Defence Jokes
46 defence jokes and hilarious defence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about defence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of jokes covering the full range of defence topics, from self defence to Liverpool's title defence and even offensive defence. Enjoy the laughs with a judge, counsel and more as we explore the hilarious side of infidelity.
Funniest Defence Short Jokes
Short defence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The defence humour may include short defensive jokes also.
- My wife left me According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.
In my defence, she's in a wheelchair. - My teacher asked me to make a sentence using the words; defence, defeat and detail, i said.... When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first then detail...
- I recently completed a self defence course I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.
- My girlfriend told me I spend too much time playing fantasy football But, in my defence, I have Andy Robertson, John Stones and Kyle Walker
- My girlfriend is always complaining that I don't buy her flowers. In my defence I didn't even know she sold flowers.
- I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks.
- Why can't you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it's In defence of bull!
- I've just got back from my new French self defence class I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.
- Why do programmers hate designing flood defence simulations? Because of the overflow errors!
- My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves
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Defence One Liners
Which defence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with defence? I can suggest the ones about defend and defendant guilty.
- My wife says I never buy her flowers In my defence, I never knew she sold flowers
- What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts? Defence against the Dark Thoughts.
- I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence... In life, you should take risks.
- Why couldn't the dotard afford a wall? Because he spent all his money on defence.
( - What do you call the removal of a fence? Defence
- I don't own any assault rifles Just defence rifles
- Have you heard about the handicapped football league The offence and defence don't play
- What should Syria get for its air defence system? A refund.
- a cop asks a driver he pulled over "So, anything to pay in your defence?"
- I often cry after s**.... But in my defence, I use a pretty big onion.
Self Defence Jokes
Here is a list of funny self defence jokes and even better self defence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the prisoner who escaped after dismantling his cell? They say it was self defence.
- I went to a self defence class last night and the instructor told me to "take him by surprise and attack him". So when I saw him in Walmart the next day I threw a can of beans at his head.
- I'm still tired after my first French self defence class....... I've never run so much in my whole life.
- until now, i have only killed one man, and it was in self defence ...it's not my fault his defence was lousy
- I'm so tired after my first French self-defence lesson... ... I've never run so far in my life.
Hilarious Defence Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about defence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deficiency jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make defence pranks.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
What's the difference between an actress and a h**....
That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.
High command asked a new recruit:
"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"
Today I m**... 8 times! A personal record for me...
In my defence Schindler's list was a long film
Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...
Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.
The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.
After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand and hesitantly spoke:
"Well... de horse jumped over de fence and de feet got tangled in de tail..."
Three russian prisoners are talking in their cell.
"What are you here for?"
"Last month I said that minister of defence Shoigu was a traitor! And you?"
"Last week I said that minister of defence of defence Shoigu wasn't a traitor!"
The two prisoners then turn to the third one, who was so far quietly sitting in the corner.
"And what are you here for?"
"I am Shoigu!"
A martial arts expert is arrested for m**....
When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.
'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.
'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.
'No, thank you', the martial arts expert replies again, 'I can do it by myself. After all I am a self defence expert'.
The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".
In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".
How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?
Hedgehogs...
I don't know why hedgehogs think that rolling into a ball is a good defence mechanism.
I wasn't going to kick it before.
An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar.
An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar. The professor says to the Dubliner "If you can put the words defeat, defence and detail into one sentence I will buy you the finest beer you could ever ask for" so the Dub replies "De horse jumped ova da fence da feat came first and da tail came last"
What's the difference between a punch bag and my ex-wife?
"That's not a very good defence OJ"
Brazil have started playing 'Rock & Roll football'
They play with a rock solid defence, midfield and attack, and have Neymar rolling around on the ground.
I had to go to the head teacher for not doing any work in class
She said:
"What did you do this time?"
In my defence I replied:
"I swear I didn't do anything"
I got caught making out with my cousin once - mum and dad went mental.
In my defence we were just kids, and there was an awful lot of alcohol at her f**....
Why do so many countries need a minister of defence?
I guess they have a lot of fences that require removal.
