Deed Jokes
53 deed jokes and hilarious deed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Deed Short Jokes
Short deed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deed humour may include short deemed jokes also.
- When a Gamestop employee dies and goes to Heaven... Do you think God says "Well you have 3,000 good deeds, but I'm only gonna give you credit for 14 of them."
- Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. hello
- A man buys a house The guy he buys it from says
"we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?"
"That wooden deed" - No good deed goes unpunished Like the other day when I gave up my seat to this old, frail lady, only to lose my job as a bus driver.
- History is his-story, rambled the tumblrina... where are the records of the deeds of women? that is a miss-story
- How is giving someone a love letter similar to being a hitman? You always say "The deed is done"
- Riddle: I advise others to do this, but never do it myself. What is my advice? Make sure she's 18 before doing the deed.
- how do you know if a vulcano has a STD? You will have a burning sensation after you did the deed
- As a good deed, I carried an old lady's groceries home today. The salami was good, but I didn't like the instant soups.
- A favor for a neighbor is a good deed. A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.
A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo.
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Deed One Liners
Which deed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deed? I can suggest the ones about dealt and debt.
- I did a good deed Can I have some Karma?
- What do you call killing a furry? A good deed
- What do you call it when Miss Fortune follows Miss Deed? Karma
- How much do dirty deeds cost again? -Malcolm Young
- I walked into my teachers doing the deed g**... homeschooling
- Him : I love you... Her : Love means deeds not sweet words.
.... Then He r**... her.
Good Deed Jokes
Here is a list of funny good deed jokes and even better good deed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Got arrested for doing a good deed How come people can donate a kidney and get praised as heroes, but when I donate 5 I get arrested.
- As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed. The guy at the u**... didn't seem to appreciate it, though.
- I think h**... doesn't get enough credit for the good deeds he did Tbf he shot one of the most evil persons to ever live
Hilarious Deed Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about deed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mortgage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deed pranks.
A Man and a woman met on top of a building.
Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.
Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.
Man: How about lets have s**... together to get back at them?
Woman: Nice idea
Then they made passionate love.afterwards...
Woman: lets get back at them again!
They made love again for the second time.
Woman: Lets get back at them again!
They done the deed again and again to get back at their spouses. Then after the fifth time ...
Woman: Lets get back at them again!
Man: (looking very exhausted) I think we should forgive them already.
Good Deeds
Professor walks in to the classroom.
Professor: Greetings students, today we are going to talk about good deeds! I'm going to ask each and everyone of you to tell me a good deed that you might have done over the past month. Derpet! we'll start with you!
Derpet: Well, I helped an old lady cross the street the other day!
Profesor: Very good Derpet! Derpson, your turn!
Derspon: I gave some money to a homeless guy yesterday.
Profesor: Excellent! Derp, what about you?
Derp: I prevented a beating and a r**...!!
Profesor: MY GOD!! that is amazing Derp!! how did you manage to do such a thing!? 0_0
Derp: I persuade her!
A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...
A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."
A guy and a girl have been dating for a while...
and she tells him that she's ready to go the next step of their relationship and have s**.... She invites him over for dinner at her parents house and then afterwards to go back to her place to do the deed.
After much consideration he decides that he should buy condoms just to be safe for their night of love making. So he goes to the pharmacy and takes a look. He becomes indecisive about which package of condoms to buy, should he buy the large fifty pack or go with the four pack? He decides to ask the pharmacist and explains the situation to him. After speaking with him for a while he decides to get the large fifty pack.
Later that night, he goes to his girlfriends parents house for dinner, bringing her mother flowers. They all sit around the table, and he to the surprise of his girlfriend offers to say grace. They all bow their heads and five minutes go by, ten minutes go by and he's still saying prayers. The girlfriend leans over to him and says:
"Wow I didn't know you were so religious." He leans back over and responds "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."
(Haven't seen this one on here so I thought I would share)
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of k**... Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the k**... Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Difference between the words potentially and realistically
A kid goes up to his father and asks him, "Papa, I don't understand the difference between the words potentially and realistically. Could you explain it for me?"
"Of course son. Go to your mother, sister and brother and ask them if they would have s**... with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and see what they say."
The kid goes up to his mother and asks her if she would do the deed with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
"Well, we sure could use the money and he is quite a handsome man. I suppose I would do it."
The boy then goes to his sister and asks if she would let Pitt hit it for a million dollars.
"Well yeah, he's still hot for an older guy."
The lad then goes to his brother and asks if he would allow Brad Pitt to lay pipe in his backyard.
"Honestly bro, I'd do it for that much money."
The boy then runs to his father with his findings. "Papa, I understand now. Potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars but realistically we live with 2 w**... and a fairy.
A koala goes to a brothel
So a koala goes to a brothel and does the deed with the p**.... When they are finished, he gets up and starts to head out the door. The p**... stops him and says "Hey! The definition of p**... is we have s**... for money!" The koala looks at her and says, "Well the definition of koala is eats bushes and leaves."
