve pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GF: Are you seriously going to open the blinds n**...?
ME: yes, I feel like if people put enough effort to look through hundreds of hotel windows, then they deserve to get a prize.
GF: oh! like "You sir just earned yourself a wiener view"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
One day bush went jogging...
One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you.
The first boy said, Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!
I'll personally hand it to you, said Bush. I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos, the second boy said.
I'll buy them myself and give them to you, said Bush. And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it, said the third boy.
I'll personally … wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!
No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.
Which tire was flat?
Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"
Why sacrifice virgins?
Because they've done nothing to deserve it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the bicycle repairman done?
George Bush and Al Gore walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "what's up?"
Bush says "Well, tomorrow, I'm going to have the troops storm into iraq and kill 2000 Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.
The bartender replies "Oh my god, what did the bicycle repairman done to deserve this?"
Bush then turns to Gore and patted him on the back and says "See, i told you no one would care about those 2000 iraqis."
Two students go skiing..
Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"
The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise
The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.
They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"
The man looked surprised.
The eyebrows said, "Thank you."
Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?
#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.
*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*
*
People keep telling me i'm self-deprecating.
I don't think i deserve that.
Three men die and go to heaven.
God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."
Some would say firemen deserve more money. A pole was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy asks his dad,
"Why do women have periods?"
Dad: ...because they deserve them.
It's true, women and children should always be rescued first.
Men deserve to rest in peace.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...
I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,
for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.
Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.
Black Levi's Matter.
Why do those with open wounds deserve love the most?
Because they're going to need a suture soon!
What is the quickest way to get Trump out of The White House??
Put Monica Lewinsky in there.
She's not the hero we deserve, but she'd be da real MVP we need right now.
Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?
Because it is just as real as the other religions.
I'm going to buy a field. Then I'm going to go and stand in it.
While I'm there, I'm going to ring my boss and tell him I deserve a pay rise because I'm out standing in my field.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently kicked a really bad habit
Some nuns deserve it.
My friend told me, "I don't support euthanasia."
I replied, "You should be ashamed of yourself! The young people in Asia deserve as much support as the young people on any other continent."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isn't it funny how anti-vaxxer's children....
Always seem to get what their parents deserve?
I believe I made this up but I'm posting here to see if anyone else has heard anything similar.
I'm one week sober!
I deserve a drink
God said to Gabriel:
"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"
I don't judge people.
People don't deserve to be judged by me.
I don't have an iPhone, cause
iPhone also said "you deserve better"
You really have to feel bad for applesauce producers this time of year...
they never seem to get the press they deserve.
I'm not a pessimist.
Only because I don't deserve a label.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I joined a BPD support group to deal with my abandonment issues.
But I didn't deserve those beautiful losers, so I left them.
My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...
I think they deserve a raise.
What does every women deserve from their man, starts with a 'D', and goes in their mouth?
Dinner
At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...
... it was a good trade
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week
I told her that when ladies answer the door say, Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you cross a poisonous viper and a giant scorpion?
Probably what you deserve.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone talks about physical and emotional a**......
...but what about Alcohol a**...? What did poor alcohol do to deserve it?
If you can't handle me at my lo-diddliest
You don't deserve me at my hi-diddliest, neighborino.
The Foo Fighters are so good they deserve their own genre.
It's called rock'n'Grohl.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes some people deserve a good high five,
in the face, with a chair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an ant that feels they deserve to mate with the queen but the colony is rigged against them.?
An incel-ant.
I have a responsibility to make you laugh.
And if I can't, I deserve to kid you.
I once saw a sign that said "Speed limit enforced by aircraft."
I'm pretty sure if you're getting pulled over by an F-16, you deserve to be driving that fast.
There are only two types of people: those that deserve to live...
... and those that don't know anything about false dichotomies.
A student receives a bad grade on his exam
And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
He deserves an accolade at least.
Teacher: What do we call the science of classifying things?
My Kid: RACISM, because Dad always emphasises on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mother told me that losers don't deserve to be commended.
So, naturally, I took down the confederate flag from the porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My vegetarian friend
My vegetarian friend believes that animals don't deserve to just die for our food, and she always lectures everybody about it. One day, I caught her having a Carribean takeaway, which was clearly chicken, so I did what she would've done and started going on about how that chicken didn't deserve to die just for her dinner.
She then said,
"If the menu said 'kind chicken' or 'loving chicken', then I wouldn't be eating it, but it says right here- j**... chicken'".
My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.
But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.
What do you deserve and is also a type of bagel?
Everything
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does ann coulter deserve to be immortal?
Because she's clearly dead on the inside and we can't end her suffering.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Irish Judges and women have in common?
According to irish law they both deserve to be assaulted
One for wearing thongs, the other for wearing a s**... wig.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nobody has to worry about me killing myself.
I don't deserve to be that happy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't understand why it's i**... to have s**... with a miner
they provide us with coal and electricity they deserve a little fun
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gay people deserve to die
Yes, that's a rough and hard statement to s**....
My Door Bell is not working
I deserve NoBell prize
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why all the hate against lazy people?
They've done nothing to deserve it...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You get what you deserve
Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town's morals, stuck her nose into everyone's business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.
George, everyone who sees it there will know what you're doing, she told him in front of their church group.
George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house and left it there all night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
10 worst states in America
**10.There aren't**
**9. Any states**
**8. That**
**7. Deserve to be**
**6. Labeled as "worst"**
**5. Because**
**4. They all**
**3. Have their own**
**2. Wonderful features.**
**1. California**
As a cat, I'm overfed, over pampered, and spoiled rotten...
And I deserve much better than this!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a redditor get free karma he doesn't deserve?
Piece of cake.
What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?
"Your deserve butter."
