Gather Around for Heartwarming Deeply Jokes and Uplifting Humor
Deep Love
no matter how deeply you love someone, you cannot express it more than six inches deep
s**...' and 'Love' ....;)
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
The description is hilarious!
The title is deeply misinformed.
My attempt at a s**... math joke
A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is m**.... After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."
What do you get when you cross a female tyrannosaur with a male tyrannosaur?
Tyrannosaurus s**...!
*I apologize deeply, I'm so...so sorry*
Yo mamma is so fat...
we're all deeply concerned about her health.
What do you call a mass transit system that also cares deeply about humanitarian work?
A Bonorail.
Three blondes are in an elevator
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
Darth Vader...
Of all the things that Darth Vader lost when the Death Star blew up, it was the destruction of his George Michael box set that affected him most deeply.
He finds his lack of Faith disturbing.
A lady is giving birth in the hospital...
A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".
You can explore deeply heavily reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean deeply slightly dad jokes. There are also deeply puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'
A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"
The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car c**...."
___
*Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*
A deeply in love boy says to his girlfriend ...
"I might not be rich, nor have any money or expensive apartments, and even not be the owner of many companies like my friend Jack, but i love you, and i always will"
She, hugging him tight and already crying answered :
" If you really love me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please ? "
Northernlion's birth
When NL was being born, the doctor grabbed him, but NL was so slippery that the doctor dropped him to the floor. To the doctor's and his mother's surprise, NL did not cry. Instead, he sighed deeply and said:
"Dumb damage"
A man walks into a psychologist's office
The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."
Noah and the Two Snakes.
Noah, after settling his ship down and letting loose the animals aboard his Ark unto the world, noticed a pair of snakes that were left behind.
"Well, what are you guys still doing here?" Asked Noah.
"Remember how you said 'go forth and multiply' ?" One of the snakes replied.
"Yes..." Noah responded, looking deeply confused.
"We can't, we're adders."
If thinking deeply in the shower is called a showerthought
And thinking deeply on the toilet a shitthought, what would you call thinking deeply while driving?
An accident.
A sad day indeed
About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.
As my son tried to sneak in the house late last night
I shouted: "Come in here boy, let me smell your fingers."
"I tell you every time Dad, I don't smoke" he said, "I've been over the park with my girlfriend."
"I know, son" I replied, sniffing deeply, "I know."
What do you call a Jamaican guy exhaling deeply?
Simon.
I was deeply upset when my wife walked out.
I thought the fire had got her.
A gamer and a girl gamer were deeply in love, but they just couldn't find another
They were not on the same level.
The creator of Mad Libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
What can you tell, when a man gazes deeply into your eyes at the end of a date
If at the end of the date, the man is gazing deeply into your eyes, it tells you one thing; you are flat chested
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Bruce. The dwarf."
How does Darth Vader know what he's getting for Christmas?
He feels his presents
(This is my only Christmas joke and I am deeply ashamed of that)
A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...
"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
Donald Trump is taking questions from journalists on his last day in office.
One journalist asks him, "President Trump, do you have a final thing to say to the American people as our president?"
Trump then looks into the camera, bows deeply, and yells, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"
2 psychiatrists have just made love in a long deeply passionate session when....
One says to the other, "that was good for you. How was it for me?"
If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...
Youd be deeply impressed
How many Dutchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Usually one, tulips are not planted that deeply in the ground.
Prince Phillip has finally apologised to the c**... victim saying he's deeply sorry...
Only took him 21 years
Coinkidink does not imply causalidink
That's all I've got, but 2 long island iced teas me thinks that is deeply, utterly hilarious. Back me up..?
Jack was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that she had a good news and a bad news.
Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."
Husband in bed.
Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my b**... sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!
Husband: Well, at least your eyesight is okay!
A critic reads what the local newspapers say about him
The papers say that everything he says seems to contradict itself. Baffled and deeply offended by this, the critic loudly proclaimed:
"My rage is indescribable!"
A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.
"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".
My wife is a deeply religious cook...
Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.
A non-Muslim guy and a Muslim woman are deeply in love
Guy converts to Islam and marries her.
Law says guy has to study Islam too.
Guy goes to a one-week Islamic c**... course.
Guy finds out something new and says to his wife:
"Baby, guess who can have four wives now?"
Blood donor
I was chatting with a donor before I drew his blood, and he was a dentist. When I drew his blood, there was a little squirt of blood and it surprised him. I looked him deeply in the eyes and told him, you're bleeding because you don't floss
A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.
A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.
A man walks into the Irish bar
The barman says:
-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.
-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man
-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar with both of his front pockets full of golf b**... & sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him & his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf b**...".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Grandma and the Bible.
Every time a little boy went to a playmate's house, he found the friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.
Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much? he asked.
I'm not sure, said his friend, but I think she's cramming for her finals.
A great tragedy befalls the USSR
At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
But the investigation teams discovers something interesting, three of the dead had gun shot wound to their heads.
"What happened here, we thought this was a poisoning?"
"It was, but these three refused to eat their soup."
Every time Frank went to his friend's house, he found his friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible.
Why does your grandmother reads the Bible so much? Frank asked his friend.
*"She's cramming for her finals. *
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant...
A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant. As their order arrives, the wife looks around and notices every table has a couple having a romantic candlelight dinner date.
The man on the table to her right says to his date, "pass me the sugar, my sweet Sugar"
The man on the table to her left says to his date, "pass me the honey, my sweet Honey"
She asks her husband, "Look at all these men, why aren't you romantic with me like this?"
The husband looks her deeply into her eyes and says with his most romantic voice,
"Pass me the pork, my fat pig"
I have a joke about commitment
Steve was deeply committed to playing golf. Ever day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. After several years went by, Steve was still playing golf. As he was about to putt the ball in the hole. He notice a f**... procession going by. He then took off his hat and gave a moment of silence for the procession.
His friend that he was golfing with was amazed at him and said, "Wow that was really respectful"
"Well I should be respectful", Steve replied. "I was married to her for over thirty years."
Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did.
He shouldn't beat himself up over it.
As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . .
. . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.
Money
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ? "
The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike. "sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you. "
The end is near
Every time a little boy went to his friend's house, he found the that his grandmother was always deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.
Why does your grandmother read the Bible so much? he asked.
I don't know, said his friend, but I think she's cramming for her finals.
