The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician, and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any signs of progress and suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not," the doctor replies. The head pops back in.
Then the obstetrician goes over to check out the situation. The baby pops out his head and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "Nope, I didn't do it," and the baby pops back in.
The doctor calls the father and says, "Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out---he keeps asking for his father. Would you please come to the delivery room?" So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the little one asks in an annoyed voice, "Are YOU my daddy?"
Dad kneels down and answers proudly, "Yes, son, I am your lucky father!"
The baby starts tapping his index finger violently and repeatedly on his father's forehead and asks, "This is pretty annoying, isn't it?"
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office.
"What is your name?" Asked the manager.
"Steven," he replied.
"And how much do you make in a week?"
"I make about 400 dollars."
the manager pulls out 400 and hands it to him.
"Here's this week's pay, now get out of here and never let me see you again!"
Steven then gets up and goes away.
Realizing he needs a replacement, the manager then walks up to a random worker and asks him: "that guy, Steve, who just left, what does he do around here?"
"Oh Steve?" Replied the worker, "that's the pizza delivery man!"
... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.
The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.
Within a year, she is pregnant.
Nurse at the delivery room is impressed - "how do you do it?"
"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".
Next year, they are back again. Same nurse asks, "how do you do it?"
"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".
Year after, they are back again. This time the proud father doesn't wait for the question, he knows it's coming. So, as soon as she sees the nurse after the delivery, he goes "you gotta keep that old engine running, you know."
"Well", the nurse replies, "it's time to change oil I guess. This one is black."
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, 'How much money money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO said, 'Wait right here.' He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room a voice said, 'That was the pizza delivery guy.'
He walks out of the delivery room, said to a worried looking man:
" we tried our best, your wife survived, but your children...."
After hearing the news the man started to cry, then the doctor said:
"today is April's fool's day! And I'm just kidding with you"
The man's face brightening the doctor continued:
"Your wife is dead too"
And the doctor says, "can I help you??"
The cannibal says, "I'll have what she's having."
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this.
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said,
"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!
After the delivery, the doctor takes the baby away to check on its health. Shortly thereafter, the doctor comes back in the room and informs the couple that he has some good news, and some bad news, and ask which they would like to hear first.
The couple talks it over for a second tells the doctor they want the bad news first, to get it out of the way.
The doctor looks down at his shoes, sighs and says, "Well, I don't really know how to say this. But you baby, its a ginger."
The couple, obviously relieve, reply "That isn't bad at all! Whats the good news?"
"Its dead"
The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU".
Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room.
Leo: "What is it doc?!"
Doctor: "It's a bo-"
Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"
*Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo*
Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.
Three men are sitting in a waiting room outside a delivery room in a hospital.
A nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the first man:
"Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and healthy set of quadruplets."
The man replies: "That's so amazing because I live in Four Corners, Montana, what are the odds?"
Another nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the second man:
"Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and healthy set of septuplets."
The man replies: "DUDEEEEE, I live in Seven Oaks, Texas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The two men look at the third, he looks back at them with a scared look on his face.
Suddenly the third man yells: "Let me out of this hell now!" and starts running towards the door.
The two men and the two nurses stop him and ask: "Sir, please stop. What's wrong?"
The third replies: "Please let me out!!!! NOWW!!!! I am from Twentynine Palms, California"
Dave: Push!
Wife: [in labour] I AM
Dave: push harder!!
Wife: I CAN'T
Dave: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims
"Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the Democratic People's Republic, we would like to reward you with a car"
The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciation, the party official continues;
"As you know, North Korean industry is the the most powerful and efficient in the world, and as such we will have your car delivered to you in exactly 8 years"
The humble farmer then signals to the official to wait, and he crosses the room to check his calendar. After flipping through for some time he finally says;
"Morning or afternoon?"
The party official is rather offended, and remarks "comrade, you are being given a car! And that privilege aside, delivery is 8 years away, what does it matter if its morning or afternoon?"
To which the farmer responds "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning..."
They are all waiting for their wives in the delivery room.
The doctor comes out and tells them that they accidentally got the 3 babies mixed up and that the three men will have to go in and decide which one is theirs.
The Italian man immediately says "I'll go in first," and rushes into the delivery room. He comes out with a black baby.
The black man stands up and says "Now I KNOW that's my baby." The Italian man responds "There's a chance that either of those other babies could be Jewish and I'm not taking that chance."
where she was immediately taken upstairs into the delivery room.
Already at full dilation, the woman screamed "Where the hell is my doctor?!", and at that very moment the doctor walked in, fully scrubbed and ready to go. The doctor lifted the gown, and almost immediately, the baby came. The doctor looked at the baby, and then promptly smashed it into the wall.
The woman, completely distraught, screamed at the top of her lungs at the doctor; "What the fuck did you just do that for?!"
The doctor laughed and replied, smiling; "Just kidding, it was already dead."
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
I got thrown out of the delivery room after that.
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Damn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
Spawn camping
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