Defense Jokes

132 defense jokes and hilarious defense puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about defense that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a lighthearted break from the serious topics of court proceedings, homocide cases, and defense mechanisms? Read our funny collection of defense-related jokes sure to put a smile on your face. We've got jokes about defense contractors, self defense classes, bad football defenses, defense attorneys, defense lawyers and more! Get ready to laugh!

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Funniest Defense Short Jokes

Short defense jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The defense humour may include short guard jokes also.

  1. PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask. CDC studies have shown they provide no defense
  2. I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life.
  3. The Defense pleads 'Not Guilty by reason of insanity' and loses They go to appeal and plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' again, expecting a different result.
    They win the appeal.
  4. I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James. Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.
  5. My insurance agent asked if I had ever hit a deer. I told him that I had but in my defense he swung first.
  6. Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
  7. I want to find a hobby where I can get in peoples way, complain for equality but ignore the law, and get all defensive if anyone attacks my hobby. Hey, check out my new road bike!!
  8. I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense... It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!
  9. What's the difference between karate and judo?
    karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of.
  10. Use these four words correctly in a sentence: deduct, defense, defeat, and detail. Deduct jumped over defense, defeat before detail

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Defense One Liners

Which defense one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with defense? I can suggest the ones about combat and protect.

  1. Why don't cats make good burglars? They can't get past the laser defenses
  2. My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.
  3. I lost 15 pounds But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.
  4. I did a self defense course I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion
  5. Why was the banana a good prosecutor? She always made the defense slip up on appeal.
  6. I became ill after taking self-defense classes... I think I caught Kung Flu.
  7. No offense against anyone.... But at least my defense is top tier.
  8. Killed some ants in my house today In my defense, they were breaking and antering.
  9. Why was the Jewish man so defensive about his beer? Because Hebrewed it.
  10. How does a Shelf defend itself? They learn Shelf-Defense.
  11. what is the most common syndrome among tower defense players? Tourettes
  12. A missile wasn't fired... But someone in civil defense sure will be.
  13. Ignorance of the law is not a valid defense… unless you're the president
  14. How do you get past defense? You open degate.
  15. Author Unknown "A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense."

Self Defense Jokes

Here is a list of funny self defense jokes and even better self defense puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo? One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.
  • Self checkout. Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!
  • Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
  • What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense? Jew Jitsu
  • What self-defense class would Jesus take? Jew-Jitsu
  • I'm writing an English to Spanish self defense book. It's called " No means no."
  • What do you call a lawyer with a black belt in karate? A self defense attorney!
  • For self-defense, I bring a baby along with me wherever I go. Who would attack a man who would hit them with a baby?
  • A police officer walks into a bar. He shoots it and claims self defense.
  • For self-defense growing up, Eminem developed his own fighting style. It's known today as... Marshall Arts.

Defense Lawyer Jokes

Here is a list of funny defense lawyer jokes and even better defense lawyer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A criminal defense lawyer says "Don't talk" to his clients regarding interactions with law enforcement, except to his deaf-mute clients, to whom he says "Don't sign anything."
  • They say a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client Which worked out pretty good because that was going to be my defense.
  • Why are defense lawyers the best lovers? Because they're great at getting you off.
  • I'm taking a course in self defense. I can't afford a trial lawyer.
  • How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead h**...? I use them both to get off.
Defense joke, How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead h**...?

Defense Attorney Jokes

Here is a list of funny defense attorney jokes and even better defense attorney puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As a defense attorney for ED malpractice suits, I had a terrific strategy. . . but it didn't stand up in court.
  • Rudy Giuliani is such a bad defense attorney that..... He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted.

    Or you could say,

    He would have gotten Brock Turner jail time.
  • One of my patients took me to Sioux City Now Iowa defense attorney a lot of money.
  • What do Defense Attorneys and s**... Workers have in common? They both are paid to get people off.
  • criminal defense attorneys are like w**... Their only job is to get you off...
  • I won my first case as a defense attorney. My client was mute and accused of m**.... His testimony proved to be a sufficient grunt for dismissal.
  • What is a defense attorney's favorite k**...? Getting off on a technicality.

Defense Mechanism Jokes

Here is a list of funny defense mechanism jokes and even better defense mechanism puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do bees and me have in common? Both of us become suicidal as a defense mechanism
Defense joke, What do bees and me have in common?

Silly Defense Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about defense you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make defense pranks.

One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...

One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."

So George W. Bush is in his office..

when his secretary of defense walks in, "we lost 2 Brazilians in Iraq today."
GW puts his head in his hands looks up very sullen and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

What does the Swiss defense have in common with their favorite food?

They're both full of holes.

George Bush was receiving his daily report from his Defense Secretary.

