Defend Jokes

Following is our collection of protector puns and preserve one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Defend jokes for adults, dirty citizens jokes and clean defenseless dad gags for kids.

The Best Defend Puns

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can't defend the towers

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don't know, it's never been done

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms.

One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.

How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.


Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers.

They defend the ships much more eagerly.

French Jokes

Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.

Why is America bad at League of Legends?

Because we can't defend towers

What's worse than no nut November?

No net December.
Defend net neutrality.

Why are americans bad at DotA ?

Because they cant defend their towers.

Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?

They can't defend towers.


How many French do you need to defend France?

Nobody knows, no one has tried.

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

No one knows. They've never tried.

What did Eminem learn to defend himself?

Marshall arts.

I hated the girls at my school

They used to hit me with a ruler.. Slap me in the face. Basically did everything they could just to defend themselves.

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?

It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

How do the French defend a city?

We don't know, they've never tried it.

You'd better help defend net neutrality,

or you'll pay for it later!


In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,

a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."

-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.

Why are marines who can't swim better?

They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.

How many men does it take to defend France?

They don't know either , They never tried

I like defending myself in court.

So sue me.

Do you want to hear a joke about the Israeli army?

A general asks a young soldier, what will you do if you see 20 soldiers coming to attack you? The soldier says that I would take an Uzi and shoot them.

The general asks him what if a tank is coming to kill you? I would take a rocket launcher and defend myself replied the young soldier.

The general asks him what if you see tanks, terrorists and planes together?
The soldier says, general, am I the only one in the army?

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

Why don't Polish people like playing American football?

They can't defend against a blitz.

On the night of his betrayal, how did Jesus defend himself?

Jew-Jitsu

A cop pulls a car over for speeding...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding.

The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."

The cop replies, "Ever go fishing?"

"Yeah."

"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community

Not even the mimes are talking

While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,

"Photons matter!"

As a handicapped person, I'll always defend my parking spot

The time I've let other people run over me is past

I cannot believe all the people being charged with sexually abusing minors. Can't the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can't they use those in self defense?

How did the Panda defend his honor without a weapon?

He used his bear hands.

Since the French joke went over so well

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend the city of Paris??


No one knows, it's never been tried.

If Trump becomes president, I would really like to see how Republicans are going to defend him for doing the same thing Obama did:

Nothing.

how many Frenchmen does it take to properly defend Frances borders?

No idea, No ones ever tried.

Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard?

They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.

It's not right to make fun of the French

It's not like theey can defend themselves anyway.

I will never forget a quote by Mark Zuckerberg that is often misattributed to Voltaire:

While I disapprove of what you say, I will defend to the death my right to make money off of it

What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?

I've been framed.

A black work colleague of mine accused me of making subtle racist comments to him.

I had to defend myself and said woah, now hold on a cotton picking minute

I don't get why everybody is hating on Dom Capers

It's not like he's able to defend himself

What do divorce lawyers practice to defend themselves?

Marital Arts.

Why do americans suck at mobas?

They can't defend their towers.

You are being attacked by a gang of clowns, how do you defend yourself?

You go for the juggler

(Stole it from some guy in my office)

How to get rid of ants.

Go to Home Depot or Wall-mart and buy a can of black spray paint. Any brand works great.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.

Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

What would you do if a bear attacks your wife?

Nothing. The bear attacked her himself, now he needs to defend by himself.

How do gamers defend themselves?

With LAN Mines.

Earth now has a two Trump rule.

You can't play a Trump card unless you can reasonably defend two questions without completely damaging your credibility.

There is an abundance of protective jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 49 funniest jokes and defend puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any defensive witze you can hear about defend.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes