Death Jokes

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

Is it possible to be bored to death?

That all depends on the drill.

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death

God hates gags.

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

What caused The Black Death?

The police.

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

I'm sick to death of c**... dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our v**... girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

Unlike Jesus, I did not have a v**... birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a v**... death

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

If I was invisible for a day...

I'd kick a mime artist to death.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a v**....

Repost.

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

What's s**... transmitted and has a 100% death rate?

Life

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.

Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

Dont challange Death to a pillow fight

...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.

​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed

Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was your doctor."

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?

The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'

Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?

Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of b**....

There was no sign of a struggle.

A guard asks a woman on death row what she'd like for her final meal.

idk, what do you want?

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

I challenged Death to a pillow fight.

I wasn't prepared for the reaper cushions.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)

Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

Chuck Norris actually died four years ago

Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.

The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.

The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.

The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"

And he responds "old age".

On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.

"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."

"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"

He replies, "No, I really can't - You're a size 17 and she wears a size 10."

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.

"I didn't" said the doctor.

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not" the doctor said.

"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."

"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .

As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.

You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.

Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.

Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.

So I guess this means you were Batman too.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight..

..if you're not willing to deal with the reaper cushions.

I hope death is a woman

That way it wont come for me

My last girlfriend choked to death.

It was a terrible blow.

Why did Death fall in love with his victim?

He just couldn't get enough of demise.

My girlfriend just told me, If we don't get married soon, I'm going to kill you!

I said, I guess..it's a matter of wife or death.

One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.

Guy: But I'm not ready!

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy: Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?

Death: All right.

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!

When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list."

Jerry Springer passed away.

The cause of death was a rare parasite…



…..Jerry was the perfect host.

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken