Depends Jokes
118 depends jokes and hilarious depends puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about depends that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These hilarious depends jokes will keep you in stitches! With everything from puns about impeccable wallpaper to pads, you are sure to find something that will make you laugh. Enjoy these funny, lighthearted takes on dependent underwear.
Funniest Depends Short Jokes
Short depends jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The depends humour may include short dependent jokes also.
- Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in. Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.
- Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.
- How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Depends. Sometimes it takes one. Sometimes it takes a Zildjian.
- A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.
- I like my shovels like I like my women.. I like my shovels like I like my women.
Sturdy. Dependable. Can help me bury a body. - Dodged the bullet A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
- A guy walks into a Bar And asks for a beer.
The bartender: 'do you want a normal beer or a no-alcohol?'
'It depends. Do you want normal money or Monopoly's?' - when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be? It depends what state it's in
- I told my wife "if ever I become comatose and depend on a machine for my survival, unplug me" She unplugged the computer.
- My girl asked me what I thought about babies Apparently "depends on how they're cooked" was not any acceptable answer
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Depends One Liners
Which depends one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with depends? I can suggest the ones about based and condition.
- What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?
- I rely on hotels so much I've actually become quite Inn-dependent
- Drunk man: "Is life worth living?" well, it depends on the liver.
- Is it possible to be bored to death? That all depends on the drill.
- Do 90-year-old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.
- How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them.
- Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends.
- I went on a date last night. She asked me "Boxers or briefs?" "Depends."
- How many babies does it take to open a door? It depends on how hard you can throw.
- Roses are red Roses are blue, depending on their velocity relative to you
- What does 69 taste like to a 69 year old? Depends...
- What does a 74 year old woman taste like? Depends.
- How long does a Congressman serve? Depends on his sentence.
- I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like? Depends...
- What does the lunch line at the old folks home smell like? Depends.
Depends Underwear Jokes
Here is a list of funny depends underwear jokes and even better depends underwear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What kind of underwear do old people wear? Depends.
- What kind of underwear do feminists wear? Depends if there's a man in office.
- What's an old persons underwear taste like? Depends
- I asked my grandpa what kind of underwear he wears He just said, Depends.
Cheeky Depends Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about depends you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ides jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make depends pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a politician's favourite s**... position?
Depends on how much you're paying them.
65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day
What does a 80 year old women taste like?
Depends..
What's the best time of this month for vampires?
It depends on the girl
They asked if I wear boxers or briefs....
Depends
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:
Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"
Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."
Two men sitting on a bench
Two elderly men get together every sunday on the same park bench. The one man turns to the other and asks: "What do you prefer boxers or briefs"
The other man replies " Briefs. What about yourself?"
The first man answers: "Depends"
Love after wedding
A young lady asks her boyfriend: "My love, would you still love me and make this passionate love with me even after the wedding?"
The boyfriend: "well, it depends on your husband!!!!!"
What do grandparents smell like?
"Depends"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Father and Son were hard at work on their farm...
The Son dragged a h**... out of the shed and began working the field. He noticed that the h**... looked very old and worn out. It was practically falling apart, so he asked his Father "How long do you think this h**... will last?" His Father took one look at the h**... and shrugged. "I guess it depends on how much you pay her."
Glass with Water
This joke is said so many times, there must be some good variations. I want to know if you guys heard any.
Standard: There is a glass of water to the halfway point. People are asked to describe the glass.
Optimist: Half Full
Pessimist: Half Empty
Engineer: Glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Example Variation:
Mathematician: It depends on how the glass achieved it's current state. (Limits, anyone?)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends on how many cops planted it there
Diagnose
Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.
A kid asks, "Grandpa, do you pee pee standing up, or sitting down?"
Grandpa answers "Depends."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?
Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)
Which E.D. is worst, Erectile Dysfunction or Explosive Diarrhea?
The man blushed and answered in almost a whisper: erectile dysfunction..
The embarassed woman also said: erectile dysfunction.
The butch lesbian hesitantly replied: erectile dysfunction.
