Deck Jokes
156 deck jokes and hilarious deck puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deck that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud at these hilarious jokes about decks, from backyard decks to card decks to poop decks. Whether you're a sailor, a ferry passenger, or just standing on your porch, you can appreciate the humor of these silly deck jokes!
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Funniest Deck Short Jokes
Short deck jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deck humour may include short board jokes also.
- For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
- The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck. - I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order. - My gf told me if I trimmed my bush it would make my deck bigger She's been spending a lot of time with the landscaper so I'm guessing she learned it from him
- What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
- I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
- They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.
- I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards. Then I learned to deal with it.
- Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office. Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
Doctor: "I'll deal with you later." - As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down. The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.
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Deck One Liners
Which deck one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deck? I can suggest the ones about drawer and tiles.
- What do you call 52 slice of bread? A deck of carbs!
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
- I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
- How do ships flirt online? They send deck pics.
- I honestly cannot deal with puns. But I can with a deck of cards.
- What brand of power tools does chris brown use? Black and Deck Her
- What has 13 hearts but no organs? A deck of cards.
- I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this.
- If you cut the grass around your deck ... It makes your deck look bigger.
- How can you get four suits for under $2.00? Buy a deck of cards.
- The New Apple Card Deck only has 48 Cards They left out the jacks
- What's the best side of the house to build a deck on? The outside
- You can never trust magicians They might not be playing with a full deck
- One thing I can't deal with.. is a deck of cards glued together.
- Where are all the Jews on the Starship Enterprise? on the challah deck
Below Deck Jokes
Here is a list of funny below deck jokes and even better below deck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist
- When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet. I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.
- What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common? They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
- My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards. Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.
- Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship… The first one asks, Have you read Marx?
The other one replies, Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs. - What's the difference between a deck of cards and England? A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
- My pirate friends always bring a box of Q-tips to poker night. The loser has to swab the deck.
- Always use a proper deck of cards A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died... - I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.
- I'm not putting any Halloween or Christmas stuff in my yard this year. I'm just going to stand on my back porch reciting the Gettysburg address. That will be my deck oration.
Card Deck Jokes
Here is a list of funny card deck jokes and even better card deck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a deck of glass playing cards... It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.
- A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards. A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.
- Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games? His poker decks.
- I was playing cards with my friend and lost. I got so mad, I decked him in the face.
- A patient walks into a doctors office... "Doctor Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!" says the patient
"Sit down I'll deal with you later" he replies. - Why didn't they ever play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck
- This bellboy at this hotel must be really keen for his tips... ...I asked him for a deck of playing cards and it took 52 trips to get them to me.
- Why can't you use a deck of cards that's been shuffled? It's out of order.
- I saw my friend sat on the deck drinking some wine. "Hey, buddy!" I shouted. "You're ruining my cards."
- The way I make magic in the bedroom is... ... with a deck of cards.
Deck Of Cards Jokes
Here is a list of funny deck of cards jokes and even better deck of cards puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There's a new drinking game... You draw a random card from a deck & if it's black you take a shot....
We call it "Ferguson" - Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck, YARRRRRRRRRR!
- Do you know how you can get four brand new, fancy suits for tree fiddy? Buy a deck of cards!
- My friend asked me if I wanted to play with his deck of cards... "But you don't even have a full deck!"
"Just deal with it" - I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.
- You could say that the Joker is a few cards short of a deck 53 cards short to be precise.
- Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards Just sit down and I'll deal with you later
- I've just bought you all a deck of cards. Deal with it.
- I ate a whole deck of cards...:( Now i'm playing 52 card throw up
Hilarious Fun Deck Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about deck you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean desk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deck pranks.
I was at this party the other day...
...and one of my buddies decided to have me do a magic trick to "liven up the crowd."
So I took a brand new deck of cards and asked for a single, female volunteer. I found the hottest one in the room and got her on the coffee table "stage," asked her if we knew each other in real life, if the deck was new, yatta yatta yatta.
She said yes and I opened the deck and a sharpie marker.
"Write your name on whatever card you pick," I said, and paused as she wrote it down, "And your phone number. I promise this is leading somewhere." Another pause, and she agrees.
Taking the card from her, I held it up in the air and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I just got the number of the hottest girl in the room. MAGIC."
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
A joke for pirate day.
A pirate ship's first mate comes up to the deck to find the ship's (steering) wheel missing. The first mate rushes to the captain of the ship, only to find the wheel in his pants.
The first mate asks, "Captain, did you know the ship's wheel is in your pants?"
"Aaarrrh," the pirate captain replied. "I know, it's driving me nuts!"
So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...
... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"
After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.
Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"
The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.
The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the pirate captain say to the s**... fish he hired to clean his ship?
s**... my *DECK*!!!
A deckhand comes up to the pirate captain.
"The cannons be ready, Captain," he reports.
*"Are,"* the captain scornfully replies.
a magician has a show on a cruiseboat..
So this magician has gotten himself a gig at a cruiseship.
When the ship is out on the open sea the show starts featuring himself and his parrot.
He is performing his first trick a TADAAA a whole deck of cards flips out thin air. the parrot shrieks loudly "those cards were in his left jacketsleeve, they were in his left jacketsleeve!"
Ok well, time for trick #2, the magician pulls a whole bouquet of flowers out of his hat and the parrot start shrieking "those flowers were in his pockets, those flowers were in his pockets!"
The magician reacts a bit annoyed by the parrot spoiling all his tricks, but he doesn't have alot of time to be angry, because the ship capsizes, drowns, and everyone on board is dead.
