defendant Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious defendant puns

I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.

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Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?

They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.

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A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

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My friend got jury duty

So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.

Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.

Note: This is an original joke. Any suggestions on how I can clean it up a bit, make it a little punchier?

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A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!

Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.

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It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

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The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

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A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

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A lying neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

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You bastard

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

You bastard! yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer, says the judge.

Bastard! the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, says the man. But I've been this bastard's neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

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Racist joke NSFW: What do you say to a black man in a suit?

"Will the defendant please rise"

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When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called

Defendant.

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Neighbor

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit?

The defendant.

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A Man In Court

A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Fuck all," says the defendant.

The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?"

"He said 'fuck all' your honour."

The judge replies "are you sure, I could have sworn I saw his lips move!"

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Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)


For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

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Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn't happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: Where do you work?

Defendant: Here and there.

Judge: What do you do for 
a living?

Defendant: This and that.

Judge: Take him away.

Defendant: Wait; when will I get out?

Judge: Sooner or later.

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A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"

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Judge: You stand before me accused of being a duvet. How do you plead?

Defendant: Not quilty.

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What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

A defendANT

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What do you say to the Movie Producer?

Will the defendant please rise.

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What do you call a frat guy in a suit?

A defendant

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*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*

Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"

Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"

Judge: "Guilty"

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Birthday

The Judge asks the defendant, When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?  
-
February 20th, Your Honor.
-
And what year?
-
Every year, Your Honor"

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Did you hear about the defendant with a litigation fettish?

He got off on a technicality

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A defendant showed his small penis to the court to prove that he's innocent of rape

The judge decided that it wouldn't stand up

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You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

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A man is on trial for armed robbery...

The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Awesome! he shouts. Does that mean I get to keep the money?

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A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.

The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"

The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."

The judge has a puzzled look on his face.

Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."

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What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The defendant.

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Before a trial in a Death penalty case the judge asks the jury 1 question:

Judge: If the evidence warrants it, would any of you take issue with giving the death penalty to the defendant?

(Juror stands)

Juror: The prison is in Huntsville your honour?

Judge: Yes.

Juror: Well that's a pretty far drive for me & I work all week so I can only do it on a Saturday if that's alright with you.

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A man is murdered in a dessert factory.

The defendant is clearly guilty, but the investigators struggle to find the murder weapon to properly incriminate him. Where could it possibly have been hidden? The lead investigator is at a loss, when one day he suddenly jumps from his desk as it comes to him.
The proof is in the pudding!

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A blind judge conducted a trial..

And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant.
he couldn't see the truth.

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What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?

I've been framed.

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What are the most funny Defendant jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Defendant? Well, here are the best Defendant dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Defendant pick up lines to share with friends.

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