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Dealer Jokes

154 dealer jokes and hilarious dealer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dealer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your friends and family laugh with our collection of funny jokes about all kinds of dealers, from drug dealers to car dealers, antique dealers to card dealers, scrap dealers to arms dealers, and more. Whether you're looking for a quick one-liner or something longer and more complex, we have the perfect dealer jokes for you!

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Funniest Dealer Short Jokes

Short dealer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dealer humour may include short seller jokes also.

  1. I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  2. I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"
  3. "We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given." I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
  4. You are what you think you are Her: What do you do?
    Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
    Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
    Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.
  5. My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer" I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"
  6. Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in vegas,... Blackjack Dealer
    Because they hit on anything under 17.
  7. Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
  8. Just Bought the new Dodge Hornet EV and ended up with two cars Dealer said I also needed a Dodge Charger
  9. My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise... He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in
  10. I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer" Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

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Dealer One Liners

Which dealer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dealer? I can suggest the ones about broker and vendor.

  1. My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
  2. I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
  3. Why was the Tyrannosaurus rex selling handguns? Because he was a small arms dealer.
  4. What is the job of a T-Rex? A small arms dealer.
  5. Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
  6. What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle? A drug peddler
  7. What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military? An arms dealer.
  8. My dad is a blackjack dealer. He hit me until I was 21.
  9. I sell prosthetics for children... I'm a small arms dealer
  10. I asked my dealer if he had any sodium hypobromite He replied 'NaBrO'
  11. My drug dealer is so quick I nicknamed him... Instagram
  12. Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around? Because he was a cinna-mon
  13. What do you call a reliable coke dealer? Instagram
  14. My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer. He just doesn't know it.
    RIP Mitch.
  15. Whats a lesbian drug dealers favorite game? Rock, paper, scissor

Arms Dealer Jokes

Here is a list of funny arms dealer jokes and even better arms dealer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did T-rex have to register with police? He was a small arms dealer.
    I'm very sorry, I'll show myself out.
  • What do you call... What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
    A small arms dealer.
  • I once met a T-rex who was working at a casino. He said he was hiding out from the cops.
    I think he was a small arms dealer.
  • There's a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street. He's an arms dealer.
  • I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits... He was a small arms dealer.
  • In the future, if technology makes it possible to replace human limbs And its common enough that you can buy them in stores, will midgets go to small arms dealers?
  • What do you call a midget that works at a casino? A small arms dealer.
  • Did you hear about the arms dealer who's giving away M18 Claymores with every purchase? Oh, I'm gonna get mines.
  • 18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.
  • Why didn't the casino hire the T-rex? They didn't want to hire a small arms dealer.

Car Dealer Jokes

Here is a list of funny car dealer jokes and even better car dealer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When one door closes another one opens That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!
  • I went to the used car dealer and bought the only thing I could afford, the Rolls-Canardly It rolls down one hill and canardly make it up the next.
  • My first and last day as a drug dealer. Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.
  • A man buying a car He looked at the car and questioned:
    -cargo space?
    The car dealer said:
    -car no do that
    Car go road
  • A Texan goes to a car dealership He sees a car he likes and says "Gee that's a byoot!" The Dealer responds "That's not a Buick that's a Honda!"
  • What did the car dealer ask the oscilloscope? sin or cosine?
  • My car dealer will subtract the number of upvotes from my purchase price. When I spend more than $100 000
  • I asked my local car dealer if the car he was showing me was his newest one. He replied by saying, you can look around, but your mileage will vary .
  • I bought a secondhand car from an online dealer. In the description it said: "Not one scratch." Well, technically he wasn't lying - there's hundreds.
  • I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - "drive in the opposite direction then" he said.

Casino Dealer Jokes

Here is a list of funny casino dealer jokes and even better casino dealer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is it so easy to buy drugs at a casino? Because the casinos are full of dealers.
  • What is a casino dealer's worst nightmare? Master Better

Blackjack Dealer Jokes

Here is a list of funny blackjack dealer jokes and even better blackjack dealer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How does a blackjack dealer sneak about? He shuffles a round.
  • Why wouldn't R. Kelly make a good blackjack dealer? He hits on 17
  • A blackjack dealer left his wife behind at their marriage counseling appointment... he just couldn't deal with it anymore

