The Best 92 Decide Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Decide jokes. There are some decide begin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these decide elect puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Decide Jokes and Puns

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

Who decided to call it marijuana possession"

and not joint custody?

Decide joke, Who decided to call it  marijuana possession"

Did you hear about the gay pope?

He couldn't decide if he was divine or simply gorgeous.

my favorite joke I heard in school

Rudolph was a child adopted from Russia. One day Rudolph and his brother are arguing if it is raining or snowing outside. Rudolph says it raining and his brother says its snowing. They decide to ask their mother what she thinks. Their mother says its raining. When his brother asked why she agreed with Rudolph she said "Because Rudolph the red knows rain dear."


This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.

The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.

They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.

The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".

The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.

"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.

"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"

so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have sex. the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have sex with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of sex' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

Decide joke, so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.

The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.

The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.

The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

A Weenie Contest.

Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"

So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"

So the church is losing money...

...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling them to stop selling flowers, because they are losing money. The friars say "no way man, free country, free enterprise."

The owners of the other floral shop decide to get real about these religious flower sellers, so they hire a hitman to go take them out. The hitman, named Hugh, shows up to the friars' store. Hugh, now, he's about 7'1', and 240 pounds of pure muscle. "Hey," he says, "you guys ought to stop sellin flowers." The petrified friars agree that maybe the floral business isn't such a good idea after all, and promptly shut it down.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

You can explore decide lodge reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean decide select dad jokes. There are also decide puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How will we truly reach gender equality?

By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.

Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!

2 nuns take a shortcut

2 nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatican and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street. The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies to the first, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."

Corniest joke I know.

Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners playboy mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the playboy mansion seeing two friars outside.

Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.

The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Badum psh

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

Decide joke, An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Sherlock says

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Watson?"

Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!


Mathematician joke.

A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...

The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.

10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...

Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...

After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

A man goes to see his rabbi...

... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."

I've decided I want to start a career in Mirror Cleaning

It's just something I can see myself doing.

I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...

...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".

The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."

The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.

"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".

So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.

When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.

When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

A man walks into a gun shop.

He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."

I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."

Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."

First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"

Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard licker."

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

I decided to switch to a new barber

My current barber just isn't cutting it.

A Koala walks into a bar...

So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs

So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of prostitute in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does sexual acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."

Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?

A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.

I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.

Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

I decided to have scrambled eggs this morning...

Immediately after thinking "I'll just flip this omelette."

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

I've decided to start carrying a knife.

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

You know what the worst part is about dating a Japanese girl?

If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"

Happy Valentine's, everyone!

Two friends are visiting Wales

Two friends are visiting Wales when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.

They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."

The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

All it does is collect dust.

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."

I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...

"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.

The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for sex,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

I've decided to freeze myself down to -273.15 degrees Celsius.

My friends all think I'm crazy, but I'll be 0K.

I've decided to freeze myself at -273°C.

My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.

A Black/Jewish boy asks his dad whether he's more Black or more Jewish.

When his dad asks why, the boy answers "there's a bike for sale for $100 and I can't decide whether to haggle down to $75 or just steal it."

A couple dies and goes to heaven

They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.

Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."

The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"

I decided to be naked in front of my dog for the first time today. He didn't even notice.

I'm pretty sure the vet did, though.

If you decided to put your life in Jesus' hands

Remember that he has a hole in each of them.

A bunch of beer company CEOs are at a conference and they decide to go get a drink...

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light, the CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light, the CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light, and the list goes on. The bartender makes his way to the CEO of Guiness and he orders a Coke.

His colleagues ask, "why don't you order a Guiness?"

And the Guiness CEO replies, "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?

"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.

It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?

On a case-by-case basis.

I've decided I won't drink any more

But I also wont be drinking any less

A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.

She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".

I said, "You pick".

She said, "No you pick".

I said, "I don't care, you pick".

She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".

[A forward that I received from my SO today]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

When two women marry each other, how do they decide

which one doesn't want to have sex any more?

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.

So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.

It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

I decided not to vaccinate my daughter...

I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'.

I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning

I've decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen.

Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side.

Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you!

Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!

A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...

God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.

The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.

God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.

The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?

That one. Enjoy eternity!

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,

Well what does that leave you with?

Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it's the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

Why did the Capitol police decide to use teargas?

They knew nobody was wearing a mask!

I just couldn't decide which asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.

I ended up calling it a Thai.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

I decided to keep an ostrich as a pet.

But after a few weeks I felt I was being ostracized and thought it best to give him to another home.

What is an example of a Facebook paradox?

Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers

Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.

The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:

Rabbi, were you gambling?

The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?

I've decided I want to go out of this world the same way I came into it

An accident.

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!

The case is hereby dismissed!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the decide mainland jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working decide place piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes