December Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The average person has sex 89 times a year

My December is going to be fucking sick

Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

What's worse than no nut November?

No net December.
Defend net neutrality.


Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?



Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says "Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can take it back to the jeweler's in the Mercedes." The rich man then asks his less wealthy chum about the gifts that he's bought. The poor man says "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man is surprised, and asks his friend why he got his wife a dildo, of all things. Without missing a beat, the poor man explains "I got it so that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

First we had No Nut November....

Now we have No Net December.

Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are?

December, January, and February.

A young American couple are walking through Moscow...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow on an unseasonably warm December night. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think its raining" says the man.
"No, I'm quite sure thats snow."replies the woman.
"How about we ask the guard?" The man suggests. "Oh, Officer Olph? He was quite snappy with us last night... but alright".
"Excuse me, officer, is it raining or snowing?" the man asks.
"Rain" the officer curtly replies, turning away from them.
"See" says the man, "Rude Olph the red knows rain, dear."

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

Sexual Appetite

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

I held the door open for a feminist last month.

The trial date is December 12th.

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."

Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!

Accordion and Tuba Duo

A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band.

On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a duo consisting of an accordionist and a tuba player. He has hesitations, but he hires them so he will have live music.

To his surprise, the duo is a huge hit with the crowd. The party was better than he ever imagined.

After the party, he walks up to the band and says "you know, I never thought in a million years that I would be saying this, but you two were great and I would like to line you up now for next year"

The duo replies "Sure, can we leave our stuff?"

Why are there no Finnish Muslims?

All of them died out one year when Ramadan was in December

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year's Eve.

December 19 was the 102nd anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer.

But of course no one remembered.

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

From the death notice of a local newspaper: After a very hard and painfull life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace...

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

If 24th December is Christmas Eve, 23rd December should be Christmas Adam.

Because men always come first.

2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:

"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th?

Merry CRISPRmas!

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mum promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

Little Mary

Little Mary never did very well in church. She would always fall asleep when the priest was speaking. One day, while Mary was happily sleeping, the Priest said "Mary, who created the Earth as we know it"? The little boy behind Mary got bored, took out a pin, and poked Mary with it in the back. Mary jolted awake and screamed "Oh good Lord"! "Good job"! said the priest. A little later, the Priest asked sleeping Mary "Mary, who was born on December 25th and is celebrated for Christmas?". The little boy stuck the pin in her back again and Mary screamed "Oh Jesus Christ!". "Good job!" said the priest. After Mary yet again fell asleep, the priest asked "Mary, after having their 23rd baby, what did Eve say to Adam?". The boy stuck the pin in Mary's back and she screamed "If you stick that thing into me one more time, I will rip it in half!".

Japan won't get Fallout 4 until December 17th, but that's okay, they got the original fallout 70 years before us.

Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

When my parents told me Santa wasn't real, I was incredibly sad.

But then I bumped into him at the mall last December and he cleared that all up for me! Nice joke, Dad!

​SERIOUS WARNING!​ Do not go outside!

On the 31st December around 11:59pm. Do not go outside your house otherwise chances are, you will not come back until next year!!!

Please tell everyone u care for.

A man goes to the doctors to find a cure for his lack of hearing

The doctor prescribed a hearing apparatus, and scheduled him in for surgery in December.

After the surgery was complete, the man asked the doctor if everything went well. The doctor responded, "everything is fine sir. We've run our tests and you're ready to be discharged. Merry Christmas, and a happy new ear.

At the court

Judge: Every one of your answers should be oral! So where were you on the 12 of December?
Suspect: Oral.

Who are the Minnesota Vikings' toughest opponents?

November and December.

What mantra do Hindus initiate on the 25th of December?

Hari Kristmas.

In order to help Russia's chances at the World Cup

The tournament has been moved to December.

Japan doesn't get Fallout 4 until December 17th...

Which is fair considering they got the original Fallout 70 years before us.

Santa must be awful at destroy dick december

Considering he only comes once a year

Do you know why Santa only work on the 25th of December?

Because he knows where all the bad girls are...(sorry)

Back in December a Santa wondered into the wrong street and couldn't figure out a way out

He was a lost Claus

October is Octover

November is Nowvember.
December is Desoonber.

EA finally to publish a good product

Working title Β«Annual Sales ReportΒ», coming December 31.

Why did the blonde go to the drive-in in December?

She wanted to see the movie "closed for the winter".

Pope Francis warns the public about the evils of Horoscope readings...

Born: December 17, "Your ideas are abstract and don't always make reasonable sense."

What a Sagittarius thing to say...

The new Super Smash Bros comes out on December 7th

Japan must just love dropping bombs that day

What do you call a suicide victim in December?

A Christmas Jumper.

And then Santa said to the atheist,

HO! HO! HO! Have a nice 25th of December.

The 19th of December is the anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer

But no one ever remember it

Why did the Mexican...

... throw his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!


... go to the home improvement store in December?
Fajitas!

The last time Japan upset a nation this much was December 7th, 1941.

Did you hear about the guy that was half Black and half Japanese ...

... every December 7th he would attack Pearl Bailey.

And on the 21st of December the Lord said...

"Red solo cup,

I lift you up,

LETS HAVE A PARTY"

A limerick for The Isle of Skye

When I was on the Isle of Skye
I overdid the old Spanish fly
I had a stiff member
From the fourth of December
Till Friday the tenth of July

In a few weeks it'll be all over for me and relaxing!

I'll be on vacation to India in December.

My prediction for December 21, 2012

Many babies will be born on September 21, 2013

What are the funniest december jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about December? Well, here are the best December puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny December pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes