Deck Cards Jokes
70 deck cards jokes and hilarious deck cards puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deck cards that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Deck Cards Short Jokes
Short deck cards jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deck cards humour may include short card deck jokes also.
- For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
- The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck. - I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order. - What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
- I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
- They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.
- I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards. Then I learned to deal with it.
- Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office. Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
Doctor: "I'll deal with you later." - I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist
- When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet. I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.
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Deck Cards One Liners
Which deck cards one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deck cards? I can suggest the ones about deck of cards and playing cards.
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
- I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
- I honestly cannot deal with puns. But I can with a deck of cards.
- What has 13 hearts but no organs? A deck of cards.
- I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this.
- How can you get four suits for under $2.00? Buy a deck of cards.
- The New Apple Card Deck only has 48 Cards They left out the jacks
- One thing I can't deal with.. is a deck of cards glued together.
- Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games? His poker decks.
- I was playing cards with my friend and lost. I got so mad, I decked him in the face.
- Why didn't they ever play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck
- Why can't you use a deck of cards that's been shuffled? It's out of order.
- The way I make magic in the bedroom is... ... with a deck of cards.
- Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck, YARRRRRRRRRR!
- I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.
Witty Deck Cards Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about deck cards you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pokemon cards jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deck cards pranks.
I was at this party the other day...
...and one of my buddies decided to have me do a magic trick to "liven up the crowd."
So I took a brand new deck of cards and asked for a single, female volunteer. I found the hottest one in the room and got her on the coffee table "stage," asked her if we knew each other in real life, if the deck was new, yatta yatta yatta.
She said yes and I opened the deck and a sharpie marker.
"Write your name on whatever card you pick," I said, and paused as she wrote it down, "And your phone number. I promise this is leading somewhere." Another pause, and she agrees.
Taking the card from her, I held it up in the air and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I just got the number of the hottest girl in the room. MAGIC."
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
I ate a whole deck of cards...:(
Now i'm playing 52 card throw up
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
I've just bought you all a deck of cards.
Deal with it.
A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards.
A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.
a magician has a show on a cruiseboat..
So this magician has gotten himself a gig at a cruiseship.
When the ship is out on the open sea the show starts featuring himself and his parrot.
He is performing his first trick a TADAAA a whole deck of cards flips out thin air. the parrot shrieks loudly "those cards were in his left jacketsleeve, they were in his left jacketsleeve!"
Ok well, time for trick #2, the magician pulls a whole bouquet of flowers out of his hat and the parrot start shrieking "those flowers were in his pockets, those flowers were in his pockets!"
The magician reacts a bit annoyed by the parrot spoiling all his tricks, but he doesn't have alot of time to be angry, because the ship capsizes, drowns, and everyone on board is dead.
Except the magician and his parrot. They are floating on a piece of wreckage and just sort of look awkwardly at each other untill finally the parrot says "Ok fine, I give up, where is that boat?"
There's a new drinking game...
You draw a random card from a deck & if it's black you take a shot....
We call it "Ferguson"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska.....
And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else.
Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks "Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"
The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers "That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"
Confused and growing concerned, the pilot asks "Don't....don't we need a gun, matches, fire starter, bullets and water to survive?"
The vet looks at him as replies "No man. If you ever c**..., just pull out the deck of cards and start playing solitaire. Eventually someone will show up and tell you that you're playing it wrong."
A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..
The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.
The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.
The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards
Just sit down and I'll deal with you later
A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert? he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you? asked the scout master.
Davey replied, A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.
Why is that, Davey? asked the scout master.
Well, answered Davey, the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration.
And what about the deck of cards? asked the scout master impatiently.
Davey replied, Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten.'
A patient walks into a doctors office...
"Doctor Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!" says the patient
"Sit down I'll deal with you later" he replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in a plane c**... and washes up on a deserted island...
He's there for weeks, and is nearly losing hope. Finally one day, a box floats up onto the beach: RESCUE KIT. He's ecstatically excited, thinking he's finally free. But when he opens it up, all there is is a deck of cards. He breaks down sobbing, thinking "How ridiculous! What kind of rescue kit is this!?"
But later he gets bored. He deals out a game of solitaire on a rock and starts playing. Not even two minutes go by when a man is standing behind him. "Hey, put the red 8 on the black 9".
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
'American Police' playing cards.
I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.
There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one s**... and fifty one clubs.
I bought a deck of glass playing cards...
It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.
I saw my friend sat on the deck drinking some wine.
"Hey, buddy!" I shouted. "You're ruining my cards."
You could say that the Joker is a few cards short of a deck
53 cards short to be precise.
My friend asked me if I wanted to play with his deck of cards...
"But you don't even have a full deck!"
"Just deal with it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
Do you know how you can get four brand new, fancy suits for tree fiddy?
Buy a deck of cards!
This bellboy at this hotel must be really keen for his tips...
...I asked him for a deck of playing cards and it took 52 trips to get them to me.
At work today I brought my team new markers, crafting paper, decks of cards, and snacks
They didn't know I was coming, so I jumped out and yelled SUPPLIES!!
(We work in Children's mental health and everyone got a kick out of it)
Always use a proper deck of cards
A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died...
What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?
A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The street magician
A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed participant replies "yes!" So the magician pulls the card on the bottom and asks "is this my card?" To which a now confused participant says "No, that's just a picture of... My coat?" The magician responds
"Oh s**... I did it wrong. That's your cardigan"
My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.