Deserve Jokes

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

What did the bicycle repairman done?

George Bush and Al Gore walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "what's up?"
Bush says "Well, tomorrow, I'm going to have the troops storm into iraq and kill 2000 Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.
The bartender replies "Oh my god, what did the bicycle repairman done to deserve this?"
Bush then turns to Gore and patted him on the back and says "See, i told you no one would care about those 2000 iraqis."

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.
They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"
The man looked surprised.
The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.
*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*
*

Three men die and go to heaven.

God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."

Some would say firemen deserve more money. A pole was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

A boy asks his dad,

"Why do women have periods?"
Dad: ...because they deserve them.

It's true, women and children should always be rescued first.

Men deserve to rest in peace.

At the Karma Cafe, there is no menu

you get what you deserve

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.

Black Levi's Matter.

Some people say the firefighters deserve more money.

But apparently they took a poll and the all fell through a hole in the floor.

Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?

Because it is just as real as the other religions.

What do you get when you cross a bullet with your head?

What you deserve.

I'm going to buy a field. Then I'm going to go and stand in it.

While I'm there, I'm going to ring my boss and tell him I deserve a pay rise because I'm out standing in my field.

My friend told me, "I don't support euthanasia."

I replied, "You should be ashamed of yourself! The young people in Asia deserve as much support as the young people on any other continent."

Isn't it funny how anti-vaxxer's children....

Always seem to get what their parents deserve?
I believe I made this up but I'm posting here to see if anyone else has heard anything similar.

I'm one week sober!

I deserve a drink

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"

I don't have an iPhone, cause

iPhone also said "you deserve better"

You really have to feel bad for applesauce producers this time of year...

they never seem to get the press they deserve.

I was her bread, she was my jam

One day she left me saying "you deserve butter".

I joined a BPD support group to deal with my abandonment issues.

But I didn't deserve those beautiful losers, so I left them.

My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

What does every women deserve from their man, starts with a 'D', and goes in their mouth?

Dinner

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I believe everyone deserves to be treated equally.

It shouldn't matter if you're brown, black, yellow, or normal!

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.

What do you get when you cross a poisonous viper and a giant scorpion?

Probably what you deserve.

I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion

He said that's why I'm not the boss.

People really should stop tipping cows.

They deserve a decent hourly wage!

Sometimes some people deserve a good high five,

in the face, with a chair.

I once saw a sign that said "Speed limit enforced by aircraft."

I'm pretty sure if you're getting pulled over by an F-16, you deserve to be driving that fast.

What do you call someone who thinks they deserve a senior discount?

A white hair supremacist.

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'

They say firefighters deserve higher wages

but apparently a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

My mother told me that losers don't deserve to be commended.

So, naturally, I took down the confederate flag from the porch.

My vegetarian friend

My vegetarian friend believes that animals don't deserve to just die for our food, and she always lectures everybody about it. One day, I caught her having a Carribean takeaway, which was clearly chicken, so I did what she would've done and started going on about how that chicken didn't deserve to die just for her dinner.
She then said,
"If the menu said 'kind chicken' or 'loving chicken', then I wouldn't be eating it, but it says right here- j**... chicken'".

Have you heard about this new resturant called Karma

There´s no menu, you get what you deserve

My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.

But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.

Why did the scientists clone Chance the Rapper?

Because people deserve a second Chance.

I would like some more self esteem

But I don't deserve it.

Guy: Meet my girlfriend. Mom: You deserve better don't settle for this. Guy: But mom I love..

Mom: I am talking to her.

I was the bread she was my jam but....

She said that I deserve butter.

They just opened a new Buddhist restaurant in my city...

It's called Karma. The thing is, they don't have a menu.
Instead, you get what you deserve.

Why all the hate against lazy people?

They've done nothing to deserve it...

Have you heard of the new restaurant called Karma

There's no menu, you get what you deserve

10 worst states in America

**10.There aren't**
**9. Any states**
**8. That**
**7. Deserve to be**
**6. Labeled as "worst"**
**5. Because**
**4. They all**
**3. Have their own**
**2. Wonderful features.**
**1. California**

Karma Restaurant doesn't have a menu

everyone gets what they deserve.

One day jam broke up with bread and what did she say

She said u deserve "butter"

As a cat, I'm overfed, over pampered, and spoiled rotten...

And I deserve much better than this!

Heard about the new restaurant called karma?

There's no menu, you just get what others deserve.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"

I went to that new restaurant called karma

Turns out there's no menu you get what you deserve

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our christmas decoration on fire.

What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

Have you heard of the new restaurant? It's called Karma.

They don't have a menu.
You get what you deserve.

Cake Day special: Hear about the new restaurant called karma?

There's no menu... you get what you deserve.

A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself

She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.
Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:

What will be a the menu of a restaurant named karma?

There will be no menu you will get what you will deserve

A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...

And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask? , said the wealthy homeowner.
3 reasons: Because I'm a better cook than you are , said the maid.
Who told you that?
Your husband. And I'm also better at cleaning.
Who told you that?
Also your husband.
And the third reason why you think I should give you a raise?
Because I'm a LOT better in bed than you.
Hmmm... did my husband tell you that, too?
No, ma'am... the gardener.