Drug Dealer Jokes

Here is a list of funny drug dealer jokes and even better drug dealer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • PSA: Don't buy shoes from your drug dealer. Trust me. I did. I don't know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day.
  • Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies? Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.
  • Drug test A couple of days ago I had to do a drug test and it came up negative. Now, I have to have a serious talk with my dealer...
  • The local mechanic was arrested for being a drug dealer. I've been his customers for 4 years and I never knew he was a mechanic.
  • There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day. Fortunately, mine came out clean.
    But my dealer has some explaining to do.
  • My former drug dealer quit dealing and is now working as a bartender... I always knew he'd end up behind bars.
  • What's the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs? A thin white line.
  • I got beaten up after I told a customer we don't have coke, is Pepsi okay? My first and last day as a drug dealer.
  • I just passed a drugs test at work. Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.
  • Did you know that most drug dealers are exceptionally good at their job? They are highly qualified.
Dealer joke, Did you know that most drug dealers are exceptionally good at their job?

Cheerful Fun Dealer Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about dealer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean merchant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dealer pranks.

So I went to my Hipster drug dealer last night...

He gave me an instagram

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Who makes more money - a drug dealer or a p**...?

The p**...- she can wash her crack and resell it.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Money doesn't grow on trees

unless you are a p**... dealer

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Hans meets an art dealer on vacation

A German man is on vacation in Spain. He sees a local man selling artwork, so he goes over and checks out his wares. He notices a print of Picasso's Guernica on an easel. The German asks did you do this? , to which the Spaniard replied, nope. you did.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A Blackjack dealer is arrested for p**......

He will hit on anything 16 and under.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a p**...?

A p**... can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I bought a new car; it was broken. So I took it to the dealer.

He said, "Look man, I just sell w**.... I don't know how to fix the car."

My therapist thinks I have a drug problem. My dealer says she's overreacting.

My Drug Dealer

I don't even care that my drug dealer's a woman.
She's a real heroine.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual?

One's crack is in a j**... and the other's junk is in a crack.

I got my drug dealer arrested the other day

Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling c**... in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do you call a drug dealer in a s**... club

A hardened criminal

You hear about that failed drug dealer?

He couldn't cut it.

A man walks into a Lada dealership

... and says, "I'd like a hubcap for my Lada," so the dealer says: " that sounds like a fair swap."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I sell prosthetics to midgets who are amputees...

I'm a small arms dealer.

You know the joke about the guy who buys his shoes from his drug dealer?

I wonder why he chose that dude to be his sole supplier.

I always wanted to be a drug dealer

But I had trouble getting into medical school

Idiot and Chicken

An idiot decided to start a chicken
farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he
returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the
first
lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for
another
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I
think I know
where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am
planting them too
deep."

What do you call a Royal Drug Dealer?

Your Highness.

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

w**... ain't a drug, its a plant.

Therefore I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist

Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...

I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous

Gambling is like drugs

The dealer always wins

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why did the j**... keep accidentally calling his dealer?

Because he had him on speed dial.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The drug dealer was very hard to find.

Luckily, the police were able to w**... him out.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets n**... and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night?

Their drug dealer

Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks

Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why was the antique dealer considered a p**...?

She was selling one night stand

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Whats the difference between a w**... dealer and a pilot?

A w**... dealer has less chances of killing you when he gets you high

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A guy tries to sell his first painting ever...

So he goes to an art dealer to show it to him.
"What is it titled?" - the dealer asks.
"Me at the bar, drinking."
"But all I see is two n**... bodies. Who are they?"
"My neighbor and my wife, f\*cking"
"And where are you?"
"At the bar, drinking."

What do you call a rural drug dealer?

A Farmacist

Guys, I think my son's a drug dealer...

I got him a Fitbit for Christmas and he gets 10,000 steps every night.

Karen visits an art gallery

Karen: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon Ma'am, that is a mirror.

What makes dealer dealer?

Being more deal

When I go to casinos, the most...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia?

Narco Polo

What do you call a clumsy drug dealer?

Falter White

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I think my w**... dealer gave me corona

I've got a chronic cough.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What's the difference between a p**... and a drug dealer?

A p**... can sell her crack and use it again

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

Why did the FBI investigate the duck?

He was a known quack dealer

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made c**... violins."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of w**..., a couple of tabs of l**..., oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?
Me: Anagram of c**....

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Whats the best way to reach your m**... dealer?

Speed dial

Dealer joke, Whats the best way to reach your m**... dealer?

jokes about dealer