Demands Jokes
119 demands jokes and hilarious demands puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about demands that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Demands Short Jokes
Short demands jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The demands humour may include short demanded jokes also.
- How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb? Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness
- David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
- Dunno what this WiFi dude did But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurant demanding his freedom lately
- My new girlfriend is so needy... She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
- Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians... They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.
- My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information... ...it's called Norton
- Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
- The moon landings were faked… But the director was such a perfectionist that he demanded they be filmed on location.
- Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said I'm the second guy to walk on the moon... Neil before me
- A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money... So I drew him a map to my ex-wife's house.
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Demands One Liners
Which demands one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with demands? I can suggest the ones about begs and requirement.
- Why did grape prices go up? There was a raisin demand.
- What has one finger and is very demanding? A ransom note.
- Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China? They need clean air.
- My jokes never get any upvotes........ I demand a recount.
- As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights... And that guy's rights... And his pen...
- My wife is a demanding ballerina She keeps me on my toes.
- Bernie demands change... whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.
- Why are the Greeks so in debt? They demand credit for everything
- A big porcelain basin was demanding entry to our house. Let that sink in.
- The moon landing was fake But the film director demanded they film on site
- I used to install on demand water heaters, but I quit. It was a tankless job.
- (As it's Advent now:) Karen goes to Bethlehem She demands to see the manger.
- Roy Moore demands recount! Nope, she was still 14
- Roy Moore missed the New Years Eve countdown. He's demanding a recount.
- A karen walks up to a stable in Bethlehem and says... ...I demand to speak to the manger!
Demands Met Jokes
Here is a list of funny demands met jokes and even better demands met puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.
- The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes. I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.
- A busload of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists... ... They're threatening to release one per hour until their demands are met.
- Did you hear about the terrorists who hijacked a plane of lawyers? They threatened to release one every hour til their demands were met.
- I promised my wife that I haven't kissed a single girl since we met the married ones are less demanding
- The Dallas shooting suspect demanded a cell phone. The police met his demand In fact they gave him the latest phone, the brand new Samsung Galaxy C4
- A t**... group has taken Donald Trump hostage. They are threatening to release him if their demands are not met.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Demands Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about demands you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean insists jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make demands pranks.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
A Jewish kid asks his father...
"Dad? I need to borrow $40".
Father demands: "$30! What do you need $20 for??!!"
An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.
All three of them order a beer. The Englishman sees a fly floating in his beer and calls the bartender over and demands a new beer. The American also sees a fly floating in his beer and just flicks it away and drinks the beer. The Irishman sees a fly in his beer also and picks it up and screams "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.
She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.
"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"
The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."
The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"
An 85 year old man walks into the doctors office...
... and demands the doctor to lower his s**... potency. The doctor looking confused replies "Sir, the only s**... potency you have is in your brain". Old man replies "I KNOW! I want you to LOWER IT!!"
A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists
The head t**... is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.
The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...
...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.
The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."
A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog
Takes the dog by the tail and starts to spin it around. A guard immediately comes to him and demands why is he doing this, to which the blind man answers: "No need to get agressive I'm just looking around!"
A husband and wife are arguing...
"What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.
"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.
"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."
Russians Hate Coca Cola
A Russian walks into a store and demands,
-- "Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca Cola."
After half an hour, the Russian returns and demands again,
-- "Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of Coca Cola."
After one hour, he comes back for a third time and says to the shopkeeper,
-- "Give me a bottle of v**... and a bottle of ... Sprite. It seems Coca Cola makes me sick!"
Justin Bieber's Rep Demands Internet Remove Photos Showing Less-Endowed Bieber
An elderly couple
An elderly couple met at a nursing home. Every day after lunch, they would sit on the same bench and she would put her hand on his c**.... Every day, the same thing: they sit on the bench and she puts her hand on his c**....
One day after lunch, the woman shows up at the bench, but the man isn't there. So she goes looking for him and finds him on a different bench with another woman, and HER hand is on his c**....
Upset by this, the woman demands, "hey! what's she got that I ain't got?"
To which the man replies, "Parkinson's"
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...
He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
What's your name?
A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license and registration.
The driver responds, "I don't have a license or registration, Officer."
"Tell me your name then," the cop demands.
"Mr. Kret," the driver says.
"TELL ME YOUR FULL NAME," the officer barks, sufficiently irritated.
The driver smiles..."Itza C. Kret."
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….
...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.
Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
"McDonald's sales soar thanks to all day breakfast"
In unrelated news toilet paper stocks have risen and plumber businesses have been unable to keep up with demands for work.
Cowboy walks into a bar.
A cowboy walks into a bar. He's wearing brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and a brown paper hat. "Gimme 5 shots of tequila", he demands. "You must be celebrating" the bartender said as he set up the shots. "yep, I just got out of prison", said the cowboy. "What were you in for"?, asked the bartender. The cowboy replied, "rustling".
What do you call it when o**... demands that another guy go to the movies and give him a h**...?
A mandate
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".
An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar
They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"
I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes
So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model
A man storms into his manager's office
and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"
"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"
"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."
A mugger attacks a man in an alley, and demands all his money.
The man cries, "I'm a civil servant; I don't *have* any money!"
The mugger sneers, "Alright. Then give me all of *my* money."
A man driving to the store finds no place to park...
He sees an empty parking spot and eagerly drives his car into the slot, paying no attention to the "Customer Only" sign. When he comes back, his car has disappeared. He storms into the bank, where he demands to know where his car went. The banker looks straight into his eyes and whispers "I towed you so."
A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car...
His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber.
"Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands.
"v**...? Whiskey?" he replies.
(read with Russian accent)
A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line
The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"
First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.
Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"
The disappearing man.
A man in his mid 40s became convinced that he is disappearing from this world.
Feeling that he could completely vanish any minute now, he walks into a psychiatrist's office and demands to see the Doctor.
the Doc's secretary informs the Doc that they have a walk in, he turns around to his secretary and says "I can't see him now".
What do you call a vegetable that demands you exclusively eat it over all other vegetables?
An ultimato
When doctors go on strike ....
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
So h**... decides to go see a psychic...
...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. h**..., obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".
A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."
One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
A robber held a man in a suit at gunpoint
"Give me your money," demands the robber
The affluent man replies, "You can't do this! I'm a US Congressman!"
The robber shouts, "In that case, give me **MY** money!"
A man walks into a butcher shop...
A man walks into a butcher shop and asks if the butcher has any duck meat.
The butcher says of course he does, but can only give it on a special condition.
"You can only get the duck if you stab yourself with a butcher's knife" the butcher tells the man.
The man was confused and Immediately demands an explanation for the absurd rule.
The butcher simply points to a sign located outside his store and it clearly reads
"No Harm No Fowl"
A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."
Oh So Creamy
A guy walks into a s**... donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the s**... bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a s**... bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the s**... samples.
The guy says "Take one of those s**... samples and drink it!"
She looks at him, "BUT, they are s**... samples???"
"DO IT!", He screams.
So the nurse s**... it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well."
So the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says: "See honey - its not that hard."
Guy demands a pound of Polish sausage
A man walks up to a counter and asks for a pound of Polish Sausage! The clerk looks at the man and says wow... you must be Polish.
The man says how dare you sir! You're a racist! Do I have to be Italian to eat Italian sausage...? Do I have to be Jewish to eat kosher beef...? Can only Germans drink German beer...?
The clerk responds well no... but this is Home Depot.
The rich lady comes home after a day of shopping,
when she stumbles on one of her many servants in the hallway. She looks at him head to toe, and demands:
\- Come here.
The servant, heads down, obeys.
\- Take off my jacket.
Hands shaking, he obliges.
\- Now... Take off my dress.
Slowly, he does so.
\- Hm... Now take off my socks and my garter belt.
He does so, not saying a word.
\- Now... My bra and my p**...!
Looking down and shaking, he obeys.
\- Now, if I get you wearing my clothes ever again, I will fire you once and for all, do you understand?!
If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery...
You can't turn her on so she demands to be toed.
Terrorists have taken over the local courthouse.
They are threatening to release a lawyer every 15 minutes unless their demands are met.4
When my girlfriend told me that her fantasy was to be abducted, I thought she was joking.
But she demands to be taken, seriously!
Several feminist organizations have attacked the postal service for the use of the word "Mailman"...
In response to the demands, they've switched to "Femaleman".
A robber walks into a gas station and demands the clerk fill his bag with diamonds
"Sorry sir, all we have are these Juuls."
An alien mother ship lands on Earth and demands to speak with our leader.
They land in front of a Libertarian. He says You're looking at him. And taxes are theft. They leave, confused.
When The Left always demands apologies from The Right...
Still waiting for the The Left's first apology.
A dyslexic t**... has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.
He has taken six ostriches.
Two Jews, a homosexual, and a Canadian walk into a bar
The bartender looks up and demands, "What is this, a JOKE?!?"
The local s**... store is desperate for workers
Due to high demands, any position is on the table
A man angrily walks into a local bar holding a revolver and demands to know whose been sleeping with his wife.
A man in the back of the bar shouts back, You don't have enough ammo
Meanwhile at the s**... Donor Bank
A guy walks into a s**... donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the s**... bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a s**... bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the s**... samples. The guy says "Take one of those s**... samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are s**... samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse s**... it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it ?."
I wanted to write a letter to the Governor . . .
opposing a bill being considered in the Virginia legislature. But with Gov Northram's facing a chorus of demands for his resignation because of his blackface photo, and the next two officials in line to succeed him embroiled in their own controversies, I wasn't sure to whom I should send my letter.
I finally decided the safest choice was to mail it to the Governor's Mansion, "Current occupant."
A guy goes back to his p**... and demands that she gives him his money back. Cause she gave him c**....
The p**... said to the man what do you expect for $10.00 Lobster.
"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,
"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."
When my girlfriend told me she has an abduction f**..., I thought she was kidding.
But she demands to be taken, seriously!
An old lady in a nursing home ...
.. is wheeling around in her wheelchair. She zooms up and down the corridors and screeches around the corners. Then one of the other residents stops her and demands to see her driver's license. She hands him a chocolate bar wrapper and he is satisfied.
She continues rushing around until another inmate stops her and demands to see her registration. Again the candy wrapper works.
But on turning the next corner she sees an elderly man standing in her path completely n**....
"Oh no" she thinks "How am I going to pass the breathalyzer test?"
I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she had an abduction f**....
But she demands to be taken, seriously!
An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar
She demands to speak to the manager
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"
A robber and a zombie meet in a dark forest
The robber demands: "Give me all you've got!"
The zombie replies: "Over my dead body!"
After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given
the money, he turns to a customer and asks,' Did you see me rob this
bank?'The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him and killed him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!
We have your Child!
A parent receives this text, "We have your child".
He panics and replies, "What are your demands. We will do anything. Please don't hurt our child"
He receives a reply, "Are you out of your mind? The daycare is closing soon. Come and get him now!"
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."
The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.
A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...
The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.