The gay guy without hesitation answered: depends if you're top or bottom.
How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It depends on the definition of lightbulb.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...
At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a s**..., scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there s**..., you want some super s**... tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
how is bungee jumping like having s**...?
a life depends on whether or not the rubber breaks
If an opinion is worth 2 cents, how many cents is an argument worth?
It really just depends on how much cents it makes.
What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
Depends
A muffin and dough and are having a conversation.
And the muffin says, "Dude, everything is energy man; it's all energy swirling around. Good energy, and bad energy, and it all depends on what energy you tap into. It's like the planets and electrons and stuff; everything is swirling."
The dough replies, "Dude, you're baked."
Word of warning, if you're in a job interview and you are asked, "Do you smoke?"
Don't reply with, "Depends what it is..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does eating an old lady out taste like?
Depends.
How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It depends if you Count Dracula.
How many terrorists does it take to paint a house?
It depends on the force of the explosives.
I got asked what side of a swimming pool I prefer to jump in.
Depends
What do old people taste like?
Depends...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who would win in a fight, Ling Xiaoyu or Anakin Skywalker?
Depends on how old Ling is, if Ling were an adult she would destroy Anakin, but Anakin would kill a young Ling.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is R Kelly a rapper or a r**...?
It depends how much pee is involved.
I asked my incontinent father-in-law if he wanted anything from the store,he replied ...
"Depends"
Mike Huckabee is interviewing donald trump...
Huckabee, asking the tough questions: "So we've seen you in your stylish golf clothes on the course, and your sharp bespoke suits when you are at work, but the American people want to know what the president really wears, boxers or briefs?"
trump: "Depends..."
Huckabee: "Depends on what, your mood, the situation, if Malania is around?"
trump: "No, just Depends."
What do retirement homes smell like?
Depends.
Carry A Flashlight
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
I asked my dad how many inches are in a foot
He said it depends whose foot it is
What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?
Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.
I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.
They said, It depends. Wakanda pizza?
I asked my grandpa if he has to wear a diaper...
He said "depends"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do old women wear p**... or thongs????
Depends
How many kids does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how hard you throw them
Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough...
Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough are walking through the gardens at Buckingham Palace, when they come across a sundial in the shade of a tree.
The Queen: Maybe we could move it...
Attenborough: Depends whether you want to know the time or not.
The Queen: Best leave it be then, as a joke. The best jokes are timeless, after all.
What's the value of a cosigned loan?
It depends on θ, but between -1 and 1.
How do you get your grandparents to stop saying your life depends on technology?
Reply, No, u. as you reach for the plug.
How many puppies and babies does it take to paint a room?
All depends on the speed and angle of the throw.
How do you calculate the weight of a dragon?
Depends on the scales.
It's going to snow tonight. My wife's aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8
I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.
We're expecting 6-12 inches this weekend.
Depends on how many guys show up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The marriage counsellor asked me and my wife: "Describe your s**... life in three words."
I said, "Depends who with..."
I asked a cannibal, "What do elderly people taste like?"
He said "Depends."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Is chess better than s**...?"
It depends on the position.
What it the lifespan of an alcoholic?
It depends on the liver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many calories does going down on your girl provide?
It depends on which way she wipes.
Two farmers
Two farmers were chatting,
One says, You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?
All depends, said the other.
On what
My pea value
What would Giuliani bring to a trial by combat?
Depends
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Swedish people does it take to make a cake?
Depends on how Swede you want it to be
How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?
Depends how big the perch is.
What color is a mirror?
It depends who you ask
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...
A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"
She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Choices
A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an e**... popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super s**...?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
It depends on what they're changing it in to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ladies: How can you tell the difference between being hungry and being h**...?
# Depends on where you put the cucumber.
My wife can't get over this joke she heard on TicTok. She's told 10 people today. Practically forced me to post in on Reddit.
I'm not always mean, sometimes I'm median. Really depends on my mode.
Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.
How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?
It depends on how thinly you slice them
Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?
In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.
Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".