During the report, the secretary said; And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. George suddenly went pale, put his head in his hands and began to sweat profusely.
His staff was astounded. They had never seen the president react like this to such a small loss. Then, after he had recovered slightly, the president brought his head up and quietly asked the aide next to him, "Just how many in a brazilian?"

I ran over a kid in a John Cena shirt

but in my defense, i couldn't see him

I got pulled over drunk driving last night...

In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

Steelers defense, last night.

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

When a dog is in "Heat", that means it wants s**....

Well, that's my defense for court tomorrow anyway...

Brainless Lawyers

In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

He got crossed.

Tonight, I watched someone ruin over 20 years of sobriety. It was a shitshow.

But, in her defense, you only turn 21 once.

Mexican self defense

A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.
Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.
Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.
At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices
Mexican: Judono
Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?
Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...

One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher.

Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.
"Nick," said the teacher, "make a sentence with the words 'defeat,' 'defense,' 'deduct,' and 'detail.'"
Nick thought for a few minutes then smiled. He shouted, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!"

What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?

well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings

Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space

Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Come up with one sentence that uses, "defeat," "deduct," "defense," and "detail."

Easy. Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.

Little Timmy wasn't the most gifted student in the class.

One day his teacher asked him to write a paragraph using the following words:
This is what Timmy wrote -- The horse jumped over defense. First defeat. Then detail.

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of m**...?

She claimed she had locomotives.
(I'm sorry.)

Bill Cosby's defense rested after 6 minutes into the trial.

I guess they drank his Kool-Aid.

Lame Riddle

Use these four words in a sentence:
defeat, deduct, defense, detail
answer in comments

Why couldnt the guy hold a conversation with the female transgender marine biologist?

They didn't agree on a lot of things, but a big part of it was he didn't speak whale.
Note: In my defense I don't discriminate except by how I know a person. I have friends on all sides of the NFL hype, s**... rights hype, and abortion debate. But this joke gets laughs among them all.

Quaker home defense

one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled
"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"

A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.

The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

Do you think Bill Cosby used "Kids say the darndest things" at any point in his defense?

The title is the whole joke. It's probably been said in one way shape or form but I think it's funny.

Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

I took my grandma to fish spa. Everyone freaked out!

But in my defense, it's more affordable than cremation.

Did you hear Professor Lupin is using boggarts in his Defense Against the Dark Arts class?

It's a bit riddikulus if you ask me.

I cannot believe all the people being charged with s**... abusing minors. Can't the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can't they use those in self defense?

I felt pretty bad about breaking up with my girlfriend in a text

But I felt even worse watching her read it.
In my defense, what kind of woman checks her phone during her sister's wedding service?

The guy that bullied me in high school still takes my lunch money.

In his defense though, he does make an excellent sub.

Why did Oscar Pistorius lose his m**... trial?

Because his defense didn't have a leg to stand on

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye.

In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry...

In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

The Secretary of Defense sits in the Oval Office briefing Bush on Iraq...

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

When a dog is on heat, it means it wants s**....

That's my defense.

The secretary of defense is telling the president a joke

Secretary: Knock Knock
President: Who's there?
Secretary: 9/11
President: 9/11 who?
Secretary: You said you would never forget
Sorry if it's a repost. I haven't seen it on here yet.

The Chiefs' defense isn't doing well against the Patriots' offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

How do you say "Insanity defense" in Spanish?


"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he's got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client... you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a m**... trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:
"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"
The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

I was started dating a girl that had a twin and I ended up making out with her twin.

In my defense, he was really hot.

The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.

He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.
He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.
After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you would value 4 brazilian lives so much"
Trump responded "Just tell me, how many million is a Brazilian?"

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.

I walked into my gf..

..having s**... with her gym trainer
I told her this isnt working out.
In her defense, she said it was her cheat day.

Police are asking the public to be on the look out for a homicidal chiropractor.

The Chief reports that the best line of defense is to watch your back.

There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks.

Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

What's the difference between a h**... and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein

As part of his infrastructure plan, President Biden will be creating a new department to work with the Department of Defense

It will be called the Department of Degate

The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.

Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.

Read the whole thing, it's worth it

A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in s**...
The hospital in their defense stated all we did was correct his eyesight

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

My friends are furious at me for taking off my pants.

In my defense, the invitation specifically said GENDER REVEAL PARTY...


In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I slept with her identical twin

In my defense, he looked exactly like her.

A martial arts expert is arrested for m**....

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.
'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.
'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.
'No, thank you', the martial arts expert replies again, 'I can do it by myself. After all I am a self defence expert'.

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property
Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?
Neighbor: yes.
Judge: **Guilty**

A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their s**... lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."
Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lead you to besmirch these good people's reputations?"
The man shrugged and responded, "Islander."
(this just came to me)

My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.
The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind brother so that's why it bothered her. One day I got a call, and found out that she got in a car accident and lost her sight.
After that she just stopped seeing me.

Defense joke, My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

jokes about defense