Happy Defendant Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.
The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?
A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.
My friend got jury duty
So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.
Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
It was Christmas day.....
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.
The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"
The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."
The judge has a puzzled look on his face.
Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."
What do you call a frat guy in a suit?
A defendant
A man is sitting in the dock at court.
The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
A blind judge conducted a trial..
And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant.
he couldn't see the truth.
What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?
I've been framed.
You can explore defendant plaintiff reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean defendant jury dad jokes. There are also defendant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Judge: You stand before me accused of being a duvet. How do you plead?
Defendant: Not quilty.
What does a room full of White People say to the one black man.
We the jury find the Defendant.
You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?
– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!
Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?
They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.
When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called
Defendant.
What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit?
The defendant.
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!
Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.
Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn't happy with
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: Where do you work?
Defendant: Here and there.
Judge: What do you do for
a living?
Defendant: This and that.
Judge: Take him away.
Defendant: Wait; when will I get out?
Judge: Sooner or later.
So the judge says to the defendant: "Your m**... trial has to be post-poned because we don't have enough jurors yet"
to which he replied, "Ah, guess I have a few more hours to kill..."
*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*
Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"
Before a trial in a Death penalty case the judge asks the jury 1 question:
Judge: If the evidence warrants it, would any of you take issue with giving the death penalty to the defendant?
(Juror stands)
Juror: The prison is in Huntsville your honour?
Judge: Yes.
Juror: Well that's a pretty far drive for me & I work all week so I can only do it on a Saturday if that's alright with you.
Birthday
The Judge asks the defendant, When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?
-
February 20th, Your Honor.
-
And what year?
-
Every year, Your Honor"
Did you hear the one about the criminal defendant with a lawyer f**...?
He got off on a technicality.
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"
Lawyer to a man in hallway - Are you a witness, victim or defendant?
Man - I'm the guy who did it.
What do you call a defendant who won't testify at their own trial?
An inmate.
A man is murdered in a dessert factory.
The defendant is clearly guilty, but the investigators struggle to find the m**... weapon to properly incriminate him. Where could it possibly have been hidden? The lead investigator is at a loss, when one day he suddenly jumps from his desk as it comes to him.
The proof is in the pudding!
What do you say to the Movie Producer?
Will the defendant please rise.
Did you hear about the defendant with a litigation fettish?
He got off on a technicality
What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?
A defendANT
A man is on trial for armed robbery...
The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his t**... and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Awesome! he shouts. Does that mean I get to keep the money?
A man is on trial for m**....
The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.
The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on the apple peel and falls right on top of my knife."
The judge inquires: " And all this happened 16 times?"
Did you hear the judge's recent linguistic faux pas, when they were addressing a recently convicted defendant?
I Order you to serve 2 years incarcerated, 2 years active probation, 1 year of passive probation, 400 hours of community service, evidence of completion of an education service approved by the court, submit to a mental health evaluation..., etc., etc..
Yeah, it was a run-on sentence.
Happy early 4th of July everyone
And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury
Take him down
In an English courtroom ....
Judge: before I pass sentence have you anything you wish to say?
Defendant: F**k all
Judge to clerk of court: What did he say!
Clerk to Judge: F**k all m'lud
Judge to clerk: He did you know, I saw his lips move.
How much English can you speak
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"
Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"
Teamster jokes
Why is there a horse on the Teamster logo?
It's the only animal that sleeps standing up.
What do Teamster's kide do at the playground do?
Sit on folding chairs and watch other kids play.
What do you call a Teamster in a 3 piece suit?
Defendant
Two teamsters are standing around. Suddenly on of them crushes a snail under is his boot.
The other one asks "why did you do that"?
"that son of a b**... has been following me around all day"
Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer?
Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.
I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.
Milton, I asked, puzzled, how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?
I was in prison, he answered. You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.
That's not possible, I said. I wasn't even a judge then.
No, you weren't the judge, the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. You were my lawyer.
How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish?
He admitted his kilt.
Innocent
Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it? He was acquitted.
During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".
The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."
Stealing guitars
Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?
Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.
Trial
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
