Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Decision Jokes and Friends
What color are your p**..., babe?
Boy: What color are your p**..., babe?
Girl: Why do you keep asking me s**... questions, don't you ever think about anything else?
Boy: Ok, do you think the republicans should support the congress with their decision to raise the debt ceiling ?
Girl:You know i am wearing your favourite purple lace p**.....You want a pic?
Who didn't allow the gorilla into the ballet?
The people in charge of that decision.
A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
If you were to second guess your decision on booking a trip to a Native American community...
That would be a reservation reservation reservation!
TIL that curling used to be coed...
But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.
I had to make a difficult decision when arrested at the border on the way to Mecca...
I was caught between Iraq and a Hajj place.
Two friends meet after a long time.
and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."
My friend decided to get a tattoo of Pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision.
There was an International Job opening.
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
Abdul Ali was seriously injured in a car c**... & he has been on life support.
Today his family had to make an agonizing decision.
They closed the shop to visit him.......
What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?"
"A choice" is a decision you make.
"To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
You can explore decision mulls reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean decision verdict dad jokes. There are also decision puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I am really proud of my self this morning..
Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.
I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!
During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy
The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."
Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) "you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision".
Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.
A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...
As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"
If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...
....that would be a reservation reservation reservation
-credit to Brian Regan
DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.
When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."
Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......
....what happens next will shock you."
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
Having your neck fused is a huge decision...
...but once you do it, you'll never look back.
The kind of woman that ya make your wife.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.
It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".
When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision
You've gotta sleep on it.
Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016
Sure showed them
I chopped the clock in half.
It was a split second decision.
People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.
The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.
When I'm at a bar
I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
I made an irrational decision today...
I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.
Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time
I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves
Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful"
Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
.
.
.
.
Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...
I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...
Easiest decision of my life..
I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi
After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen
My new girlfriend said I'll have to wait 6 months before we have s**... .
I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.
Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...
Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.
I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever!
Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!
Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...
They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.
My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff
They said it was a joint decision.
A couple decided to get married on 4/20.
It was a 'joint' decision.
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I'm very determined.
Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.
Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.
That's my decision, and it's vinyl.
My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...
It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.
5 Jokes About Pi
1. Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi
2. I saw a movie and gave it a 3.1415 out of 5.
It was Life of Pi
3. My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision
4. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table?
Sir Cumference . but how did he get that way?
eating too much Pi.
5. I hate all these Pi jokes.
They go on forever.
With that last one I'll show myself the door.
Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.
Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.
What does a 4 year old gender fluid child and a vegan cat have in common?
We both know who's making the decision...
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
So I bought a bottle of scotch from the store and put in my bicycle basket....
I decided that I would drink the scotch before going cycling back home because the bottle might break.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell multiple times on my way home.
I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.
I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.
When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
A r**... couple, both bona fide r**..., had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets
Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky
On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky
So I decided to drink it all at once right there
It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
My friend doesn't know if he wants the new Xbox X or PS5
A couple of us have tried giving him advice but he's still very troubled about the decision. Nobody can console him.
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..
We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early
I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The Emperor Nero was struggling with deciding his gender.
He spent months waffling back and forth until finally in July of AD 64 he decided to make his decision public.
Everything in Rome was fine until that gender reveal party.
I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?' So I drank it all before I cycled home.
That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.
My wife gave me an ultimatum today - it was her or my shameless addiction.
The decision was a piece of cake.
A mosquito landed on my b**...
Hardest decision of my life.
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...
I got a bottle of v**... and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the v**... and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
In the Cars movie series, they have a place called Radiator Springs.
Now, radiators are vital components in cars, so I find it's a very weird name decision for a city.
Its like calling a human city "Liver pool".
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
Went to the off license on my bike last night and bought a bottle of v**...
Just before I was to leave I thought, what if I fall off my bike and smash it, so I drank it right there. Turned out to be a good decision as I fell off my bike seven times on my way home.
I decided to e**... baked beans through my nose.
In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.
A man went to a doctor to get a vasectomy...
The doctor tells him this a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your family?
He responds, yes I have. They're in favor 13 to 3.
Policeman: How could you kill...
...69 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.
I've decided I don't want to get married or have kids
I thought my family would be supportive of my decision, but my wife and kids did not take it well
My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.
It was the wurst decision of his life
I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.
The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?
I said, "Yes, they're in favor 14 to 3.."
My wife and I have given a lot of thought on this...
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I bumped into an old mate of mine yesterday
I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He immediately started showing off, talking about him being an excellent writter and the book he recently launched.
Continuing to show off, he said, "My book has sold 1000 copies till date."
I said, "And how many copies did you buy?."
He said, "Not even one, hahaha jealous much?"
I said, "Wise decision nonetheless."
My wife gave me an ultimatum.
It was her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision
It helps you reflect.
Think it Over
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah," said the man, "They're in favor of it, 15-to-2."
Why did the physician decide to go into dermatology?
No reason, it was really more of a rash decision.
I've made the decision I'm not going to have kids.
They are gonna be p**... off when I tell them.
Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.
He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his s**... and is refusing to wear any clothes.
As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.
What is Roe versus Wade?
A: the decision General Washington made before crossing the Delaware.
My anti-vaxxer friend told me of his plan to deliberately catch chickenpox.
I have no idea what would cause him to make such a rash decision.
I asked my dermatologist why she waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder
she replied she's reluctant to make a rash decision
Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.
Roe vs Wade
Trump visits a pig farm.
Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.
"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.
Finally the editor makes the decision.
The caption is "The third from left - President Trump."
I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.
I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.
I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said well now, that's a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?
I said yeah, and they're in favor 14-3.
I went to the liquor store on a bike once
I bought a bottle of an expensive scotch, but I was worried I would tip over on my bike on my way home, and break the bottle. So instead, I drank the entire bottle before I got on the bike. Turned out to be a very good decision, as I tipped over at least 10 times on my way home.
I love women with tattoos
It shows a history of poor decision making which generally works in my favor.
Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.
So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.
I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.
[crickets]
In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line.
The decision left many scratching their heads.
