Deliver Jokes

Following is our collection of ups humor and supply one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Deliver puns for adults, dirty bring jokes or clean obstetrician gags for kids.

There is an abundance of delivery jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on deliver. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fedex witze you can hear about deliver.

The Best jokes about Deliver

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

What's the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby

Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver


I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.

With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"

Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."

Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."

"What do you say when they're ugly?"

"He looks just like his mother!"

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies?

Swallows.


One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .

Old Man Keeps the Engine Running

A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.

After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:

* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.

After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.

The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."

Why don't trucking companies like to hire women?

Every time you give them a load, it takes them 9 months to deliver.

Young Chuck

One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...

yes, OP delivers.

Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks

Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''


Oil

So an 80 yr. old man runs into a hospital with his 20 yr. old wife, and says "Help! My wife is having a baby!" So, they deliver the baby, and then one of the nurses asks the man "How do you still make babies at your age!?" He cooly replies "Just gotta keep the motor running,"
A few months pass and the couple is back with another baby, again, after the delivery, the nurse asks him how he's able to do it. He replies again "Just gotta keep the motor running," looking very smug.
A few months pass again and sure enough, they're back again with another baby. The nurse asks him after the delivery once more, and with a huge look of gluttonous pride he says "Like before, you just gotta keep the motor running!" The nurse yells "Well I guess its time to change the oil, 'cause this one came out black!

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Joe replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've spent it already.'

Joe said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with it?

Joe said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't flog a dead horse!'

Joe said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Joe said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Joe said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.'

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.'

I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.

Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.

Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

"Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."

"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Who is a Project Manager?

Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.

A single woman walks into a bar.

She goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I was told there would be a joke; that it would be hilarious; and that you would deliver the punchline."

The bartender looks up and says, "well aren't you miss informed."

They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...

I deliver...

Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions

Dead Donkey joke

One day Chuck got tired of investment banking and decided to become a farmer. He packed his things and bought a Texas ranch.

Eventually Chuck bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey following week.

When the day came, the farmer showed up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'Whattaya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'That's my business.'

A month later, the farmer bumped into Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I held a raffle. People could pay a dollar per ticket for a chance to win a free donkey. I sold five hundred tickets!'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain when they found out the donkey was dead?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his dollar."

OP is in labour.

Still can't deliver.

So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.

The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, women and booze.
He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him.
"Time's up, your soul, now, as per our deal"
The man looked at him blankly and said "alright"
He pulls out a sharp blade, bends over and reaches toward his shoes.

I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster"

We don't deliver.

A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".

The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".

I Ordered Pizza From OP Pizza...

Turns out they don't deliver.

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....

The policeman fainted.

So a man goes to the doctor

So a man goes to the doctor and the doctor believes he may have the dreaded bingo tumour. He says "sir, there is a chance of the tumour being malignant so we will have to run some tests."

They run the tests and a couple of weeks later, the doctor calls him back to his office for the results. The doctor takes him aside and closes the door to deliver the news. "The bad news is that it is definitely a bingo tumour" The man frowns. "What's the good news?" he asks. The doctor looks him dead in the eye and says "It's b9"

Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?

The alpha mail

Mid-wife for sale,

can deliver.

I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

A joke about squirrels.

There were three churches in my town that were all infested with squirrels. They each came up with a different way to deal with the infestation.

The first church hired an exterminator. He came by on a Monday morning, and by Sunday the squirrels were back.

The second church prayed to the Lord to deliver them from the squirrels, but did nothing themselves to solve the problem. The squirrels never left.

The third church had a young, zealous pastor who reasoned that since the squirrels were in church, they should be baptized. Now the squirrels are only there for Christmas and Easter.

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

Newspapers

The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive

Delivery confirmation

Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.

OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.

Yes, I will hear a TCP joke.

Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?

Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.

Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.

Ok, I am ready to get your TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have an explicit setting, and ends with a punchline.

I'm sorry, your connection has timed out. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

You can say a lot about organ thieves, but

At least they de-liver.

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.

The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

A pirate, parrot, and a genie were on a boat

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

Why do woman make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them one good load and it takes them nine months to deliver.

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were painted green the cows would be more relaxed and likely produce more milk.

When the physicist is called in he immediately draws a circle on a blackboard and says, "Now assume a cow is a sphere..."

A pizza delivery guy walks into a bar

What? Did you think he was there to deliver pizza? Can't he want a drink once in a while?

Ten Commandments

God sends his angel to Earth to deliver his Commandments to the people. First the angel visited the Germans: "God has sent me to deliver his commandments", says the angel. "Give us an example", say the Germans "Thou shall not covet your neighbours land" "Begone!!!", say the Germans
Next the angel goes the France. They too want an example. "Thou shall not covet your neighbour's wife" "Begone!!!!", say the French.
Next the angel goes to the Jews. "God has sent me to deliver his commandments" "Well how much are they", ask the Jews "Well, actually they're free..." "WE'LL TAKE TEN!!!!!!!"

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

TIFU on the first day of my courier job

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OP didn't deliver

Midwife for sale.

Can Deliver.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes