Declined Jokes
61 declined jokes and hilarious declined puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about declined that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Have you ever been embarrassed when your credit card was declined in public? Laugh it off with these declined jokes that will help you take the sting out. From making fun of yourself to lightheartedly accepting rejection, find out creative ways to make the best of being declined.
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Funniest Declined Short Jokes
Short declined jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The declined humour may include short refused jokes also.
- My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange. I declined because I have stranger things to watch.
- I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
- The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women
- I once was asked to star in a movie for a million dollars but I declined. I don't have that much money.
- Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19... ... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.
- Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.
- My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline. I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.
- Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years... Brits are really good at pulling out.
- DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic. When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."
- A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined.... Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak
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Declined One Liners
Which declined one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with declined? I can suggest the ones about rejected and denied.
- Why did the Egyptian Civilization decline? It turned out to be a giant pyramid scheme.
- How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates? Sending thots and players.
- Why did the biker decline an invitation to the rally? He was just two tired.
- My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined. I hate dive bars.
- My friend asked me if I wanted to walk down a hill with him. I declined.
- Did you know teen pregnancies… Take a sharp decline at the age of 20.
- I was hit on by a linguist the other day She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.
- Why did the hipster decline surgery? The anesthetic wasn't local
- What's the best way to decline a hotdog eating contest? No franks.
- Obesity levels in the U.K. are rapidly declining. They're dropping pounds fast
- Why did Steve Jobs decline chemotherapy? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
- Why were the two engaged melons upset their visas get declined? They cantaloupe
- What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work? Suture self!
- My friend offered me a nice stable job. I declined because I don't like horses
- A kid with no legs challenged me to a duel. I declined. You can't defeat an amputee.
Credit Card Declined Jokes
Here is a list of funny credit card declined jokes and even better credit card declined puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.
- A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times She kept asking for my card again.
Rib-Tickling Declined Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about declined you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean resigned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make declined pranks.
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
Moral decline of the modern world
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
A man knows his marraige is on the rocks and wants to buy a grand gift for his wife...
He offers to buy her a Ferrari but she says no, he offers to get her a massive diamond ring but she declines, he asks her if she wants a huge yacht but she again turns him down. Exasperated, he says 'well what *do* you want?' to which she replies 'a divorce!', the guy goes deathly pale and whimpers 'I wasn't planning on spending *that* much'.
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
Today I was offered s**...
I was offered s**... today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.
- Source - facebook though it was funny so I though I'd share.
Today I was offered s**... by an 18 year old female...
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the s**... I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
Ronda Rousey says she contemplated s**....
Holly Holm declined the rematch though.
A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...
and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'
I was offered s**... from a 21 year old girl today
In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.
When the nurse declined his request...
He simply said
**"When I donate blood I don't extract it, the nurse does"**
And walked out of the s**... bank.
My good deed for the day
In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you've got to help out so I helped her put it all back.
I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm
It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.
I was invited to a f**... at 6 AM
But I declined, because I'm really not a mourning person.
The other day I got offered a t**...
I had to decline, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today.
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
Two beautiful women approached me at the bar and asked if I'd be interested in a t**.... I had to decline...
If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I'd just go out to dinner with my parents.
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.
Surprised, the first lady had a s**.... The second lady also had a s**.... The third lady, though, declined to touch it.
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today…
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!
I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a f**... that is scheduled for 5:00am.
I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.
A software tester walks into a bar.
He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.
A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building collapses
Japanese Ministry of Artistic Affairs Warns the Art of Origami is in Decline!
More on this as the story unfolds.
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I was interested in taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought "d**..., I might actually win this".
A definite integral and an indefinite integral walk into a bar.
The indefinite integral takes a seat next to the definite integral, and as they chat, they find they have a lot in common!
As the night goes on the indefinite integral offers to buy the two another round, but the definite integral politely declines:
.
No thank you, I know my limits!
A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.
After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man driving just steps on the breaks and pulls a shotgun and screams " now you drink or I blow your head of" the guy does what he's told and takes a sterdy sip. After the old man goes: "Good, now you aim at me so I can have drink too"
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says
thanks if there's anything you ever need let me know
The dolphin replies
you're welcome
Then the Whale says g**.......why would you want that?
Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.
She's a bit of a pothead but d**... good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.
Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?
In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.
Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".
Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.
I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"
I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.
Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.
So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.
Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.
He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. Next day it's his turn to keep the log and he writes "N wind, calm sea, today the captain is sober."
