Degree Jokes

What are some Degree jokes?

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

It's 80 degrees in San Francisco today.

Girls are wearing skirts so short you can almost see their dicks.


The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

Scotland's Independence

David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know

Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree?

The University of Minnesoda

When a mathematics student graduates

do they get a degree, or a radian?

What's more useless than a Gender Studies degree?

the feminist holding it

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.

Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.

I don't have a job but at least I know why.

How will we truly reach gender equality?

By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.

What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an English degree?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...

...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks:

"do you want fries with that?"

Hillary Clinton is in the hospital...

She is being treated for third degree Berns.

How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?

If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling

"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"

"7," I replied.

A blind man walks into a gay bar.

He walks up to the lesbian bartender and says "hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bartender says "Let me tell you a few things since you're blind, I am a blonde bartender who keeps a shotgun under the table. The bouncer is a 6ft blonde with a 4th degree black belt in judo. The woman beside you is a blonde biker with the local gang. The owner of this bar is a blonde army veteran who did four tours in Iraq. Now do you really want to tell that joke here?". The blind man thinks for a second and says "Naaahh, not if i have to explain it four times."

A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...

She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.

Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.

Lady: Oh, You must be an engineer.

Man: Yes! How did you know?

Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is, I'm still lost.

Engineer: I see, then you must be in Upper Management.

Lady: Yes! How did you know?

Engineer: You don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!

How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree murder?

He left fresh prints all over the scene.

I was waiting for the green light at the crossing and saw an old woman walking with a little child...

The excited child was walking bit faster towards the crossing than the old lady. She then shouted, "Degree, wait for me!"
I was so amazed to hear such an unusual name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; "Ma, why do u call your grand child Degree?" The woman laughed and said "I sent her mother to University for education and this is what she brought home instead."

What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

A homeless man is sitting in a bar

After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.

Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"

The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology and a French Minor. I think it's my felon status that prevents me from getting a job"

Intrigued, the young lady asks, "What landed you in jail?"

Taking a sip from his drink, the homeless man answers "The French minor."

Jerry is that you?

said Tom.

Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"

Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"

Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting. I love it, wouldn't give it up for the world! How bout you? You end up finishing your degree?"

Tom - "Yep, Software Engineering. I make a pretty comfortable living and it's rewarding work. I can't believe it, it's been so long. It was great catching up with you."

Jerry - "It was, it was. Just one last question."

Tom - "Shoot."

Jerry - "Would you like fries or onion rings with your burger?"

Tom - "Fries."

I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree...

I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked,
"What did you teach" ?

I've decided to put off my gender transition surgery until after I've gotten my linguistics degree

I'm a trans later

Why was the 89 degree angle not trusted

He's never right

Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.

Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.

Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.

Speed lacks Direction.

I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake

But the tooth hurts.


A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?

The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back

I have a degree in Liberal Arts

Do you want fries with that?

What does a bowl of spaghetti and a degree from Phoenix online both have in common?

If it ends up on your wall you're probably retarded.

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

Change your course

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: Change your course 10 degree east.
The light signals back: Change yours, 10 degrees west.
Angry, the captain sends: I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!
I'm a seaman, second class, comes the reply. Change your course, sir.
Now the captain is furious. I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!
There is one last reply. I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting

I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.

Why shouldn't you argue with a 90 degree angle?

It's always right.

My son's arts and crafts class isn't graded.

I'm glad they teach kids how worthless a liberal-arts degree is at such a young age.

I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Maths" I replied.

"O.k then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Trump's next speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with him... What is 2+2 ?"

"767.37" I replied,

I'm sick of numbers defining who I am.

* My GPA
* My weight
* My 1st degree murder convictions
* My grades
* My SAT scores

These things are not who I am.

My fisherman friend got his Master's degree.

Now he's a Master Baiter.

As anyone with a journalism degree will tell you...

The fact Superman got a job with a newspaper at the end is the strangest thing to happen in that movie.

Why did the oven go back to University?

To get another degree.


My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.

Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle?

Because its very complementary!

My friend claims he has a degree in blacksmithing...

... But everything he makes is forged.


I was waiting for a green light when I saw an elderly woman walking with a small child.

The excited young girl was walking slightly faster than the old lady, so the woman yelled, Degree! Wait for me!

Intrigued by such a unique name, I got out of the car and asked why she called the girl Degree.

She said, Well, I sent her mother to college to get an education, and she came home with this instead.

Credit to u/Princess_Kookie

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college!"

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college! How are you?"

"I'm doing well, I got that philosophy degree."


"Thanks. Hey, do you want fries with that?

'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.

The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.

1. Go to seminary.

2. Get degree.
3. ???
4. Prophet.

There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator

Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.
Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that?
Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.

Why shouldn't you get too many degrees?

You'll become obtuse

A man with amazing sideburns

A man has amazing side burns and decides that he wants to go to college for sideburn grooming. He dedicates his whole life to this purpose, getting his bachelor's, master's, and doctorate's degrees after many years. In other words, he has third degree burns.

"Actually, I'll have you know I have a degree in liberal arts"

"That's great ma'am, but I ordered fries with my meal"

Girl, are you an ITT Tech degree?

Because you're worthless.

What's the difference from when you've just started school, to when you've completed a philosophy degree?

When you just start school you know nothing about anything. But when you complete a philosophy degree you know everything about nothing.

A girl brings her fiance home to meet her father..

... and the father asks him, "so what are your plans in life." The suitor responds, "well, I'm interested in pursuing a degree in theology." The father then asks, "well, what do you plan to do for a living with only a theology degree?" The suitor, without a missed beat responds with "well, god will provide." The father then asks, "where will you two live?!" Again, the suitor responds with, "god will surely provide." Finally the father asks him, "have you made any long term plans at all?" He replies, "no, but as I've stated, I'm sure god will provide." The dinner eventually concludes, and both the daughter and the suitor leave her parents house. When a moment of quiet catches the mother, she softly asks her husband what he thought of the suitor. He pauses for a second, and replies -- "well, he's broke, and fairly stupid, but on the other hand he thinks I'm god."

An Irish Thanksgiving.!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

When she screams "deeper!"...

...but you already have a degree in philosophy.

A blind cowboy walks into a bar...

...and after ordering his drink, asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Well, I don't mind sir, but I must warn you that there are three rather dangerous blondes in this bar tonight.

The first one over by the pool table just got released from prison for 2nd degree murder. The second in the corner there is the leader of the local gang. And the last one sitting just next to you is a professional boxer.

So I must ask, are you really sure you want to tell this blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a moment, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, I don't wanna have to explain it three times."

College Degree

Forget everything you've learned in college, you wont need it here.

I didn't go to college.

Oh sorry you're not qualified for the job

Is it a good idea to have multiple PhDs?

To a certain degree.

What do you call a dinosaur with an English degree?


Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

How to make Degree puns?

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