The Best 46 Declares Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Declares jokes. There are some declares bodyguard jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these declares pulls puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Declares Jokes and Puns

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American

were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'

'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could seduce a woman so easily?'

'I think they were Russian,' says the American.

'After all, who else could walk around stark naked, feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'

Getting punch at a party.

A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've screwed up the punchline!"

Bubba n' Buford

Bubba n' Buford were sittin' on their porch one afternoon drinkin' beer n' bein' entertained by the bug zapper when this semi haulin' sod comes over the hill n' passes in front of their trailer. Bubba declares, "When we get rich I'm gonna do that!". Buford, asks "Do what?". Bubba looks at Buford like he's a idiot n' says, "Well duh, send our grass out to get it cut like them folks!".

A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"

The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."

"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

jokes about declares

A guy walks into a Bar....

..and walks up to a beautiful woman. He asks her if she would have sex with him for $10,000. She thinks about and says she would. He then asks her if she would have sex with him for $100. Disgusted, she declares, What kind of woman do you think I am? He replies, we have already established that, now I'm just negotiating price.


Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.

Declares joke, The Mexican Magician

A Irishman walks into a library...

...and declares, "I'll have the fish and chips, please!"

Ruffled, the librarian at the desk says, "sir, this is a library!"

The man whispers, "I'll have the fish and chips, please."

2 Old Friends get in a terrible fight,

One of them declares " I'm not going to be your friend any more. I'm going home and get everything I ever borrowed and bring it all back!" "What about the money I've loaned you?" "Well... I'm not that mad at you!"

50 cent declares bankrupcy...

he hasnt got a dollar to his name

The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.

They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.

Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

You can explore declares proclamation reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean declares man dad jokes. There are also declares puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


After the American Revolution, Thomas Paine celebrates by purchasing a new pair of shoes.

He declares that these are the times to try men's soles.

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

Update: Indian bread factory no longer under investigation for food poisoning, inspector declares.

It was a naan-issue.

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. Not again …

Declares joke, Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but

Donald Trump declares that supermarkets can no longer sell pizzas topped with cheese.

When an interviewer asks him why, he says that it's because he wants to make America grate again.

Switzerland declares war on China.

The Chinese President is informed by one of his aides that Switzerland has declared war on them. The president calmly asks:
"What's the population of Switzerland?", the aide replies: "8 million, sir", and so the president says: "Alright, which hotel will they be staying at?".

So the iPhone 7 gets arrested...

He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".


God and the Devil are walking on the beach....

God sees something shiny in the sand. He picks it up an declares "look its religion". The Devil says "give it to me, I'll organize it".

Two rednecks from Alabama are sitting, drinking. . .

When one turns to the other & declares "I'm finally dating a geeeenuuuuine MILF!"

The other looks up & says: "Really, Jim Bob?"

"Yep!" Jim Bob replies. "She's fifteen but she only got 3 kids."

WHO declares Zika emergency over...

I don't know, who?

Which state declares she's a prostitute?

Idaho

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

A three-legged dog burst into a saloon and declares...

"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"

Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.

One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."

The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."

Declares joke, Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...

The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"

"Yes," the woman says.

"And what did you steal?"

"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.

"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.

"Six," the woman replies.

"Alright. Then I think it is just your sentence be six days in jail," the judge declares.

"...Uh, Your Honor?" the woman's husband says.

"Yes?"

"I think she stole a can of peas as well."

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, This is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist sighs and says, You're right.

Breaking News: North Korea declares war on South Korea!

Related Story: France surrenders to N. Korea!


Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...

The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so kinky, he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads her legs and yells "BABE COME OUT OF THERE"

A man and woman are walking at night through a cold, dark forest.

I don't like this place. It's scary and I'm cold, declares the woman.

You're scared?! the man replies, you're not the one who has to walk back all alone!

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek, with Einstein seeking. As he counts down, Pascal goes and hides in the bushes but Newton stands in front of him, takes out a piece of chalk, and draws a square around himself on the ground. When Einstein reaches 0, he looks up and sees Newton and declares, "I've found Newton!"

Newton replies, "No you haven't. You've found one Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"


A man declares that he will be the first person to jump out of a plane without a parachute

The man jumps out and dies on impact with the ground.

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make loveΒ right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."

Trump declares war against Twitter

McDonald's is now concerned and very scared.

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench

Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
'That's a filthy habit'

Sister Carol replies: 'blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things'.

Remember, men, when your wife declares her intention to learn how to drive,

Don't stand in her way.

Three cars are in a drag race at night on a highly lit up track.

When the race starts two of the cars take off at full speed towards the finish a quarter mile away.

The third simply turns on his headlights and declares himself the winner.

He says as he takes the trophy, Nothing beats the speed of light.

Austria declares war on China:

β€žWe have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks

China accepst: β€žWe have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads

Austria replies:β€žWe abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.

They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, I'll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says, Ma'am, this is a library.
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, I'll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.

A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama

Reasons the judge: The entire state's population can reasonably be considered as a family unit

An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.

Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, Goddammit, I missed! At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord's name, so help me, may He strike you down right here on the green. The rabbi swings, misses, and swears. Suddenly, a lightning bolt descends and incinerates the priest. A heavenly voice then cries out, Goddammit, I missed!

A young novice joins a Silent Monastery. He is permitted to speak two words every 10 years.

After the first Decade he is admitted to the Abbot's study, sits across from him at his desk, and says: "Soup cold". After the second Decade, he does the same and says: "Bed hard". Once thirty years have passed, he stands at the threshold and declares: "I'm leaving"! Whereupon the Abbot slowly looks up and says: "Well I'm hardly surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the declares aver jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working declares declare piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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