Deliver Jokes
147 deliver jokes and hilarious deliver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deliver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Deliver Short Jokes
Short deliver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deliver humour may include short shipment jokes also.
- Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another. I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
- I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
- What's the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ? Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes
- Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver
- I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat. Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
- My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies. I think it's just a midwife crisis.
- If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies? Swallows.
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it... Because revenge is a dish best served cold
- When my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I was older, I said, "a postman". They laughed and said I should have more ambition, but now I'm 33 and work at FedEx. OP delivers!
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Deliver One Liners
Which deliver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deliver? I can suggest the ones about provide and send.
- Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.
- What are the 3 worst mistakes in business 1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering - Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but... Don't babies need their livers?
- I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers. #
- TIFU by delivering a punch line in the wrong place at the wrong time April Fools!
- I was going to post a joke about abortion But Reddit killed it before I could deliver it
- Just helped a girl give birth... OP delivered.
- The dumpling chef always delivers, he’s truly aww-some.
- What do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.
- OP is in labour. Still can't deliver.
- I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster" We don't deliver.
- I Ordered Pizza From OP Pizza... Turns out they don't deliver.
- The Mailman just told me a joke. It wasn't that funny, but it was delivered really well.
- What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies? Obi-Gyn Kenobi.
- I'm so thankful for the people who deliver pizza I've always hated liver!
Failing Deliver Jokes
Here is a list of funny failing deliver jokes and even better failing deliver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law.. And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.
- TIL That Oscar Pistorius once opened a pizza parlor only to have it fail and go bankrupt. The cause? His car was always breaking down, so OP never delivered.
- Why did the dead comedian fail to deliver a proper punchline? Didn't re-hearse enough.
Deliver Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about deliver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean produce jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deliver pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did gay santa deliver presents?
He went through the b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...
yes, OP delivers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
Who is a Project Manager?
Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.
Newspapers
The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
Who delivers presents to the hood?
Crip Cringle.
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?
Two large plains.
Why do abortion clinics make bad OP's?
... because they don't deliver...
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
I've always been corny...
When I was born, there were three storks. One to deliver me and two to fend off the crows.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a black lawyer deliver in court?
n**...' pleas
OP started a pizza place.
They don't deliver.
I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.
OP will not deliver
Delivering the punchline too early.
You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?
Have you guys heard the joke about the airplane?
I'd tell it, but it'd go over your heads....
CORNY JOKES THREAD!
OP will deliver knee slappers and humdingers!
A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin
...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.
I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages...
...mangled and missing the most important parts.
"Have you heard about the new rule in boxing?"
... James asked his friend Jake. Jake hadn't.
- Basically, to reduce the number of blows under the belt that boxers deliver and receive, their outfits will feature a line just above the waist that they must aim for with every hit.
- What? That's ridiculous! Is there something written on it?
- Of course! __This is the punchline__."
How did the stem cell break it to his girl?
It's not you; it's me*iosis*
Could probably do with some work on deliver as I made it 5 minutes ago
What will Tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents?
An elf driving car
bloke in the pub
The other night, this bloke in the pub was telling me he was a big star in the 80's with a song called "stand and deliver".
I didn't believe a word he said, but he was adamant
Why would OP make a terrible pizza chain?
Because they don't deliver.
TIFU on the first day of my courier job
.
.
.
.
.
OP didn't deliver
What do African Postmen deliver?
Blackmail.
Stand and Deliver
"Stand and Deliver" are motivational words unless they are told to a pregnant lady.
I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail.
I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional mail boxer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A registered o**... donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...
Because they de-liver for free.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver w**... to your house in 10 minutes...
Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.
My mom must be OP
Every night at dinner, she tells me she doesn't deliver.
Thought of this one at dinner when my mom said "I don't deliver". Sorry if this one's already done ;(
Alcohol will deliver you...
Literally. De-Liver you...
The local pizzeria promised us the best delivery service
But they didn't deliver.
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?
Paula Ab-doula
Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore.
Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.
I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad
I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.
Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree?
A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree
A single woman walks into a bar.
She goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I was told there would be a joke; that it would be hilarious; and that you would deliver the punchline."
The bartender looks up and says, "well aren't you miss informed."
What's the best way to deliver a cheesy joke?
Show up at someone's house with Little Caesar's.
A pizza delivery guy walks into a bar
What? Did you think he was there to deliver pizza? Can't he want a drink once in a while?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can say a lot about o**... thieves, but
At least they de-liver.
When you're waiting in a restraunt for the waiter to deliver your order...
...in that moment, don't you become *the waiter?*
I called up my local takeaway shop to see if they deliver meals
He goes "we do chicken, we do beef, we do fish - we don't do liver"
A delivery driver asked me what time it was…
I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .
I thought I'd be cute and deliver a kiss to my wife
She wasn't in so I left it with the neighbour
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I promise to come up with an o**... transplant pun...
I de-liver.
What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Postal Service have in common?
Both, don't deliver on Sundays.
I just delivered an obituary for a woman and her kids told me she would have loved it
It's a shame; she only missed it by 2 days.
What do you call it when a woman in her 40s suddenly decides to deliver babies for a living?
A Midwife Crisis
What is Prometheus' least favorite movie?
Stand and Deliver
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.
I think she's going through a midwife crisis.
I'm returning my microwave to Amazon.
It's been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons
You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeon deliver n**... faster than your service provider
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...
I deliver...
Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions
With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.
Because there is no delivery.
I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.
I'm having a midwife crisis.
When leaving to deliver presents, where does Santa head first?
South.
What's the same about the Eagles and a mailman?
They both won't deliver on Sunday.
My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week
I told her that when ladies answer the door say, Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.
What did the pregnant lady say to the annoying doctor who couldn't seem to deliver her child?
Cut it out!
Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?
The alpha mail
I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.
Let that sink in.
My wife just delivered a baby!
She decided to deliver some toys too, in case the orphanage needs them.
You're about to deliver a great punchline to a blues-rock legend, but you pause for comedic timing.
Tom Waits.
New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road
Said one officer, Come out with your hands up!
- Seth Myers / Writers
Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks
Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are teen boys the best delivery guys?
Because they always deliver their load in under 8 seconds.
The hospital were desperate they couldn't find anyone to help deliver a lady's baby!
...They we're having a midwife crisis.
D.A.R.E. told us that people would offer us drugs all the time.
Like most movements it promised way more than it could deliver...
I had a delivery from Hermes today.
He asked if I could give him the time, so I said it was between 8am-10pm
Mid-wife for sale,
can deliver.
Who delivered the mail back when Jesus was alive?
The apostal service
