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Death Jokes

189 death jokes and hilarious death puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about death that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Death Short Jokes

Short death jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The death humour may include short dying jokes also.

  1. I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
  2. "How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.
  3. A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
  4. Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
  5. Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."
  6. My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
  7. Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
  8. Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
  9. Chuck Norris actually died four years ago Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.
  10. After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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Death One Liners

Which death one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with death? I can suggest the ones about birth and deceased.

  1. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions
  2. Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plan? The Jedi Code forbids attachments.
  3. I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me
  4. A japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
  5. What caused The Black Death? The police.
  6. No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death God hates gags.
  7. I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing
  8. My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
  9. If I was invisible for a day... I'd kick a mime artist to death.
  10. My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them. 0 Kills
    0 Assist
    7 Deaths
  11. I hope death is a woman That way it wont come for me
  12. I challenged Death to a pillow fight. I wasn't prepared for the reaper cushions.
  13. Is it possible to be bored to death? That all depends on the drill.
  14. I'm deathly afraid of elevators I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them
  15. I surely hope Death is a woman That way it never comes for me.

Sentenced Death Jokes

Here is a list of funny sentenced death jokes and even better sentenced death puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him. Needless to say, they left him hanging.
  • So I was sentenced to death by hanging... but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
  • A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died He was sentenced to death
  • Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair." What happens next will shock you.
  • Before invention of electricity Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.
  • Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because they'll finish each other's sentences.
  • A prisoner got killed by words He got a death sentence.
  • What's the worst sentence in the English language? The death sentence.
  • A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal. So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."
  • I got the death sentence for making a fence out of large circles. It was a capital 'O' fence.

Beaten Death Jokes

Here is a list of funny beaten death jokes and even better beaten death puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
  • My girlfriends star sign My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died
    She got beaten to death by a giant crab
  • My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad. It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.
  • A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
    IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB
  • My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.
  • My grandma was recently beaten to death.. She came in just after my granddad
  • My nan was beaten to death by my grandad It was by about 2yrs
  • My grandma was beaten to death by my grandpa. Not as in, with like a stick or anything. He just died first.
  • What's black and white and red all over? A man with Vitiligo being beaten to death with a hammer.
  • Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry.
Death joke, Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld f

Death Metal Jokes

Here is a list of funny death metal jokes and even better death metal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals? A decomposer
  • What do you call someone who writes Death Metal music? A Decomposer
  • The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival... Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.
  • OJ Simpson has a new death metal band called: Black Stabbeth
  • I like my death metal like I like my coffee. Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.
  • A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors 6 Finger Death Punch
  • A baker was killed by a falling metal pan... you could say his death was filled with irony.
    Ba-Dum-Tsss
  • Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal. Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.
  • A paperclip walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the pointy face?" The paperclip, incapable of human speech, forms a long, thin sliver of metal and stabs the bartender to death.
  • What does an old rocker listen to? Near-death metal.

Death Penalty Jokes

Here is a list of funny death penalty jokes and even better death penalty puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you see that documentary about the death penalty? Tired concept, great execution.
  • What happened after the U.S. imposed the death penalty for banking-related crypto fraud? Bank-Man fried!
  • What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty? Treeson
  • I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife. He said that's not how a divorce works.
  • A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?" "Death by old age"
  • I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.
  • Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee.
    He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty.
  • TIL : There are several states in the United States Of America that enforce death penalty for homosexuals and heterosexuals, and bisexuals.
  • What car does a man who should have been punished with the death penalty drive? a Musthang.
  • What keeps you from strangling your significant other during arguments? Love? Their good personality? Empathy? Morals? For me, it's the death penalty.
Death joke, What keeps you from strangling your significant other during arguments? Love? Their good personality

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about death can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of death puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Gather Around for Heartwarming Death Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about death you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean alive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make death prank.

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"
"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a nurse at a m**... hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"
Then he beats him to death.

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the f**...."

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

A Painter and a Gallery Owner

Painter: How are my paintings selling?
Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed:

'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'

I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.

They never get above C level.

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."
The class's wise-guy says:
"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing s**...?"
The teacher says:
"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

I'm sick to death of c**... dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

Death Joke

My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.

A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow

She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of s**...?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.

I dunno, what do you want?

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our v**... girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

Unlike Jesus, I did not have a v**... birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a v**... death

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

On the anniversary of Harambe's death...

the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a v**....
Repost.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!

Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?

Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting s**... to death.

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."

My friend told me to sing at his f**....

He wants people to know there's something worse then death.

Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!

I know that, but I can't let you starve to death

I'm deathly afraid of speed bumps

but I'm slowly getting over it.

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

What's s**... transmitted and has a 100% death rate?

Life

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

A husband died

A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.


"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...

A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed

Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."

Death joke, An old man is at home on his death bed

jokes about death

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these death jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.