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Deal Jokes

134 deal jokes and hilarious deal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about deal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a few laughs? Check out this collection of hilarious deal jokes from the world of contract offers and packages. Explore the quirks of the Craigslist New Deal, the Big Deal and more with these witty and thought provoking jokes.

Funniest Deal Short Jokes

Short deal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The deal humour may include short trade jokes also.

  1. Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
  2. Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
  3. Sometimes I just wish I was black. That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes
  4. As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
  5. I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . . . . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
  6. For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
  7. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.. ..if you're not willing to deal with the reaper cushions.
  8. I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
  9. People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.
  10. I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs! I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

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Deal One Liners

Which deal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with deal? I can suggest the ones about offer and sell.

  1. I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.
  2. Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.
  3. My favourite word in the world is "bargain". It means a great deal to me.
  4. Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
  5. My doctor told me I am anorexic Now I have that to deal with on top of being fat
  6. Why was "Art of the Deal" so long? It had six Chapter 11s.
  7. What I deal with as a parking attendant… It's a lot.
  8. What's the deal with airline food these days... nothing but knuckle sandwiches.
  9. I repaired my drum after my son broke it... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
  10. Deal with your problems like Jesus did Pretend you're dead and disappear for three days.
  11. I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
  12. I don't see why people say dealing with cancer is hard I'm already on stage four
  13. What's the deal with Orions belt? Waste of space!
    Bad joke? Okay okay
    3 stars
  14. Today I got a good deal from Comcast.
  15. I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment. When I opened it, the box was empty.

Big Deal Jokes

Here is a list of funny big deal jokes and even better big deal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.
  • A prisoner digs a hole out of jail.... .... and ends up in a toddler playground
    and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
    and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"
  • This St. Patrick's day I drank too much and had to take a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
  • People always tell me I shouldn't give my cat a bath... I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly, it's fine once I get all the hair off my tongue.
  • I went out drinking last night and took a bus home That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
  • The USA is proud because their Founding Fathers had strong convictions Big deal the founders of Australia had convictions too.
  • I genuinely complemented on a coworkers moustache, Now she's making a big deal with HR about it.
  • Why is Alzheimer's better than Parkinson's? Because it's no big deal to forget a beer but a tragedy to spill a beer.
  • Names T Rex and I can meet your needs for handheld weaponry​... I'm kind of a big deal in the small arms trade
  • I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

New Deal Jokes

Here is a list of funny new deal jokes and even better new deal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the polka band get a great deal on their new instruments? They bought them at a polka-dot sale!
  • What's the deal with this new thing called Fortnite? Saw it a couple of weeks ago
  • I always skip the gym the first week of the new year I can't deal with the crowds.
    I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.
  • I heard that they're coming up with a new Tron movie which deals with particle physics... Its called new-Tron.
  • Theresa May to host new game show! Neither Deal Nor No Deal
  • I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.
  • I heard Barcelona is ironing out a new deal with their best player. It might get Messi
  • A new Vietnamese restaurant opened across from another, and the owners have been throwing competitive deals all week. It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
  • The green new deal is actually a national security bill. With out any airplanes there will be no more hijackings.
  • It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house. # Blackfliesmatter
Deal joke, It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests,

Meal Deal Jokes

Here is a list of funny meal deal jokes and even better meal deal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals. They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.
  • That perfect three-meals-for-one deal... ...ends up being a three-meals-for-dinner.
  • Just got the 'Oasis' meal deal. A packet of crisps, a bottle of coke and any item from the bakery... ...I got a roll with it.
  • Booze booze the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink booze for every meal.

Deal With The Devil Jokes

Here is a list of funny deal with the devil jokes and even better deal with the devil puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A cucumber made a deal with the devil. He is quite in a pickle now.
    Source: Stole it.
  • The Devil went down to Georgia . . . And obviously reneged on his deal with Falcons fans.
  • They say John Mayer made a deal with the devil... Nobody knows what John got, but the devil got guitar lessons!
  • Did you hear about the cobbler who made a deal with the devil? He sold his sole
  • Why doesn't the devil make deals with gingers? Because gingers have no souls.

Package Deal Jokes

Here is a list of funny package deal jokes and even better package deal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • They were having a sale at the hospital for vasectomies... It was a package deal.
  • If they ever start charging for air... I'll buy a bag of chips, at least it will be a package deal.
Deal joke, If they ever start charging for air...

Gather Around for Fun Deal Jokes and Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about deal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exchange jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make deal pranks.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some w**... with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

Einstein walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What's the deal, Einstein? You look like you're out of energy tonight."
Einstein responds: "Eh, no matter."
[BTW this was original]

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

New Earring

John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".
"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.
"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"
... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

What do s**... and air have in common?

It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.
Heard on the radio.

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "

As I was paying for a 15 year old e**... I thought...

...I'm getting a really good deal on this car.

A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .

When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.
Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?
Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.
Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.
Cowboy: Well now you have.
Woman: Well?
Cowboy: Well what?
Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?
Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?
Woman: I'm a lesbian.
Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.
Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.
Cowboy: . . . .
The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
harharhar.

A guy meets a h**... in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."
The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 &100 dollar notes and says "Paint... My... House."

Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a s**..., a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

I guess I'll deal with him later.

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of v**...?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

How is s**... like air?

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...

A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"

Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?
Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50
Such a deal maker.

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that h**... is the worst person in history

I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

A woman is sitting at her husband's f**... listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his t**....
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

I think same gender couples should not be able to get kids.

No matter how good they are, having 2 dads forces the poor kids to deal with TWICE the dad jokes. Having 2 mom's isn't much better, they're all gonna end up in an "Ask your mom" loop

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.

After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.

\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.

Woman goes to a doctor with a t**... lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?
Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!
Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?
Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear
One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...
...no strings attached!

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)

Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.
There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal.
Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived.
500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some w**... with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

‪watching the US government deal with the Coronavirus is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort's return.

change my mind.

Why is v**... so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

A man walks up to the Widow at a f**... and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.
The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".
The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,
"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

A close friend recently died, and at the f**... I asked if I could say a word

The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".
Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

I witnessed an actual m**... in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 p**... of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my p**....
Husband : Which people?
(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

A taste of what my wife has to deal with

My wife was stepping on my back and she suddenly asked "How do dominatrixs not kill people when they do this with stilettos. Do they have to get certified or classes?"
I told her "The only certification for d**... is a master's degree"
Top tier groan in response.

A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.

He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big b**... deal, I'm four".

Three men walk into a bar…

They have no money, so the bartender makes a deal with them:
I hear that the punch served at that party over there is really good, go get me some, and your drinks are free.
So o**... goes over and gets the punch. When he returns, the bartender is a bit surprised.
Well that was fast
Well, yeah, the guy replies there was no punchline.

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for decades to come. All I ask in return is the souls of your wife and your three children."
The lawyer sits with his head in his hands, thinking for several minutes. Finally he says, "Okay, what's the catch?"

old joke

Husband is standing next to his dying wife. Wife tells him darling before i die i have a confession to make, please open up the box that is under the bed. Husband does it and finds 50k dollars and 3 chicken eggs. The man asks what's the deal with the 3 eggs?. Wife explains that every time she cheated on him she would put 1 egg inside the box. The husband says to her, well we were married almost 50 years, 3 eggs is not a lot, but honey what about the 50k?. Whenever I had a dozen eggs I would sell them.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

Deal joke, 400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

jokes about deal