Entertaining Depot Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What did the lizard get at home depot?
Reptile.
Guy bumps into a friend ...
... and says "Hey, man, can you believe that they fired me for stealing office supplies?"
Friend says, "Wow, that's crazy, they must really be hardnosed about that. Where did you work again?"
"Office Depot."
This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..
.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."
When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer..it's "art" and "music".
But when I do it...I'm "wasted", and "have to leave Home Depot".
Where do electricians get supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
What do you call it when someone comes to your house and takes all your pottery?
Home Depot.
Today, I took a shower
You have no idea how hard it was to get it out of Home Depot.
I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot.
My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.
How to get rid of ants.
Go to Home Depot or Wall-mart and buy a can of black spray paint. Any brand works great.
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.
My blind friend went to Home Depot...
he picked up a hammer and saw!
Did you hear about the prison escape?
Those guys found the convenience of Home Depot delivery really shaves time off a project.
You can explore depot railroad reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean depot storekeeper dad jokes. There are also depot puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Yo mama like home depot
10 cents a screw.
Where will Donald Trump find the workers to build this Great Wall?
Outside of Home Depot......
Maybe I should shoot myself in the foot. Not trying to be racists, but you get the point.
They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.
It will be called the Broken Home Depot.
Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool?
Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.
What did Lil' Jon do when Home Depot employee tried to sell him a lightbulb?
Turned down 4 watt
The difference between being naughty and being kinky
Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot
Standing behind a lady at Home Depot. Heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic.
What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot?
One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...
When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer naked, it's art.
When I do it, I'm drunk and told to leave Home Depot.
What do Ludacris and Home Depot have in common?
They both have hoes in different area codes.
Blind Man
I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)
Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"
But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"
Two drunk guys walking home from the pub
They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."
I peed in the shower once
The manager of Home Depot kicked me out
Why is it...
That when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer naked it's called 'Music' and 'Art', but when I do it, it's called 'Property Damage' and 'Nudity' and I get kicked out of Home Depot?
What's a Home Depot employee's favourite game
The customer is lava
Why doesn't McDonald's sell snails, Home Depot sell software, or Comcast sell sex?
McDonald's is a fast food restaurant.
Home Depot sells hardware.
Comcast doesn't charge extra to screw you.
I bought a fan from Home Depot and it came fully assembled.
I love it when a fan comes together.
HANDICAPPED PARKING AT HOME DEPOT
Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don't you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?
How do you kill a cat with 16 lives?
You run it over with a 4x4.
Bonus joke.
How do you kill a cat with 8 lives at home depot?
You hit it with a 2x4
How do you know you got everything on a trip to home depot?
Easy, you're on your third trip to Home Depot.
I got banned from Home Depot today
A man in an orange apron walked up to me and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in!
My friend really sucks at carpentry
He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.
The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked
Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?
Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.
What did John Lennon say when he first arrived at the Door section of Home Depot.
Imagine all the peep holes.
My wife asked for black caulk for her birthday
I can't find it at Lowe's or Home Depot.
Home depot is the best brothel
The vacuum sucks, the fan blows, the hammer bangs and they have plenty of pots to plant your seed.
I do my grocery shopping at Office Depot
It's a staple diet.
What's the difference between a double D lobster and a 50 year old bus depot?
...One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean
A blonde married man went to Home Depot to buy a new closet...
"Please give me a closet that doesn't come with a naked man living in it" he asked the salesman.
I went to Home Depot and a guy walked up and asked,
"Can I help you with anything?" I said, "I'm looking to buy a table saw." He said "Do you have a particular model in mind?" and I said, "Well yeah, Kathy Ireland, but for now let's talk about a table saw."
What does Home Depot take when it can't sleep?
Bin of Drills
If you don't shop at Home Depot...
You must've hit a new lowe
Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.
Returned a sander.
Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home
They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'
Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!
But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"
Two Irish friends leave the pub
One says to other, I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.
I know, me too, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot, replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?
I can't find a No. 91.
Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
Me: I want to take a bath.
Home Depot Employee: You need to pay for it first.
I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater...
It was too big a whisk
What do you call a warehouse full of prostitutes?
Orifice Depot
If you're looking for men to date, don't go to bars,
Go to Home Depot. It's 90% men, and they are already looking for projects to work on.
This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section.
Aisle B, Home for Christmas.
