Deathbed Jokes
77 deathbed jokes and hilarious deathbed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deathbed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Deathbed Short Jokes
Short deathbed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deathbed humour may include short hospital bed jokes also.
- The ultimate Dad Joke A father, on his deathbed, with his son crying over him.
Son: "I'm so sad"
Father: "Hi sad"... leans in and whispers, I'm dead."
Keels over and dies. - What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed? "No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"
- 26% of people on their deathbed tell a joke right before they die. Not me. That's the last thing I'd ever do.
- As I stared at my grandpa on his deathbed not knowing what to say, he turned to me and mumbled "take my picture... it'll last longer."
- My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said Either ore.
- A man on his deathbed told his wife he would like to make love one last time... She replied "I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!"
- A man on his deathbed is asked if he is afraid to die The man smiles and says not at all, I've been preparing for this my whole life
- This watch means a lot to me, I got it from my Jewish Grandfather He sold it to me on his deathbed.
- An old woman is lying on her deathbed when her youngest granddaughter, holding back tears, says to her: "I love you, Grandma." The old woman replies:
Oh yeah? Name 3 of my albums. - A sad dad joke A woman is at her father's deathbed. She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left.
"Dad, I'm sorry," she whispers.
"Goodbye, Sorry," he says, "*I'm dead*.
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Deathbed One Liners
Which deathbed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deathbed? I can suggest the ones about bedside and graveyard.
- What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed? There will never be another ewe.
- What did the frog say on his deathbed? Nothing, he croaked
- My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed...
- The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye:
- What would Chewbacca say on his deathbed? Argh argh argh...
Quirky and Hilarious Deathbed Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about deathbed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cemetery jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deathbed pranks.
Two old baseball fans
Two old guys, Bob and Steve, are huge fans of baseball. As in, that was all they ever talked about. Bob was on his deathbed, when Steve told him something.
"Bob," he said, "When you get to Heaven, could you let me know if they have baseball in Heaven?"
Bob said "yes" and then passed away.
Three weeks later, as a still-grieving Steve was falling asleep, a sudden light from high up in heaven (!) shined down on him, and an angel from the lord was sent to Steve.
"Hey Steve," the angel, who was revealed to be Bob, said, "Great news!"
"Bob! What is it?!" Steve said.
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that they *do have* baseball in Heaven."
"Whats the bad news?"
"You're pitching next week."
Bedside Wife
A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He says "Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She says "No dear, save your energy."
He says " I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She says " I know, I poisoned you."
The only joke I've ever heard from my mother
my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)
Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On his deathbed, a man is asked if he wants anything said at his f**....
"Oh look, he's moving."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."
My Chinese friend's jokes about Socialism and Capitalism
* A Russian, an American, and a Chinese person are walking down a path. Suddenly, they come to a fork in the road. One path has the sign "Capitalism," and it's brightly lit and beautiful. The other is labeled "Socialism," and it's dark and frightening. The American chooses first, marching confidently down the brightly lit path. The Russian is next. Determined, he starts to go down the dark path, but then turns back halfway and runs toward the bright path. The Chinese person is last. After thinking a moment, he chooses the bright path - but first he changes the signs.
* Stalin, on his deathbed, is talking with his successor-to-be, Khrushchev. Stalin, with his dying breath, says "But what if the people won't go with you, comrade?" Khrushchev replies, "Don't worry! If they don't go with *me*, I'll make sure that they're going with *you*."
* An American and a Russian are waiting for their friend, a Chinese guy. The Chinese guy finally arrives twenty minutes late. "Sorry," he says, "I was standing in line to buy some sausage." The American says, "What's a line?" and the Russian says, "What's a sausage?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning Jew
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"
An old man was lying on his deathbed.
An old man was lying on his deathbed. His wife of forty years was holding his hand.
He looked at her and said Margaret, It seems like you have always been with me when I was in need. Remember that time I fell down the stairs? You stayed with me. And when I lost my job? You were right there. Now that I am dying, you are here. You know what, Margaret?
What, John?
I think you're a jinx.
A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...
The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."
"What is it, dear?"
"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"
She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"
The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man lay on his deathbed...
He had maybe a day left to live when he suddenly smelled his wife's prizewinning chili! He dearly loved her chili more than anything else in the world, especially the way his wife cooked them which was known throughout the state of Texas.
With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, crawled across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of chili from the stovetop. As he reached with a spoon for a taste from the p**..., his wife smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon.
"Leave it alone, Charlie!" she yelled. It's for the f**...!"
A Jew is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"
Another Iranian wife at the husband's deathbed
H: At this last moment, I have a question, have you ever cheated on me?
W: Only 3 times and all for your own good.
H: How so?
W: Remember in our town you wanted to join the soccer team and the coach rejected you but then later admitted you? That was in return of a favor I did.
H: Okay, I forgive that, what next?
W: Remember you played soccer and the team members did not pass you the ball, but then later they made you the captain? All the team members did that as return of my favors.
H: Hmm. And the the 3rd time?
W: Remember in Azadi stadium in Tehran, 100'000 spectators booed you, but then later everybody cheered for you? They all did that as return to my favors.
A man is lying in is deathbed...
And he is saying goodbyes. His grandson comes to his side, and he asks a final question: "Before I die, I want to have one last taste of your mother's gazpacho. Please, go to her."
The little boy leaves and returns. "Where's the gazpacho?" the old man asks.
"Mommy says its for after."
I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.
Stop clicking on click-bait!
(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).
