Defendant Jokes
65 defendant jokes and hilarious defendant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about defendant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Defendant Short Jokes
Short defendant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The defendant humour may include short defence jokes also.
- What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians? Ukrainians defend their Capitol.
- When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy? They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.
- Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly.
- I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court. The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.
- Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial? They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.
- I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for. At least 4 or 5.
- What's the difference between Ted Cruz's wife and an insurrection? Ted Cruz would never defend his wife.
- My day in court I was defending myself in court and the judge said
"have you ever been up before me?"
I replied "I don't know what time you get up" - I hated the girls at my school They used to hit me with a ruler.. Slap me in the face. Basically did everything they could just to defend themselves.
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Defendant One Liners
Which defendant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with defendant? I can suggest the ones about defect and deficiency.
- How many french soldiers does it take to defend Paris? I don't know, it's never been done
- Why is America bad at League of Legends? Because we can't defend tower
- What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
Defend net neutrality. - What did Eminem learn to defend himself? Marshall arts.
- I'm willing to defend Dave Chappelle. If you ask me, I think he's a real stand up guy.
- What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
- You'd better help defend net neutrality, or you'll pay for it later!
- You are what you eat Cannibal defends himself against identity theft charges
- How does a Shelf defend itself? They learn Shelf-Defense.
- I like defending myself in court. So sue me.
- What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law? A defendANT
- How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish? He admitted his kilt.
- What do you say to the Movie Producer? Will the defendant please rise.
- I was addicted to not defending myself against nuns. But I finally kicked the habit.
- On the night of his betrayal, how did Jesus defend himself? Jew-Jitsu
Defendant Guilty Jokes
Here is a list of funny defendant guilty jokes and even better defendant guilty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?" Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"
- The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn't talking to you, said the judge. I didn't say a word, said the third.
Happy Defendant Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about defendant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean defense attorney jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make defendant pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into work one morning...
A man walks into work one morning with a n**... black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.
"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."
"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"
"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."
French Jokes
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.
In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.
The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?
A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.
My friend got jury duty
So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.
Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
It was Christmas day.....
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Teacher : Do you know the reason Manchester United lost to arsenal ?
Student : Manchester United lost because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind
A man is sitting in the dock at court.
The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".
When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called
Defendant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... are admiring their firearms.
One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!
Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.
An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.
He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?
They can't defend towers.
What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?
It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many French do you need to defend France?
Nobody knows, no one has tried.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got arrested for m**... in public and declined a public defender.
I don't think I'll have a problem getting myself off.
How much English can you speak
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
Teacher came to Jack's desk
-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.
-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.
-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...
Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?
Cruella: w**...? You are supposed to defend me!
Lawyer: Relax. I'm playing de Vil's advocate.
The first mate on a ship rarely drinks
The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last night". He complained to the captain saying that it was very rare. The captain defended his entry saying that it was the truth, wasn't it? The next day the captain opened the ship's log, and the first mate had written, "The captain was able to stay sober last night."
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
I got banned from the local swimming pool today
They banned me for "peeing in the pool".
I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board
During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".
The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."
Stealing guitars
Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?
Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.
Trial
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
