Depressed Jokes

Following is our collection of samaritans humor and suicidal one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Depressed puns for adults, dirty sullen jokes or clean unhappy gags for kids.

There is an abundance of depressive jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 63 funniest jokes on depressed. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any manic depression witze you can hear about depressed.

The Best jokes about Depressed

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.

So I said well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.


Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."


Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

A bullet walks into a bar, depressed.

"Why the sad face?" asks the bartender.

"I got fired."

Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.

The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"

The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"

"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.

I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"

Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."

I asked again "I know, but how much longer do I *have* to live?"

My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him.

Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.

It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?


Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

I visited Stockholm

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.



I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.

Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.

My dentist told me to open up....

so I started telling him how depressed I was.

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Did you hear about the depressed French chef?

He'd lost the huile d'olive.

A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit suicide from by throwing her self from the rooftop.

Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!

If you think Thursdays are depressed, wait for two more days....

It will be a sadder day.

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it's on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can't seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it's awful cause they never bring them back

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"

But then an idea struck him!

The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox

I find:

* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.

* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.

* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.

* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.

* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.

* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.

* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.

What's white and falls from the sky?

Depressed Businessmen

Depressed race car mechanic.

Scene: a psychiatrists practice:


'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'


'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'


'Is he a mechanic too doc?'


'No, a gynecologist'

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

[NSFW] Why was the Pedophile depressed?

Because he couldn't fit in

A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.

Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"

The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."

"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"

The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."

"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"

Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"

What do fat women get for Valentine's day?

Depressed

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first experience ennui?

What is your ex-wife's newest last name?

What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?

What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?

What was the middle name of your first rebound?

On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?

When did you stop trying?

The Unluckiest Guy in the world

A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His rotten girlfriend split on him.

Two friends are talking to each other, and one says to the other,

"I've been kinda worried about you man, you're kinda in a slump right now, you seem kinda depressed."

The other looked at him in a state of shock, and said,

"You're a great friend, but you don't have to worry about me, suicide'll be the last thing I do."

What do frogs do when they are depressed?

They Kermit suicide.

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".

The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out.

God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".

Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"

God replies,"An arm and a leg".

Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"

Why did the depressed chicken stop in the middle of the road?

To get to the Other Side

Why do depressed girls give the best head?

Because they are trying to choke themselves.

What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I'll buy you another one, . The man whines First I wake up and my wife left me and took my kids, then I go to get my car and my wife took it, then I go to work and my job has been taken and I was replaced, so I came here, got a shot, and put poison in it, and you took my shot! .

I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It's my thirty second birthday...

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."





Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.

Fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Nursing home

Arthur is in a nursing home after the death of his wife and he feels depressed.
Betty notices this and asks if there is anything she can do. He says 'well my wife used to sit with me in the evenings and just hold it for me. I miss that touch.'
Betty is a game and a kind woman so she takes to doing this for him. Every night they sit in the garden watching the sunset with her just holding his manhood.
Then one day she goes to meet him in the garden but finds Gloria, a new resident, in her place. Arthur seems happy so she backs away but feels very sad. And so it continues for the next week. Every night Gloria is in her place.
The next day she takes Arthur to one side at breakfast and confronts him, 'how could you cast me aside so callously Arthur ? What has Gloria got that I haven't ?'
Arthur replies 'Parkinsons'

The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, you see the problem is my husband, he's left me, he says I'm too kinky in bed."

"My god, that's incredible, my girlfriend left me, she says I'm too kinky in bed."

After a while the woman turns to the guy and says: "Hang on, I've got a fantashtic idea, let's go back to my place for some fantashtic kinky sex."

"I like where you're coming from, let's go.

So they get back to her place and are making out in the hallway, she puts a finger to his lips and says: "Hang on, let me go and change into something a little more **uncomfortable**."

She goes to her bedroom and comes back 10 minutes later in a full on PVC gimpsuit, gimp mask and gimp ball in her mouth, 12" strap-on, whip in the right hand, tapioca pudding in the left, but he's getting his coat on ready to leave.

She takes the gimp ball out of her mouth and says in surprise: "Hang on, I thought you wanted some fantashtic kinky sex?"

He says "Yeah, I shagged your dog and shat in your purse, I'm done."

What do you call a depressed robot?

A sigh borg.

The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"


"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"


"Brian, that's horrible!" said Dan putting his arm around Brian. "What type of a gift does she want already?"


"Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: Why don't you show me how much you care about me? Why can't you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!"


"Dan what should I do? I don't have that kind of money? I can't go out and buy her a car!"


"A car? Asked Dan. Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!`

Why did the depressed Mexican order chinese takeout?

Because he was feeling lo mein

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes