Dear Lord Jokes
39 dear lord jokes and hilarious dear lord puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dear lord that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dear Lord Short Jokes
Short dear lord jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dear lord humour may include short dear jokes also.
- So a Cop pulls over a Priest... Cop: Have you had anything to drink today?
Priest: Just water.
Cop: Then why does it smell like wine in here?
Priest: Dear Lord, he's done it again! - Dear Master of mockery, Sovereign of Sarcasm, Immortal of Irony, Jack of Jest, Lord of Levity, How shalt I hone my humor? Use common words, s**....
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Dear Lord One Liners
Which dear lord one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dear lord? I can suggest the ones about dear friend and dark lord.
- Dear Lord, thank you for these noodles Ramen.
- Dear Lord please give me patience... For if you give me strength, I'll kill that idiot...
- Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it...
Dear Lord Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about dear lord you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lord prayer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dear lord pranks.
After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.
She warns him that he'll f**... his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually f**... his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me f**... my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven.
There is a brouhaha.
Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem.
Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls.
It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.
The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.
"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a c**...? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the c**....
As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another c**... because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second c**....
As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more c**.... Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third c**....
During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".
Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
Irish guy in a parking lo
theres an Irish guy driving through a packed parking lot. Upset, he shouts "dear lord, if ya help me find a parkin spot I swear on me moothers grave that I will give up mah whiskey." Just then a car backed out of a spot in front of him. Suprised, he then shouts "Nevermind lord, I found one!"
Jogger finds a tennis ball
So Joe is out jogging alongside a tennis court. Unspurprisingly, he spots a tennis ball which has gone over the net. It's getting late and nobody's left playing, he figures they just left the ball there.
So Joe picks up the ball and puts it in his shorts pocket, to play with his dog later. He runs off, and stops by his regular watering hole to rehydrate. One of his friends spots the bulge in his shorts and asks:
"What have you got there Joe?"
"That? That's a tennis ball."
"Dear lord, and I thought having a tennis elbow was bad!"
Socrates' Beloved
Socrates beloved dog died. He went to his Greek priest and asked if he could arrange a regular church service for his dearly departed. The priest was outraged and berated the parishioner for suggesting his dog receive holy services. Dismayed, Socrates turned away mumbling, 'Now what am I to do with the five thousand Euros we saved for the serviced?' 'Good Lord, my son, come back; why didn't you say he was Orthodox?'
Tom Jones Fever
A guy walks into his doctor's office one afternoon and says "Doc, I can't sleep. When I lay on my right side, I hear the song 'Delilah'. When I lay on my left side, I hear the song 'The Green Green Grass of Home', what's wrong with me?" The doctor pauses for a moment before saying "Oh dear lord...it sounds like a bad case of Tom Jones Fever" The man replies "Tom Jones Fever? I've never heard of that. Is it common?" The doctor says "Well, it's not unusual."
Retirement bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my w**... to my t**....' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's w**... and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your t**...?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.
Patty O'Mally
So Patty O'Mally is running late to an extremely important meeting in downtown Dublin. He has been driving around and around for blocks and can not find a parking space. He is feeling panicky and anxious. Finally in desperation, he cries out to the Lord in Heaven, "Dear God! Please help me find a parking space so I can getto this meeting on time, please please help me! If you help me, I will do anything, in fact I promise to always go to church every Sunday and I swear to quit drinking Irish whiskey for the rest of me days." As he finished his devout prayer, lo and behold, a parking space opens up. Patty quickly takes the spot and shouts to Heaven, "Never mind Lord, I found a space!"
A man goes out for a walk in the woods.
Suddenly, he sees something out of the corner of his eye. He starts walking closer, curious, when all of a sudden, a huge mound of fur jumps in front of him.
It's a grizzly bear.
Absolutely terrified, the man thinks to himself, 'Welp, time to pray.' But what to pray for?
Suddenly, a brilliant idea comes to him.
"Dear God, please make this bear a Christian. Christians can't kill people."
A second later, the bear drops to its knees, and puts its paws together in a manner akin to praying, and growls. "Dear Lord, I thank you for this meal I am about to receive."
A man goes hunting...
He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".
Hueh.
p**... is standing at the edge of Ireland praying
p**... is standing at the edge of Ireland praying,
"Dear lord, I wish to see my mother and father in America, but I cannot fly because I'm scared of heights, and I cannot sail because I'm afraid of drowning"
And God answers him, "p**..., if you cannot sail and you cannot fly, what would you like me to do?". p**... replies, "You could build a bridge reaching all the way across the Atlantic ocean to New York", and God says "p**... this is something I cannot do, the Atlantic ocean is far too large and deep for any bridge to be built".
p**... thinks for a second and says "Well, could you give me the ability to understand a woman's brain?", and God replies "Do you want lights on that bridge?"
p**... is a poor Irish farmer...
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...
When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
The woman in the store
A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.
Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?
The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"
A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."
The dinner prayer
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...
Little Boy: But I dont know how to pray
Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
Little Boy: "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor n**... ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work."
At dinner, Little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer...
"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.
"Okay", the boy said.
"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"
**Dinner was canceled!**
A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner
BOY: But I don't know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.
BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor n**... ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.
Dear Lord, you have given me a great childhood
It was beautiful
Then you've taken it away
Dear Lord, then you've given me a great youth
It was beautiful
Then you've taken it away
Then, Dear Lord you've given me a wife
Oh, I'm just reminding
A nun is leaving church one evening.....
A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely n**.... The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here n**... in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,
"Father John likes to have a couple cold ones after mass"
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
The blob.
A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob.
"What is that?" asked the teacher. "The flea," answered the artist.
"What flea, dear?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"The one the Angel told Joseph to take."
Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew 2:13 "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt..........."
A man's clothes got caught on a loose edge of the train track just as the train was approaching
Not able to free him himself, he began to pray. "Save me Lord and I'll start going to church and maybe even help the poor." As the train drew closer and closer and his clothes were still caught, he began to pray more fervently. "Oh Dear Lord Almighty, I'll give up drinking, I'll donate all my savings to charity, I'll be a better man, just please please save me from this oncoming train!"
As he finished his prayer, the fabric of his clothes ripped just a little bit and he came free just in time as the train rushed past. The man looked up to the sky and shouted, "Never mind, God. I took care of it myself."
A woman brings her son to the beach
She fusses over him and tells him to be careful when he goes in the water. Suddenly she sees a wave hit him and the ocean pulls him under. The woman screams and runs to the water. Falling to her knees she begs God, dear lord, please bring my only son back to me. Please lord, he's all I have in my life. Moments later the sun shines down from beyond the clouds and the boy, coughing but alive, steps out of the water. The mother looks up at the sky and yells he had a hat!
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
A little girl in her Sunday best was running...
A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late." At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!"
A flat Earther goes to heaven.
A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat ? "
God replies, "It is round, my dear child."
The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This whole thing goes much higher than I thought."
Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.