Delivery Jokes

Following is our collection of midwife puns and dispatch one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Delivery jokes for adults, dirty delivery room jokes and clean deliveryman dad gags for kids.

The Best Delivery Puns

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off


I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?

Always have to smell it, never get to eat it.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man leaves.

The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?

They reply - a pizza delivery man.

How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?

They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.


Why is a pizza delivery guy like a gynecologist?

They're allowed to smell it, but they get in trouble if they eat it.

Teehee

Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

After the delivery


(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.

An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery

If they're late the delivery ends up cold.


What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

I vandalized an art major's car today.

Removing pizza delivery signs is surprisingly easy.

I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery

He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

Look, anything is funny with the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, which by definition have no delivery.

What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween?

Free delivery.

I was going to type up this joke about pregnancy

but I realized it was all about the delivery

Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .

C sections are like the DiGiorno of pregnancy.

Because it's not delivery.

Whats a similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?

They both smell it, but they can't eat it.

Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.

They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you have a vase?"

When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "

Class: "umm"

Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."

Friend: "what?"

Me: "poor delivery"



This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.

It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery

Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

I came home today to find my sister watching an action movie.

She told me she was watching it to learn how to fight. The next day I came home and she was watching a romantic comedy. She told me she was watching it to learn how to love. The day after that I came home and as I arrived there was a pizza delivery guy leaving the house. When I walked inside my sister told me she found a movie under my bed.

Why are bad jokes like dead babies?

Usually, something went wrong with the delivery.

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

What makes a good pizza joke?

It's all in the delivery

Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.

We're calling it Send Noods

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

Hear the one about the miscarriage?

I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong

You murder one pizza delivery driver, and then you have to murder another pizza delivery driver.

That's the domino effect

Jokes are like babies...

...if they don't have a good delivery, they just fall flat.

Kid says to his mom: "I wish I was never born, my life is a joke!"

She replies: "And the delivery was awful!"

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain.

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.

What do you call a delivery driver from an indian takeaway?

A curryier.

I'm going on a date with a delivery man.

He said he'll arrive between 3pm and 7.30pm.

My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes...

Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery.

My mailman tried telling me a joke but it wasn't all that funny.

He should work on his delivery.

Abortion jokes aren't funny.

They don't have a delivery

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.

Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.

If Hooters started a home delivery service...

would it be called Knockers?

I'm not the best midwife

I need to work on the delivery a bit

Did you hear the Germans now have breakfast delivery drones?

They call them the LuftWaffles

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn't laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I've persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she's in labor with our fourth and I've finally got her laughing...

I think I've really improved the delivery!

What do you call a pig delivery service?

Hamazon.

What do you call the birth of a retarded child?

A special delivery.

Someone stole £5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck.

How do these people sleep at night?

You know what would be a good name for a cocaine delivery service company?

Instagram

Why do cannibals like Mormons?

free delivery.

Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

I had to quit my job as a Microsoft delivery man

It got awkward telling people I was giving word to their mother.

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? (OC)

His material is terrible, but his delivery is amazing!

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn't laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I've persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she's in labor with our fourth and I've finally got her laughing...

...I think I've really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses?

They have a mid-wife crisis.

Have you heard the one about the late pizza guy?

Just gotta work on the delivery.

Someone knocked on my door

As I opened, I saw a pizza delivery guy with a large pepperoni pizza in his hand.

"You must be mistaken. I didn't order any pizza!", I said

"Yes, I know", he replied, "Your neighbor forgot his instagram password and wanted to show you what he's having for dinner!"

What do a pizza delivery guy and gynaecologist both have in common?

They both have to smell it, but neither of them get to taste it

Why did Amazon name their drone delivery service Amazon Prime Air?

Because the name Dropbox is already taken

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said no, it's because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.

I thought of perfect Dad joke while my wife was in labor..

But I messed up the delivery.

There is an abundance of labor jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 72 funniest jokes and delivery puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any kindergartens witze you can hear about delivery.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes