death Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious death stories

What are the best death puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Death? Well here is a complete list of the top death jokes:

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

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A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

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Is it possible to be bored to death?

That all depends on the drill.

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I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

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no excuses

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

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Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.

The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."

The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."

The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

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A Painter and a Gallery Owner

Painter: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

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A Jewish dad is lying on his death bed...

A Jewish dad is lying on his death bed, he calls out for his wife and she squeezes his hand and tells him, "I'm here sweetheart."
"Good" he tells her, "and my son?"
"I'm here papa" says the boy.
"Good", says the dad, "and where is your sister?"
"Oh papa, I'm here too!" The girl responds.
The fathers face becomes angry, and he yells, "Then why the hell is the light on in the other room if you're all in this one?"

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Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

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Why did the blind fly starve to death??

Because he couldn't see shit

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Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

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I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed:

'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'

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If I was invisible for a day...

I would find a mime artist and kick him to death

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On his deathbed, a man is asked if he wants anything said at his funeral.

"Oh look, he's moving."

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An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

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At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled...

"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Invisible

My friend just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

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A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a million dollars."

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

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The Skunk

One cold night, this couple was driving down the road, and the girl notices this black ball of fur on the side of the road. She makes him pull over, and she sees that it's a skunk that's about to freeze to death. She asks him, "Can we bring him with us in the truck to warm it up?"

He says, "I guess it's okay. Bring him in."

She goes, "Where can I warm him up?"

"Put him between your legs, that'll warm him up."

"Well, what about the smell?"

"You can hold it's nose, can't you?"

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People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

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My wife just said, "It's your turn next, what do you want for Father's Day?"

"A blowjob" I replied.

"Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?"

I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

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Swearing Little Johnny

During class little Johnny kept swearing, everything was fuck this and fuck that.

Teacher, "Johnny, that is not a word a ten year old should be using."

Little Johnny, "There are worse words than that miss, like murder and death."

Teacher, "No Johnny, the word you keep saying is much, much worse than murder and death."

Little Johnny, "I disagree miss, I bet you would rather be fucked than killed."

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Kill the Dragon

An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a virgin from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.

One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.

Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.

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A genie says: I'll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

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Irish Wedding Reception

At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who made your life worth living..."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death

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Have you read the news?

I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice paddy when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack paddy whack.

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A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."

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Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.

β€”Anthony Jeselnik

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Why did the blonde starve to death?

Her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said, "Do not eat."

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What is the most common death among square dancers?

Over Do-se-do.

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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

The judge says First offender?

She says No, first a Gibson, then a Fender

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They say love produces the same effects as cocaine

And certainly whenever I make love it involves the death of an orphaned Columbian street child.

- Credit to Frankie Boyle

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Death Jokes for a homework assignment?

I'm taking a psychology of death and dying class, and one of the assignments is to dig up some jokes about death, dead people, dying, etc. Whatever you post here will probably make it into my paper. Anything you can think of will help and I'll probably end up laughing my ass off reading through here.

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My grandma was recently beaten to death..

She came in just after my granddad

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I went into my sons room and found a mouse, so I stamped it to death.

It would have been so much easier if there wasn't a fucking cage around it.

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Why didn't the Chinese guy get any time off from work when he told them about his son's death?

They didn't bereave him

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What happened to the brain eating zombie that went to Washington?

He starved to death.

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A black person, a Asian and a Mexican jump out of a plane. Who wins? Society.

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There is a one difference between death and taxes...

...at least death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.

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Names

The mother of three children is lying in the hospital on her death bed.
Her daughter Rose walks in, "Mom, why did you name me rose?" "Because the day you were born a rose petal fell on your head so we named you 'Rose.'"
Then, her daughter Orchid asked her, "Mom, then how come I'm named Orchid?" "Because when you were born, an orchid petal fell out of the sky onto your head so we named you 'Orchid.'"
"HIMYefbeuykfhikgfshk9wih8mhkjfmblafkjkc!!!11!" "Shut the hell up, Cinder Block."

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Before invention of electricity

Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.

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A hitman was caught by the police one day.

After a long interrogation he confessed that he was hired beat to a man to death in a rice field and he did it using 2 small porcelain figures. Police say that this was the first case in town of a knick knack paddy whack.

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Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

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51 Danes and 50 Norwegians were on a plane...

With no floor, and the passengers were hanging on a strap attached to the roof. The captain yelled: "The plane is too heavy! One of you have to fall to your death!" A Dane raised his hand and said: "I'll do it". Then all the Norwegians clapped their hands.

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What does a death row inmate get after their last meal?

Their just desserts.

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Human Cannonball

Following the tragic death of the human cannonball at the local fair, a spokesman said, "We'll struggle to get another man of his calibre".

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On the day of Michael Jackson's death

The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.

The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"

"I reckon the roller coaster."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best death jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about death. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty death gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these death jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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