death Jokes

funny death jokes and hilarious stories

WHAT ARE THE BEST DEATH JOKES

Death jokes are one of the most funny and hilarious. Here is list with the Top 618 death jokes to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 Death jokes of all time along with the funniest death sayings and gags ever told.

WHAT ARE Death JOKES ABOUT?

Death is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about death.

Are Death jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring death joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also view death jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with death jokes on YouTube.

FUNNY DEATH JOKES

What are the funniest death jokes of all time? Laugh with some of the best death funny lines ever said. Here are the rest of all 618 jokes that are about death.

Bill Gates died in a car accident.
He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”
Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”
God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.”
Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”
“Fine,” said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
“Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God.
“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.
Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment,
“This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”
God says, “That was the screen saver”.

An Atheist dies in a car crash and wakes up in a big dark room with a sign above a single door: "Welcome to Hell!"
"Shit! So the Shavelings were right after all!" the Atheist thinks, opens the door – and is stunned by the view!
A marvelous beach!
Crystal blue water, white sand, palm trees, the sun is shining and all around there are people laughing, having fun and listening to happy music or enjoying excellent food and drinks.rnLucifer, dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt, greets the Atheist, hands him a fantastic- looking cocktail and says cheerfully:
"Hey! Welcome to Hell. Have a drink, have a snack. Take a look around and enjoy yourself! See you later!"
Totally speechless at first, the Atheist finally starts to take a look around, is greeted everywhere, listens to people´s stories about their mortal lives and takes a stroll down the beach.
After a few minutes into the walk, he starts hearing cries of pain, wailing, shouts, and screams and decides to follow that noises.
Finally, the Atheist arrives at the rim of a big, black hole, takes a look down and is scared to the bone!
Down there, the place is all fire, sulfur, brimstone!
Rivers of lava, gnarled trees, and among it all the lost souls, being tormented forever by demons and devils.
"Whoa! Take it easy!"
Lucifer jumps right in to prevent the Atheist from falling into that pit and he stumbles backward, drops into the sand and stammers:
"Wha... what the HELL is that place?"
Lucifer looks down, shrugs and says: "Oh, that´s the Catholic´s department. They want it that way."

A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him.
He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have.
She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.”
The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.”
She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.”
The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have.
A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments.
As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way.
Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind.
As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him.
“Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for?
Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain.
“I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.”

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.
On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.
After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.
"I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.
Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Once there was a farmer.
He had two teenage sons.
This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death.
He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks.
These ducks were retarded.
They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal.
He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could.
The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard.
The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks.He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it.
He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse.
He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck.
One girl said fine.
After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore.
The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again.
She agreed.
After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash.
The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car.
The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely.
The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck.
She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got.
He proudly displayed the 10 dollars.
The farmer was impressed.
He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing.
I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."

A Gujarati Funeral…
A family in Gujarat got simply puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Puj. Ba) arrived from the US.
It was sent by one of the Daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to all her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben & Varsha,
I am sending Puj. Ba’s dead body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Kadhywad, GUJARAT, India.
Sorry, I could not come, all of my paid leaves got consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, 5 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates, 8 packets of Badam and few items for Kids.
Please divide these among all of you.
Near Ba’s feet, you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons.
Hope the sizes are correct!
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.
The large size is for Mohan and rest you can decide.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist.
Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for.
Please take it.
The few pairs of white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among all the Nephews.
Please distribute all these above items fairly & equally.
Yours loving sister, Anubhavi
P.S.: If anything more needed, let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days…

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."
"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.
"That's easy," said St. Peter. "you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay.
She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. "Well, heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell."
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, "I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."
The devil smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again.
So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up.
After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.”
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone.
He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?”
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”

CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best death jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 618 jokes about death. Most of the jokes are suitable for kids, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read jokes for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty death jokes to your kids.

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