Deliver Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
I Ordered Pizza From OP Pizza...
Turns out they don't deliver.
I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...
yes, OP delivers.
Who is a Project Manager?
Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.
Newspapers
The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
Why don't trucking companies like to hire women?
Every time you give them a load, it takes them 9 months to deliver.
What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?
Two large plains.
I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster"
We don't deliver.
OP is in labour.
Still can't deliver.
You can explore deliver supply reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean deliver obstetrician dad jokes. There are also deliver puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies?
Swallows.
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.
OP will not deliver
A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin
...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.
Why do woman make terrible truck drivers?
Because you give them one good load and it takes them nine months to deliver.
Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver w**... to your house in 10 minutes...
Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad
I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.
A single woman walks into a bar.
She goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I was told there would be a joke; that it would be hilarious; and that you would deliver the punchline."
The bartender looks up and says, "well aren't you miss informed."
You can say a lot about o**... thieves, but
At least they de-liver.
One Sunday morning in church...
... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."
A delivery driver asked me what time it was…
I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .
When I promise to come up with an o**... transplant pun...
I de-liver.
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.
I think she's going through a midwife crisis.
With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons
You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeons deliver n**... faster than your service provider
They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...
I deliver...
Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions
With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.
Because there is no delivery.
What's the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?
Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes
I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.
I'm having a midwife crisis.
Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?
The alpha mail
THE SIN OF LYING
A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa
Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby
Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver
Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks
Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''
I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".
What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.
Mid-wife for sale,
can deliver.
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight
You'll order but we won't deliver.
I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a f**... that is scheduled for 5:00am.
I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.
I like updoots, I like silver
Cake day cake day please deliver
Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?
Because he's on the Nautilus
Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19
He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
I'm so thankful for the people who deliver pizza
I've always hated liver!
A minister told his congregation:
"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.
Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."
I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...
Because revenge is a dish best served cold
How do you deliver gym equipment to Hogwarts?
Through the dumbbell door.
So, I delivered a baby today...
Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.
I'm joking, of course.
I work for UPS.
Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but...
Don't babies need their livers?
Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil
CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver c**....
I was delivering a parcel. I walked up to the front door and knocked, before noticing a sign.
"If not in, leave with neighbours."
I tried one more time and nobody answered, so I walked to their neighbour's front door.
A young couple answered. I said, "Get in the van, I've been told to take you with me."
Yet another art major joke
An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, here's an art joke. How do you get an art major off your front porch? You pay for the pizza!" the bartender jests. "Oh, very funny. I'll have you know that now that I have my fine arts degree I don't have to deliver to people anymore. In fact, people come to me, money in hand, explaining what they want me to create," the artist indignantly replies. "Then let me guess .... you tell them to pull up to the next window," the bartender says.
I order my ex girlfriend a meal she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it because...
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Do storks deliver babies?
An OB/GYN walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So do all those storks delivering babies cut into your business?" the bartender jokes. "That, of course, is a complete myth," the stuffy OB/GYN huffs. "The only thing storks and obstetricians have in common is a large bill."
What is the mailman's favorite body part?
Deliver
A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "
Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"
I was going to post a joke about abortion
But Reddit killed it before I could deliver it
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.
The priest says- I'm a type A
The minister says- I'm a type B
The rabbit says- I think I'm a typo
Lying
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
The Stork family comes home at the end of the day
The storks sit down for dinner. Mama Stork says "Father Stork, what did you do today?"
Father Stork says "I was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Mama Stork?"
Mama Stork says "I also was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Baby Stork?"
Baby Stork says "I was out scaring the c**... out of college students."
(Cultural note: in many cultures, a common myth is that storks deliver babies to mothers instead of mothers giving birth)
Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".
Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".
Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours.
It's called Tailor Swift.
A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
