Deck Jokes
167 deck jokes and hilarious deck puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deck that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud at these hilarious jokes about decks, from backyard decks to card decks to poop decks. Whether you're a sailor, a ferry passenger, or just standing on your porch, you can appreciate the humor of these silly deck jokes!
Quick Jump To
- Short Deck Jokes
- Deck One Liners
- Below Deck Jokes
- Card Deck Jokes
- Deck Of Cards Jokes
- Deck Cards Jokes
- More Deck Jokes
Funniest Deck Short Jokes
Short deck jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deck humour may include short cards jokes also.
- For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
- The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck. - I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order. - For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
- My gf told me if I trimmed my bush it would make my deck bigger She's been spending a lot of time with the landscaper so I'm guessing she learned it from him
- What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
- I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
- They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.
- I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.
- I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards. Then I learned to deal with it.
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Deck One Liners
Which deck one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deck? I can suggest the ones about board and dice.
- What do you call 52 slice of bread? A deck of carbs!
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
- I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
- What's Irish and sits on a deck? Patty O'Furniture
- How do ships flirt online? They send deck pics.
- I honestly cannot deal with puns. But I can with a deck of cards.
- What do you get when you stack 52 loaves of bread? A deck of carbs.
- Why are pirates so bad at playing cards? Because they are always standing on the deck
- Why can't pirates play poker? because someone is always standing on the deck.
- What brand of power tools does chris brown use? Black and Deck Her
- Why can't pirates play cards? Because they are always standing on the deck.
- What has 13 hearts but no organs? A deck of cards.
- Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck...
- I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this.
Below Deck Jokes
Here is a list of funny below deck jokes and even better below deck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office. Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
Doctor: "I'll deal with you later." - All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
- As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down. The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.
- I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist
- When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet. I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.
- What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common? They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
- Why do divers fall backwards off of boats? Because if they fell forward they'd bang their heads on the deck.
- My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards. Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.
- If you cut the grass around your deck ... It makes your deck look bigger.
- It's my wife's birthday soon. She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.
Card Deck Jokes
Here is a list of funny card deck jokes and even better card deck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How can you get four suits for under $2.00? Buy a deck of cards.
- What did the police do to the guy who murdered someone with a deck of cards? They put him in solitaire confinement.
- The New Apple Card Deck only has 48 Cards They left out the jacks
- Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck. - What's the difference between a deck of cards and England? A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
- Always use a proper deck of cards A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died... - Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: He was sitting on the deck. - why couldn't the pirates play cards? the captain was stood on the deck
- I bought a deck of glass playing cards... It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.
- Why can't pirates play any card games? Because someone's always on the deck!
Deck Of Cards Jokes
Here is a list of funny deck of cards jokes and even better deck of cards puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One thing I can't deal with.. is a deck of cards glued together.
- A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
- Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: He was sitting on the deck. - A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards. A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.
- Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games? His poker decks.
- Why couldn't the sailors play cards Because they were standing on the deck
- I was playing cards with my friend and lost. I got so mad, I decked him in the face.
- A patient walks into a doctors office... "Doctor Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!" says the patient
"Sit down I'll deal with you later" he replies. - Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: The captain was sitting on the deck. - Why didn't they ever play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck
Deck Cards Jokes
Here is a list of funny deck cards jokes and even better deck cards puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This bellboy at this hotel must be really keen for his tips... ...I asked him for a deck of playing cards and it took 52 trips to get them to me.
- Why can't you use a deck of cards that's been shuffled? It's out of order.
- I saw my friend sat on the deck drinking some wine. "Hey, buddy!" I shouted. "You're ruining my cards."
- The way I make magic in the bedroom is... ... with a deck of cards.
- There's a new drinking game... You draw a random card from a deck & if it's black you take a shot....
We call it "Ferguson" - Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck, YARRRRRRRRRR!
- All I got for my birthday was a lousy deck of sticky playing cards. I find it very difficult to deal with.
- Do you know how you can get four brand new, fancy suits for tree fiddy? Buy a deck of cards!
