Hilarious Fun Define Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What's the difference between a Gardener and an electrician?
Ask them to define the word bulb .
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Socrates on jokes...
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....
A student goes up to his professor after class...
A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed n**... with a gorgeous n**... g**... the right of you, and a n**... gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"
A bad math joke I came up with
A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.
[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)
"Complete" or "Finished"?
**Here's your English lesson for the day!**
**"Complete" or "Finished"?**
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
Mr. Balgobin's response: When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing.
I call it portmantuition.
I can't define "pattern matching"
...but I know it when I see it.
"Complete" versus "finished"
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, it was addressed this way:
When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'
Define the lecturer
Teacher to Student: Can you define the lecturer?
Student: A lecturer is person who has bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping.
My professor asked me to define narcissism
I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."
You can explore define classify reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean define lecturer dad jokes. There are also define puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Define rapture
The event when all chairs in the office went missing.
What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?
"Define intervention."
Came up with this today at work.
The job interviewer asked me to define turnover.
I said, "That's what I do before I go to sleep."
One day, at Webster Dictionary's Word Assignment Briefing...
"Nichols," Mr. Lipney, lead word assigner, said, "I'm trusting you to define plethora for next year's edition."
"Thanks Mr. Lipney," Nichols responds, beaming. "It means a lot!"
If I had to define the word "controlling"...
I'd make sure I got my boyfriend's approval of the definition first.
Define t**...
Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I believe
as a society, it is our dictionaries that define us.
So what if I can't define armageddon
It's not like it's the end of the world!
Define true love...
Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
How do you define a bad breakup?
With respect to x.
Once in a lifetime opportunityβ¦
Unknown: Define once in a lifetime opportunity.
Unknown: A mosquito, landing on your wife's face.
I'm dyslexic, but that doesn't define me.
Dyslexics are teople p**....
In three words, how would I define myself?
By eating less.
Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy!
There once was a young man who wanted to become a great writer...
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?
Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.
How do you define someone who only speaks English?
American.
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.
The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.
The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.
The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. When he's done, he says "I define myself to be the outsideο»Ώ.
Ask Siri to define mother when she asks if you want to hear the next one, say yes.
I've been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can't clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.
I don't pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.
Doctor: are you active s**...?
Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.
Doctor: I'll write v**....
A very young girl asked her mother to define couple....
And her mother responded: "well, like two or three" and then proceeds to ponder why her marriage didn't last
Define Homophobic
having or showing a dislike of or prejudice against homophones and homonyms
My English teacher asked to define money .
I responded something you don't have .
I present to you the first bad joke of 2019.
How does a physicist define a woman?
A hormonic oscillator.
The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.
-Abraham Lincoln, 1933
Baby you make me wish I was good at calculus.
Cauz they ain't no limit to how much I want to define the area under your curves.
Yo mama so fat
Calculus still ain't been able to define the area under her curves
Define: Politics
(poli) many (tics) blood-s**... insects
How do you define political correctness?
Carefully.
Bra Sazes
Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Well its time you became informed!
(A) Almost b**....
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Double Dang!
(E) Enormous!
(F) Fake.
(G) Get a Reduction.
(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!
"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"
Ok. BTW what's my last name?
"Scissorhands"
What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?
What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?
No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.
When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished'
Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.
Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?
Why is it hard to define feminism?
It's a broad topic.
How do you tell the difference between a math teacher and an English teacher?
Ask them to define hyperbolic .
Q: How do you define duodenum?
A: It's where s**... starts to get real.
