Decision Jokes
121 decision jokes and hilarious decision puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about decision that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you ever have trouble making decisions? This article explores the lighter side of decision making with hilarious decision jokes. Read examples of bad decisions along with jokes about deciding to stay single and mulling things over!
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Funniest Decision Short Jokes
Short decision jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The decision humour may include short choice jokes also.
- The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately… One could almost say they've been acting Ruth-lessly.
- My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother.. We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
- In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line. The decision left many scratching their heads.
- I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever! Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!
- Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate... They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.
- The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions They shouldn't have followed the Heard
- I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body. Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!
- I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted. I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.
- Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions." Me: "Take the next left."
- Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision... Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.
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Decision One Liners
Which decision one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with decision? I can suggest the ones about decides and outcome.
- I chopped the clock in half. It was a split second decision.
- Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions ^jk ^lol
- Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision. Roe vs Wade
- A mosquito landed on my wife's face... Easiest decision of my life..
- Why did no one trust the dermatologist? He kept making rash decisions.
- My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life
- Not to brag or anything but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
- Keep away from professional dermatologists.. They make rash decisions
- My friend decided to get a tattoo of Pi on his face. It was an irrational decision.
- The day I let a dog make decisions for me ....Is the day I go blind.
- When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision You've gotta sleep on it.
- Who didn't allow the gorilla into the ballet? The people in charge of that decision.
- I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions.
- My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff They said it was a joint decision.
- A couple decided to get married on 4/20. It was a 'joint' decision.
Decision Making Jokes
Here is a list of funny decision making jokes and even better decision making puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy. I need to quit making rash decisions.
- Apparently, exercise improves your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
- What does a 4 year old gender fluid child and a vegan cat have in common? We both know who's making the decision...
- I asked my dermatologist why she waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder she replied she's reluctant to make a rash decision
- "I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said. "Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."
- Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content Then again, I've seen Stranger Things
- Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions? They can't trust their gut
- Interviewer: What is your greatest strength? Me: I'm very determined.
Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then. - Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself. When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.
- I couldn't figure out which lotion to use for my skin condition. I tried asking my doctor... He just said "I don't wanna make any rash decisions ."
Bad Decision Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad decision jokes and even better bad decision puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Asexual reproduction is reproduction with only one party And lots of alcohol and bad decisions
- Did you hear about the woman who blew all her money on powerball tickets? She made a lotto bad decisions....
- In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year... Coz hindsight is 2020.
- What do you call a pannacotta tattoo? A bad life decision.
Why would you do that? - D and C decided to have a kid. They had a boy and named him decision. And when their child started doing drugs, they knew it was a bad decision.
- I decided to stop drinking... To find out which version of me is making all of these bad decisions
Important Decision Jokes
Here is a list of funny important decision jokes and even better important decision puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Your wife and boss are drowning and you have an important decision to make: Coke or pepsi?
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Decision Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about decision you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean verdict jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make decision pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hair Fragrance
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
What "being a man" is about
A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".
TIL that curling used to be coed...
But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.
Two friends meet after a long time.
and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."
There was an International Job opening.
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt.
I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...
....that would be a reservation reservation reservation
-credit to Brian Regan
DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.
When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
Having your neck fused is a huge decision...
...but once you do it, you'll never look back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The kind of woman that ya make your wife.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do men give their p**... names?
Because they don't want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016
Sure showed them
People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.
The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.
A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"
The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.
"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I'm at a bar
I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi
After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My new girlfriend said I'll have to wait 6 months before we have s**... .
I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.
That's my decision, and it's vinyl.
My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...
It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.
5 Jokes About Pi
1. Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi
2. I saw a movie and gave it a 3.1415 out of 5.
It was Life of Pi
3. My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision
4. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table?
Sir Cumference . but how did he get that way?
eating too much Pi.
5. I hate all these Pi jokes.
They go on forever.
With that last one I'll show myself the door.
Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.
Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
Remember past mistakes and never trust the voters to make good decisions...
Southern Biscuits and Gravy was actually a finalist in the Lay's Chip Contest
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
My friend doesn't know if he wants the new Xbox X or PS5
A couple of us have tried giving him advice but he's still very troubled about the decision. Nobody can console him.
I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early
I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The Emperor Nero was struggling with deciding his gender.
He spent months waffling back and forth until finally in July of AD 64 he decided to make his decision public.
Everything in Rome was fine until that gender reveal party.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.
Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mosquito landed on my b**...
Hardest decision of my life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
Teacher: "Billy, can you give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?"
Billy: "Trump should have responded to the COVID-19 outbreak quickly and decisively but it took the contagious"
In the Cars movie series, they have a place called Radiator Springs.
Now, radiators are vital components in cars, so I find it's a very weird name decision for a city.
Its like calling a human city "Liver pool".
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.
The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?
I said, "Yes, they're in favor 14 to 3.."
Key to a successful marriage
A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband was asked what was the secret to their marriage. He replied, When we first got married, we agreed that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small decisions. So far it's been all small decisions.
My wife gave me an ultimatum.
It was her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen lose their oars
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
Why did the physician decide to go into dermatology?
No reason, it was really more of a rash decision.
I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.
I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've made the decision I'm not going to have kids.
They are gonna be p**... off when I tell them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.
He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his s**... and is refusing to wear any clothes.
As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.
What is Roe versus Wade?
A: the decision General Washington made before crossing the Delaware.
This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...
We all forgot to show up.
