Deli Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?
It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.
I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings.
I'll call it Salvador Deli.
What did the DJ order from the deli?
A club sandwich with extra beets.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...
... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
Who delivers presents to the hood?
Crip Cringle.
Good deli related jokes?
I posted last night but it was really late. I got a couple pretty good responses though, but I'm trying again now in hope of a bigger turnout. So if ya got a good joke about a deli or the meats and cheeses sold in them let me know. Cheesier the better, pun completely intended.
I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.
I'm trying to quit cold turkey.
What do delinquent shapes get up to?
Shenanigons
Who's the artist you find in the supermarket?
Salvador Deli
Deli meats
I knew a guy who was addicted to deli meats. He just couldn't quit cold turkey.
What did Adele name her sandwich shop?
A deli
You can explore deli meat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean deli vegetables dad jokes. There are also deli puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Kosher Deli
A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.
"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.
The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."
The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"
Delivering the punchline too early.
You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?
I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages...
...mangled and missing the most important parts.
A friend of mine is so politically correct....
At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.
√(-1) 2³ Σ π
and it was delicious.
Dad joke I came up with at work.
I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."
People in India must really enjoy sandwiches.
I heard there were almost 250,000 people in a new deli.
After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....
...decided not to abbreviate their name
TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today
Oops... wrong sub
Everyone mourns our fallen heroes...
But I'm the only one who cried when I dropped my deli sandwich
What do you call a singer who sells meat?
A Deli.
What did the surrealist butcher name his shop?
Salvador Deli
I got addicted to eating deli meat right out of the refrigerator...
But I decided to quit cold turkey.
My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...
They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!
Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?
Santa Jaws
TIFU by giving someone the wrong sandwich at a deli
Whoops, wrong sub
Trump got a sandwich named after him at his favorite deli.
Commander in Cheese Meltdown.
They put it on the kid's menu.
I've been dating this lady who is gluten free...
Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, "do you want to split a sandwich." I say, "sure" and then I'm just left with the bread.
What's the best way to deliver a cheesy joke?
Show up at someone's house with Little Caesar's.
√-1 2^3 ∑ Π
And it was delicious.
Truly delicious tofu recipe:
1) Chuck the tofu.
2) Fry a juicy steak.
The word is: perpetuate
The question is: How do they charge you at a vietnamese deli?
What does a delinquent horse want?
A stable home
A delivery driver asked me what time it was…
I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .
The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...
The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,
"I have to admit, these bagels are really delicious! We don't have bagels like this in Germany."
"Well," the intern replies, "whose fault is that?"
I like my deli meat how I like my women
Thin and s**...
(√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)
And it was delicious
Which delicious dairy snack deserves to form an independent nation of from the territory of three authoritarian nations?
The Cheese Kurds.
I just delivered an obituary for a woman and her kids told me she would have loved it
It's a shame; she only missed it by 2 days.
What do you call a reptilian deli manager?
A deli-gator!
Two Jewish men sit down at a deli they always visit
They order their meals, receive them, and start eating. After a few minutes the chef looks over and they are disgruntled. He goes over and asks them, So gentlemen, what did we get right this time?
Paraphrased from a joke told to me by my old Jewish professor.
With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.
Because there is no delivery.
You're about to deliver a great punchline to a blues-rock legend, but you pause for comedic timing.
Tom Waits.
How do you deliver a joke to an idiot?
I said, how do you deliver a joke to an idiot?
A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside....
A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside of a deli when a nicely-dressed, affluent young boy walks past them. The Priest looks at the boy and whispers aloud "Wow, I'd love to screw that boy". The rabbi leans over, nodding in agreement and asks "Out of what?".
A man went to rehab for being addicted to deli meats
He stopped cold turkey
If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....
....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.
Why does the royal family hate deli meats?
Because they're in bread
I had a delivery from Hermes today.
He asked if I could give him the time, so I said it was between 8am-10pm
James Bond orders a sandwich
James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.
The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"
Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."
√(−1) 8 ∑ π
And it was delicious.
Who delivered the mail back when Jesus was alive?
The apostal service
I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.
I just want the ladies to know what they're getting into.
I'm addicted to deli meats
The worst part is my therapist keeps recommending cold turkey
So, there I was buying cheese in a deli.
Me: what would you recommend?
Deli person: *describing cheeses*
Mozzarella is smooth and melts well.
Me: sounds good .
Deli person: cheddar is good for sandwiches if you're looking for a sharp tang.
Me: awesome, noted.
Deli person: Pepper Jack is like Monterey Jack cheese but has delicious pepper chunks in it.
Me: weird flecks, but ok!
A man walks in to a local deli and sees this sign.
€4 Chicken Sub
€3 Ham Sub
€2 h**...
A beautiful blond walks up to serve him.
Man- Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?
Beautiful Blonde- Yes I am
Man- Great, would ya mind washing your hands there and get me two ham subs.
This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke
Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?
DeliGirl: Genoa salami?
Me: Yeah, I know a couple.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
Now I'm stuck at the back of the deli line.
I had a delicious meal of dog meat
I even wolfed it down!
The deliveryman in the elevator.
A deliveryman whose company has competitors such as FedEx, and who also happened to be born with an extra chromosome, was in an elevator along with one of the residents of the apartment.
The deliveryman was asked: "So, how are you liking your job these days?"
He replied: "Oh, you know, it has its UPS and Down's."
I walked in on my son beating his meat
I didn't know he got a job at the deli!
I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..
..turns out he fired her too.
What is both delicious and moist?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A lie!
A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.
They're trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pears.
I don't get toilet roll there anymore.
A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.
As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.
On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the guy behind the counter, "Zis is voonderbar! Zey do not have food like zis vere I am from."
In a heavy Brooklyn accent the guy behind the counter replies, "Now whose fault is that?"
How do you deliver gym equipment to Hogwarts?
Through the dumbbell door.
On my cake day, I went to the Doctor and was told that my love of deli meats was going to kill me.
I had to quit cold turkey.
So, I delivered a baby today...
Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.
I'm joking, of course.
I work for UPS.
A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.
I told her we only take cash or card.
I was delivering a parcel. I walked up to the front door and knocked, before noticing a sign.
"If not in, leave with neighbours."
I tried one more time and nobody answered, so I walked to their neighbour's front door.
A young couple answered. I said, "Get in the van, I've been told to take you with me."
A man wants to buy some meat at his local Deli
A man walks in to Simpsons Deli and asks the butcher, "Do you have any deals going on right now?"
The butcher replies, "Sure we do! You can get 20 Chicken b**... for $40, a full cow for $500, or half the meat for $499!"
The man scratches head in confusion and gets angry at the butcher for having ludicrous pricing, "How come a full cow is $500, and for half the meat it's a dollar less, who would ever do that!"
The butcher replies, "Well it's quite simple, don't halve a cow, man!"
I finally stopped eating deli meats...
yep, I quit cold turkey!
I used to have an addiction to slicing deli meat
I finally had to quit cold turkey
I went to buy some cheese at the deli today but they said only sell European cheeses
I said that's Gouda-nough for me.
The guys at the Delhi Deli pressured me into having a BLT on Indian bread instead of rye.
Now I like such a naan conformist.
A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"
Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"
What do you call it when you linger too often at a Tibetan sandwich shop?
A daily dilli-dallie at the Dalai Deli.
I'll show myself out now.
What's a business name that could work with a barber shop, a taxidermist, and a deli?
Cuts 'n Stuff
What question should you never ask in a Jewish Deli?
What's the Challah cost?
I said to the woman at the deli, I'd like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles. She replied, Sorry..."
"We only take cash or card.