A rite of passage
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the c**... breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'
Dirty limerick...
There was a girl from Peru
Grammar to her was new
She asked after the deed
With her mouth full of seed
Did I just blow or blew?
Nuns
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a c**....
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
Lettuce Tomato
A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having s**....
So as they are doing the deed and the girl is saying "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato!" Then the younger brother says, "Hey, can you two stop making sandwiches? I just got mayonnaise on my face."
s**...
A h**...'s Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, "I'm next."
He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the matter.
He says, "I never done it with a cop!"
I was such an ugly baby...
I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream and handed it to her. 'Listen, dear,' he said, 'I know you have problems, you don't have to tell me what they are, but hopefully this will cheer you up.' My Mom smiled through her tears and accepted the ice cream. The kind stranger returned the smile then held out his other hand and said, 'And here is a bag of nuts for the monkey!'
My good deed for the day
In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you've got to help out so I helped her put it all back.
Went shopping this afternoon.
Good deed done today.
This afternoon at the Morrisons check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change and she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive.
She didn't want me to help her but I insisted...................and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Have a great Christmas! :)
A feller from Arkansas went to Tennessee.
While he was there he met a girl and they fell in love. Eventually they got married and went on their honeymoon. They are about to do the deed when she tells him she is a v**..., that she has saved herself for him. He gets flustered and doesn't know what to do, so he gets up and goes back home to ask his parents what to do. After explaining about his new bride being a v**..., his father says, "You done right. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for you!"
My good deed for the day.
This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Probably one for British people
A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.
"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."
"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will forgive you."
"Well," she starts. "I used to be a h**...."
"My dearest," he replies. "That is no problem for me. To be honest I'm a little turned on. Tell me more."
"Ok then, my name was Brian and I played for Wigan."
I did my good deed for the day
I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
World War 2
Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Priest: "That's perfectly okay."
Man: "I haven't told them the war is over."
An elderly woman asked a young man if he wanted to try 69.
Out of curiosity, he agreed.
Whilst they were doing the deed, she accidentally f**.... Embarrassed, she apologised, and they continued.
The same thing happened a short while later, and the woman apologised again, to which the young man replied:
"No can do lady, I ain't gonna wait for the other 67!"
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
A Carnival worker and a woman get married
The couple, being good Christians never have relations until their wedding night. As the woman ends up finally seeing the Carney's room, notices that he has shelves and shelves of stuffed animals.
They finally do the deed. As they are laying there exasperated, she, panting, asks her husband So how was it? He replied You may have any animal off of the 2 shelf.
There once was a not very bright girl with a bright body.
Everybody knew she was the best looking girl in their small town
One day a man came knocking at her door, she let him in and he woo'd her (seduced)
They did the deed and the man said "now I'm the only one with one of those so don't go looking for any more from no one else"
The woman being of sub-avarage intelligence agreed
But one day the postman came to the door and woo'd get and did the deed
The woman called the other man and asked, "if your the only one with one of those then why does the postman have one?" the man, flustered said "well I gave some of mine to him!"
The woman then asked, "then why did you give him the bigger one?"
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the gate.
St. Peter greets him, and tells him he can enter heaven on one condition. He must share one good deed he did in his life time. The man says, I was driving down the road, when I say a gang of bikers bullying this little girl. I went up to the leader, punched him and told them to leave the poor girl alone. St. Peter this amazed, and asked him when all of this happened. About 5 minutes ago replies the man
A man is at a restaurant, eating his meal...
...when he suddenly notices another man choking.
He jumps up, runs to the table, pulls the man's pants down, and runs his tongue between the man's buttocks.
The choking man, in surprise, coughs up the dislodged piece of food onto the floor.
A crowd has gathered around, and they congratulate the heroic deed of the diner.
A person from the crowd says to him, "Where'd you learn to do that?!"
The heroic man replies, "I've studied it for a long time, but it's the first time I've ever tried the hind-lick maneuver!"
A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with only a goat for company...
After a few months, the goat starts looking a bit enticing. Finally the guy sneaks up behind the goat. As he's about to do the deed, the goat walks off. This goes on for a few months.
One day the guy wakes up to find a beautiful young woman half-drowned in the waves off the island. He rescues her. She's so glad to be alive she says, "I'll do anything for you". The guy thinks for a minute and says, "ANYthing?" She replies, "Yep, Ill do ANYTHING".
So the guy says, "Great, can you hold on to this goat for a minute?"
No good deed goes unpunished
I ran into a friend of mine who looked roughed up, with a shiner and an arm in a cast. I was aghast and asked him what happened.
He: Dude, don't ask. I was on the bus, minding my own business, when the gal sitting next to me stood up as her stop was approaching, and I noticed her skirt was stuck in her buttcrack. Thought I'd do her a favor and pull the skirt back out, but she punched me in the face.
Me: That s**..., yo! What's with the arm?
He: Oh, that was for trying to make peace by pushing the skirt back in .
Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean
A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