Except the magician and his parrot. They are floating on a piece of wreckage and just sort of look awkwardly at each other untill finally the parrot says "Ok fine, I give up, where is that boat?"
The Captain's Pants
The Captain of a ship was standing on deck when his lookout called down "Captain! I see 1 ship on the horizon!" The Captain prepared the crew for battle and called to his first mate "Bring me my red pants! If I get hit I don't want my men to know! I want them to keep fighting!" The battle was long and hard won by the captain and his men. They were standing on the damaged deck when the look out called down "Captain! I see 10 ships on the horizon!" The Captain turned to his first mate and said "Bring me my brown pants."
Captain and his red shirt
A newly appointed captain on a ship is standing on the deck, when a call comes out 'An enemy ship is approaching!' The captain calmly turns to his first mate and says 'Bring me my red shirt.' They're victorious and after the battle some of the crew ask the captain why he asked for his red shirt; he says that in a red shirt his wounds won't be seen by the crew in combat, and help their morale.
A few weeks later the captain is standing on deck when the call comes down that two enemy ships are approaching. Again the captain asks for his red shirt, they're once again victorious.
Another week goes by and there is another call, this time three ships. Captain asks for his red shirt, and again victory!
Next week when the captain is standing on the deck he hears his crew yell 'Captain! Ten enemy ships are approaching!' The captain turns to his first mate, and quitely says: 'Bring me my brown pants.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the sea captain say when he saw the p**... waking up on the deck of his ship?
Aar... look at the h**... rizen!
Why should you never sit at the top deck of a double decker bus?
Because there is no driver up there.
I got kicked out of the hardware store today...
It's my dad's fault. He told me to buy a black and deck her.
A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..
The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.
The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.
The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.
What do you call an epileptic in a deck chair?
A transformer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
IRS Inquiry
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deck hand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi r**... and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
My girlfriend and i went out to dinner, guess were
MAH DECK
The Bat family were playing a game of "old maid" with a poker deck...
Needless to say it was a never ending game. Everyone wanted the joker.
What is most popular hearthstone deck in Germany?
Patron Warrior because Everyone Get in Here
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls....
When they both suddenly die part way through the song.
They are reincarnated as a**...-less chaps. Jeff looks over and says: "Don, we now are gay apparel."
What's Bernie Sanders favorite Christmas Carols?
deck the halls with boughs of free cash
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in a plane c**... and washes up on a deserted island...
He's there for weeks, and is nearly losing hope. Finally one day, a box floats up onto the beach: RESCUE KIT. He's ecstatically excited, thinking he's finally free. But when he opens it up, all there is is a deck of cards. He breaks down sobbing, thinking "How ridiculous! What kind of rescue kit is this!?"
But later he gets bored. He deals out a game of solitaire on a rock and starts playing. Not even two minutes go by when a man is standing behind him. "Hey, put the red 8 on the black 9".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you test a pirate for c**...?
Swab the deck!
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
I once skated on the Titanic...
Unfortunately I snapped the Deck
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's black and yellow and standing on my deck?
That's my s**... I'll paint him any color I want
the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good
But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck.
Edited: "All hands on deck!"
It's amazing how much difference swapping out an e for an i can make.
Wu Tang started an over coating company
their slogan is "protect ya deck!"
Someone asked me to Deck the Halls, so I did.
Mr and Mrs Hall were a bit miffed...
A ship's captain is running accross the deck....
He gets to the back overlooking the sea and starts undoing his pants. One of the crew sees this and asks him: "what in God's name are you doing sir?". The captain turns his head and says "I aft to pee".
TIL to never do magic tricks to rappers like Wu-Tang Clan.
Apparently they have some pretty Genius Methods for Inspecting your Deck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
'American Police' playing cards.
I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.
There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one s**... and fifty one clubs.
What's the difference between a girl and a gril?
One belongs on the deck, the other belongs in the kitchen.
Why do you have to remove your deck shoes when you go ashore in Germany?
Because they are for boatin'
I asked my wife, "How many baseball players could you handle?"
She said, "Three! One at bat, one on deck and one in the hole."
What is Irish and stays on your deck?
Patio furniture
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
What do you call it when you punch a box of breath mints?
Deck the Halls®
Why did the sailor get fired for cleaning the deck?
....he went overboard...
A woman gets on a double decker bus.
She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?
Why did the sailors dog hide below deck?
Because it was afraid if ruff seas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You're almost playing with a full deck.
However you're one j**....
Anyone can shuffle a sharp deck...
But the deck cuts you.
I visited a nudist beach and I must say I felt very uncomfortable.
Those deck chairs were awful.
I lost my friends after a heated game of Blackjack.
In hindsight, improvising with a Tarot deck was probably a bad idea.
Two Brits are lounging on the deck of a boat.
The first Brit says, "Good God sir, have you read Marx?"
The second Brit says, "Why yes, sir, I believe it's the wicker chairs."
A ramp asks a deck "yo deck, why weren't you at the ramp party?"
The deck says "I had no inclination"
Rehoming wiff very aside,
From sign holding on landing, hol on bc small does have plain showing
What steals. ...would?kindli s(h)errWIF GET IS DECK FOR ON?
Came up with this joke when i was 5. Why did the dinosaur fall in the paint?
Because he was painting his deck
Heres a skate joke I just though up, i think you might appreciate it ;)
Ingredients
1 Roll up
180º Bs Turn
Land middle of deck on coping
1 Roll away
That's a recipe for "diasaster"
Star Trek Enterprise's crew regularly visit this deck during for season's greetings.
Even in the cold expanse of space it is commonly understood that these are happly holodays.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
