death Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious death puns

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

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"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death

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A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

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A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

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A woman screams as she gives birth...

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

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What caused The Black Death?

The police.

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Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

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A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

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One from Australia for you…

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"

"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.

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At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

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A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

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No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death

God hates gags.

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Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

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I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

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Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

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My wife just asked me what I want for Father's Day this year...

"A blowjob," I replied.
"Haha," she replied. "But what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

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A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

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Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

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My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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On his deathbed, on old Jew tells his wife:

'Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?' - ' Sure I was, Moshe'

'When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me, no?- ' I was Moshe.'

'And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?' - 'I am, darling'

'I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.'

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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

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Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

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My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

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If I was invisible for a day...

I'd kick a mime artist to death.

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Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death

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I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

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What are the most funny Death jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Death? Well, here are the best Death dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Death pick up lines to share with friends.

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