The Best 45 Deciding Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Deciding jokes. There are some deciding names jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these deciding decisive puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Deciding Jokes and Puns

Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...

Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.

He & his Dog empty the Glasses.

Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?

Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.

Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.

Dog looks at her and does nothing....

Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..

3 soccer players, one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal, are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what? So the guy from Manchester says, well since I'm from ManCHESTer, i'll get the chest. The player from Liverpool goes, well in that case I'll eat the LIVER. Then guy from ARSEnal says...i'm not hungry....

I'm deciding whether or not to join christianmingle.

If I do, what should my name be? HungLikeJesus? JesusInTheStreets_SatanInTheSheets? HeCameAgain? Do you have any suggestions for blasphemous names?

Note: this is a joke, I'm not hating god, I'm hating the closed minded website.

Deciding joke, I'm deciding whether or not to join christianmingle.

Three Priest are deciding what to do with the church donations for the week

One priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw all the money in tha air and whatever lands inside the circle they give to God. The second priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle they give to God. The third priest suggests that they simply throw the money into the air, and whatever God wants he takes.

Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.

A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.

"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".

He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.


Guy sits down at a diner

He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.

The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting the meat". The guy thinks for a minute and says "I'll have the hot dog".

Two students are deciding whether to go to their lecture or the pool on a wonderful summer day...

The first says "How should we decide?"

The second says "How about a coin toss?"

"Sure, you can call it."

"Okay, if we toss the coin and it stays in the air, we'll go to the lecture."

Deciding joke, Two students are deciding whether to go to their lecture or the pool on a wonderful summer day...

I'm having a hard time deciding which pillow I should buy.

I'm going to sleep on it.

A blonde walks into a restaurant

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. ''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?'' 

I'd like to paint a picture of some famous psychic.

But I'm having trouble deciding on a medium.

What's the hardest part about being a Vegan who does Crossfit and owns a Rescue dog?

Deciding which to tell people first.

You can explore deciding choose reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean deciding decision dad jokes. There are also deciding puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man is sitting on the subway when suddenly he sees the only other passenger take out a roll of film and start eating it.

The man stares at him shocked for a while before deciding he has to say something, "But . .but isn't that awefull?" he asks.

The other passenger stops eating "Yeah, your right, the book was much better"

Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS

He will now go by: Ernie Anders.

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

So you know the show Say Yes To The Dress

There should be a show about women deciding whether or not to get an abortion called "Say Maybe To The Baby"

What did Doc tell Marty when they were deciding on a color to paint his sister's room?

"It's time to go back to the fuschia!"

Deciding joke, What did Doc tell Marty when they were deciding on a color to paint his sister's room?

A Mormon president would face the most difficult issue any president has.

Deciding who's the First Lady, who's the Second Lady, and who's the Third Lady.

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first orders some H2O, the second exclaims "I'll have some H2O too!

The bartender, deciding not to be a dinosaur hammer, gives the scientist water instead of showing off his chemistry skills, preventing the second scientist from dying.

A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.

They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "Ah, they must have reproduced!"

Meanwhile, the mathematician arrived at the solution almost immediately: "If one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!"


A cop was attempting to pull me over...

I continued to drive, faster and faster until finally deciding to stop. Cop came up to the car and asked "why did you keep driving?" I said "sir, my ex-wife left me for a police officer and I thought you were bringing her back."

Shout out to the Kardashians,

Who are undoubtedly having a tough time deciding what to get their father for Mother's Day.

Deciding whether to buy gold or silver...

...is an either ore situation

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

My wife and I were deciding whether we wanted a third child

Which is a bit awkward because he's 5.

Two hats were deciding what to do

One says "I'll wait here, you go on a head"

What's the biggest dilemma of libraries

Deciding where to put the bible, fiction or non-fiction

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

My family was having trouble deciding on a vacation destination

So I said Phuket, let's just go.

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn't know what group to join...

She's still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

I woke up deciding to remove all the negativity from my life

so i killed myself

A boy was at a lemonade stand.

He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher. He told the seller he was really thirsty, to which they replied, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer".

Three days ago a lesbian couple were trying to decide where to go for lunch

They are still deciding

A start-up company was deciding over something to manufacture

Something local that wouldn't cost much.
They figured filtered water would fit this category.

After running it through all the bodies of the company, they decided on making bread. The water market was oversaturated.

I had a hard time deciding if I wanted to get a lobotomy

But in the end, it was a no-brainer.

Yo momma is so stupid...

... she single-handedly became a threat to literally millions of people by deciding not to vaccinate you or your siblings.

The hot dog

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.

Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.

The guy says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"

The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."

And the guy says, "Cancel the hot dog."

** Two mathmeticians deciding about sex positions **

"Wanna be numerator or denominator?"

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."

At the dance, Wood-Eye Pete stood awkwardly to the side

Deciding there wasn't much to lose he decided to ask Pudgie Peggy to dance.
"Would you care to dance?" He asked her, gamely.
With enthusiasm Pudgie Peggy eagerly expressed her delight almost yelling, Would I??!!
Pete blushed with shame and quickly defended himself yelling Well you're just a Fat Pig!"
before stomping out with a disgusted frown.

Liverpool just won the league and the government are paying people without doing work

Somewhere out there, there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp deciding what to do with his last wish

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who's gonna be who

RDJ said I'll be Beethoven and Hugh Jackman said I'll be Freddie Mercury and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said I'll be Bach

The Emperor Nero was struggling with deciding his gender.

He spent months waffling back and forth until finally in July of AD 64 he decided to make his decision public.

Everything in Rome was fine until that gender reveal party.

For many, figuring out who to give the free Reddit award will be similar to choosing who to lose your virginity to.

For some: it's not a big deal, you'll have fun with it, and it'll be whoever you see in the moment.

For others: you'll overthink it and fumble deciding. Soon the moment will pass and you'll be a virgin forever.

a traveling salesman ...

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look much better.

Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.

The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"

The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."

And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the deciding schwarzenegger jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working deciding deliberation piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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