Deli Jokes

Following is our collection of supermarket puns and ham one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Deli jokes for adults, dirty pastrami jokes and clean diner dad gags for kids.

The Best Deli Puns

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

(√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)

And it was delicious

Deli joke, (√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)

After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....

...decided not to abbreviate their name

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...

They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .

Deli joke, A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today

Oops... wrong sub

I like my deli meat how I like my women

Thin and shaved

√-1 2^3 ∑ Π

And it was delicious.

√(−1) 8 ∑ π

And it was delicious.

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

Truly delicious tofu recipe:

1) Chuck the tofu.

2) Fry a juicy steak.

I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings.

I'll call it Salvador Deli.

Deli joke, I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings.

Deli meats

I knew a guy who was addicted to deli meats. He just couldn't quit cold turkey.

I got addicted to eating deli meat right out of the refrigerator...

But I decided to quit cold turkey.

I walked in on my son beating his meat

I didn't know he got a job at the deli!

The word is: perpetuate

The question is: How do they charge you at a vietnamese deli?

What do you call a singer who sells meat?

A Deli.

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagels are really delicious! We don't have bagels like this in Germany."

"Well," the intern replies, "whose fault is that?"

TIFU by giving someone the wrong sandwich at a deli

Whoops, wrong sub

What did Adele name her sandwich shop?

A deli

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

Why does the royal family hate deli meats?

Because they're in bread

Everyone mourns our fallen heroes...

But I'm the only one who cried when I dropped my deli sandwich

This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke

Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?

DeliGirl: Genoa salami?

Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

What did the surrealist butcher name his shop?

Salvador Deli

A man went to rehab for being addicted to deli meats

He stopped cold turkey

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they're getting into.

I've been dating this lady who is gluten free...

Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, "do you want to split a sandwich." I say, "sure" and then I'm just left with the bread.

People in India must really enjoy sandwiches.

I heard there were almost 250,000 people in a new deli.

So, there I was buying cheese in a deli.

Me: what would you recommend?

Deli person: *describing cheeses*
Mozzarella is smooth and melts well.

Me: sounds good .

Deli person: cheddar is good for sandwiches if you're looking for a sharp tang.

Me: awesome, noted.

Deli person: Pepper Jack is like Monterey Jack cheese but has delicious pepper chunks in it.

Me: weird flecks, but ok!

Delivering the punchline too early.

You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?

Who delivered the mail back when Jesus was alive?

The apostal service

I had a delivery from Hermes today.

He asked if I could give him the time, so I said it was between 8am-10pm

Trump got a sandwich named after him at his favorite deli.

Commander in Cheese Meltdown.

They put it on the kid's menu.

Two Jewish men sit down at a deli they always visit

They order their meals, receive them, and start eating. After a few minutes the chef looks over and they are disgruntled. He goes over and asks them, So gentlemen, what did we get right this time?

Paraphrased from a joke told to me by my old Jewish professor.

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....

....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

I just delivered an obituary for a woman and her kids told me she would have loved it

It's a shame; she only missed it by 2 days.

I'm addicted to deli meats

The worst part is my therapist keeps recommending cold turkey

What did the DJ order from the deli?

A club sandwich with extra beets.

Good deli related jokes?

I posted last night but it was really late. I got a couple pretty good responses though, but I'm trying again now in hope of a bigger turnout. So if ya got a good joke about a deli or the meats and cheeses sold in them let me know. Cheesier the better, pun completely intended.

How do you deliver a joke to an idiot?

I said, how do you deliver a joke to an idiot?

A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside....

A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside of a deli when a nicely-dressed, affluent young boy walks past them. The Priest looks at the boy and whispers aloud "Wow, I'd love to screw that boy". The rabbi leans over, nodding in agreement and asks "Out of what?".

Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?

Santa Jaws

A friend of mine is so politically correct....

At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.

What do delinquent shapes get up to?


√(-1) 2³ Σ π

and it was delicious.

I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages...

...mangled and missing the most important parts.

What do you call a reptilian deli manager?

A deli-gator!

The deliveryman in the elevator.

A deliveryman whose company has competitors such as FedEx, and who also happened to be born with an extra chromosome, was in an elevator along with one of the residents of the apartment.

The deliveryman was asked: "So, how are you liking your job these days?"

He replied: "Oh, you know, it has its UPS and Down's."

What's the best way to deliver a cheesy joke?

Show up at someone's house with Little Caesar's.

Who delivers presents to the hood?

Crip Cringle.

How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?

It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.

Who's the artist you find in the supermarket?

Salvador Deli

What do you call a person who makes surrealist sandwiches?

Salvador Deli.

What does a delinquent horse want?

A stable home

You're about to deliver a great punchline to a blues-rock legend, but you pause for comedic timing.

Tom Waits.

How do you know a deli is halal?

They sell a *salaam*-i sandwich

What do The Police (the band) order from the deli?




A man walks in to a local deli and sees this sign.

€4 Chicken Sub
€3 Ham Sub
€2 Hand job

A beautiful blond walks up to serve him.

Man- Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?

Beautiful Blonde- Yes I am

Man- Great, would ya mind washing your hands there and get me two ham subs.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

Now I'm stuck at the back of the deli line.

Which delicious dairy snack deserves to form an independent nation of from the territory of three authoritarian nations?

The Cheese Kurds.

Why was the delinquent astronaut sleep deprived all the way to Mars?

He was waiting for night to go to sleep.

I'm flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.

Everyone keeps raving about their new deli...

I had a delicious meal of dog meat

I even wolfed it down!

When pirates visit New York, where do they go for a good pastrami sandwich?

Carrrrrrrrnegie Deli

A new Indian sandwich shop opened up in my neighborhood

I guess you could say it's our New Deli.

Did you hear about the sandwich shop that just opened up in India?

It's a new deli.

Delicious goat.

Mom and Dad invited Aunt Edna over for dinner. Mom was cooking while Dad set the table, and Aunt Edna asked Timmy what they were having for dinner.

"Fish," said Timmy.

"Hmf," said Aunt Edna. "I don't approve of foods that have spent their previous lives immersed in salt. Are you quite sure?"

"Yep." Timmy shrugged. "Dad said to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old trout for dinner.'"

My friend told me he had an addiction to refridgerated deli meats

I told him he needs to quit cold turkey

I had a delicious breakfast. It was a nice flaky pastry filled with dog meat.

I think it was called a Great Danish.

So I accidentally walked out of a deli with someone else's Italian.

Whoops wrong sub.

Donald Trump walks into a deli

and ask "Do you serve pork?". "Yes of course we serve everyone including you!"

Who delivers presents to good little kittens on Christmas day?

Santa Paws

Guy goes into a deli

He looks over the menu:

Ham sandwich: $5
Roast beef sandwich: $7.50
Handjob: $250

He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, "who gives the handjob?"

"I do!" She says with a smile!

"Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich"

There is an abundance of bagels jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes and deli puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any salvador witze you can hear about deli.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes