Decision Jokes

130 decision jokes and hilarious decision puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about decision that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you ever have trouble making decisions? This article explores the lighter side of decision making with hilarious decision jokes. Read examples of bad decisions along with jokes about deciding to stay single and mulling things over!

Funniest Decision Short Jokes

Short decision jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The decision humour may include short deciding jokes also.

  1. Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."
  2. The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately… One could almost say they've been acting Ruth-lessly.
  3. I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.
  4. My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother.. We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
  5. When I'm at a bar I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
  6. I can't stand abortions I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
  7. In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line. The decision left many scratching their heads.
  8. I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever! Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!
  9. Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves
  10. Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate... They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

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Decision One Liners

Which decision one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with decision? I can suggest the ones about choice and decides.

  1. I chopped the clock in half. It was a split second decision.
  2. Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
  3. Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions ^jk ^lol
  4. Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision. Roe vs Wade
  5. A mosquito landed on my wife's face... Easiest decision of my life..
  6. Why did no one trust the dermatologist? He kept making rash decisions.
  7. My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life
  8. Not to brag or anything but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
  9. Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016 Sure showed them
  10. Keep away from professional dermatologists.. They make rash decisions
  11. My friend decided to get a tattoo of Pi on his face. It was an irrational decision.
  12. The day I let a dog make decisions for me ....Is the day I go blind.
  13. When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision You've gotta sleep on it.
  14. Who didn't allow the gorilla into the ballet? The people in charge of that decision.
  15. I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions.

Decision Making Jokes

Here is a list of funny decision making jokes and even better decision making puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body. Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!
  • Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions." Me: "Take the next left."
  • The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy. I need to quit making rash decisions.
  • Apparently, exercise improves your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
  • What does a 4 year old gender fluid child and a vegan cat have in common? We both know who's making the decision...
  • What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?" "A choice" is a decision you make.
    "To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
  • I asked my dermatologist why she waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder she replied she's reluctant to make a rash decision
  • "I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said. "Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."
  • Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content Then again, I've seen Stranger Things
  • Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions? They can't trust their gut

Bad Decision Jokes

Here is a list of funny bad decision jokes and even better bad decision puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Asexual reproduction is reproduction with only one party And lots of alcohol and bad decisions
  • At this point in my life... At this point in my life, i drink so i can smoke and I smoke after the bad decisions i made wile drinking, then I drink to forget that I am dying of lung cancer.
  • Did you hear about the woman who blew all her money on powerball tickets? She made a lotto bad decisions....
  • In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year... Coz hindsight is 2020.
  • My mom Last year my mom shoud have celebrated her 60th birthday. But because of alcohol, smoking, drugs and other bad decisions, we all forgot...
  • women tend to make bad decisions when they're around me... if they chose me instead it would be the best decision of their lives!
  • If I had a dollar for every time Greece made a bad economical decision Their economy would still be failing.
  • For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.
  • What do you call a pannacotta tattoo? A bad life decision.
    Why would you do that?
  • I've been making bad decisions lately and hooking up with tons of ugly people. I know it's not healthy, but my life is a joke and comedy comes in threes.
Decision joke, I've been making bad decisions lately and hooking up with tons of ugly people.

Regretted Decision Jokes

Here is a list of funny regretted decision jokes and even better regretted decision puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions They shouldn't have followed the Heard
  • I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted. I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.
  • If a women regrets her decisions and a man never regrets his. Then what happens to the t**...?

Important Decision Jokes

Here is a list of funny important decision jokes and even better important decision puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Your wife and boss are drowning and you have an important decision to make: Coke or pepsi?
  • A friend told me m**... before important decisions helps.. You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..
Decision joke, A friend told me m**... before important decisions helps..

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Decision Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about decision you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean outcome jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make decision pranks.

Hair Fragrance

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach

He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

TIL that curling used to be coed...

But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.

Two friends meet after a long time.

and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."

There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.

During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy

The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"

If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...

....that would be a reservation reservation reservation
-credit to Brian Regan

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

Having your neck fused is a huge decision...

...but once you do it, you'll never look back.

The kind of woman that ya make your wife.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

How dare you question the decisions of someone just because she's a woman!

Why do men give their p**... names?

Because they don't want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"
The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.
"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful"

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi

After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen

My new girlfriend said I'll have to wait 6 months before we have s**... .

I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.

That's my decision, and it's vinyl.

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...

The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky
On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky
So I decided to drink it all at once right there
It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early

I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?' So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of v**... and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the v**... and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

Teacher: "Billy, can you give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?"

Billy: "Trump should have responded to the COVID-19 outbreak quickly and decisively but it took the contagious"

In the Cars movie series, they have a place called Radiator Springs.

Now, radiators are vital components in cars, so I find it's a very weird name decision for a city.
Its like calling a human city "Liver pool".

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

Went to the off license on my bike last night and bought a bottle of v**...

Just before I was to leave I thought, what if I fall off my bike and smash it, so I drank it right there. Turned out to be a good decision as I fell off my bike seven times on my way home.

Policeman: How could you kill...

...69 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.

I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.

The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?
I said, "Yes, they're in favor 14 to 3.."

My wife and I have given a lot of thought on this...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

Why did the physician decide to go into dermatology?

No reason, it was really more of a rash decision.

I've made the decision I'm not going to have kids.

They are gonna be p**... off when I tell them.

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his s**... and is refusing to wear any clothes.
As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.

What is Roe versus Wade?

A: the decision General Washington made before crossing the Delaware.

I went to the liquor store on a bike once

I bought a bottle of an expensive scotch, but I was worried I would tip over on my bike on my way home, and break the bottle. So instead, I drank the entire bottle before I got on the bike. Turned out to be a very good decision, as I tipped over at least 10 times on my way home.

Decision joke, I went to the liquor store on a bike once

jokes about decision