Declares Jokes
64 declares jokes and hilarious declares puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about declares that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Declares Short Jokes
Short declares jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The declares humour may include short declared jokes also.
- So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS ... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists
- So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".
- America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against vietnam It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
- Why girls don't have willys Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"
- France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other France surrenders
Italy changes sides
Both lose - A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each 1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
- Why don't girls have willys... A little boy came running into the kitchen an declared, "Mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow."
- The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.
- With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you're on, I think we can all safely say... Thanks, Obama.
- TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia... Oops...wrong sub
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Declares One Liners
Which declares one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with declares? I can suggest the ones about proclaims and announces.
- Liberals declared leukemia to be racist There's too many white cells.
- 50 cent declares bankrupcy... he hasnt got a dollar to his name
- Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page
- I broke up with my girlfriend on the 4th of July... It was a Declaration of Independence.
- Catalonia declared independence. What now? Everybody expects the Spanish imposition.
- What did the programmer say to the variable? Well, I do declare.
- 1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a cold war... 5, 6, 7, 8 loser is a buffer state.
- How do the French declare war? With a white flag.
- I think I'm ready to declare Elf of the year already: Epstein didn't kill hims Elf.
- Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic? WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.
- The British weather has just been declared Muslim A little bit Sunni but mostly Shiite
- After a whole year my school Extestentialist Club declared me... ...most likely to be
- Nietzsche declared God dead, Jesus Declared God Dad.
- If you think GOD is not Real... Declare him as Integer.
- How do Southerners get through customs so quickly? They do declare!
Comedy Declares Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about declares you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exclaims jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make declares pranks.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American
were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'
'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could s**... a woman so easily?'
'I think they were Russian,' says the American.
'After all, who else could walk around stark n**..., feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
Kid runs away from home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.
'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.
'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.
'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism
After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."
"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.
He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
A man opens the door for his moother-in-law
And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"
The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."
"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"
A guy walks into a Bar....
..and walks up to a beautiful woman. He asks her if she would have s**... with him for $10,000. She thinks about and says she would. He then asks her if she would have s**... with him for $100. Disgusted, she declares, What kind of woman do you think I am? He replies, we have already established that, now I'm just negotiating price.
Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."
The Mexican Magician
A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *p**...* The magician vanished without a tres.
A Irishman walks into a library...
...and declares, "I'll have the fish and chips, please!"
Ruffled, the librarian at the desk says, "sir, this is a library!"
The man whispers, "I'll have the fish and chips, please."
The priest, laywer, and engineer
By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."
A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings
The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)
Donald Trump said, "I declare April as s**... Assault Awareness month."
His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"
Trump replied, "Prevent it?"
Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.
Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."
A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency?
However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks.
So the Hacker group Anonymous just declared war on ISIS and Al-Queida
Quite ironic that terrorists will be killed by 72 virgins.
We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, I'm gay and I don't care who knows it!
He must have been really drunk, because he's been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.
•••
Happy National Coming Out Day!
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.
They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
Since the Democratic Party is led by Sleepy Joe Biden, today they announced that they'd be renaming themselves to the ZZZ Party...
... realizing that the Republican Party name no longer provides a strong enough contrast with their opponents, President Trump and Mitch McConnell declared that they will be changing their name to the Not ZZZ Party.
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
After what happened at the U.S. Captiol
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Three guys are competing to see who is the best swordsman in the world.
The first guy throws an orange into the air and chops it into 10 pieces before it hits the ground.
The second guy throws a grape in the air and chops it into 20 pieces before it hits the ground.
The last guy sees a fruit fly and takes a massive swipe at him. The fly doesn't even budge and flies away.
The other two start laughing and declare him the loser
"Ah he says but that fly will never be a father"
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
'They must have been English,' declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.'
'They were undoubtedly French,' said the Frenchman. 'Who else could s**... a woman so easily?'
'I think they were Russians,' said the Russian. 'After all, who else could walk stark n**..., feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in Paradise?'
(Mentions of gore) Once upon a time, there was a very brave but very arrogant man…
This man claimed he could survive anything. He survived falls from various heights, various guns, sharp objects and even acid.
One day, he declared he was going to survive a steamroller. So this brave man went in the roller's path…
He sadly died that day, but the most important thing was he proved that he had guts.
Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs
Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.
Trial
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
Two cats decided to have a swimming race across the English channel
The English cat's name was One-Two-Three, and the French cat's name was Un-Deux-t**.... They both swam as fast as they could across the Channel, but in the end, the One-Two-Three cat was declared the winner because.....
the Un-Deux-t**... cat sank! (quatre cinq)
