depressed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious depressed puns

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.

So I said well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

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If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

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I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

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Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

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A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

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Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

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Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

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So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

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Last year I was miserable and depressed.

But this year i turned that shit around.

Now I am depressed and miserable.

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My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

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Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

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I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

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A bullet walks into a bar, depressed.

"Why the sad face?" asks the bartender.

"I got fired."

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Last year i was miserable and depressed,

But this year I've turned it around, I'm depressed and miserable

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Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

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A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.

The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"

The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"

"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

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I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.

I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"

Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."

I asked again "I know, but how much longer do I *have* to live?"

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My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him.

Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.

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It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?

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Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

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I visited Stockholm

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

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I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

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Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

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When I got depressed, I joined the Army.



I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

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The Cliff

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

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I was depressed and found a genie.

He offered me one wish, so I said I wished I could be hung.

**POOF!** my penis doubled in length.

It was then I realized that the proper word was hanged

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A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.

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Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.

Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.

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My dentist told me to open up....

so I started telling him how depressed I was.

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Why was Kurt Cobain so depressed at age 13?

He was having a midlife crisis.

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Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Did you hear about the depressed French chef?

He'd lost the huile d'olive.

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A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit suicide from by throwing her self from the rooftop.

Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!

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What are the most funny Depressed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Depressed? Well, here are the best Depressed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Depressed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes