The Best 73 Declared Jokes

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feeling better than ever.
"Weren't you dead?", Asked the nurses.
"Well, I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great!"

Didn't realize how bad it had gotten...

The officiating in the NBA is so bad that at the end of last night's Knicks/Heat game the Lakers were declared the winner by 20 points.

The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism

After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."

"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.

He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"

So two physicists are talking...

So two physicists are disusing what they think would happen if an unstoppable force met an unmovable object. After being unable to reach agreement, the first physicist declared that the only way they could know was to design an experiment, but has no idea how to accomplish such a feat. The second physicist says "Simple. Just give me five minutes alone with your mother."

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless.

He has been declared mentally unstable.

Vladimir Putin has declared there is a cure for homosexuality

Lipstick. Apparently it keeps the chaps away.

They're making a movie about classical music composers...

They're making a movie about classical music composers. In the middle of the auditions, Arnold Schwarzenegger walked in and simply declared, "I'll be Bach."

Do you know which End she was talking about?

My teacher pointed me with her ruler and declared that at the end of her ruler is an idiot.
I was suspended for a week for just asking which end!

Three Engineers are Sitting at a Bar...

...and discussing what kind of engineer constructed the human body. The first exclaimed that it must be a Mechanical Engineer because of all the joints and moving parts. The second said it had to have been an Electrical Engineer because of all the nerve endings and electrical signals. The third disagreed with both and declared that it had to have been a Nuclear Engineer, because who else would construct a toxic tube so close to a recreational area?

A surveyor went to a gentlemans club

He gathered all the strippers and declared, "I'd like to take a poll."

A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator...

...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.

After a whole year my school Extestentialist Club declared me...

...most likely to be

North Korea has officially declared war.

If Russia declared war on Quebec

It would be Putin versus Poutine

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

I challenged a guy to a game of Pool.

"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.

Boy, did he look smug when he won.

Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.

My girlfriend was really excited about sex but said we couldn't because she was on her period...

.. I turned back and declared "The only thing a period stops is a sentence."

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

The Myinb Oxen was recently declared extinct.

RIP Myinb Ox

The mighty god rode his valiand steed atop the highest mountain..

... raised his hammer high, and declared ''I am Thor!''. To which his horse replied: ''Because you forgot your thaddle, thilly.''

Did you hear about the great Alphabet war of 1938?

The last letter of the alphabet declared war on all the not-zs.

Switzerland declares war on China.

The Chinese President is informed by one of his aides that Switzerland has declared war on them. The president calmly asks:
"What's the population of Switzerland?", the aide replies: "8 million, sir", and so the president says: "Alright, which hotel will they be staying at?".

Pepe the Frog has been declared a racist meme by the Anti-Defamation League

RIP Anti-Defamation League

The arrogant baker declared 'You'll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window'

The customer agreed 'It must be the double glazing'

America was declared the country with most busty people.

In the both genders category.

Why girls don't have willys

Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

A man lost both his hands in an industrial accident.

Determined to still live a full life, and vowing to be more careful, he declared, "I will never be defeated!"

Liberals declared leukemia to be racist

There's too many white cells.

Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical?

It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia.

Did you hear anonymous declared war on ISIS?

A: Kind of ironic that they're now being attacked by 72 virgins

Nasa just declared an apocalyptic asteroid is reaching earth in 10 minutes.

Melania: So what do we do?

Donald : Sex?

Melania: What about the remaining 8 minutes?

I killed someone while splitting wood today

I'm getting off though, they declared it an axe-ident

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

A woman once gave her husband the silent treatment

It lasted for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately!

The British weather has just been declared Muslim

A little bit Sunni but mostly Shiite

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

Colorado Springs police are looking for the 'Mad Pooper'.

The jogger is suspected in a shit-and-run incident. She's been declared public enemy number two. So far they've been unable to flush her out.

2 of my pets just packed their bags and left home!

"It is Cat... alans that have declared independence", I screamed up the road after them.

Catalonia declared independence. What now?

Everybody expects the Spanish imposition.

Three men are in a bar

Three men are in a bar, talking about the Red Sox. "I think they'll win it all this year," said the first man. "No way, the Yankees are too good", said the second man. "Well, I've converted to several versions of Christianity and still belong to all of them!" declared the third man, before walking off.

"That was a strange guy," said the first man. "No," said the second man, "that was just a non-sect-quitter."

Did you hear that doctors have finally found a cure for alzheimers?

This is so historic that the government has declared this a day of remembrance.

 

This might not get any traction but I just thought of it and made myself chuckle a little.

The GOP has finally formally declared war on Intelligence.

The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.

"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."

:-P

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?

He was declared to be in Seine.

The U.S. declared that European nations are forbidden from fishing for caviar in the Carribean

This is known as the Salmon Roe Doctrine

Ireland has just declared a drought!

In response to this the Irish government have decided to close 2 lanes in every swimming pool in an effort to save water.

My wife must be feeling patriotic today...

... because she just declared her independence.

July 4th, 1776

British: Just saying it, doesn't make you independent..

Thomas Jefferson: I didn't say it, I declared it.

Little known fact

But in martial arts the first person to raise referees hand is always declared a winner.

What is the difference between the War on Drugs and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 50 years. (Nixon declared it in 1971)

Hitler and his fortuneteller

Hitler once went to a fortune teller and asked her, "On what day will I die?". The fortune teller predicted that Hitler would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you so sure of that? , Hitler demanded. To which the fortune teller responded Any day you die, will be a declared a Jewish holiday!

If Obama declared bankruptcy and started living on the streets, what would be his Economic Status?

Baroque

Why hasn't Biden declared his run for president yet?

He's just Biden his time.

One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

Nietzsche declared God dead,

Jesus Declared God Dad.

So the Hacker group Anonymous just declared war on ISIS and Al-Queida

Quite ironic that terrorists will be killed by 72 virgins.

The World Health Organization has declared

Dogs don't contract Corona virus and has ordered all dogs in quarantine be released. So WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?

WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.

I was dating a girl claiming to be related to King Louis the XVI and got mad

after I declared "so no head?"
Immediately she begins storming off

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It's the holiest of cheeses.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, I'm gay and I don't care who knows it!

He must have been really drunk, because he's been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.

•••

Happy National Coming Out Day!

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."

With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you're on, I think we can all safely say...

Thanks, Obama.

As a gamer I find it strange that Biden was declared the winner...

Trump had way more kills

A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.

They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.

Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch some of the falling moisture. "It is drizzle," he declared.

The husband, a little put out by losing the argument, complained. "And why are we accepting our neighbors judgement?"

"Because," the wife replied, "Rudolf the red knows rain, dear."

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

Since the Democratic Party is led by Sleepy Joe Biden, today they announced that they'd be renaming themselves to the ZZZ Party...

... realizing that the Republican Party name no longer provides a strong enough contrast with their opponents, President Trump and Mitch McConnell declared that they will be changing their name to the Not ZZZ Party.

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

An American, a Chinese and an Indian went on a world tour by Air.

The American proudly declared "we have reached my homeland USA" pointing at the Statue of Liberty.

After some hours, the Chinese pointed at the Great Wall of China and exclaimed "friends, we have reached China".

More hours went by and all eyes were on the Indian. He calmly opened the window and put his hand outside. When he pulled his arm back, his wristwatch was gone. Unconcerned, he announced "Guys, welcome to India."

A drunk stumbled to a church to ask a priest a question. He drunkenly asked "Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest, annoyed by the drunk, angrily replies:

"Arthritis? That's caused by drinking! Drinking too much!" The priest declared.

"Oh really father?" The drunk slurred.

However, the father wanted to really teach this man a lesson, and he said:

"Having un-wed sex also causes arthritis! And smoking! And gambling! All of it!" The priest shouted.

"Oh really father?" The drunk mumbled. "Because I read in the news that people in the clergy suffer from arthritis."