- My friend asked me if I wanted to play with his deck of cards... "But you don't even have a full deck!"
"Just deal with it" - What has 13 hearts, but no other organs? A deck of playing cards.
Hilarious Fun Deck Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about deck you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drawer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deck pranks.
Marriage.....
......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a s**...
What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards?
In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond.
Later on, a club and a s**....
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
A joke for pirate day.
A pirate ship's first mate comes up to the deck to find the ship's (steering) wheel missing. The first mate rushes to the captain of the ship, only to find the wheel in his pants.
The first mate asks, "Captain, did you know the ship's wheel is in your pants?"
"Aaarrrh," the pirate captain replied. "I know, it's driving me nuts!"
A deckhand comes up to the pirate captain.
"The cannons be ready, Captain," he reports.
*"Are,"* the captain scornfully replies.
What do you call an Irishman passed out on your deck?
p**... O'Furniture
What did the sea captain say when he saw the p**... waking up on the deck of his ship?
Aar... look at the h**... rizen!
A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..
The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.
The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.
The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.
Marriage
Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...
'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.
At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.
After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a s**...!'
What do you call an epileptic in a deck chair?
A transformer.
The Bat family were playing a game of "old maid" with a poker deck...
Needless to say it was a never ending game. Everyone wanted the joker.
What's the best side of the house to build a deck on?
The outside
Why do Jews never deck the halls on christmas?
Because of the holly cost.
Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls....
When they both suddenly die part way through the song.
They are reincarnated as a**...-less chaps. Jeff looks over and says: "Don, we now are gay apparel."
What's Irish and stays out on your deck?
p**... O'furniture
How do you test a pirate for c**...?
Swab the deck!
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
Mariage is like deck of cards
At first its like a diamond and heart. Then it turns into a club and s**....
the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good
But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck.
How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards?
Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a s**....
Someone asked me to Deck the Halls, so I did.
Mr and Mrs Hall were a bit miffed...
A ship's captain is running accross the deck....
He gets to the back overlooking the sea and starts undoing his pants. One of the crew sees this and asks him: "what in God's name are you doing sir?". The captain turns his head and says "I aft to pee".
'American Police' playing cards.
I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.
There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one s**... and fifty one clubs.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship…
The first one asks, Have you read Marx?
The other one replies, Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.
Why do you have to remove your deck shoes when you go ashore in Germany?
Because they are for boatin'
Why can't pirates play UNO?
They're always standing on the deck.
Why couldn't the pirate play poker?
Because he was standing in the deck
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn't been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...
They told me they were still dealing with my order...
I asked my wife, "How many baseball players could you handle?"
She said, "Three! One at bat, one on deck and one in the hole."
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds
Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a s**....
What is Irish and stays on your deck?
Patio furniture
Why were the group of sailors unable to play Poker?
Because they are all standing on the deck.
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
Noah was feeling bored on the Ark
His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"
Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.
He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.
His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,
"I ran out of worms."
Why did the sailor get fired for cleaning the deck?
....he went overboard...
A woman gets on a double decker bus.
She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?
Why did the sailors dog hide below deck?
Because it was afraid if ruff seas.
You're almost playing with a full deck.
However you're one j**....
Marriage is like a deck of cards
You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a s**....
A new deckhand on a British ship during the naval war against France (1779)
-Captain! They just raised a white flag! What does that mean?
-It means they're french. Fire at will.
Where are all the Jews on the Starship Enterprise?
on the challah deck
A large battleship has taken damage and is sinking...
The captain gathers everyone on deck and explains the situation, and solemnly asks if anyone knows any good prayers. The yeoman steps up and says that years of seminary have made him and the Lord really close and he has just a prayer for this situation.
The captain says "Good, you get to stay behind we only have enough life jackets for everyone else."
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.
In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.
It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.
One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?
I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.
She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn't have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes
I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.
I just made it up after a couple of glasses
A sailor walks into a bar
The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."
Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50
Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.
Marriage is like a deck of cards...
At the start you need a heart and a diamond. At the end you need a club and a s**....
