Decent Jokes

Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

Need some help with Jesus jokes.

I'm going to an event dressed as Jesus, and I'm wanting to be able to crack decent Jesus jokes.
I'm already planning on carrying 3 nails, and asking people if they can put me up for the night.
What else is out there ?

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"

A fancy sports car gets pulled over by a cop

-You've exceeded the speed limit by driving 75 mph!
-Officer, here, take these 300 bucks and buy yourself a decent radar. I never drive slower than 100 mph!

What's your favorite pirate joke?

Friend has an eyepatch on for some reason or another and I'm running out of decent jokes.

The earth and the moon

The earth and the moon have a pretty decent relationship. Sure it has its ups and downs but you could say their relationship is pretty ecliptic and Id say since their last down its come full turn.
Note: I am aware this is terrible.

Those cheap Beats headphones might be fakes! Here's how to tell.

Connect headphones to a decent audio source. Play any music. Listen closely to the music.
1. Note the nuances of the bass. Is it clean and well-defined?
2. Are the high frequencies nice and crisp?
3. Pay attention to the mid-range frequencies - are they balanced with the high and low frequencies?
If you answered YES to any of the above steps - sorry, you were ripped off!

What do you call a borderline racial slur about a person of Asian decent?

A slippery slope.

Most 00's kids won't get these...

Decent jobs

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

They say you can't get a decent job without education.....

They say you can't get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the Moon!

A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window.

The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks.
The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces.
The windows phone freezes mid decent.

After Thanksgiving dinner, I told my wife she should be on a cooking show. Now I'm sleeping on the couch.

Worst Cooks in America has decent ratings. Why is she complaining?

If you marry a good, decent man...

... the color of his Rolls Roys doesn't make much difference

As an American of Chinese decent, I offered my services to help Trump to build his wall.

He replied that he didn't think it would be a good idea for me to build the barrier in my own internment camp.

My blind father's golden words

Always buy a decent watch.

Why wouldn't the Marxist ever make a decent cup of tea?

Because he'd read that all proper tea is theft.

If World War 3 happens...

At least we will finally get some more decent Call of Duty Games.
It's a silver lining in the clouds.

I'm an activist for mens' rights...

...to wear decent looking pants. You could say I'm a slack-tivist!

What do you do when you're in a busy city and you need to take a huge dump?

First things first, you find a decent plastic bag asap.
Then, you need to takes your pants off and be in a squat.
Take the plastic bag.........
put it over your head so that people don't see your face.

I might be on trial for indecent exposure...

but all the news coverage is giving me some pretty decent exposure.

Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: What does your sign say?
Guy 1: No work, wife and 2 kids to support. What does your sign say?
Guy 2: Need a few bucks to go back to my country.

Why didn't the client tip the server?

Because they didn't have enough cache!
(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

I'm not the greatest at telling jokes but I am decent at writing short stories.

So a 4'9 man walks into a bar.

Spent ages grinding away trying to come up a decent EA joke, but am tempted to just give up...

It's decent money, but you can't guarantee a living as a sign spinner.

They have a high turnover rate.

I really enjoyed this year's halftime performance.

I had enough time to take my dog for a decent walk.

What are the only two suits criminals don't look decent in?

Birthday suits and lawsuits

Do you ever wish we could do the 2016 presidential election all over with 2 decent candidates to choose from?

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

Why is there no rain in South Africa?

They forgot to /toggledownfall.
They also forgot to make their server private, so there's a decent bit of PvP and even PvE over there.

Bakers only share their recipes on a knead to know basis.

Now that we've got the puns out of the way, how about some actually decent comments?

My local theater put on a show about the development of speech to express ideas.

It was a decent play on words.

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

Why does the ocean wave back?

Because it has decent sea.

I found an old game.

Anne Frank simulator, looked okayish (as good as an attic can look) and had decent sound. Although the game has a big bug. During the tutorial everytime I jump I get shot.

What do you call a person of Jewish decent who plays for the Washington major league team?

A Hebrew National

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.

But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

I blame the general manager, said the first fan. If he signed better players, we'd be a great team.
I blame the players, said the second fan. If they made more of an effort, we'd score some points.
I blame my parents, said the third. If I'd been born in Seattle, I'd be supporting a decent team.

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin's theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

General Mathis served in the marines for 44 years and John Dowd was a JAG for a few years

# Jagass !!
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*(No offence to the honest, decent JAGS and this is from a post I saw on fox forums)*

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I've ever made.