The Best 36 Defence Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Defence jokes. There are some defence defend jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these defence dani puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Defence Jokes and Puns

I often cry after sex.

But in my defence, I use a pretty big onion.

What do you call the removal of a fence?


An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar.

An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar. The professor says to the Dubliner "If you can put the words defeat, defence and detail into one sentence I will buy you the finest beer you could ever ask for" so the Dub replies "De horse jumped ova da fence da feat came first and da tail came last"


I don't know why hedgehogs think that rolling into a ball is a good defence mechanism.

I wasn't going to kick it before.

jokes about defence

Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me...

In my defence Schindler's list was a long film

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football

In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves

My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

Defence joke, My wife left me

Why do programmers hate designing flood defence simulations?

Because of the overflow errors!

Why do so many countries need a minister of defence?

I guess they have a lot of fences that require removal.

I went to a self defence class last night and the instructor told me to "take him by surprise and attack him".

So when I saw him in Walmart the next day I threw a can of beans at his head.

Have you heard about the handicapped football league

The offence and defence don't play

You can explore defence infidelity reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean defence courtroom dad jokes. There are also defence puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I got caught making out with my cousin once - mum and dad went mental.

In my defence we were just kids, and there was an awful lot of alcohol at her funeral.

Why couldn't the dotard afford a wall?

Because he spent all his money on defence.


What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

My girlfriend is always complaining that I don't buy her flowers.

In my defence I didn't even know she sold flowers.

Defence joke, My girlfriend is always complaining that I don't buy her flowers.

I had to go to the head teacher for not doing any work in class

She said:
"What did you do this time?"
In my defence I replied:
"I swear I didn't do anything"

Brazil have started playing 'Rock & Roll football'

They play with a rock solid defence, midfield and attack, and have Neymar rolling around on the ground.

What's the difference between a punch bag and my ex-wife?

"That's not a very good defence OJ"

I don't own any assault rifles

Just defence rifles

What is the one thing Jose Mourinho and Donald Trump will always agree on?

Spending lots of money on their defence.

What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

Did you hear about the prisoner who escaped after dismantling his cell?

They say it was self defence.

I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit.

Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks.

Defence joke, I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally

Why can't you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow?

Because it's In defence of bull!

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts expert replies again, 'I can do it by myself. After all I am a self defence expert'.

My girlfriend told me I spend too much time playing fantasy football

But, in my defence, I have Andy Robertson, John Stones and Kyle Walker

Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...

Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.

The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.

After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand and hesitantly spoke:

"Well... de horse jumped over de fence and de feet got tangled in de tail..."

My wife says I never buy her flowers

In my defence, I never knew she sold flowers

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

My teacher asked me to make a sentence using the words; defence, defeat and detail, i said....

When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first then detail...

Three russian prisoners are talking in their cell.

"What are you here for?"

"Last month I said that minister of defence Shoigu was a traitor! And you?"

"Last week I said that minister of defence of defence Shoigu wasn't a traitor!"

The two prisoners then turn to the third one, who was so far quietly sitting in the corner.

"And what are you here for?"

"I am Shoigu!"

I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence...

In life, you should take risks.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the defence honour puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working defence trial piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes