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Deliver Jokes

147 deliver jokes and hilarious deliver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deliver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Deliver Short Jokes

Short deliver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deliver humour may include short shipment jokes also.

  1. Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another. I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
  2. I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
  3. What's the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ? Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes
  4. I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot". What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.
  5. A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood. The priest says- I'm a type A
    The minister says- I'm a type B
    The rabbit says- I think I'm a typo
  6. Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver
  7. I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
  8. I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat. Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
  9. My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies. I think it's just a midwife crisis.
  10. If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies? Swallows.

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Deliver One Liners

Which deliver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deliver? I can suggest the ones about provide and send.

  1. Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.
  2. What are the 3 worst mistakes in business 1. Over-promising
    2. Under-delivering
  3. Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but... Don't babies need their livers?
  4. I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers. #
  5. TIFU by delivering a punch line in the wrong place at the wrong time April Fools!
  6. I was going to post a joke about abortion But Reddit killed it before I could deliver it
  7. Just helped a girl give birth... OP delivered.
  8. The dumpling chef always delivers, he’s truly aww-some.
  9. What do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.
  10. OP is in labour. Still can't deliver.
  11. I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster" We don't deliver.
  12. I Ordered Pizza From OP Pizza... Turns out they don't deliver.
  13. The Mailman just told me a joke. It wasn't that funny, but it was delivered really well.
  14. What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies? Obi-Gyn Kenobi.
  15. I'm so thankful for the people who deliver pizza I've always hated liver!

Failing Deliver Jokes

Here is a list of funny failing deliver jokes and even better failing deliver puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law.. And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.
  • TIL That Oscar Pistorius once opened a pizza parlor only to have it fail and go bankrupt. The cause? His car was always breaking down, so OP never delivered.
  • Why did the dead comedian fail to deliver a proper punchline? Didn't re-hearse enough.
Deliver joke, Why did the dead comedian fail to deliver a proper punchline?

Deliver Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about deliver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean produce jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deliver pranks.

How did gay santa deliver presents?

He went through the b**....

Old Man Keeps the Engine Running

A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."

I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...

yes, OP delivers.

Who is a Project Manager?

Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.

Newspapers

The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."

Who delivers presents to the hood?

Crip Cringle.

I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.

Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.

Why don't trucking companies like to hire women?

Every time you give them a load, it takes them 9 months to deliver.

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

Young Chuck

One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.

I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

Delivering the punchline too early.

You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?

Have you guys heard the joke about the airplane?

I'd tell it, but it'd go over your heads....
CORNY JOKES THREAD!
OP will deliver knee slappers and humdingers!

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.

I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages...

...mangled and missing the most important parts.

"Have you heard about the new rule in boxing?"

... James asked his friend Jake. Jake hadn't.
- Basically, to reduce the number of blows under the belt that boxers deliver and receive, their outfits will feature a line just above the waist that they must aim for with every hit.
- What? That's ridiculous! Is there something written on it?
- Of course! __This is the punchline__."

How did the stem cell break it to his girl?

It's not you; it's me*iosis*
Could probably do with some work on deliver as I made it 5 minutes ago

Why do woman make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them one good load and it takes them nine months to deliver.

TIFU on the first day of my courier job

.
.
.
.
.
OP didn't deliver

What do African Postmen deliver?

Blackmail.

I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail.

I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional mail boxer.

There are 10 kinds of people...

Those who understand changes in base, and those who don't.
...And those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.
...And those who were.
...And those who already stopped reading.
...And those who can count.
...And those who can't.
...And OP's who don't deliver.
...And OP's who deliver.
...And normal peopl**e WHO COUNT BY TENS LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD**

A registered o**... donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver w**... to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

Alcohol will deliver you...

Literally. De-Liver you...

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"

Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore.

Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?

Santa Jaws

What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree?

A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree

A single woman walks into a bar.

She goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I was told there would be a joke; that it would be hilarious; and that you would deliver the punchline."
The bartender looks up and says, "well aren't you miss informed."

A pizza delivery guy walks into a bar

What? Did you think he was there to deliver pizza? Can't he want a drink once in a while?

You can say a lot about o**... thieves, but

At least they de-liver.

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

Midwife for sale.

Can Deliver.

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .

I thought I'd be cute and deliver a kiss to my wife

She wasn't in so I left it with the neighbour

When I promise to come up with an o**... transplant pun...

I de-liver.

What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Postal Service have in common?

Both, don't deliver on Sundays.

I just delivered an obituary for a woman and her kids told me she would have loved it

It's a shame; she only missed it by 2 days.

What do you call it when a woman in her 40s suddenly decides to deliver babies for a living?

A Midwife Crisis

What is Prometheus' least favorite movie?

Stand and Deliver

So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

How do pirates deliver babies?

Sea-section.

I'm returning my microwave to Amazon.

It's been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeon deliver n**... faster than your service provider

They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...

I deliver...
Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

When leaving to deliver presents, where does Santa head first?

South.

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.

Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?

The alpha mail

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa

I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

My wife just delivered a baby!

She decided to deliver some toys too, in case the orphanage needs them.

New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road

Said one officer, Come out with your hands up!
- Seth Myers / Writers

How do you deliver a joke to an idiot?

I said, how do you deliver a joke to an idiot?

Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks

Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''

Why are teen boys the best delivery guys?

Because they always deliver their load in under 8 seconds.

90 year old farmer wants a loan.

He goes to the banker for the loan to buy land. The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.
"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."

The hospital were desperate they couldn't find anyone to help deliver a lady's baby!

...They we're having a midwife crisis.

D.A.R.E. told us that people would offer us drugs all the time.

Like most movements it promised way more than it could deliver...

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

I had a delivery from Hermes today.

He asked if I could give him the time, so I said it was between 8am-10pm

Selling a mid wife

Can deliver

Mid-wife for sale,

can deliver.

Who delivered the mail back when Jesus was alive?

The apostal service

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they're getting into.

What does an o**... stealing bandit say?

Stand and de-liver!

Whats it called when storks deliver the wrong baby?

Male fraud

Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: Tell me the good news.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours left to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Deliver joke, Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

jokes about deliver