Deliver Jokes

Following is our collection of ups puns and supply one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Deliver jokes for adults, dirty bring jokes and clean obstetrician dad gags for kids.

The Best Deliver Puns

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

What's the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.


Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby

Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver

I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.

With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"

Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."

Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."

"What do you say when they're ugly?"

"He looks just like his mother!"

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.


If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies?

Swallows.

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .

Old Man Keeps the Engine Running

A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.

After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:

* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.

After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.

The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."

Why don't trucking companies like to hire women?

Every time you give them a load, it takes them 9 months to deliver.

Young Chuck

One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...

yes, OP delivers.


Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks

Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''

I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.

Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.

Who is a Project Manager?

Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.

They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...

I deliver...

Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions

A single woman walks into a bar.

She goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I was told there would be a joke; that it would be hilarious; and that you would deliver the punchline."

The bartender looks up and says, "well aren't you miss informed."

OP is in labour.

Still can't deliver.

I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster"

We don't deliver.

I Ordered Pizza From OP Pizza...

Turns out they don't deliver.

I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....

The policeman fainted.

Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?

The alpha mail

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a funeral that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

Mid-wife for sale,

can deliver.

I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

Newspapers

The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive

You can say a lot about organ thieves, but

At least they de-liver.

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

I like updoots, I like silver

Cake day cake day please deliver

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

Why do woman make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them one good load and it takes them nine months to deliver.

A pizza delivery guy walks into a bar

What? Did you think he was there to deliver pizza? Can't he want a drink once in a while?

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

TIFU on the first day of my courier job

.
.
.
.
.
OP didn't deliver

Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law..

And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.

Midwife for sale.

Can Deliver.

I'm returning my microwave to Amazon.

It's been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

My wife just delivered a baby!

She decided to deliver some toys too, in case the orphanage needs them.

"Have you heard about the new rule in boxing?"

... James asked his friend Jake. Jake hadn't.
- Basically, to reduce the number of blows under the belt that boxers deliver and receive, their outfits will feature a line just above the waist that they must aim for with every hit.
- What? That's ridiculous! Is there something written on it?
- Of course! __This is the punchline__."

Why are teen boys the best delivery guys?

Because they always deliver their load in under 8 seconds.

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree?

A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree

Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore.

Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.

What does an organ stealing bandit say?

Stand and de-liver!

90 year old farmer wants a loan.

He goes to the banker for the loan to buy land. The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.
"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."

There is an abundance of delivery jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes and deliver puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fedex witze you can hear about deliver.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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