desert Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious desert puns

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

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Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen

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A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

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Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

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3 guys and one girl are stranded on a desert island.

After one week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing that she kills herself.

After another week the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing that...they bury her.

Another week goes by and the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing...so they dig her back up.

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A lumberjack applies for a job...

...the interviewer asks, "so, where have you worked previously?"

The lumberjack replies, "I did a few years in the Sahara Forest."

The interviewer, taken aback, inquires, "the Sahara 'Forest?' Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

Lumberjack says, "yeah, that's what they call it now."

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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

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What do you call a waffle you drop in the desert?

San Diego

^^San-dee-eygo
^^^^sandee-eygo
^^^^^sandy-eggo
^^^^^i'll ^^^^let^^^^myself^^^^out

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Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."

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Three boys are playing marines outside...

A man walks up to them and asks what they're up to. The first boy doing air squats says I'm rock climbing. The second boy running in place says I'm on tour right now running through the desert. The third boy doing push-ups says I'm friends with these two and while they're on tour l'm fucking their wives.

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Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, So, what experience do you have? The lumberjack replies, Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?

The lumberjack says, Yeah, that's what they call it now.

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Why does ISIS call camels "Ships of the Desert"?

Because they are full of ISIS seamen.

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An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.

Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

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It's amazing how people in the desert never starve because of all the sand which is there.

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3 men and a woman are stranded on a desert island...

After the first week, the woman gets so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After the second week, the men get so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury the woman.
After the third week, the men get so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her back up.

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Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.

The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty." The redhead says, "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."

The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."

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After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny..

"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."

Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.

"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."

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I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting

Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.

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The Sahara desert walks into a bar.

The barman says "long time no sea."

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If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?

I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.

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A penguin goes on holiday...

A penguin goes on holiday to the desert. He's driving happily along in his car when it breaks down. Luckily, the car makes it to a service stop with a mechanic. So he asks the mechanic to have a look and the mechanic tells him it will be half an hour. Happy with this, the penguin goes to get an ice cream. Unfortunately, because he has flippers, he makes a right mess of the ice cream and gets it every where.

After his ice cream, he goes back the mechanic. As he walks into the garage, the mechanic says to him "looks like you've blown a seal" to which the penguin replies "damn is it all over my face?"

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A blonde, a readhead and a brunette in a desert

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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A man is walking through the desert...

A man is walking through the desert, when suddenly he finds a lamp. Remembering of the tales he used to be told when he was a child, he rubs his hand on the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie says he will grant one wish.

The man says,

"I want my penis to touch the ground!"

The man loses both legs and the genie disappears.

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Taliban meets a Jew

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was trudging through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water he hurried towards it only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.

The Taliban shouted, Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

OK, OK said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!

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An archeologist is riding through the desert

[Another great joke from German comedian Otto Waalkes]

An archeologist is riding through the desert on his loyal horse Wallah, when he hears a voice.

*get off*

...

*get off*

He gets off his horse and looks around. He doesn't see anyone.

Then he hears it again.

*dig*

"Dig?!"

*yeeees...*

He grabs his shovel and starts digging. After a few minutes of shoveling sand and dirt, he hits something hard.

Half an hour of digging and he is finally able to lift the heavy object from where it was buried. It's an old chest, full of gold.

He is overwhelmed by happiness.

*Vegas*

"To Las Vegas?!"

*yeeees...*

He fills his bags with the gold and packs his horse, then rides to Las Vegas.

He doesn't hear the voice until he arrives there.

*casino.*

"To a casino?!"

*yeeees...*

He enters a casino and approaches a roulette table. The air is full of cigarette smoke. He's nervous. The voice says:

*14*

He places a bet on the 14 with everything he owns:

His horse, all his money and his new treasure. The 12 wins. The voice says: *fuck*

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A young Arab boy asks his father What is that strange hat you are wearing?



The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing? asked the boy.

Oh, my son! exclaimed the father It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?

"These are 'babouches' my son, the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

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Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends...

Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends who happen to be lost in a desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque. Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is
Mohamed, and you say that
your name is Ahmed, this way
we'll get some food! Deal?"
Steve said: "No, I'm sticking
with my name."
They walked into the Mosque
and the Sheikh saw them.
The Sheikh asked: "What are
your names?"
Bob said: "My name is
Mohamed."
Steve said: "My name is Steve."
Sheikh said: "Guys, please bring
some food and water for Steve.
And you Mohamed, Ramadan
Mubarak!!

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The aliens!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don`t screw around with him."

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Alone in the Gobi Desert

A man is lost with his camel in the Gobi Desert, but has food for weeks so isn't worrying. After two weeks he gets extremely horny and decides to take a chance with his camel. Every time he stands behind the camel, the camel walks away. So he diggs a deep hole, places his camel inside it and tries but the camel escapes from the hole and walks away again. The man gives up and wanders a few days more in the desert when a little plane crashes into the desert. The only survivor is a young lady. The man gives her water and food and she recovers quickly. Super happy she says: "You saved my life, I'll do anything for you!". "Okay my lady", says the man, "then please hold this damned camel!"

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Jewish tie stand

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried towards 'the object' only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban fighter asked, Do you have water?!!?

The Jewish man replied, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are
only $5.

The Taliban fighter shouted, Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I
should kill you, but I must find water first! "

Okay said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy
a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you
continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely
restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom .

Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie .

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The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

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What are the most funny Desert jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Desert? Well, here are the best Desert dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Desert pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes