Deep Jokes
144 deep jokes and hilarious deep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
They might not be funniest jokes out there, but these deep jokes are guaranteed to make you think. From sad deep to neck deep, and everything in between, discover the abyss of wit and wisdom that can only be found after you have dug deep into the tangled web of deep jokes and thoughts. So grab your shovel and get ready to laugh and learn with these deep fellers.
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Funniest Deep Short Jokes
Short deep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deep humour may include short profound jokes also.
- I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.
- Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too
- Deep. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track. - Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
- I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability. I'm well aware
- What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes? it means that you are flat chested.
- I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
- At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
- I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.
- Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep? Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.
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Deep One Liners
Which deep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deep? I can suggest the ones about dense and dark.
- Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under? A: Because deep down they're really good people.
- Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South? Because they don't like integration.
- I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean A dell must be rolling in the deep
- An opinion without 3.14 Is just an onion...
DEEP - Why do they bury police officers 6ft under. Because deep down they are good people.
- Deep sleep prevents aging. Especially when you are driving.
- Is my Thai girlfriend a trap? Something deep inside me says yes
- How do you find changelings on board Deep Space Nine? With an Odometer.
- Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy! It's a pizza cake!
- What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress? A Tempura-Pedic
- I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them
- How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan, crisp and even.
- Deep down... ...I knew scuba diving wasn't for me.
- Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food? The battered women's shelter
- What do you call a snarky Russian king in a deep sinkhole? A tsarchasm
Going Deep Jokes
Here is a list of funny going deep jokes and even better going deep puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do hunters make good lovers? 1. They always go deep in the bush.
2. They shoot often.
3. They always eat what they shoot. - My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent he's going through withdrawls
- After my fourth failed relationship, my friend tells me 'keep your head up, these girls come and go, but you'll find someone for you', but deep down i know... Girls don't just come and go... I do.
- I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web... Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!
- Why did the left leg refuse to go on a date with the right leg? Because its beauty was only shin deep.
- Deep freeze prevents things go bad And my mother in law definitely showed signs of going bad, officer.
It was a logical thing to do. - Scientists recently found a type of gut bacteria that can survive in deep space... They're now going to use them in a mission to colonize Mars.
- How far into the ocean will Roadrunner go? Knee deep.
- There's a song called «How deep is your love?» The answer is another song's name – «As deep as the knife will go»
- I'm going to the Kentucky men's basketball game vs Grand Canyon tonight I'm pretty worried, I hear Grand Canyon's really deep.
Deep Voice Jokes
Here is a list of funny deep voice jokes and even better deep voice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are in first day of kindergarten. Optimus (in his deep voice) : Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What's your name?
Teacher : Be silent!!!!!
Bumblebee : umleee - Why did Thor's brother always sing with a deep voice? Because he was Low-Key.
- How to make a woman laugh. You look her deep in the eyes and with the deepest voice you can do you tell her.
#HERE I'M IN CHARGE. YOU HEARD THAT?#
Deep Thought Jokes
Here is a list of funny deep thought jokes and even better deep thought puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hope that if I ever get rich I won't be mean to poor people Like I am now
(Dark, I know, but one of my favorite deep thoughts) - So I was walking down the street, when suddenly it hit me... I guess I was too deep in thought to notice that bus coming.
- I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helping
Cr - A man stand in front of a mirror deep in his thoughts... He's reflecting
- Naughty Limerick There was once a man of great fame,
Who thought every beast he could tame.
But deep in his soul,
The man was a troll,
And that's how you just lost the game. - I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious. Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.
- What do you do with a philosophy major? Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
- A Poem I dug.
Alice dug.
Vincent dug.
Dad dug.
My sister dug.
I know its not a good poem, but it rhymes and its really deep.
(A friend just texted me this. I thought it was funny.) - I thought about making a Joke about Marina's Trench But that would be too deep
Deep Sea Jokes
Here is a list of funny deep sea jokes and even better deep sea puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving. That's a new low.
- Why do deep sea fish do drugs? Because the pressure is too high.
- It would be hard work being a deep-sea diver they're under a lot of pressure.
- I threw my laptop into the sea last week... It's a dell, rolling in the deep
- I found out that sponges grow in the sea today. It kills me, just think how deep it would be if they didn't.
- What do you call Jack Sparrow after he falls off The Black Pearl and sinks down to the sea bed? Johnny Deep.
- A group of deep-sea explorers died after 100 hours of overworking. The pressure was too much.
- My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving! This is a new low...
- I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are... But just think of all the pressure they're under!
- I've plunged into the Dead Sea and couldn't get out I fell into a deep depression.
