Demand Jokes

Following is our collection of congress puns and extremes one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Demand jokes for adults, dirty representatives jokes and clean generate dad gags for kids.

The Best Demand Puns

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

People with an abduction fetish

Demand to be taken, seriously.

India has decided to boycott Chinese products on all fronts to protest the latter's stand on disputed territories and their failure to inform India on the Coronavirus.

Meanwhile, Chinese textile mills are rolling out an all-new clothing line: "Boycott China" and are anticipating great demand from India.

Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother and tells her he got in the school play. She asked him, "what part are you playing?" He said, "the husband!"

The mother grew furious and said, "you march right back there and demand they give you a speaking part."


Boycott shampoo

demand real poo instead

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.

They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.

Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?

They need clean air.


A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights...

And that guy's rights... And his pen...

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*

"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...

Why are the Greeks so in debt?

They demand credit for everything

My psychiatrist said I'm crazy.

I told him, "I demand a second opinion!"

He said, "Ok, you're ugly, too."

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

I used to install on demand water heaters, but I quit.

It was a tankless job.

What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.


On the Duck Dynasty Outrage,....

It's such a double standard.

When a white guy acts bad on TV, people rush to A&E and demand the show is cancelled.

When a black guy acts bad on TV, you don't see people rushing to Fox demanding they cancel COPS.

College is the opposite of kidnapping

They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

Outside a PHOTO studio...

We can shoot your wife and also frame your mother-in-law .

On demand we can even nail and hang them.

I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.

Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?

Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,

and you've got yourself an economist.

What do you call a parrot that repeats "Supply and Demand" over and over?

An economist.

There's actually very little demand for nihilist merchandise.

I guess it's a Nietzsche market.

How to get a position in the Trump Administration

Trump: How much is 2 + 2?

You: How much do you want it to be?

Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team!

Why did the woman embarrassingly demand to see the manager immediately?

She didn't have a Karen the world

The GOP gets kidnapped

The kidnappers demand the ransom of 500M USD or they will douse them in gas and light them on fire.

So there were people in the streets collecting donations, and they asked me at an intersection

"You must have heard the news recently. Could you spare a little to help us out in this initiative?"

"How much is everyone giving on average?"

"About a gallon, give or take"

How does a Canadian demand an apology?

Leading by example.

The Stanley Cup Finals left me so angry last night..

I demand capital punishment.

On a high traffic road...

"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"

Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"

"There's a terrorist attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"

"oh, ok then. How much do other people usually gave you?"

"1 litre"

Teams are interested in Kareem Hunt

I didn't know kickers where in such high demand.

A Mathematician an Economist and an Account are at a bar

The bar tender asks them what 2+2 is. The Mathematician says it is 4. The economist says it depends on how the supply and demand curves are at the time but generally it is 4. The accountant puts down his beer, looks the bar tender in the eye and asks what do you want it to be?

How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?

All of them. Because that will generate employment and therefore more consumption, shifting the aggregate demand to the right.

Global warming is going to demand re-education of our tradesmen.

Already the glaziers are smelting.

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

This joke is like a party without any demand for fruit juice.

There is no punch line.

Why is weed so expensive?

Cause the demand is always high

Girl, are you expansionary monetary policy?

Because my Aggregate Demand is growing.

Don't settle for shampoo!

Demand real poo!

I was reading a FB comment thread, and suddenly someone said "I DEMAND TO READ THE ANCIENT GREEK COMEDY 'THE FROGS.'"

I was like, well, that Aeschylated quickly.

When life gives you lemons . . .

demand to see life's manager.

Why are TV shows full of drug use?

Because studios misread the demand for a strong heroine.

Trump gets kidnapped

Few days later his kidnappers go public and demand 20 million dollars or they return him to the White house.

It's okay if white people invade Mexico illegally, only speaking English, taking jobs, bringing gangs, rape and drugs while demand citizenship?

That is the Politically Correct thing to do.

Why did the freelancer sue the company?

Because he charges on Demand

By popular demand, a joke from the perspective of a woman

"The best part about 69ing a snowman is the carrot"

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

I know, I'm not very original. This is a re-post. But it's apparently a good one since it's always at the top of the list.

A recently elected Arab President asks his adviser why the price of oil was falling.

The adviser says "It's due to the law of supply and demand".

The president replies "Then abolish that law!".

There is an abundance of supply jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 50 funniest jokes and demand puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any congressman witze you can hear about demand.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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