Describe Jokes
144 describe jokes and hilarious describe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about describe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn all of the different ways to describe jokes! You'll find verbs to use, as well as exploring different inside joke techniques. Get ready to laugh with quotes and Expresso techniques, as well as understanding Carla's ridiculous approach. Read on to get the full scoop!
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Funniest Describe Short Jokes
Short describe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The describe humour may include short description jokes also.
- Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as... "The most violent book I have ever read"
- The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
- I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair" - What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color? 'Ginger'
- I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
- Doctor: describe your average night Patient: they wear suit of armor
Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
Patient: they probably take it off - Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide How else would you describe his campaign other than a 'natural disaster'?
- What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match? A Finnish Hymn
- A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang... ....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.
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Describe One Liners
Which describe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with describe? I can suggest the ones about explain and details.
- Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words Lazy
- Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can.
2/10 - How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover? In Fidel.
- 'Describe yourself with one word', my employer asked. 'Bad with numbers'
- Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words I said "bad at counting"
- I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words Orange is the new black
- If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would they be? Lazy.
- Some one has stolen my thesaurus. I can't find the words to describe how angry i am.
- If I had to describe myself in one word... ...it would be "bad at following directions."
- How would you describe the average bully? Mean.
- My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
- I once lost my thesaurus... and I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.
- My boss asked me to describe myself in 3 words... I said "Quite lazy."
- I'll describe myself in three words. I am a rebel.
- How does a baker in Alabama describe his occupation? I'm in bread.
Ways To Describe Jokes
Here is a list of funny ways to describe jokes and even better ways to describe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics... ...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.
- My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.
- I was looking up some baseball history, *I mean, if you know - you know* ..
But the best way to describe the lineup of the 1935 New York Yankees in one word is, 'ruthless'. - What's the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman? Selfish.
- In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone? By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire
- What would be the best way to describe the winter landscape in Westeros? Stark.
- What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns? Non-habit forming
- What's the best way to describe getting curb stomped? sole-crushing
- What's another way to describe a contradicktion? A logical phallusy!
Term Describe Jokes
Here is a list of funny term describe jokes and even better term describe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We use a very accurate term to describe our government. Politics, poly meaning many, and ticks meaning bloodsucking creatures.
- What do you call the terms describing lawn ornaments? Gnomenclature
- There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings. They are referred to as "nomads."
Describe Inside Jokes
Here is a list of funny describe inside jokes and even better describe inside puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How to describe something which looks like valuable but truly valnerable deeply inside? china one.
Share Hilarious Describe Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about describe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean summary jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make describe pranks.
A husband and a wife were searching for a hotel near the ocean...
The travel agency hooked them up with a four star hotel for a great price, and they decided to go with it. The agency described the hotel as 'a stone's throw from the beach'. "How will we know which one it is?" the wife asked. "Simple", the agency replied; "It's the one with all the broken windows."
I can't describe how disappointed I am...
...that the Congo weren't in single file in the Olympic Opening Ceremony
Did you hear about the guy who was hospitalised for swallowing a horse?
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walking down the street
A man walking down the street when he is approached by a p**....
"For $200 I'll perform any act for you, provided that you can describe the act in three words"
The man thinks about the offer for less than a minute and gives the woman for $200.
"OK tell me what you want me to do, but remember only in three words."
The man replies "Paint my house."
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
How to describe Mitt Romney in two sentences.
I stand by what I said, whatever it is that I said.
I deny saying that, whatever it is that I said.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
I lost my thesaurus when I was little...
I couldn't find the words to describe how I felt.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A daughter is seemingly possessed by a d**......
Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
Winter...
The only time of year when 8-12 inches is used to describe something white. (Up North)
If I had to describe myself in one word...
It would be, "Unable to follow instructions."
A snail gets mugged
A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
Potato Patch
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred
A guy is sitting alone at the bar
when a hot girl comes up to him. She leans to his ear and whispers in a seductive tone:
"For $100 I'll do anything, as long as you can describe it in no more than three words!"
She leans back, and the man thinks about the offer for a second and answers:
"Paint my house"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.
The category was "Describe your s**... life with a Spongebob quote"
and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Describe your s**... life in two words.
"My what?"
What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any?
Carpaltunnel
If I had to describe myself in three words...
It would be; Tall, dark and unable to follow basic instructions
So it turns out I'm incapable of describing my feelings.
Can't say I'm surprised...
I went for a job interview
I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
I can describe my girlfriend and 9/11 in one word
bush
My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year
But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.
My pops favourite joke.
An old man starts to lose his hearing, and goes to the doctors to be diagnosed.
The doctor says to the man, "can you describe to me the symptoms?"
The man replied "yes, Marge has tall blue hair and Homer is an alcoholic."
"Describe yourself in three words"
"Incapable of following basic instructions and cool"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a brothel that took deer as payment
They described it as the best bang for your buck
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, s**..., and disgusting..
because she doesn't like when people steal her material.
Employer: Describe yourself in word. Me: "Mold"
Because you won't like me but I'll grow on you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night
Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
H.P. Lovecraft walks into a bar...
and the rest of the joke is too funny even to describe, dear reader.
How can you describe 'small' in 3, 2 letter words?
Is it in?
Did you know that in ancient Greece, Hippasus was exiled for discovering that some numbers could not be described with simple whole numbers or fractions?
How irrational.
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband Says..
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
I prefer "badass" to "hemorrhoids"
when I describe my condition
I got a job interview as an under-water welder..
Interviewer: so how would you describe yourself?
Me : well I'd say i work well under pressure
The first rule about Thesaurus club is
that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's so cold outside...
...the local f**... just described himself to me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the head of EA like micro transactions so much?
It describes two distinct parts of his s**... life
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?
Sorbet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...
Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the v**... megastore, what a disappointment.
Pls don't make me woosh
I bought a dictionary but when I got home and opened it the pages were all blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am 😡
The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is?
Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!
If I had to describe myself in 3 words, it would be:
Can't count very well.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Describe your s**... life with a movie title
Ready Player One
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
A young man is taking a driving test
The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"
I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.
Honestly, it's a piece of cake.
Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?
Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.
Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.
Man, I hate this new thesaurus I got
I can't even find the words to describe how useless it is.
Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.
He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big
It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...
..and clicked 'add to cart'
The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.
Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.
Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.
Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?
Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Describe your s**... life using a movie title
Me : Gone in 60 Seconds
Doctor: Can you describe the snake that bit you?
Patient: Yes. It looked like an angry rope.
Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?
Yes, there is.
How do uou describe a person during brain surgery?
Open-minded
My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.
So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."
Then she smiled, so I punched her.
"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.
"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."
What do you say if someone won't stop describing a jug?
Okay, I get the pitcher
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
therapist: describe this picture
me: that's my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having s**... with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren't these normally ink blots
A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...
Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.
Therapist: I've concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can't say that I am surprised!