Another version of the Chinese man on his deathbed joke by /u/comment_sense
随着他的视线失败，他转向了医生，问是他的妻子吗？
医生向他保证她。
我的儿子，我美丽的儿子，他们是这里吗？
他们是。
那我姐姐？
安慰这个可怜的人，医生告诉他： 别担心，她在这里，随着法律的弟弟，和你的家人都休息，你可以安静地死去。
随着他的最后一口气，老中国人，努力使自己的声音说：
如果每个人都来了，那么谁他妈的是自扫门前雪的店吗？ 。
An old widow is on her deathbed,
and a priest comes to give her her last rites.
The woman has had four husbands, banker, an actor, a priest, and a mortician. The priest asks, why so many, and she replies, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed
As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"
"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.
"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.
The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jake was on his deathbed
His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
A jew in his deathbed...
A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...
On His Deathbed
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I can't believe you're doing this. said his friend. For your entire life you're been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because I'd rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.
A rabbi is on his deathbed...
...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.
Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."
There's an old man on his deathbed...
... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"
A bottle of Scotch
An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Cleveland Browns Fan's f**...
Upon the deathbed in Cleveland, his final request was for his body to be buried by members of the Cleveland Browns, to let him down one last time.
Macduff was on his deathbed.
He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."
Macleod nodded solemnly, and then asked,
"Can I filter it through my kidneys first?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Becky was on her deathbed...
Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you"
A friend of mine was on his deathbed
He asked me how it was like to be straight.
I whispered to him 'soon you will know'.
Dad on Deathbed
[Deathbed]
Dad: Don't put me in the wrong burial plot
Son: Dad stop it, I'm never turning this life support off!
Dad: because that would be...a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
(cr
A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes...
After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".
My father loved the photos and paintings of John Audubon
He collected as many photos and paintings of all the different birds around the world.
As he lay on his deathbed facing the "wall of wading birds" I asked him if he would have done anything different.
His eyes panned across the wall and he frowned. With his last words he said.
"I have no egrets"
A Jew was on his deathbed and told his only son
-Isaac, my son, i am dying. I just want you to know that the 8 houses, 3 apartment buildings, 24 taxis, 17 hotels, 8 shops, 3 swimming pools, the statues, jewelry...
-Are you going to give them to me, dad?
-I'm selling them to you. Very cheap
A Jewish man on his deathbed is talking to his daughter.
The man smells noodle kugel (a traditional Jewish food) coming from the kitchen downstairs and reminds his daughter that it's his favorite food. He asks her to go get him some for his last meal- he knows he will die very soon. The man's daughter goes downstairs, and comes back with no kugel. The man asks why she didn't bring any. The daughter says:
Mom said it's for after.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was on his deathbed when....
his wife said to him, If you die, I'll hang myself,
he looked up at her and said:
Do me the favour while I'm still alive.
A man is on his deathbed with his wife at his side.
"Listen closely" - says the man - "I want you to promise me one thing before I die. Do not ever have a relationship with another man. For every man that you sleep with, I'll do a 360º spin in Heaven."
"Don't worry, darling, I promise", says his wife.
After a few days, the man passes away and his wife is left alone. Years pass, and the woman dies as well. Upon reaching the gates of Heaven, she asks St. Peter: "Where is my husband? Do you know where he is?"
St. Peter replies: "Oh, you mean the 'Beyblade'? He's right there."
An old pastor on his deathbed asked a lawyer and an IRS agent to visit him.
When the two arrived in the pastor's room, the pastor based them to sit on either side of the bed.
After a bit, the lawyer asked "Reverend, why did you ask us here?"
The pastor responded, "Jesus died between two thieves, and I want to do the same."
Since other people liked the turkish joke I translated, here's another one
Nasreddin Hodja was on his deathbed. He called her wife and told her to dress up nicely and wear makeup. She was confused about why he wanted that, so she asked him why.
Well, when the reaper comes he might like you more and take you with him instead of me.
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
A couple has 4 sons
The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is yours."
The husband died a few moments later. She said to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Final words
A man is holding his wife's hand as shes lying on her death-bed.
"j**... , I have something to tell you before I pass on," she whispers."
"No, no, dear," says j**.... "Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No j**..." she mumbles." I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I... I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."
"Yes,dear I know," Says j**.... "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!
Old soviet man is lying on his deathbed...
...as his end is nearing, he surprises everyone by inviting communist party secretary instead of priest, saying he wants to join the communist party before he dies.
"Why did you invite me here? Your whole life you didn't want to join, what changed your mind now?" wonders the communist official.
Old man replies: "If someone has to die, it must be a communist!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm an atheist, but I plan on converting to Christianity on my deathbed.
I figure better safe than sorry. I don't want to end up in h**... with the Evangelicals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A gem from the YouTube comment section
"This watch has tremendous sentimental value to me. My father sold it to me on his deathbed." -w**... Allen
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can't take it with you
A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.
A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "s**... idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
An old Jew is on his deathbed.
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
A man is on his deathbed
He has 4 sons, the first 3 are strong and like him but the last one is weak and different from him.
He asks his wife "is our last son my son?", she replies "yes".
When the man has died his wife quietly whispers to herself "thank god he didn't ask about the other 3"
A very wealthy man on his deathbed
Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".
A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."
Bill and Joe were best friends...
Bill and Joe were best friends since they were kids and had always shared an extreme love of baseball. One day, when Bill was on his deathbed, Joe asked him to find a way to tell him if there was baseball in heaven. Bill promised he would.
A few months after Bill had died, Joe woke up in his bed to the ghost of Bill calling his name.
"Bill!" Joe exclaimed
"Joe!" 'I have good news and bad news, The good news is there's baseball in heaven!"
"That's great Bill, but what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Tuesday"
A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...
Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.
His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.
On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.
"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."
"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"
He replies, "No, I really can't - You're a size 17 and she wears a size 10."
An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
