Defence Jokes

Following is our collection of infidelity puns and defend one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Defence jokes for adults, dirty courtroom jokes and clean dani dad gags for kids.

The Best Defence Puns

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me...

In my defence Schindler's list was a long film

I often cry after sex.

But in my defence, I use a pretty big onion.


I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

My girlfriend is always complaining that I don't buy her flowers.

In my defence I didn't even know she sold flowers.

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football

In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves

Hedgehogs...

I don't know why hedgehogs think that rolling into a ball is a good defence mechanism.

I wasn't going to kick it before.

Why couldn't the dotard afford a wall?

Because he spent all his money on defence.

(


I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

What do you call the removal of a fence?

Defence

Why do programmers hate designing flood defence simulations?

Because of the overflow errors!

I had to go to the head teacher for not doing any work in class

She said:
"What did you do this time?"
In my defence I replied:
"I swear I didn't do anything"

What's the difference between a punch bag and my ex-wife?

"That's not a very good defence OJ"

Why do so many countries need a minister of defence?

I guess they have a lot of fences that require removal.

Brazil have started playing 'Rock & Roll football'

They play with a rock solid defence, midfield and attack, and have Neymar rolling around on the ground.

I got caught making out with my cousin once - mum and dad went mental.

In my defence we were just kids, and there was an awful lot of alcohol at her funeral.


An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar.

An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar. The professor says to the Dubliner "If you can put the words defeat, defence and detail into one sentence I will buy you the finest beer you could ever ask for" so the Dub replies "De horse jumped ova da fence da feat came first and da tail came last"

I don't own any assault rifles

Just defence rifles

I went to a self defence class last night and the instructor told me to "take him by surprise and attack him".

So when I saw him in Walmart the next day I threw a can of beans at his head.

Have you heard about the handicapped football league

The offence and defence don't play

US army to Osama : What do you want to say in your defence ?

US army to Osama : What do you want to say in your defence ?

Osama : I am not guilty for 9/11, Pilot was inexperienced.

Did you hear about the prisoner who escaped after dismantling his cell?

They say it was self defence.

What's the only thing in the world that falls apart faster than Ikea furniture ?

Sweden's defence against England

until now, i have only killed one man, and it was in self defence

...it's not my fault his defence was lousy

I'm still tired after my first French self defence class.......

I've never run so much in my whole life.

My wife is divorcing me because I'm obsessed with Football coaching.

In my defence, I have J.J.Watt, Michael Bennett, and Richard Sherman.

What is the one thing Jose Mourinho and Donald Trump will always agree on?

Spending lots of money on their defence.

Ben Carson

If elected President, what will Dr. Ben Carson's first executive action be?

Nominate Donald Trump as as a candidate for Secretary of "De-Fence"

I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.

I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.
I'm now confused...

There is an abundance of honour jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 32 funniest jokes and defence puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any trial witze you can hear about defence.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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