The Best 82 Describe Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Describe jokes. There are some describe abcdefghijk jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these describe express puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Describe Jokes and Puns

I can't describe how disappointed I am...

...that the Congo weren't in single file in the Olympic Opening Ceremony

A man walks into a bar and asks:

"Bartender, may I have a Less?"
To which the bartender says:
"I'm sorry sir, what did you want?"
"I would like to have a Less please."
The bartender then apologizes:
"I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?"
The man answers:
"Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."

How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

Describe joke, How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

I once lost my thesaurus...

and I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.

I lost my thesaurus when I was little...

I couldn't find the words to describe how I felt.


I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.

"For $200 I'll perform any act you want, provided you can describe it in 3 words."

The man thinks about the offer for a moment then hands over the money and replies,

"Paint my house."

Describe joke, A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.

If I had to describe myself in one word...

It would be, "Unable to follow instructions."

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

Describe yourself in 3 words:

1. Lazy

A guy is sitting alone at the bar

when a hot girl comes up to him. She leans to his ear and whispers in a seductive tone:

"For $100 I'll do anything, as long as you can describe it in no more than three words!"

She leans back, and the man thinks about the offer for a second and answers:

"Paint my house"

You can explore describe carla reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean describe reptilian dad jokes. There are also describe puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Describe yourself in three words.

Lazy.

I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

Describe your sex life in two words.

"My what?"

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

Words can't describe how beautiful someone is...

But numbers can. 4/10

Describe joke, Words can't describe how beautiful someone is...

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.

2/10

We use a very accurate term to describe our government.

Politics, poly meaning many, and ticks meaning bloodsucking creatures.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"


My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

How would you describe the average bully?

Mean.

I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

If I had to describe myself in one word...

...it would be "bad at following directions."

I just bought a thesaurus

I just bought a thesaurus from the book store, however when I got home I found that all the pages were blank! I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I got a thesaurus the other day, but all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year

But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.

I went to the doctors about my hearing..

I went to the doctors about my hearing and the doctors asked me "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Yeah, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair"

Went to the doctors yesterday...

..I said: "doc, im having problems with my hearing"...."really? Can you describe the symptons?" he replied I said "yes, Marge has blue hair and Homers a fat bloke"

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Some one has stolen my thesaurus.

I can't find the words to describe how angry i am.

So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?

Dad: Smart.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

My brother asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

Guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems...

Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?

Guy: Yeah, Homers the fat one and Marge has big blue hair

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute...

... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

H.P. Lovecraft walks into a bar...

and the rest of the joke is too funny even to describe, dear reader.

The dictionary I ordered on eBay had only blank pages

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband Says..

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

I got a job interview as an under-water welder..

Interviewer: so how would you describe yourself?
Me : well I'd say i work well under pressure

The first rule about Thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

You're so pretty that words can't even describe.

But numbers can: 6/10

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

I just bought a new dictionary at my local book store, but when I got home the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

Doctor... there's something wrong with my hearing!

Describe the symptoms....

Uh...Well Marge has blue hair....homer is fat...

Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

Describe your sex life with a movie title

Ready Player One

My teacher asked me to describe myself in 5 words...

Lazy

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair

Amazon

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Doctor: Can you describe the snake that bit you?

Patient: Yes. It looked like an angry rope.

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

I finally bought the limited edition thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

The other day I bought a thesaurus. I opened it up and all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how upset I was.

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

lazy

therapist: describe this picture

me: that's my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren't these normally ink blots

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

A man goes to the doctor

Man: doctor I'm having problems with my hearing

Doc: can you describe the symptoms?

Man: marge has blue hair and homer is a fat guy

Yesterday I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a 'natural disaster'?

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

Doctor, doctor

A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me 'How would you usually describe yourself at work?'

I said 'With words, but today I'm going to use interpretive dance'

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

The interviewer asked me, Describe yourself in three words.

Lazy.

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."

With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.

"Pinocchio!" the old man cried.

I was asked to pick a word to describe myself...

But I couldn't choose between indecisive and hesitant.

This is probably the only funny joke I know.

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having hearing problems.

He told me to describe my symptoms.

I told him, "Sure. They're yellow. Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said

I don't know, it happened so fast.

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?

Abominable.

Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Noble.

My boss asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

I said "Quite lazy."

Interviewer: Describe yourself in 3 words

Not good at counting

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, ...

... that word would be brain damage.

Amazon Thesaurus

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon, but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the describe ijk jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working describe indescribable piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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