Decision Jokes

Following is our collection of mulls puns and judgment one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Decision jokes for adults, dirty verdict jokes and clean determination dad gags for kids.

The Best Decision Puns

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

When I'm at a bar

I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever!

Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!


Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...

The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so stupid. Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."

"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."


Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."

The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...

Easiest decision of my life..

There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.


A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

Two friends meet after a long time.

and begin catching up on old times.

Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"

Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."

Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."

Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."

A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach

He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."

After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."

"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.

"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.

"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.

Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.

"I wish to donate a kidney."

I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi

After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful"

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
.

.

.

.

Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?' So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.

The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"

The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"

Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.

That's my decision, and it's vinyl.

I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early

I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work

What does a 4 year old gender fluid child and a vegan cat have in common?

We both know who's making the decision...

The kind of woman that ya make your wife.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

My friend decided to get a tattoo of Pi on his face.

It was an irrational decision.

What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?"

"A choice" is a decision you make.

"To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.

Having your neck fused is a huge decision...

...but once you do it, you'll never look back.

TIL that curling used to be coed...

But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.

When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision

You've gotta sleep on it.

During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy

The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

My new girlfriend said I'll have to wait 6 months before we have sex .

I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.

If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...

....that would be a reservation reservation reservation

-credit to Brian Regan

Who didn't allow the gorilla into the ballet?

The people in charge of that decision.

If you were to second guess your decision on booking a trip to a Native American community...

That would be a reservation reservation reservation!

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I'm very determined.

Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.

Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

5 Jokes About Pi

1. Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi

2. I saw a movie and gave it a 3.1415 out of 5.
It was Life of Pi

3. My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision

4. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table?
Sir Cumference . but how did he get that way?
eating too much Pi.

5. I hate all these Pi jokes.
They go on forever.

With that last one I'll show myself the door.

The Emperor Nero was struggling with deciding his gender.

He spent months waffling back and forth until finally in July of AD 64 he decided to make his decision public.

Everything in Rome was fine until that gender reveal party.

My friend doesn't know if he wants the new Xbox X or PS5

A couple of us have tried giving him advice but he's still very troubled about the decision. Nobody can console him.

Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff

They said it was a joint decision.

A couple decided to get married on 4/20.

It was a 'joint' decision.

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"

I am really proud of my self this morning..

Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.

I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!

My wife gave me an ultimatum today - it was her or my shameless addiction.

The decision was a piece of cake.

I made an irrational decision today...

I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.

I had to make a difficult decision when arrested at the border on the way to Mecca...

I was caught between Iraq and a Hajj place.

Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

So I bought a bottle of scotch from the store and put in my bicycle basket....

I decided that I would drink the scotch before going cycling back home because the bottle might break.

It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell multiple times on my way home.

As of today, possession of mirrors will be outlawed.

This decision comes after a lot of reflection.

My friend had his bags stolen on his flight

he arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.

He lost his case!

Turns out I need glasses for reading...

So I made the difficult decision to stop reading.

Should use this moon stone on my Jigglypuff?

I can't decide, it is such a Tuff decision

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) "you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision".

Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.

Cole's law: A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don't expect a Spanish Link decision

"Doctor, I've decided to get a vasectomy"

The doctor said, "Mr. Smith, this is a serious decision. Have you talked it over with your wife and children?"

"Oh, yes," Mr. Smith replied. "They're in favor of it 15 to 2."

I once saw someone pouring water on their phone.

All I could think was water pour decision it was.

Man: "Doctor I want to do the vasectomy. Could you help me?"

Doctor: "Well... thats a hard decision... Did you talk with your family to see what they think about it?"

Man: "Yes and the result was 16-9"

Kanye & Kim were discussing their decision to name their child North West

They agreed that next time they would fly with Virgin

I wasn't sure if I should go to the STI clinic or not.

I didn't want to make a rash decision.

I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break.

Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.

Stay neglectful my friends

I adopted 3 kids recently and named them after my favorite beers; Bud Light, Miller Light, and Dos Equis. I work long days and am occasionally allowed to bring one child with me to the office. When faced with the decision of which child to take with me to work I always pick Dos Equis, because I don't always watch my kids but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.

"Mr. Obama, how exactly does someone impeach a president?" "The american people have made their decision. To suggest we impeach a president before he's had a chance is an outrage! Regardless of your opinions and the flawed system we're under the election was held fair and square...

...Now would you *please* stop asking that, Mr. Trump?"

What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community?

That's a reservation reservation reservation.

(Credit to Brian Regan)

What color are your panties, babe?

Boy: What color are your panties, babe?

Girl: Why do you keep asking me stupid questions, don't you ever think about anything else?

Boy: Ok, do you think the republicans should support the congress with their decision to raise the debt ceiling ?

Girl:You know i am wearing your favourite purple lace panties..You want a pic?

My ex- girlfriend is an accountant and she cheated on me with her boss to get a raise. She regretted her decision and texted me begging me to take her back.

I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."

So there comes a time in every married couple's life where the big question is asked.

So the husband turns to his wife and asks "Honey, do you want kids?"

The wife responds with "I'm not sure?"

After an hour of careful consideration and thought, the two came to a decision.

"So, we don't want kids." Said the husband. The wife agreed.

So they turned to their son and daughter, picked them up and kicked them out the door.

In spite of my anger, I decided not to bring my wetsuit to the beach.

It was a rash decision.

When I was a boy...

"I was walking along a street and happened to spy a cart full of watermelons. I was fond of watermelon, so I sneaked quietly on the cart and snitched one. I then ran into a nearby alley and sank my teeth into the melon.

No sooner had I done so, however, than a strange feeling came over me. Without a moment's hesitation, I made my decision. I walked back to the cart, replaced the melon -

And took a ripe one."
-Mark Twain

What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

Zeroing a scale is a tare-able decision

.
.
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I'm sorry

My friend asked for advice on buying a bed

I told him "before you make a decision, you should sleep on it"

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

Have you ever seen the serial number that is printed on every condom?

No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...

Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.

There is an abundance of compassion jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes and decision puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any consideration witze you can hear about decision.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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