Howlingly Hilarious Declare Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
I think I'm ready to declare Elf of the year already:
Epstein didn't kill hims Elf.
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.
He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
If you have two cows,
Socialism: The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor
Communism: You give them to the government and the government gives you some milk
Fascism: You keep the cows and give the milk to the government, then the government sells you some milk
New Dealism: You shoot one and milk the other, then you pour the milk down the drain
n**...: The government shoots you and keeps the cows
Capitalism: You sell one and buy a bull. Then put both of them in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned
Binaryism: You have 10 cows
The WHO declared that processed meats cause cancer...
It's official guys, meat is literally m**....
What is the French verb that means "To declare war"?
*Surrendre*
How do Southerners get through customs so quickly?
They do declare!
Did you hear about Trump's tax plan?
Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!
WHO declares Zika emergency over...
I don't know, who?
France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other
France surrenders
Italy changes sides
Both lose
France and Italy declare war...
France surrenders and Italy switches sides. Both countries lose.
You can explore declare profess reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean declare declaration dad jokes. There are also declare puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A blonde goes to court
A blonde goes to court.
Eventually the judge says: I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.
The blonde is thrilled: Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)
Border crossing
I was driving back to Canada with my family when we came to the border. After a short wait in line, we get to the guard booth, and he asks if I have anything to declare. With a sigh, I turn to my wife and say, "Honey, I want a divorce."
Donald Trump said, "I declare April as s**... Assault Awareness month."
His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"
Trump replied, "Prevent it?"
How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead?
"After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."
What did the programmer say to the variable?
Well, I do declare.
The US Government will be very supportive of NASA's efforts to put humans on Mars.
The only thing NASA has to do is declare war on Mars!
Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?
Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: ...You just crossed a line, kid.
How do the French declare war?
With a white flag.
If you think GOD is not Real...
Declare him as Integer.
1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a cold war...
5, 6, 7, 8 loser is a buffer state.
What did the Jewish Bostonian woman declare to her Sunday bridge group about her recent knitting project?
"I'm so AUtistic!"
Handyman goes to court
So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.
In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.
Turns out he had done some jury rigging.
âŠI hereby declare anything black and white in the ratio 5:1 is automatically a meme.âŽ
The U.S. declared that European nations are forbidden from fishing for caviar in the Carribean
This is known as the Salmon Roe Doctrine
Why did the Vatican declare pirates were outlaws?
Because the cabin boy wouldn't share his b**...!
Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?
WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
Who declared Corona as a pandemic??
This is the first time in
english literature question
and answer both are same
Q:Who declared Corona
as a pandemic?
A: WHO declared Corona
as a pandemic.
TIL In 1836 a San Antonio pie maker fought with Mexican dairy farmers who tried to serve their pie with a newly developed frozen dairy product. While the pie maker ultimately lost, their valiant struggle is brought to mind any time people declare,
"Remember the à la mode"
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.
The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.
The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"
The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"
The mathematician says "amateurs!". He gets up and builds a tiny fence around his feet and proclaims "I declare myself to be on the outside."
An old Republican is on his death bed
\- I have a confession to make! I declare myself a Democrat now!
\- But... but... why? You hate democrats! You spent all your life fighting with them!
\- Because now one of them will die!
Three guys are competing to see who is the best swordsman in the world.
The first guy throws an orange into the air and chops it into 10 pieces before it hits the ground.
The second guy throws a grape in the air and chops it into 20 pieces before it hits the ground.
The last guy sees a fruit fly and takes a massive swipe at him. The fly doesn't even budge and flies away.
The other two start laughing and declare him the loser
"Ah he says but that fly will never be a father"
Seminar
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? The rest of the story is not pleasant.
