The Best 67 Decent Jokes

Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"

What's your favorite pirate joke?

Friend has an eyepatch on for some reason or another and I'm running out of decent jokes.

Two men were playing golf..

when the man about to tee off noticed a funeral procession moving down the road next to the golf course. He stopped, put his club away, took off his hat and waited respectfully for them the pass. "My friend that was a very decent and respectful gesture" his friend commented. "The least I could do, I was married to her for eighteen years after all"

Everything can be reduced to a fart joke ...

Even physics:

We know that everything on earth falls at the same rate of acceleration, 32 feet per second per second. The difference comes down to mass and wind resistance, as shown by a flat piece of paper and one balled up. This means that the determining factor in your total decent is how much wind you break!

Two men are playing golf near a country road...

When they see a funeral procession go by. One of them stops playing, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The other says "thats very decent of you, to stop playing and pay your respects." The first one responds "Well I'd think so; we were married for 52 years."

Those cheap Beats headphones might be fakes! Here's how to tell.

Connect headphones to a decent audio source. Play any music. Listen closely to the music.

1. Note the nuances of the bass. Is it clean and well-defined?
2. Are the high frequencies nice and crisp?
3. Pay attention to the mid-range frequencies - are they balanced with the high and low frequencies?

If you answered YES to any of the above steps - sorry, you were ripped off!

What do you get when you cross an Aboriginal with a Caucasian?

What do you get when you cross an Aboriginal with a Caucasian?

A half decent person.

Monorails make decent one-liners

Why couldn't Biggy or Tupac ever get decent internet on their phones?

They were just 2G's

The little bit of decent human being left in me finds cannibalism to be wrong...

but who cares, he was delicious!

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"

The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

I don't understand all of this Chris Brown hype.

After all his music isn't even that good, his only decent hit was Rihanna.

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

Most black 15-year-olds are decent law-abiding citizens.

It's their kids that cause all the trouble.

For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m.

It's a decent resolution.

They say you can't get a decent job without education.....

They say you can't get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the Moon!

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window.

The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks.

The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces.

The windows phone freezes mid decent.

You don't' have to be upset, if nobody notices you

You'd make a decent sniper!

If you marry a good, decent man...

... the color of his Rolls Roys doesn't make much difference

They say you can't get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Only pre-2017 kids will get this

A decent public education

As my late father always said...

Buy a decent watch

If World War 3 happens...

At least we will finally get some more decent Call of Duty Games.

It's a silver lining in the clouds.

Why did the restaurant on the moon fail?

The food was decent but it had no atmosphere.

What do you do when you're in a busy city and you need to take a huge dump?

First things first, you find a decent plastic bag asap.
Then, you need to takes your pants off and be in a squat.
Take the plastic bag.........

put it over your head so that people don't see your face.

I might be on trial for indecent exposure...

but all the news coverage is giving me some pretty decent exposure.

Why didn't the client tip the server?

Because they didn't have enough cache!

(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

It's decent money, but you can't guarantee a living as a sign spinner.

They have a high turnover rate.

If US keeps probing politicians for sexual misconducts

In time there will be no more decent people running the country

I heard Roy Moore fell off the wagon after losing on Tuesday...

Several sources claim he was heard repeatedly asking for a decent 15 year old Brandy.

The guillotine was decent in theory

But amazing in execution.

I really enjoyed this year's halftime performance.

I had enough time to take my dog for a decent walk.

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

Two cannibals who haven't had a decent meal in some time catch a neighboring tribesman in the jungle.

After discussing how to keep things fair, they decide that one should start at the feet and the other at the head to make sure they get an equal amount.

A few minutes into the meal, the cannibal who started at the head asks, "How's it going down there?"

"I'm having a ball!" says the other one.

"Whoa whoa whoa, slow down!" says the first. "You're eating too fast!"

People really should stop tipping cows.

They deserve a decent hourly wage!

I got chatting to this lumberjack the other day

He seemed like a decent feller

My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.

I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!

A left handed man was arrested the other day...

They say his smear campaign ruined a number of decent characters.

I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm.

It's hard work, but i get a decent celery.

Donkey joke

Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post

How many light bulbs does it take to change a blonde?

About 4 and some decent photo editing software.

A friend who works for FedEx told me how to tell a decent joke.

It's all about the delivery.

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

I spent ages trying to think of a decent bin pun.

Turns out, they were all rubbish

My Cyclist Friend Was A Decent Guy

Until he turned into a cycle path.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

I blame the general manager, said the first fan. If he signed better players, we'd be a great team.

I blame the players, said the second fan. If they made more of an effort, we'd score some points.

I blame my parents, said the third. If I'd been born in Seattle, I'd be supporting a decent team.

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin's theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

Gonna study hard , get a decent job , give my best at work so that I can buy a house with a

strong ceiling fan I can hang myself on.

I got a brand new Tesla for my wife.

Pretty decent trade, if you ask me.

I have a decent joke about a cow but it's pretty offensive so I'll probably need to take it down

[remooooooved]

I got a brand new Tesla for my partner

Pretty decent trade, if you as me.

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I've ever made.

The owner of the sex shop sold some lingerie to my girlfriend that has zero sex appeal.

But the lingerie is decent.

What's a decent Asian Stereotype?

I preffer Sony and Panasonic! What about you?

Two condoms are walking through town one night looking for a decent bar for a drinking session

As they walk past a gay bar one turns to the other and says

"How about this place, we can get proper shit-faced"

"May you live a hundred years!"

A perfectly normal and decent birthday greeting, unless you say it to someone who's 99.

I was looking for something to eat the other day & I found this Kentucky brand jelly my wife bought.

I tell you it don't matter, even if you put peanut butter on the bread too, you just can't make a decent sandwich with it. Got no taste.

I told her, "Woman, don't buy that KY jelly anymore!"

Elevator operator seems like a decent career field

Heard there's a lot of room to move up

Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them...

Where did all of the U.F.O's go?