Death Jokes
188 death jokes and hilarious death puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about death that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Death Short Jokes
Short death jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The death humour may include short dying jokes also.
- A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
- Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
- Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
- Chuck Norris actually died four years ago Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.
- What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor.
- My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.
- A guard asks a woman on death row what she'd like for her final meal. idk, what do you want?
- Did you hear mike tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
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Death One Liners
Which death one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with death? I can suggest the ones about birth and deceased.
- Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions
- Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plan? The Jedi Code forbids attachments.
- A japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
- What caused The Black Death? The police.
- I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing
- My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
- My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them. 0 Kills
0 Assist
7 Deaths - Is it possible to be bored to death? That all depends on the drill.
- What does Tarzan falling to his death have in common with Millenials? I miss Vine.
- I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat He mistook it for a job offer. :(
- Why would someone need a Death Star? For Alderaan reasons.
- What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch? There will be grim reaper cushions
- Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death? She was the queen of denial
- If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be I don't know. What do you feel like?
- Death does make you closer to God because now you don't exist either.
Sentenced Death Jokes
Here is a list of funny sentenced death jokes and even better sentenced death puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him. Needless to say, they left him hanging.
- So I was sentenced to death by hanging... but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
- A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died He was sentenced to death
- Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because they'll finish each other's sentences.
- A prisoner got killed by words He got a death sentence.
- What's the worst sentence in the English language? The death sentence.
- A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal. So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."
- I got the death sentence for making a fence out of large circles. It was a capital 'O' fence.
- I was recently in court with a necrophiliac as a judge... Everyone got the death sentence.
- A man sentenced to death is asked - What is your last wish?
- To watch the "Young and the Restless" series complete with commercials.
Death Metal Jokes
Here is a list of funny death metal jokes and even better death metal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals? A decomposer
- The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival... Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.
- OJ Simpson has a new death metal band called: Black Stabbeth
- I like my death metal like I like my coffee. Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.
- A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors 6 Finger Death Punch
- A baker was killed by a falling metal pan... you could say his death was filled with irony.
Ba-Dum-Tsss - A paperclip walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the pointy face?" The paperclip, incapable of human speech, forms a long, thin sliver of metal and stabs the bartender to death.
- What does an old rocker listen to? Near-death metal.
- What do you call Islamic death metal? Allahu Rockbar.
- Why did the heavy metal rocker become an actuary? He wanted to be paid to predict death and destruction.
Death Penalty Jokes
Here is a list of funny death penalty jokes and even better death penalty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you see that documentary about the death penalty? Tired concept, great execution.
- What happened after the U.S. imposed the death penalty for banking-related crypto fraud? Bank-Man fried!
- I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife. He said that's not how a divorce works.
- A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?" "Death by old age"
- I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.
- Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee.
He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty. - What car does a man who should have been punished with the death penalty drive? a Musthang.
- Did you know that Iceland has the death penalty! It's called Ramadan
Death And Taxes Jokes
Here is a list of funny death and taxes jokes and even better death and taxes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.
- Only 2 things are certain in this world - Death, taxes, and my inability to count
- There is a one difference between death and taxes... ...at least death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.
- really old joke based off a video game from the 90's What are the three certainties in life? ( Thank you for spellcheck on google chrome ) 1. death 2. taxes. 3. you'll hear this joke sooner or later
- The only constants in life are taxes, death, and... 99c+tax AriZona Iced Tea
- There are three certainties in life. Death, taxes... ...and the fact that the object in front of you causes cancer in the state of California.
- The wages of sin is death, but... ...by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
- It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
- Only 3 things are certain in life. Death, taxes and a dfs sale.
- Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Sean Bean dying in a movie ...and I'm not completely sure about the first two.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Death Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about death you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make death pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"
"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a nurse at a m**... hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...
So he walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"
Then he beats him to death.
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Death Notice
An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kill the Dragon
An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a v**... from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.
One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.
Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Double Genie
A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On his deathbed, a man is asked if he wants anything said at his f**....
"Oh look, he's moving."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Two women meet in heaven...
There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but, to her surprise, only found her husband sitting in the den reading a book. But convinced there was another women in the house, she frantically started destroying the house looking for the other women until she was so exhausted that her heart just stopped working. Amazed at the story, Lydia looks at Carol and says, "If you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed:
'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death
God hates gags.
I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.
They never get above C level.
A bearded guy
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
At an Irish wedding...
...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Trump Dingell joke
Debbie Dingell had asked Trump for A-plus treatment after her husband's death John Dingell.
Trump: Ok.
Debbie Dingell: Thank you so much. John would be so thrilled. He's looking down.
Trump: That's OK. Don't worry about it. Maybe he's looking up. I don't know.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear goes into a bar
he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm sick to death of c**... dealers...
always sticking their business in other people's noses.
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
Death Joke
My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A hero comes to a village...
The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our v**... girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Unlike Jesus, I did not have a v**... birth
It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a v**... death
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?
The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
On the anniversary of Harambe's death...
the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.
Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."
Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a v**....
Repost.
Five out of six people are okay with Russian Roulette...
... The sixth one loves it to death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.
Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?
Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.
It's their free choice between wearing them or getting s**... to death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican lying on his death bed
The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump gets executed
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...
I said, "So you want me to stay now?".
Doctor of death!
Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the authorities think that's too high for a dentist.
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?
Society.
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last
He said, "Staring contest... GO."
A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."
The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...
Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me to sing at his f**....
He wants people to know there's something worse then death.
Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!
I know that, but I can't let you starve to death
The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty"
Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a genie
The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."
Two women are talking in Heaven
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's s**... transmitted and has a 100% death rate?
Life
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.
But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel
You might be too weak to lift your middle finger
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him
and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday
Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?
The Make-A-Wish foundation.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
