december Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious december stories

What are the best December puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about December? Well here is a complete list of December dad jokes:

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

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Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?



Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

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Sexual Appetite

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

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Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are?

December, January, and February.

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An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."

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Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!

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Accordion and Tuba Duo

A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band.

On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a duo consisting of an accordionist and a tuba player. He has hesitations, but he hires them so he will have live music.

To his surprise, the duo is a huge hit with the crowd. The party was better than he ever imagined.

After the party, he walks up to the band and says "you know, I never thought in a million years that I would be saying this, but you two were great and I would like to line you up now for next year"

The duo replies "Sure, can we leave our stuff?"

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So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

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Why did the Mexican...

... throw his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!


... go to the home improvement store in December?
Fajitas!

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My prediction for December 21, 2012

Many babies will be born on September 21, 2013

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Why does the New York Times hire Jews?

So they can put out a paper on December 26th.

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What does a gang say on December 25th?

Merry Crips-mas

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Why is December 23 called Christmas Adam?

Because it comes before Christmas Eve, and isn't very satisfying!

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says "Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can take it back to the jeweler's in the Mercedes." The rich man then asks his less wealthy chum about the gifts that he's bought. The poor man says "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man is surprised, and asks his friend why he got his wife a dildo, of all things. Without missing a beat, the poor man explains "I got it so that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

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Here's a joke about cats AND sex for you...

A female cat was walking down the street one day in December, singing:
"All I want for Christmas is two little kittens, two little kittens. . ."

She came to a corner and turned, only to see a tomcat coming her way, singing:
"Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus. . ."

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UKIP get their jokes from Mock the Week.

'Things you wouldn't hear in a weather forecast', December 2011

"Tonight, a hurricane will be caused by low pressure and God's hatred of homosexuality..."

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days 'til xmas

Today is December 10th, there is is only 14 shoplifting days til xmas. Now get out there

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Little Mary

Little Mary never did very well in church. She would always fall asleep when the priest was speaking. One day, while Mary was happily sleeping, the Priest said "Mary, who created the Earth as we know it"? The little boy behind Mary got bored, took out a pin, and poked Mary with it in the back. Mary jolted awake and screamed "Oh good Lord"! "Good job"! said the priest. A little later, the Priest asked sleeping Mary "Mary, who was born on December 25th and is celebrated for Christmas?". The little boy stuck the pin in her back again and Mary screamed "Oh Jesus Christ!". "Good job!" said the priest. After Mary yet again fell asleep, the priest asked "Mary, after having their 23rd baby, what did Eve say to Adam?". The boy stuck the pin in Mary's back and she screamed "If you stick that thing into me one more time, I will rip it in half!".

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I know some people are legitimately worried

But man, I've been cracking December 21st jokes like there's no tomorrow

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Some "End Of The World" jokes I have seen.

* People are making "end of the world jokes" like there's no tomorrow.

* I think on December 21, all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes to freak everyone out.

* NASA has confirmed that on December 21, 2012, [approximately 7:00pm] the sky will turn completely black, and white little dots (very shiny) will appear...

This phenomenon is known as "night"

post some of yours in the bottom

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best december jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 20 puns about december. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty december gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these december jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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