Deep Jokes

148 deep jokes and hilarious deep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

They might not be funniest jokes out there, but these deep jokes are guaranteed to make you think. From sad deep to neck deep, and everything in between, discover the abyss of wit and wisdom that can only be found after you have dug deep into the tangled web of deep jokes and thoughts. So grab your shovel and get ready to laugh and learn with these deep fellers.

Quick Jump To

Short Deep Jokes
Deep One Liners
Going Deep Jokes
Deep Voice Jokes
Deep Thought Jokes
Deep Sea Jokes
So Deep Jokes
More Deep Jokes

Funniest Deep Short Jokes

Short deep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deep humour may include short profound jokes also.

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.
My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..." I know he means well...
My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water" I know he means well...
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too
My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it. I know she means well.
Deep. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability. I'm well aware
What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes? it means that you are flat chested.

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Deep One Liners

Which deep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deep? I can suggest the ones about dense and dark.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig. It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under? A: Because deep down they're really good people.
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South? Because they don't like integration.
I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean A dell must be rolling in the deep
An opinion without 3.14 Is just an onion...
DEEP
Why do they bury police officers 6ft under. Because deep down they are good people.
Why are lawyers always buried 15 feet deep?
Because deep down they're good people.
Deep sleep prevents aging. Especially when you are driving.
Is my Thai girlfriend a trap? Something deep inside me says yes
How do you find changelings on board Deep Space Nine? With an Odometer.
Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy! It's a pizza cake!
What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress? A Tempura-Pedic
I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan, crisp and even.

Going Deep Jokes

Here is a list of funny going deep jokes and even better going deep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food? The battered women's shelter
Why do hunters make good lovers? 1. They always go deep in the bush.
2. They shoot often.
3. They always eat what they shoot.
My friend told me to go die in a deep hole filled with water I know he means well
Why do Hunters make the best lovers? They go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot at.
My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent he's going through withdrawls
After my fourth failed relationship, my friend tells me 'keep your head up, these girls come and go, but you'll find someone for you', but deep down i know... Girls don't just come and go... I do.
I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web... Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!
Why did the left leg refuse to go on a date with the right leg? Because its beauty was only shin deep.
Deep freeze prevents things go bad And my mother in law definitely showed signs of going bad, officer.
It was a logical thing to do.
Scientists recently found a type of gut bacteria that can survive in deep space... They're now going to use them in a mission to colonize Mars.

Deep Voice Jokes

Here is a list of funny deep voice jokes and even better deep voice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are in first day of kindergarten. Optimus (in his deep voice) : Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What's your name?
Teacher : Be silent!!!!!
Bumblebee : umleee
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (In a deep, intimidating voice)
Because 7 is bigger
Did you know that Germans are homophobic? Well if you tell them to do something and they don't do it, then in a deep, authoritative voice just scream GAY!! and they'll do it every time.
Why did Thor's brother always sing with a deep voice? Because he was Low-Key.
How to make a woman laugh. You look her deep in the eyes and with the deepest voice you can do you tell her.
#HERE I'M IN CHARGE. YOU HEARD THAT?#
Mom, am I ugly? "Of course not, honey. You have everything a man wants, a deep voice, broad shoulders, f**... hair..."

Deep Thought Jokes

Here is a list of funny deep thought jokes and even better deep thought puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I hope that if I ever get rich I won't be mean to poor people Like I am now
(Dark, I know, but one of my favorite deep thoughts)
So I was walking down the street, when suddenly it hit me... I guess I was too deep in thought to notice that bus coming.
I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helping
Cr
A man stand in front of a mirror deep in his thoughts... He's reflecting
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep, and crisp, and even.
Terrible. But hadn't seen this in a while. Thought I'd bring it back for 2020.
Naughty Limerick There was once a man of great fame,
Who thought every beast he could tame.
But deep in his soul,
The man was a troll,
And that's how you just lost the game.
I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious. Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.
What do you do with a philosophy major? Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
A Poem I dug.
Alice dug.
Vincent dug.
Dad dug.
My sister dug.
I know its not a good poem, but it rhymes and its really deep.
(A friend just texted me this. I thought it was funny.)
Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... ...that way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Deep Sea Jokes

Here is a list of funny deep sea jokes and even better deep sea puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving. That's a new low.
Why do deep sea fish do drugs? Because the pressure is too high.
It would be hard work being a deep-sea diver they're under a lot of pressure.
I threw my laptop into the sea last week... It's a dell, rolling in the deep
I found out that sponges grow in the sea today. It kills me, just think how deep it would be if they didn't.
What do you call Jack Sparrow after he falls off The Black Pearl and sinks down to the sea bed? Johnny Deep.
A group of deep-sea explorers died after 100 hours of overworking. The pressure was too much.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving! This is a new low...
I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are... But just think of all the pressure they're under!
I've plunged into the Dead Sea and couldn't get out I fell into a deep depression.

