The Best 66 Defense Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Defense jokes. There are some defense attack jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these defense interesting defense puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Defense Jokes and Puns
What's the difference between karate and judo?
Karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of.
I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense...
It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."
A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.
The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."
So George W. Bush is in his office..
when his secretary of defense walks in, "we lost 2 Brazilians in Iraq today."
GW puts his head in his hands looks up very sullen and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"
What does the Swiss defense have in common with their favorite food?
They're both full of holes.
Use these four words correctly in a sentence: deduct, defense, defeat, and detail.
Deduct jumped over defense, defeat before detail
George Bush was receiving his daily report from his Defense Secretary.
During the report, the secretary said; And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. George suddenly went pale, put his head in his hands and began to sweat profusely.
His staff was astounded. They had never seen the president react like this to such a small loss. Then, after he had recovered slightly, the president brought his head up and quietly asked the aide next to him, "Just how many in a brazilian?"
What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?
One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.
I ran over a kid in a John Cena shirt
but in my defense, i couldn't see him
I did a self defense course
I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion
You can explore defense defensive reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean defense perjury dad jokes. There are also defense puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
When a dog is in "Heat", that means it wants sex.
Well, that's my defense for court tomorrow anyway...
Brainless Lawyers
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?
He got crossed.
Tonight, I watched someone ruin over 20 years of sobriety. It was a shitshow.
But, in her defense, you only turn 21 once.
Mexican self defense
A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.
Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.
Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.
At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices
Mexican: Judono
Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?
Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...
One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher.
Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.
"Nick," said the teacher, "make a sentence with the words 'defeat,' 'defense,' 'deduct,' and 'detail.'"
Nick thought for a few minutes then smiled. He shouted, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!"
Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space
Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.
Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
Come up with one sentence that uses, "defeat," "deduct," "defense," and "detail."
Easy. Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.
Little Timmy wasn't the most gifted student in the class.
One day his teacher asked him to write a paragraph using the following words:
Defense
Defeat
Detail
This is what Timmy wrote -- The horse jumped over defense. First defeat. Then detail.
During a custody battle...
A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?
How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?
She claimed she had locomotives.
(I'm sorry.)
Why was the banana a good prosecutor?
She always made the defense slip up on appeal.
Quaker home defense
one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled
"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"
A missile wasn't fired...
But someone in civil defense sure will be.
A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.
The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
No offense against anyone....
But at least my defense is top tier.
Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?
The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.
I took my grandma to fish spa. Everyone freaked out!
But in my defense, it's more affordable than cremation.
Did you hear Professor Lupin is using boggarts in his Defense Against the Dark Arts class?
It's a bit riddikulus if you ask me.
I felt pretty bad about breaking up with my girlfriend in a text
But I felt even worse watching her read it.
In my defense, what kind of woman checks her phone during her sister's wedding service?
Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye.
In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry...
In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.
When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.
That's my defense.
The Chiefs' defense isn't doing well against the Patriots' offense...
Reminds me of colonial times.
My girlfriend and I play this game...
where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"
A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he's got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...
...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:
"Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"
The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
I lost 15 pounds
But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.
The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.
He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.
He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.
After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you would value 4 brazilian lives so much"
Trump responded "Just tell me, how many million is a Brazilian?"
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
I walked into my gf..
..having sex with her gym trainer
I told her this isnt working out.
In her defense, she said it was her cheat day.
Police are asking the public to be on the look out for a homicidal chiropractor.
The Chief reports that the best line of defense is to watch your back.
There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks.
Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.
PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.
CDC studies have shown they provide no defense
What's the difference between a hooker and an actress?
I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein
As part of his infrastructure plan, President Biden will be creating a new department to work with the Department of Defense
It will be called the Department of Degate
The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.
Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.
Read the whole thing, it's worth it
A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in sex
The hospital in their defense stated all we did was correct his eyesight
What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?
Es Cargo.
My friends are furious at me for taking off my pants.
In my defense, the invitation specifically said GENDER REVEAL PARTY...
Defense!
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I slept with her identical twin
In my defense, he looked exactly like her.
A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.
When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.
'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.
'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.
'No, thank you', the martial arts expert replies again, 'I can do it by myself. After all I am a self defence expert'.
A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard
Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property
Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?
Neighbor: yes.
Judge: **Guilty**
Killed some ants in my house today
In my defense, they were breaking and antering.
A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives
The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."
Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lead you to besmirch these good people's reputations?"
The man shrugged and responded, "Islander."
(this just came to me)
Self checkout.
Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!
What do Defense Attorneys and Sex Workers have in common?
They both are paid to get people off.
My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes
Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.
The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind brother so that's why it bothered her. One day I got a call, and found out that she got in a car accident and lost her sight.
After that she just stopped seeing me.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.
Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.
what is the most common syndrome among tower defense players?
Tourettes
Poland just ordered 6,000 septic tanks
The defense minister is reported to have said "Once our soldiers learn how to drive them, our enemies will be in deep shit."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the defense defence jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working defense prosecutor piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.