Following is our collection of mulls puns and judgment one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Decision jokes for adults, dirty verdict jokes and clean determination dad gags for kids.
....what happens next will shock you."
I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!
I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves
They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky
On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky
So I decided to drink it all at once right there
It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It was a split second decision.
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so stupid. Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.
Easiest decision of my life..
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".
and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen
It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
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Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."
That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.
As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"
Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.
That's my decision, and it's vinyl.
I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work
We both know who's making the decision...
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."
Sure showed them
It was an irrational decision.
"A choice" is a decision you make.
"To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
...but once you do it, you'll never look back.
But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.
You've gotta sleep on it.
The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."
I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.
....that would be a reservation reservation reservation
-credit to Brian Regan
The people in charge of that decision.
That would be a reservation reservation reservation!
Me: I'm very determined.
Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
1. Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi
2. I saw a movie and gave it a 3.1415 out of 5.
It was Life of Pi
3. My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision
4. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table?
Sir Cumference . but how did he get that way?
eating too much Pi.
5. I hate all these Pi jokes.
They go on forever.
With that last one I'll show myself the door.
He spent months waffling back and forth until finally in July of AD 64 he decided to make his decision public.
Everything in Rome was fine until that gender reveal party.
A couple of us have tried giving him advice but he's still very troubled about the decision. Nobody can console him.
When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.
They said it was a joint decision.
It was a 'joint' decision.
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.
I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!
The decision was a piece of cake.
I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.
I was caught between Iraq and a Hajj place.
Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision
The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
I decided that I would drink the scotch before going cycling back home because the bottle might break.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell multiple times on my way home.
This decision comes after a lot of reflection.
he arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.
He lost his case!
So I made the difficult decision to stop reading.
I can't decide, it is such a Tuff decision
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
And filed for divorce
Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.
Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.
Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.
Cole's law: A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.
They don't expect a Spanish Link decision
The doctor said, "Mr. Smith, this is a serious decision. Have you talked it over with your wife and children?"
"Oh, yes," Mr. Smith replied. "They're in favor of it 15 to 2."
All I could think was water pour decision it was.
Doctor: "Well... thats a hard decision... Did you talk with your family to see what they think about it?"
Man: "Yes and the result was 16-9"
They agreed that next time they would fly with Virgin
I didn't want to make a rash decision.
Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.
I adopted 3 kids recently and named them after my favorite beers; Bud Light, Miller Light, and Dos Equis. I work long days and am occasionally allowed to bring one child with me to the office. When faced with the decision of which child to take with me to work I always pick Dos Equis, because I don't always watch my kids but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
...Now would you *please* stop asking that, Mr. Trump?"
Row v. Wade
That's a reservation reservation reservation.
(Credit to Brian Regan)
Boy: What color are your panties, babe?
Girl: Why do you keep asking me stupid questions, don't you ever think about anything else?
Boy: Ok, do you think the republicans should support the congress with their decision to raise the debt ceiling ?
Girl:You know i am wearing your favourite purple lace panties..You want a pic?
I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."
So the husband turns to his wife and asks "Honey, do you want kids?"
The wife responds with "I'm not sure?"
After an hour of careful consideration and thought, the two came to a decision.
"So, we don't want kids." Said the husband. The wife agreed.
So they turned to their son and daughter, picked them up and kicked them out the door.
It was a rash decision.
"I was walking along a street and happened to spy a cart full of watermelons. I was fond of watermelon, so I sneaked quietly on the cart and snitched one. I then ran into a nearby alley and sank my teeth into the melon.
No sooner had I done so, however, than a strange feeling came over me. Without a moment's hesitation, I made my decision. I walked back to the cart, replaced the melon -
And took a ripe one."
-Mark Twain
He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth
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I'm sorry
I told him "before you make a decision, you should sleep on it"
Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision
No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...
Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.
There is an abundance of compassion jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes and decision puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any consideration witze you can hear about decision.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.