So Deep Jokes

Here is a list of funny so deep jokes and even better so deep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I wrote a poem. I dig.
You dig.
She digs.
He digs.
They dig.
We dig.
Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church..... They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It might not be a beautiful poem but it's very deep.
My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water I know she means well.
Why do they bury politicians under 6 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're good people.
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're really good people
Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep? Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

Deep joke, Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Deep Jokes

What funny jokes about deep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean depth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deep pranks.

Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A cop knocks on a man's front door late one night

and he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. "Sure," he says, a bit puzzled. The man produces a picture from his wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer takes one look and takes a long, deep breath.
With difficulty, he looks the man in the eyes and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife's been hit by a truck."
The man replies, "I know, but she's got a great personality and she can really cook."

Running from a bear...

A hiker surprises a large Grizzly in the woods. The Bruin gives chase and as the man crashed blindly through the brush, he suddenly finds himself standing on a precipice overlooking a deep canyon. The bear is nearly upon him when the man in desperation shouts to the heavens, "Lord, give this bear some religion!" At that moment the bear drops to his knees in earnest prayer, "Our heavenly Father, Thank you for this meal I'm about to receive..."

Deep Thoughts

Do you think that, when two police officers are having s**..., they appreciate the fact that they are copulating?

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

two men are driving down the country road when....

...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has s**... with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.

Let me tell you a little poem.

I dig
You dig
He digs
We dig
And so do they

Not a great poem, but it's very deep.

I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

Blondes and Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".

Last Names.

It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.

Special h**...

Getting a h**... from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...
You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...

A joke about Germans - I´m German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it

Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
A: Because deep down they are really nice.

I just heard a beautiful poem...

"I dig, you dig, we
dig, he dig, she dig,
they dig, we all dig."
I'll admit it's not a very *beautiful* poem, but it sure is deep.

You dig ,I dig, she dig, he dig, we dig, they dig.

It's not a great poem but it's very deep.

The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

I asked a group of women if they found r**... jokes funny. They all said "no!"

But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."

The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole

The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep.
He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound.
He throws in a big stick; still no sound
He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing
Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed.
The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?"
"Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole"
"That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"

Camped

Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.

My ex broke up with me

My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away.

Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space

Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.

A blind man walks into a bar

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you m**...!"

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

wrong answer

A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried," says the guy.
"So?" asks the bartender.
And the guy says, "Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer she was expecting."

A kid falls into a well.

After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"
"Yes, please help me!"
"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"
"I'm 14 and this is deep!"

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.
They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.
"Sir, do you know this woman?"
"Yes it's my wife"
(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."
The man replied, "Yeah, I know... but she's a wonderful cook!"

A teenager got s**... in well.

He calls 911.
Boy: 911?
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Boy: I'm stuck in a well.
Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?
Boy: im14andthisisdeep.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,
Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!
So Biden slapped him.

A man tells his Rabbi: "I have a deep desire to live forever. What should I do?"

Rabbi: "Go and get married"
Man: "That's it? How will that allow me to live forever?"
Rabbi: "It won't, but your desire will go away."

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts Free shots for the bar! On that man over there! And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can't see.
The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouring the shot and says:
I have had quite a few beers tonight and I need to work tomorrow. I don't want to be hungover. How strong is the liquor?
Bartender: It's 100 proof.
Anti-vaxxer: That's too much proof for me. I'll skip the shot.

two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r... w... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.

So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'

An American a Russian and an Indian meet in a Bar.

They start boasting about their countries.
The American said "We dug deep and found thick wires. So we had a telegraph system in the past too!"
The Russian said " That's nothing. We dug deep and found thin wires. That means we already had phones in the past!"
Then the Indian says "We dug deep and found nothing!"
So the other two started laughing and said "what's there to boast about?"
The Indian said "That means we always had wireless!"

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months

Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.
The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.
The Italian said: we dug very deep and didn't find any wires. This proves that my ancestors invented wifi communication.

I told the architect that the pool should be 6 feet deep

But he was working in metric and just couldn't fathom it