Delicious Jokes

Little Johnny walks into his parent's room one night to find them having s**....
"Mom? What are you doing?" he asks his mom.
"Making a cake" his mom replies.
Later that week, Little Johnny walks asks his mom in the car "Were you and daddy making a cake on the couch" he asks.
"Yeah. Why?" his mom asks, confused and worried.
"Because I licked the icing off the couch! It was delicious!" he responded.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She's dead and berried.

A teacher tells her students to make a sentence using the words "cheese" and "liver"...

The White kid responds, "Last night my mother made a Cheese and Liver sandwich. It was delicious."
The Black kid responds, "Last night my Dad told my Mom to go get groceries. When she came back without the Government cheese, he punched her in the liver."
The Mexican kid responds, "Last night some vatos tried looking up my sisters skirt. So I tell them, HEY LIVER ALONE! CHEESE MY SISTER!"

Two cannibals are eating a m**... starting at opposite ends.

One says to the other "This guy's ear is delicious! Are you enjoying eating him as much as I am?"
The other cannibal says "I'm having a ball."

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the f**...."

Battered Women

Not as delicious as it sounds

"The FISH joke"

A lazy guy went fishing but forgot the worms. So instead, he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote on it; "I am a delicious worm!", attached it the hook and threw it in the water .. After 3 hours of waiting, he finally felt a drag.. so he quickly pulled the hook out of the water, and found a different piece of paper that says: ".. And I am a delicious fish ;)"

Vegan ribs are actually delicious!

The hardest part is hunting down the vegan.

The little bit of decent human being left in me finds cannibalism to be wrong...

but who cares, he was delicious!

Diet - day 1:

I have removed all bad food from the house…it was delicious.

A recently married couple...

A recently married couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: "Honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Won't you do that here?"
Husband: "That's at home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

Couple in a Restaurant – Joke

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…
As the food was served, Husband said:
The Food looks delicious, let's eat.
Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called 'Road-Kill Recipes'

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I'm just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...

... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"

Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...

Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground. Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?" So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast. "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!" Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."

A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.

He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and t**... into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.
He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry.

Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,
"I have to admit, these bagels are really delicious! We don't have bagels like this in Germany."
"Well," the intern replies, "whose fault is that?"

Grandma and the Bird

I said, "Grandma, how do you like the bird I sent?"
She said, "It was delicious."
I said, "You ate it?! That was a two thousand dollar talking bird!" She said, "Well, he should have said something."

A man and a woman are in a restaurant...

When their food arrives, the man exclaims Well this looks delicious! Let's eat
But don't we have to say prayer first? Says the woman
Honey, we do that at home. Here the chef knows how to cook

Marriage is like a bar of soap...

It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called, "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the very next day, I came across some road kill, so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious...

I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike...

I had my first date in high school.

I'm happy home economics introduced me to such a delicious fruit.

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my t**... and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"
The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,
"Have you ever puked?"

What's a baby cow called?

Delicious

What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger?

One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one.

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming hot carbs around me, I knew that for now, escape would have to be my mission.
Mission in pasta bowl.

Two lions spoke at a f**......

First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."
Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!
That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea

Year 4000 will be a delicious year.

MMMM

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"

I've been giving my cows w**... to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.
At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...

He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"
The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."

There was a young poet called Dinesh

There was a young poet called Dinesh
Who could start but never quite finish
He began so ambitiously
Continued deliciously
Then stopped

I used to love eating aged meat.

That was until the gravedigger caught me.
Now I like fresh meat.
He was delicious!

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

Panda's Day Out

A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.
After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a p**... and shoots him. The waiter dies on the spot and the panda runs away.
The police are called and owner explains the situation. But the police refuse to investigate. When the puzzled owner enquires why, the police just show a dictionary. It says,
"*Panda: A type of bear that eats shoots and leaves*"

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park and crying his heart out

A passing cop stopped and asked, what happened?
Old man: I have a beautiful young wife. Every evening she cooks the most delicious meals and serves it in candle light and then we have a romantic night.
Cop: So, why are you crying?
Old man: Because, I have forgotten where I live.

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

I just read that in an alternate ending to beauty and the beast the Beast turns ravenous and eats Cogsworth

He was delicious, but the whole process was time consuming.

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

New Diet..

DIET Day 1: Remove all the sweet food from the fridge.
I did that. It was delicious..

Mayonnaise

In 1912, the Titanic sank and everyone still talks about it to this day.
But only weeks after the incident, another ship fell victim to the harsh ocean. This was a large cargo ship that contains various products that were supposed to be delivered to Mexico, among them were sugar, coffee beans, but the bulk of the shipment comprised of mayonnaise. You see, Mexicans love mayonnaise. That's why when it happened on a sad day in May 5th, the whole mexican wept for the fallen sailors and the delicious products they were supposed to enjoy.
Since then, the day of mourning came to be: >!Sinko De Mayo!<

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, what's wrong? The old man responds..

I'm married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed.
So the man, dumbfounded responded, so what's the problem? 😐
The old man responds, I forgot where I live.

Noah's diary : Day 39.

Unicorn pie is delicious!

I'm tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

Photos

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Everyone knows Al Pacino, the famous Hollywood icon.

No one talks about his brother Cap, who invented delicious Italian coffee.

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there's a layer of concrete that wasn't there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.
Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It smells great!
Mama mole, right behind Papa, sniffs and says, Oh wow, the syrups smell delicious!
Baby mole, in the hole behind both Papa and Mama says Yuck! All I can smell are molasses from back here!