Deceased Jokes
64 deceased jokes and hilarious deceased puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deceased that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Deceased Short Jokes
Short deceased jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deceased humour may include short dead or alive jokes also.
- Why did the accordion player bring their instrument to the funeral? To give the deceased one last squeeze.
- Our clan has a tradition of naming our children after deceased family members. We named our son "Grandpa."
- If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman... You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.
- What's the difference between a pervert and a dead bee? One is a seedy beast and the other is a bee deceased.
- I always suspected that my neighbors had weird traditions, and it was confirmed when I saw them donating their deceased It was a dead giveaway
- A patient with a mental decease walks to a doctor the doctor asks: "What's your problem?"
The patient: "I'm paranoid about the Backstreet Boys"
Doctor: "Tell me why"
Patient: \*screams\* - What does a large pink cat and a deceased insect have in common? Dead ant, dead ant,
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead annnnt.... - How do old people stay in ouch with their deceased friends? Through social mediums.
(Read this on Facebook. Take no credit, but I don't remember who said it.) - What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer? A wreath of franklins
- Who's worse a graverobber or a necrophiliac? One cold-bloodedly gets engagement rings from the deceased, and the other gets diseases from their engagement with cold-blooded rings.
Share These Deceased Jokes With Friends
Deceased One Liners
Which deceased one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deceased? I can suggest the ones about dead lawyer and dying.
- I glued a picture of my deceased parrot onto my boomerang. It brings back good memories.
- What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award
- What do you call a deceased bodybuilder? RIPPED
- What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie? Deceased and desist
- My Grandfather is deceased So I guess that makes me 1/4 Deceased?
- A message to all you deceased American voters... Vote Early, and Vote Often.
- [Halloween party] Me: Nice costume! What are you?
Basic Girl: I am DECEASED! - My wife passed away from an infected in-grown hair. I got a cyst and deceased letter.
- I had a problem with my dyslexic doctor today. I went in diseased and came out deceased.
- What do you call a deceased black person's favorite dance? The Charleston
- Somebody stuffed their deceased parrot and kept it on display It was a little maca(w)bre.
- (Offensive Warning) What do you call a deceased black person? Outdated farm equipment
Recently Deceased Jokes
Here is a list of funny recently deceased jokes and even better recently deceased puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars: a lottery ticket.
Comedy Deceased Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about deceased you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dead mother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deceased pranks.
Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...
.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
A woman takes her dead parrot into a vet's office...
And lays it upon the examination table. The vet takes one look at the deceased bird and says, 'Sorry Ma'am, but your parrot is dead.' The woman isn't satisfied, and asks for a second opinion. The vet obliges and pokes his head into the next room and calls in a second doctor. A cat saunters in, jumps up onto the table, looks up to the vet with sorrow in his eyes and says, 'Meow.' 'Sorry,' the vet says, 'my colleague says your parrot is dead. The woman still isn't satisfied and wants yet another opinion. The vet, as before, pokes his head into the next room, but this time a dog bounds in, puts its paws on the table, sniffs the bird and barks. 'Sorry Ma'am, but that's three doctor's opinions. Your bird is certainly dead.' 'Alright,' the woman says, 'you win, here's the $50 for the appointment.' '$50?' The vet exclaims, 'You owe me $150 for the extra cat scan and the lab report.'
A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.
St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.
The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.
St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."
A Rabbi is giving a eulogy...
And it comes to the point in the service where he is supposed to extol the virtues of the deceased.
Rabbi: "Alas, I did not know this man, I am new here. Would anyone care to speak on his behalf?"
Silence through the crowd.
A voice from the back calls out:
"His brother was worse!"
Dead Pakistani
The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes.
St. Peter: What do you want?
Pakistani man: I'm here for Jesus.
St. Peter: Jesus, your taxi's here!!
So a wealthy Texan's son is getting married...
...and his son asks if he can give his deceased mother's ring to his bride. His father is all for this, and someone suggests that he have it appraised for insurance purposes.
The father has a lady friend who is a professional appraiser, so he invites her to look at the ring. She agrees, and says that her "fee" will be a supper at a very nice Dallas restaurant.
After dessert, they are lingering over coffee; he presents the ring to his friend, she opens the box and takes out her jeweler's loupe, carefully examines it for awhile...
...puts it back in the box and returns it to him...
...and at the next table, someone exclaims, "My God, I've heard these Texas women were picky, but THAT takes the cake!"
An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.
When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man suffering Crohns Disease who speaks to the deceased is currently fornicating with his obese wife.
he's a small medium in large.
My 3 sons
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He is now running for President
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old man dies
In his f**..., the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently attended a f**...
And the procession was going up a steep hill on Main Street. Well all of a sudden the door of the hearst flew open and the coffin fell out. Since the road was so steep it flew back down Main street and into a pharmacy where it crashed into the counter. The lids popped open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
How do you catch an elephant?
First, you dig a hole and let a fire burn out in it. Then, you put peas all around it. When the elephant comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
Compliments of my deceased grandfather for telling me this joke when I was a kid.
The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
Yea, I got this vest from my deceased grandpa
It was hard to get it though, the priest wouldn't let me open his cascet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A h**... addict has overdosed and died,
So a friend of the deceased is giving the eulogy at the f**..., saying;
"He died doing what he loved.
h**...."
A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...
The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.
"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
One of the paramedics solemnly looks into the eyes of waiter and simply replies "Poisson"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got kicked out of a f**... today
Little did they know the deceased was into necrophilia too
They say judge a father's love by what he leaves his children
My deceased father must have hated me 'cause he didn't leave me a penny. It should have been obvious to me though.
His will is a dead giveaway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where do recently deceased female dogs get written up in the newspaper?
The o-b**...-uaries
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends were out golfing one morning.
One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a f**... processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is ready to continue.
That was the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It was incredibly touching on your part to take the time to say a prayer for the deceased. Says his friend.
Well, it's the least I can do. After all, we were married for 35 years.
A rich man demanded to be buried with his money
Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of this with the entire estate being buried with her deceased husband? The widow replied, well I deposited the funds from the estate into my account and buried my dear husband with a check for the total.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them...
They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear. But the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.
The horrified friends watch in horror as the bear feasts on their deceased mate.
Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing:
"I feel so guilty!"
"It could've been any of us, my friend. You should not feel any shame or guilt!"
"You mean... You guys would've tripped him too?"
I'm horrible at funerals.
Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when i add, "it's a shame he had to die".
Mercedes for Sale @ $100
Mercedes for Sale @ $100
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for $100.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies
At the f**..., the doctor says to his two friends, Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial. So the other two agree to do this.
The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 bill on the body. Next the dentist does the same thing.
Lastly, the lawyer goes up to the coffin, and after paying his last respect, picks up the two $100 bills and leaves a check for $300.
Obit
Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'. Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'
