Hilarious Fun Deck Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
Why can't pirates play poker?
because someone is always standing on the deck.
I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards.
I just can't deal with this.
Marriage.....
......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a s**...
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
What's Irish and sits on a deck?
Patty O'Furniture
How can you get four suits for under $2.00?
Buy a deck of cards.
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
A joke for pirate day.
A pirate ship's first mate comes up to the deck to find the ship's (steering) wheel missing. The first mate rushes to the captain of the ship, only to find the wheel in his pants.
The first mate asks, "Captain, did you know the ship's wheel is in your pants?"
"Aaarrrh," the pirate captain replied. "I know, it's driving me nuts!"
A deckhand comes up to the pirate captain.
"The cannons be ready, Captain," he reports.
*"Are,"* the captain scornfully replies.
What do you call an Irishman passed out on your deck?
p**... O'Furniture
What did the sea captain say when he saw the p**... waking up on the deck of his ship?
Aar... look at the h**... rizen!
You can explore deck porch reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean deck picard dad jokes. There are also deck puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.
When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.
Marriage
Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...
'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.
At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.
After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a s**...!'
What's the best side of the house to build a deck on?
The outside
Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls....
When they both suddenly die part way through the song.
They are reincarnated as a**...-less chaps. Jeff looks over and says: "Don, we now are gay apparel."
What's Irish and stays out on your deck?
p**... O'furniture
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
It's my wife's birthday soon.
She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.
What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?
They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
Mariage is like deck of cards
At first its like a diamond and heart. Then it turns into a club and s**....
How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards?
Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a s**....
The New Apple Card Deck only has 48 Cards
They left out the jacks
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
Why can't pirates play any card games?
Because someone's always on the deck!
Why cant you play cards on a rowboat?
Because you're sitting on the deck...
If you cut the grass around your deck ...
It makes your deck look bigger.
I bought a deck of glass playing cards...
It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship…
The first one asks, Have you read Marx?
The other one replies, Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.
A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.
It wasn't a big deal.
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn't been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...
They told me they were still dealing with my order...
What do you get when you stack 52 loaves of bread?
A deck of carbs.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds
Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a s**....
What is Irish and stays on your deck?
Patio furniture
The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)
Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck.
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because they were sitting on the deck.
As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.
The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
Noah was feeling bored on the Ark
His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"
Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.
He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.
His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,
"I ran out of worms."
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
A woman gets on a double decker bus.
She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?
For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.
I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
What brand of power tools does Chris Brown use?
Black and Deck Her
Marriage is like a deck of cards
You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a s**....
Why are pirates so bad at playing cards?
Because they are always standing on the deck
Where are all the Jews on the Starship Enterprise?
on the challah deck
When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.
I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.
In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.
It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.
One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?
A sailor walks into a bar
The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."
Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50
Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.
What has 13 hearts but no organs?
A deck of cards.
What do you call 52 slices of bread?
A deck of carbs!
All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.
It's a pretty big deal.
Marriage is like a deck of cards...
At the start you need a heart and a diamond. At the end you need a club and a s**....
I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards
They must have thought I was a taroist
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.
After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order.
How do ships flirt online?
They send deck pics.
My gf told me if I trimmed my bush it would make my deck bigger
She's been spending a lot of time with the landscaper so I'm guessing she learned it from him
An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.
They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.
"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist.
"Look, buddy, I have no idea what *we* are gonna do, but what *I'm* gonna do is move that hole 5 inches to the left on the blueprint."
Always use a proper deck of cards
A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died...
I'm not putting any Halloween or Christmas stuff in my yard this year.
I'm just going to stand on my back porch reciting the Gettysburg address. That will be my deck oration.
One thing I can't deal with..
is a deck of cards glued together.
Why can't pirates play cards?
Because they are always standing on the deck.
I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.
Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
What did the police do to the guy who murdered someone with a deck of cards?
They put him in solitaire confinement.
My pirate friends always bring a box of Q-tips to poker night.
The loser has to swab the deck.
You can never trust magicians
They might not be playing with a full deck
I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards.
Then I learned to deal with it.
God: Noah, it's time to build another boat.
Noah: Oh, so soon! But hey, you are the boss. So the same, animals, two by two?
God: Actually no. We forgot the fish last time so this time this will be just for the fish.
God (again): Also, build it with more than one deck.
Noah: Big boat, only fish and several levels. Got it boss!
God: And another thing. Not just any fish. I want only Carp on the new boat.
Noah: So, let me get this right God.
You want a "Multi Storey
Carp Ark!"....
Why do divers fall backwards off of boats?
Because if they fell forward they'd bang their heads on the deck.
My wife said marriage is like a deck of cards
In the beginning alls you need is two hearts, then in the end, alls you need is a club and a s**....
The pirate comes up onto the deck
The pirate comes up onto the deck and finds the captain.
"The cannons be ready, Sire!" announced the pirate.
The captain replies, "Are".
This joke was brought to you by the grammar police.
A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".
What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?
A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
The street magician
A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed participant replies "yes!" So the magician pulls the card on the bottom and asks "is this my card?" To which a now confused participant says "No, that's just a picture of... My coat?" The magician responds
"Oh s**... I did it wrong. That's your cardigan"
Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.
Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."
marriage is like a deck of cards
at the start you need a heart and a diamond, but by the end you wish you had a club and a s**....
My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.
why couldn't the pirates play cards?
the captain was stood on the deck
