Defend Jokes
72 defend jokes and hilarious defend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about defend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Defend Short Jokes
Short defend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The defend humour may include short defence jokes also.
- What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians? Ukrainians defend their Capitol.
- When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy? They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.
- Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly.
- I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court. The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.
- Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial? They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.
- I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for. At least 4 or 5.
- What's the difference between Ted Cruz's wife and an insurrection? Ted Cruz would never defend his wife.
- My day in court I was defending myself in court and the judge said
"have you ever been up before me?"
I replied "I don't know what time you get up" - I hated the girls at my school They used to hit me with a ruler.. Slap me in the face. Basically did everything they could just to defend themselves.
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Defend One Liners
Which defend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with defend? I can suggest the ones about definite and defeat.
- How many french soldiers does it take to defend Paris? I don't know, it's never been done
- Why is America bad at League of Legends? Because we can't defend tower
- What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
Defend net neutrality. - What did Eminem learn to defend himself? Marshall arts.
- I'm willing to defend Dave Chappelle. If you ask me, I think he's a real stand up guy.
- What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
- You'd better help defend net neutrality, or you'll pay for it later!
- You are what you eat Cannibal defends himself against identity theft charges
- How does a Shelf defend itself? They learn Shelf-Defense.
- I like defending myself in court. So sue me.
- What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law? A defendANT
- How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish? He admitted his kilt.
- What do you say to the Movie Producer? Will the defendant please rise.
- I was addicted to not defending myself against nuns. But I finally kicked the habit.
- On the night of his betrayal, how did Jesus defend himself? Jew-Jitsu
Great Defend Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about defend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean maintain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make defend pranks.
French Jokes
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.
In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,
"Photons matter!"
Why did the Ancient Greeks build their fortresses on columns?
To defend against rows!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to get rid of ants.
Go to Home Depot or Wall-mart and buy a can of black spray paint. Any brand works great.
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.
How do you defend your breath mints?
Tic-Tactically.
What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?
I've been framed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's not right to make fun of the French
It's not like theey can defend themselves anyway.
The defendant is accused of putting a stick of dynamite into a steer.
Abombinabull.
It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community
Not even the mimes are talking
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... are admiring their firearms.
One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
If Trump becomes president, I would really like to see how Republicans are going to defend him for doing the same thing Obama did:
Nothing.
The defendant is accused of feeding a steer dynamite...
A bomb in a bull.
The Wall Street Journal tried to defend against Pewdiepie's fanbase once ...
Now they're called "The Street Journal"
Earth now has a two Trump rule.
You can't play a Trump card unless you can reasonably defend two questions without completely damaging your credibility.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since the French joke went over so well
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend the city of Paris??
No one knows, it's never been tried.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of h**... Malone
It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
You are being attacked by a gang of clowns, how do you defend yourself?
You go for the juggler
(Stole it from some guy in my office)
How do gamers defend themselves?
With LAN Mines.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?
They can't defend towers.
What do divorce lawyers practice to defend themselves?
Marital Arts.
What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?
It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.
If I had a dollar for every time I saw the net neutrality image...
I would have enough money to get a new phone to call my local representative to defend net neutrality.
How do Jewish citizens defend themselves?
Jew Jitsu
I don't get why everybody is hating on Dom Capers
It's not like he's able to defend himself
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I cannot believe all the people being charged with s**... abusing minors. Can't the minors defend themselves?
After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can't they use those in self defense?
How did the Panda defend his honor without a weapon?
He used his bear hands.
A black work colleague of mine accused me of making subtle racist comments to him.
I had to defend myself and said woah, now hold on a cotton picking minute
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many French do you need to defend France?
Nobody knows, no one has tried.
What would you do if a bear attacks your wife?
Nothing. The bear attacked her himself, now he needs to defend by himself.
How did the defendant with ED's court date turn out, despite the #MeToo movement's most strenuous efforts to convict him?
Pretty well actually; they lacked any real solid evidence against him.
If John Wick were a liberal, he would answer to the question "Do we need weapons in schools so our kids can defend themselves" with "No"
"We need more pencils."
— Defendant, explain yourself, why did you rob the bank?
— Hey hey hey, he started it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I may not agree with what you say, but I shall defend to my death your right to say it"
Said the liberal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can't defend the towers
As a handicapped person, I'll always defend my parking spot
The time I've let other people run over me is past
I will never forget a quote by Mark Zuckerberg that is often misattributed to Voltaire:
While I disapprove of what you say, I will defend to the death my right to make money off of it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you want to hear a joke about the Israeli army?
A general asks a young soldier, what will you do if you see 20 soldiers coming to attack you? The soldier says that I would take an u**... and shoot them.
The general asks him what if a tank is coming to kill you? I would take a rocket launcher and defend myself replied the young soldier.
The general asks him what if you see tanks, terrorists and planes together?
The soldier says, general, am I the only one in the army?
Did you hear Matt Gaetz hired Rudy Giuliani to defend him from the child trafficking charges?
Mr. Giuliani couldn't be reached for comment since he is currently waiting at traffic court.
Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You might be a r**.......
....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?
Cruella: w**...? You are supposed to defend me!
Lawyer: Relax. I'm playing de Vil's advocate.
