Delivery Man Jokes
58 delivery man jokes and hilarious delivery man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about delivery man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Delivery Man Short Jokes
Short delivery man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The delivery man humour may include short delivery boy jokes also.
- I had to quit my job as a Microsoft delivery man It got awkward telling people I was giving word to their mother.
- I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.
And that it's useful.
And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me. - What's the worst thing you can say to a Jewish bread delivery man? What's the challah cost?
- TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over. It's known as the domino's effect.
- A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.
- A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds Wife Wanted . The next day, he received 1000 of replies,
all reading: You can have mine. Free delivery also available at your door step - Why would President Obama be a bad pizza delivery man? Because he would never bring change! :P
- Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Give a man a monthly subscription of fish delivery right to his home, profit.
- Why did the busy tool delivery-man enter to brothel? He needed to drop off his nut, and bolt.
- They aren't so different. A pizza delivery man and a Gynecologist aren't so different when you think about it.
They both can smell it, but they can't eat it.
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Delivery Man One Liners
Which delivery man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with delivery man? I can suggest the ones about delivery driver and mail man.
- I'm going on a date with a delivery man. He said he'll arrive between 3pm and 7.30pm.
- [IAmA request] UPS delivery man. I hope OP delivers.
- You know how to give a good mail man joke? Good delivery
- My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?
- What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving? Purolator.
- The delivery man tells me I'm short. He asked for $12.86. I didn't even pay yet.
Delivery Man Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about delivery man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean delivery service jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make delivery man pranks.
Two blondes are at work when one of them gets a delivery of a dozen roses from her boyfriend.
The blonde coworker notices that the blonde recipient doesn't seem too pleased about getting the roses. "You know," says the coworker, "If I got a dozen long stem roses from a man, I would be very happy." The other blonde replies, "Yeah, but now I have to spend half the night with my legs in the air." "Why?" the coworker asks, "Can't you afford a vase?"
That clever Frenchman
Three tradesmen work together. One is French, another an American and the last one a German.
Every morning the Frenchman sniffs his fingers and says to himself "Fifi!"
During the day he would constantly repeat this, and everytime after sniffing his fingers he would say "Fifi!" with a grin on his face.
The German man turned to the American and said "Why does he do that?"
The American replied, "Every morning he finger bangs his wife and doesn't wash up afterwards so he can smell her all day".
The next day the German comes into work and looks proudly at his two coworkers. He then places his nose at his shoulder and quickly sniffs all the way down his arm, right to his finger tips. Immediately after he holds both arms out, palms up, fingers slightly bent and yells "Olga!!".
Side note: This joke is very reliant on delivery. I tried to describe to the best of my abilities, how I act when I deliver it in person.
Oil
So an 80 yr. old man runs into a hospital with his 20 yr. old wife, and says "Help! My wife is having a baby!" So, they deliver the baby, and then one of the nurses asks the man "How do you still make babies at your age!?" He c**... replies "Just gotta keep the motor running,"
A few months pass and the couple is back with another baby, again, after the delivery, the nurse asks him how he's able to do it. He replies again "Just gotta keep the motor running," looking very smug.
A few months pass again and sure enough, they're back again with another baby. The nurse asks him after the delivery once more, and with a huge look of gluttonous pride he says "Like before, you just gotta keep the motor running!" The nurse yells "Well I guess its time to change the oil, 'cause this one came out black!
Hold this lantern . . .
In the backwoods of Appalachia, Mr. Johnson's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Being Fired
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this.
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said,
"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!
The new CEO
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, 'How much money money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO said, 'Wait right here.' He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room a voice said, 'That was the pizza delivery guy.'
The postman and kisses dilevery .
There was a postman who is always happy. in the other side there is harry who would just stares at the happy postman everyday and asks himself "What's the secret of this man".
One day Harry decided to stop the postman and ask him why he's always smiling and happy, what he did.
the postman answered:"Whenever I'm handing a mail to a women I kisses her and I get more than just a kiss sometimes."
Harry liked the idea and went to a poste office and proposed for the job then he got it . In his first delivery Harry was so excited try the kissing thing out, and as he thought, there was a hot women in front of the first door, he went directly towared her and pasted her a kiss staight in the lips, in the middle of that her husband suddenly appeared in front him and asked:"w**... ARE YOU DOING."
"I'm just delivering a 'kiss' was sent from China" Harry answered in a sporadic tone.
"Very nice, you came on time, I want to send a 'Fuck' with you to South Africa" the husband responded while draging Harry into the house.
This is also a translated joke, hope it's better than the first one
Slackers
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of
A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
A lion walks into a savannah restaurant (made this one up while brushing my teeth this morning!)
A lion walks into a restaurant on the savannah and asks what's on the menu. "We can cook anything you want," replies the host, "elephant, wildebeest, hippo -- if it lives here, we can grill it up for you." The lion thinks for minute, then asks, "Do you have giraffe? I've really been hankering for some giraffe."
"Sorry man," replies the host, "that's a tall order."
any suggestions / help with delivery welcome!
A black man, an italian and a Jew are at a hospital.
They are all waiting for their wives in the delivery room.
The doctor comes out and tells them that they accidentally got the 3 babies mixed up and that the three men will have to go in and decide which one is theirs.
The Italian man immediately says "I'll go in first," and rushes into the delivery room. He comes out with a black baby.
The black man stands up and says "Now I KNOW that's my baby." The Italian man responds "There's a chance that either of those other babies could be Jewish and I'm not taking that chance."
So a gay UPS delivery man came to my door today...
He was very persistant on checking my package.
Topical Jokes for 10/9
(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the pizza was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of w**... in it.
To thwart corruption, traffic police in Thailand will now receive a bonus if they refuse bribes. The plan affects all levels of Thailand police, from the street-level Bribe Solicitor, to Director of Bribes, all the way up to Bribe King.
…the anti-corruption program will be funded by confiscated bribes.
Lawmakers have approved $700 million dollars to help fight Ebola. The lawmakers announced the news from inside their $700 million dollar Ebola-proof bunker.
In North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has not made a public appearance for several weeks. Kim's unexplained absence has sparked rumors in the state-run media that everything is totally fine.
The mailman's last day
A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds.
The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing s**... the mailman had ever had in his life.
As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked.
"Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"
I went to the world drinks fair last week.
I went to the World Drinks fair last week, and I got there a bit early.
The supervisor was dashing around everywhere trying to help get booths, tables and queue ropes set up, and I saw someone come up and say a few words to him. I watched this man break down in front of me. He crumpled to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. As a good citizen of the earth, I had to try to console him, so I went up and asked him if he was going to be okay. What did he reply?
[answer in comments]
*This is OC so I'm editing the delivery to try and make it roll off better, I'd appreciate feedback. This joke and a few less original ones are gonna get me a girlfriend this new years.*
A gynecologist and a pizza delivery man. What do they have in common ?
-Both of them can sniff "the goods" but no one can touch !
A new manager was hired....
The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office.
"What is your name?" Asked the manager.
"Steven," he replied.
"And how much do you make in a week?"
"I make about 400 dollars."
the manager pulls out 400 and hands it to him.
"Here's this week's pay, now get out of here and never let me see you again!"
Steven then gets up and goes away.
Realizing he needs a replacement, the manager then walks up to a random worker and asks him: "that guy, Steve, who just left, what does he do around here?"
"Oh Steve?" Replied the worker, "that's the pizza delivery man!"
Amazing delivery.
Nurse : Congrats, a new-born has arrived in your house.
Man : Amazing technolgy !!!! Wife is in the hospital but delivers in the house !!!!!
Donut Man
What did the donut delivery man say to the guy who was r**... and murdering his entire family?
"Please donut do that"
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
A pizza man is delivering my pizza
I hear a knock on the door, so I say
"Who is it?"
The pizza guy replies
"The pizza delivery man"
I respond
"The pizza delivery man who?"
The pizza guy responds
"Come on kid! I have your pizza, and it's raining out here. Get the pizza already!"
I reply
"That's the best you got? You really need to work on your delivery"
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.
Why is it that when you m**... your first pizza delivery man, it's so easy to kill the next one?
The Domino effekt
So a doctor is delivering a baby
He walks out of the delivery room, said to a worried looking man:
" we tried our best, your wife survived, but your children...."
After hearing the news the man started to cry, then the doctor said:
"today is April's fool's day! And I'm just kidding with you"
The man's face brightening the doctor continued:
"Your wife is dead too"
Apparently, there's a new s**... position called, "delivery man"...
You stay in all day and no-one comes...
Started a new job as a delivery man today...
When I got to my first address, there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr Delivery Man, we're out, please hide in garage."
That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me.
This 80 years old rich old man marries a young lady
Within a year, she is pregnant.
Nurse at the delivery room is impressed - "how do you do it?"
"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".
Next year, they are back again. Same nurse asks, "how do you do it?"
"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".
Year after, they are back again. This time the proud father doesn't wait for the question, he knows it's coming. So, as soon as she sees the nurse after the delivery, he goes "you gotta keep that old engine running, you know."
"Well", the nurse replies, "it's time to change oil I guess. This one is black."
I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.
I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.
Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...
...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.
Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery
Be careful, this ones an antique
A Soviet citizen has spent a few years saving up to buy a new car. Finally he gets his 10,000 rubles together and heads to the state office. He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles. The official behind the desk looks it over for a minute, counts the money, and looks up.
"Very well comrade, you are approved and are put on the list. In 10 years you will come in to accept delivery."
The man says "thank you comrade, but will that be morning or afternoon?"
The official, somewhat shocked, says "who cares? Its 10 years from now."
The man explains "well, the plumber's coming in the morning..."
Ordered Chinese food last night
When the delivery guy showed up to deliver it I went out to meet him saw it was a little Chinese man and he started shouting isolate isolate I looked at him and laughed and said you're not late it's only been 15 minutes since I ordered
In 1978, a Russian man buys a Lada...
After he signs the last form, the salesman says, "You can expect delivery on 4 February, 1981."
The man replies, "Morning or evening?"
This is not the reaction that the salesman expects. The most common reaction, of course, is resigned disappointment. Anger was a close second. He'd seen some giggle at the absurdity, and some swear they'd be calling influential friends.
But this? The salesman is dumbfounded. "Morning or evening?! What does it matter! It's in over 2 years!"
"Well," says the man, "It's just that the heater repairman is coming that morning."
I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying 'Dear delivery man, we're out, please hide in garbage'
That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me
George W. Bush's brand new Porsche is delivered to his home.
Upon inspecting it he turns to the delivery man and says, "Now lookie here son, there seems to be some sort of a mistake. This appears to be the 718. I ordered 911."
CEO spots a man wandering in a factory
In a factory, A man standing on the floor, not doing any work and looking aimlessly.
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary.
Man replied "5000 sir"
CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him
"I pay people to work and not to waste time, This is your 3months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back".
That guy left....
Then CEO asked workers, "Who was that guy?"
workers replied "PIZZA delivery boy, sir."