Amusing & Witty Demand Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
Outside a PHOTO studio...
We can shoot your wife and also frame your mother-in-law .
On demand we can even nail and hang them.
Two guys are walking down a dark alley
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
My psychiatrist said I'm crazy.
I told him, "I demand a second opinion!"
He said, "Ok, you're ugly, too."
On the Duck Dynasty Outrage,....
It's such a double standard.
When a white guy acts bad on TV, people rush to A&E and demand the show is cancelled.
When a black guy acts bad on TV, you don't see people rushing to Fox demanding they cancel COPS.
A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal
... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"
The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"
The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"
From my dad.
Why are the Greeks so in debt?
They demand credit for everything
The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.
His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. The first is the problem of not paying competitive salaries ..."
He then turned to the next page and read out, "From now on, you unappreciative pig, you're on your own ..."
What do you call a parrot that repeats "Supply and Demand" over and over?
An economist.
The priest, laywer, and engineer
By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother and tells her he got in the school play. She asked him, "what part are you playing?" He said, "the husband!"
The mother grew furious and said, "you march right back there and demand they give you a speaking part."
You can explore demand congress reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean demand representatives dad jokes. There are also demand puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Boycott shampoo
demand real p**... instead
As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights...
And that guy's rights... And his pen...
I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.
Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?
The GOP gets kidnapped
The kidnappers demand the ransom of 500M USD or they will douse them in gas and light them on fire.
So there were people in the streets collecting donations, and they asked me at an intersection
"You must have heard the news recently. Could you spare a little to help us out in this initiative?"
"How much is everyone giving on average?"
"About a gallon, give or take"
Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?
They need clean air.
An Inuit man walks into a pet store...
An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."
What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.
College is the opposite of kidnapping
They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
There's actually very little demand for nihilist merchandise.
I guess it's a Nietzsche market.
People with an abduction f**...
Demand to be taken, seriously.
Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,
and you've got yourself an economist.
I used to install on demand water heaters, but I quit.
It was a tankless job.
A Mathematician an Economist and an Account are at a bar
The bar tender asks them what 2+2 is. The Mathematician says it is 4. The economist says it depends on how the supply and demand curves are at the time but generally it is 4. The accountant puts down his beer, looks the bar tender in the eye and asks what do you want it to be?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...
India has decided to boycott Chinese products on all fronts to protest the latter's stand on disputed territories and their failure to inform India on the Coronavirus.
Meanwhile, Chinese textile mills are rolling out an all-new clothing line: "Boycott China" and are anticipating great demand from India.
So a guy buys a $5 h**........
They have s**... and the next day the guys realizes he has c**.... The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund
The h**... goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"
How to get a position in the Trump Administration
Trump: How much is 2 + 2?
You: How much do you want it to be?
Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team!
Why did the woman e**... demand to see the manager immediately?
She didn't have a Karen the world
What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding m**..., as well as the demand for its legalisation?
Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.
My jokes never get any upvotes........
I demand a recount.
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"YourΒ husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
You are obese!
A woman visits the doctor
Doctor: Madame, you are obese.
Woman: What?? I demand a second opinion!
Doctor: Your hair looks s**....
Did you hear about the new shipping company merger?
COVID has skyrocketed the demand for delivery services, causing an unforeseen merger in the works. To ensure the people get the best package delivery and express service, UPS and FedEx are joining forces...and they are calling themselves FedUp (:
(My dad made this joke up a long time ago I just added the COVID setup)
A soul is sent to h**....
"Get me the manager! I demand to know why I am in h**...!" the soul shouted.
The fallen angel sighed. "We rebelled against God."
"That's no reason to punish me!"
"You do not understand. You were not sent here to be punished by us. You were sent here as punishment to us."
A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18
The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.
Why did grape prices go up?
There was a raisin demand.
I demanded a refund for my geology course
It was very surface level.
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafiaβ¦
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company's money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won't tell them a single word.
After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn't going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.
At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn't just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.
The Italian responds, How could I? Those rascals had t**... my hands!
Why did the p**... demand a recount?
He objected to the polled answers.
How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness
Ban Shampoo!
Demand the real p**...!
A karen walks up to a stable in Bethlehem and says...
...I demand to speak to the manger!
Emergency measures
On behalf of the international community, as a humanitarian measure, we demand that President Putin be admitted to art school on an emergency basis.
Why have there been so many jokes about inflation lately?
Because demand has risen after a period of low interest.
Ο and e walk into a bar and demand free drinksβ¦
The bartender kicks them out for being irrational.
A couple are on holiday on a pacific island...
When they arrive they hear a constant drum beat; the ask the taxi driver and he says "Drums must never stop!"
They get to the hotel and the drumming is still going, so they ask the cleaner and she says "Drums must never stop!"
The drums continue all night and the couple can't sleep. Exhausted, they storm down to reception and ask about the noise. "Drums must never stop!", says the concierge.
"But why?!" demand the couple.
"Because when drums stop... Bass solo begins!"
According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out
The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming
A friend of mine worked at a production line for a toy factory, producing Dracula dolls. Shortly before Halloween, demand was high, but he only had one colleague.
So he had to make every second Count.
Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.
Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."
"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."
"You can?" Brittney says.
"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin, demand to see Putin, and tell him I don't like the way President Biden is running his country."
(Stolen from an old Reagan joke)
Chuck Norris' plane was hijacked by terrorists and landed at a foreign country for ransom
The demand was to pay $5,000,000 within 24 hours, otherwise Chuck Norris would behead the terrorists.
An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 18% in response to ongoing worker protests.
The workers' main demand is "more playtime".
