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Deals Jokes

72 deals jokes and hilarious deals puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deals that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy a laugh reading about the ups and downs of negotiating a deal. From funny stories about closing deals to humorous pleas for promotional offers, these jokes will have you smiling.

Funniest Deals Short Jokes

Short deals jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deals humour may include short dealt jokes also.

  1. Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
  2. Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
  3. Sometimes I just wish I was black. That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes
  4. As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
  5. I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . . . . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
  6. For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
  7. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.. ..if you're not willing to deal with the reaper cushions.
  8. I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
  9. People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.
  10. I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs! I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

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Deals One Liners

Which deals one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deals? I can suggest the ones about bargain and sells.

  1. I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.
  2. Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.
  3. My favourite word in the world is "bargain". It means a great deal to me.
  4. Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
  5. My doctor told me I am anorexic Now I have that to deal with on top of being fat
  6. Why was "Art of the Deal" so long? It had six Chapter 11s.
  7. What I deal with as a parking attendant… It's a lot.
  8. What's the deal with airline food these days... nothing but knuckle sandwiches.
  9. I repaired my drum after my son broke it... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
  10. Deal with your problems like Jesus did Pretend you're dead and disappear for three days.
  11. I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
  12. I don't see why people say dealing with cancer is hard I'm already on stage four
  13. What's the deal with Orions belt? Waste of space!
    Bad joke? Okay okay
    3 stars
  14. Today I got a good deal from Comcast.
  15. I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment. When I opened it, the box was empty.

Closing Deals Jokes

Here is a list of funny closing deals jokes and even better closing deals puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife said she couldn't deal with my OCD anymore. I said fine, open and close the door five times and leave.
  • What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe? You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.
  • This one has always tickled me! My father is the inventor of the rear view mirror. He means a great deal to me but looking back we're not as close as we seem!
  • What is a Mexicans closing sales pitch? Kay-so-deal-a?

Desk Deals Jokes

Here is a list of funny desk deals jokes and even better desk deals puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot? He didn't like dealing with reservations.
Deals joke, Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?

Deals joke, Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?

Giggle-Inducing Deals Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about deals you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean offer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deals pranks.

I got chatting to a bird down the pub last night.

She said, "So what do you work as?"
"It's a very important job," I said. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."
"Wow, a football agent?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonald's."

I heard that they're coming up with a new Tron movie which deals with particle physics...

Its called new-Tron.

Black monday is way better then black friday,

look at the deals these people in Ferguson are getting. Stuff is free!!

I'm going to St. Louis to do my Black Friday shopping.

I hear the deals are a riot.

I'm going to do my Christmas shopping in Missouri.

I hear the deals are so hot the stores are practically on fire!

I know where the best Black Friday deals are...

Ferguson.

Why don't Jedi mathematicians use the absolute value function?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.
^and ^it's ^non-differentiable ^at ^0

What do you call a coffee shop where drug deals go down?

The trappé!

What do you call a police officer that deals in sibling r**...

An Incestigator

Why is v**... Obi-Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink?

Because only a Sith deals in Absolut.

Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too.

50% off

Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

Great deals on circumcisions,

Half off!

A shopkeeper was dismayed...

when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS! To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading LOWEST PRICES! He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.

I don't know why they call them drug deals...

That s**...'s expensive!

On the anniversary of Harambe's death...

the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear

because they won't make cents any more.

Why did Obi-wan not do his math homework?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

I JUST BOUGHT A BOAT!

I can't wait to see all the ads for better deals I'm going to get on Facebook!!!!

What's the difference between a fortune teller and a farmer with r**... bunnies

One deals with tarot cards while the other deals with carrot tards.

My wife said to me if I don't stop quoting Star Wars she's going to leave me

I replied "Only a Sith deals in absolutes"

Why couldn't Luke calculate Abs(-1)?

Only a sith deals in absolutes.

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

Looking at the Father's day deals, my gf asked why there was never much buzz about Mother's day in the US.

Maybe the most hyped days exist to remember the ones who left.

What do you call the an ant in a colony who is responsible for establishing incoming trade deals with other ant colonies?

Import-ant

Donald Trump seems to be great at pulling out of deals.

Shame his dad didn't have such a strong pull out game.

My wife told me she was tired of me always talking about StarWars and nothing else

I told her only a Sith deals in absolutes

What's the difference between Michael Avenatti and the average veterinarian?

One deals with Stormy Daniels, one deals with wormy spaniels.

Why are realtors good at selling houses?

They're good at ceiling deals.

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"
But then an idea struck him!
The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

How do you approach a Care Bear that deals in absolutes?

Carefully.

Which Transformer has the best deals?

Amazon Prime

Why won't Obi-Wan mix you a v**... cocktail?

Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

why is it general kenobi and not specific kenobi ?

only a sith deals in absolutes

So my dirty gay brother got caught s**... a dolphin last night.

He's a pinball champion, he earns thousands in sponsorship deals, so I was astonished. I asked him why he did it.
He said his extra ball got jammed in the wrong flipper.

A new Vietnamese restaurant opened across from another, and the owners have been throwing competitive deals all week.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain...

...pound for pound.

I recently started a recruitment agency that only deals with the underground mining industry.

It's called, Staff It Where The Sun Don't Shine.

Products with what deals do pornstars buy?

Bang for buck.

I hear the best deals on lipo-suction can be found in Great Britain...

...Pound for pound.

A man walks into a Music Shop and asks for a Lute.

'Hi, I'm looking for a Lute, but it's a special one, very rare, exquisite Craftmanship by a company called Abso.' I said.
'I'm sorry' said the music shop man, 'I don't have any by Abso, but you should try the Sikh music shop down the road. They'll have them'.
'Why is that?' I asked.
'Only a Sikh deals in Abso Lutes' said the shopkeeper.

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.
Everyone antes up but the cat.
The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"
Cat:

Who opens stuck jar lids in a lesbian relationship?

Usually, it's the male side who deals with stubborn jars in a straight relationship. But who to be charged with this sacred duty in a lesbian relationship?
The answer is no one, they eat out all the time.

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first

He said he only deals with known quantitties.

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"
The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
The mathematician start writing formulas and within half an hour he announces he can prove that there is a solution.
The lawyer takes the journalist to the side and whispers, how much do you want it to be?

A man wants to buy some meat at his local Deli

A man walks in to Simpsons Deli and asks the butcher, "Do you have any deals going on right now?"
The butcher replies, "Sure we do! You can get 20 Chicken b**... for $40, a full cow for $500, or half the meat for $499!"
The man scratches head in confusion and gets angry at the butcher for having ludicrous pricing, "How come a full cow is $500, and for half the meat it's a dollar less, who would ever do that!"
The butcher replies, "Well it's quite simple, don't halve a cow, man!"

Bomb diffusal tech on being asked how he deals with the stress of the job

It's not stressful, I'm either right or it's suddenly not my problem.

We shouldn't have let this duck move in with us

He uses too much fowl language and deals quack c**...

Deals joke, We shouldn't have let this duck move in with us

jokes about deals