So Deep Jokes
Here is a list of funny so deep jokes and even better so deep puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My ex broke up with me My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away. - I just heard a beautiful poem... "I dig, you dig, we
dig, he dig, she dig,
they dig, we all dig."
I'll admit it's not a very *beautiful* poem, but it sure is deep. - Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse? Toothless zombies can't bite.
- My favorite quote. "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." – *anonymous*
- My friend and I got into a conversation about Furries. In the end we ended up deep in a rabbit hole.
- Dating a stripper is like opening a bag of chips in church eveybody looks at you in disgust but deep inside they all want some.
- The only way to learn... When I was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool. Swimming to the ladder was easy, but getting out of the sack was the hard part.
- I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day at work. Deep down.., I realized it wasn't for me.
- What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.
- What did one ocean say to the other? I'm not completely shore, but it must have been pretty deep.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Deep Jokes
What funny jokes about deep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean depth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deep pranks.
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Deep Thoughts
Do you think that, when two police officers are having s**..., they appreciate the fact that they are copulating?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after s**... one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....
...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two men are driving down the country road when....
...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has s**... with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.
Blondes and Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
Last Names.
It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.
Yesterday at yoga
Yesterday at yoga, the instructor told us to make a flower shape by putting our hands together. She kept saying to take deep breaths and focus on our flowers. Towards the end of the exercise she told us to smell our flowers and just say out loud what our flowers smelt like. I don't think she appreciated it when I said Vaseline and shame.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Special h**...
Getting a h**... from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...
You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke about Germans - I´m German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it
Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
A: Because deep down they are really nice.
The Pope and Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a group of women if they found r**... jokes funny. They all said "no!"
But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do blonds have schools underwater.
Because deep down, they're not so s**....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The Worst Natural Disaster
So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.
* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.
But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....
They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.
A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole
The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep.
He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound.
He throws in a big stick; still no sound
He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing
Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed.
The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?"
"Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole"
"That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space
Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.
A blind man walks into a bar
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT
Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you m**...!"
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...
After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
Two hunters are walking through a wooded farmland...
when they come across a giant hole they can't seem to find the bottom of. They wanna know how deep it is, so they see a rusted anvil close by, drag it over, and throw it down the hole. Seconds pass, and they never hear it hit the bottom.
A few seconds later, a goat comes sprinting by, and jumps right into the hole. The farmer comes walking by and asks the hunters "fellas, have you guys seen my goat around here?"
The hunters reply "well he just came running at us 80 mph and jumped down into that hole there!"
The farmer says "well that can't be! He was chained to an anvil!"
Two men walk up to a hole
One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.
After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.
Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... in a car in public is like eating from a noisy bag of chips in Church...
Everyone will look at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
wrong answer
A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried," says the guy.
"So?" asks the bartender.
And the guy says, "Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer she was expecting."
A kid falls into a well.
After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"
"Yes, please help me!"
"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"
"I'm 14 and this is deep!"
A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...
The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.
They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.
"Sir, do you know this woman?"
"Yes it's my wife"
(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."
The man replied, "Yeah, I know... but she's a wonderful cook!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
I know he means well.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenager got s**... in well.
He calls 911.
Boy: 911?
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Boy: I'm stuck in a well.
Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?
Boy: im14andthisisdeep.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy dies and goes to h**....
Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of s**..., drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!
Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,
Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!
So Biden slapped him.
A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...
...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water
I know she means well.
An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.
He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts Free shots for the bar! On that man over there! And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can't see.
The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouring the shot and says:
I have had quite a few beers tonight and I need to work tomorrow. I don't want to be hungover. How strong is the liquor?
Bartender: It's 100 proof.
Anti-vaxxer: That's too much proof for me. I'll skip the shot.
two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.
I know she means well.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r**... w**... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amazed
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it a**..., with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband."A penny for your thoughts," she said."It's amazing! " he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $146.50. "
An American a Russian and an Indian meet in a Bar.
They start boasting about their countries.
The American said "We dug deep and found thick wires. So we had a telegraph system in the past too!"
The Russian said " That's nothing. We dug deep and found thin wires. That means we already had phones in the past!"
Then the Indian says "We dug deep and found nothing!"
So the other two started laughing and said "what's there to boast about?"
The Indian said "That means we always had wireless!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?
Miner Tom
Three archaeologists met in a seminar.
The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.
The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.
The Italian said: we dug very deep and didn't find any wires. This proves that my ancestors invented wifi communication.
I told the architect that the pool should be 6 feet deep
But he was working in metric and just couldn't fathom it
