Deaf Jokes

Following is our collection of communicate puns and ear one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Deaf jokes for adults, dirty mute jokes and clean senseless dad gags for kids.

The Best Deaf Puns

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk.

That is not a good sign.


A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf

What are the symptoms? The doctor asks

They're that yellow family that live in Springfield

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I've won, but at what cost?

I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?

Edward, says her hands.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.


A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

If a deaf person goes to court

Is it still a hearing?

I told my girlfriend that mom is deaf, so be sure to speak loud and slow…

Told mom that my girlfriend is retarded…

(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?

So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven't heard from him since.


A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

What do we want?

Hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Hearing aids!

When a deaf girl jacks you off

It's technically oral

Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.

Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

How do you end two deaf persons' arguing?

Switch off the light.

My best friend got cheated on by his deaf girlfriend...

His girlfriend cheated on him with a deaf guy... To be fair, he should've seen the signs.

They told Beethoven he couldn't make music because he was deaf

but he didn't listen

Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist?

He had to read lips.

Everyone told Beethoven he can't compose because he was deaf

But he didn't listen

A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

A tasteless joke.

People who can't hear are called deaf.
People who can't see are called blind.
People who can't talk are called mute.

What do you call people that can't taste food?

Ethiopian

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thankyou for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

A deaf guy walks into a bar...

A deaf guy walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

Deaf guy says, "I'll have a beer."

Two deaf-mute kids were arguing.

The mother came and turned off the light.

Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.

The first nun said "the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.

The second nun said "that's great! The carrots are doing great too, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.

The deaf nun shouts "which priest you talking about?"

When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands

Because shes deaf

The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

Deaf people aren't known to be very rational

They have trouble making sound decisions.

A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Never let anyone put you down. Take my mate Jim for example. He was told just because he's deaf he can't play in an orchestra...

But did he listen...

So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

Why do deaf people make the best gynecologists?

Because they're good at reading lips.

How do deaf people meet online?

Simple, they just ask "ASL?"

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

What did the deaf nymphomaniac say?

come again?

Why do Farts Smell so Bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

How to win an argument with a deaf girl?

Turn off the lights.

A monkey walks into a bar...

...and asks the bartender:

- Do you have bananas?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
- I said, no.
- Do you have bananas?
- No, are you deaf or what? If you ask me one more time if I have bananas, I'll NAIL your tongue at the counter!

- ... Do you have nails?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?

I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi

After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen

Deaf people seem tough to me

Because they always let their fists do the talking

What do you call a deaf dog?

Doesn't matter, he ain't coming.

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up.

My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke

I replied sure

They said me too

A man is driving with his wife...

They drive past a cop when suddenly, the man's wife falls out of the car. The cop pulls the car over to talk to the man.
The cop says: "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car back there?"
The man responds: "Oh thank god! I though I was going deaf!"

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it's true and here's why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. 'Jump' I'd shout and with a boing he'd leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. 'Jump' I'd shout and the spider would just sit there. Not only had he lost his legs, he'd gone deaf too.

If a deaf person is missing a finger...

...do they speak with a lisp?

Someone told me I couldn't be a musician because I'm deaf.

But I didn't listen to them.

Murder

A blind man, a deaf man and a mute are murdered.

These are senseless killings

Hearing problems

So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:

-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?

And he says:

-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

There is an abundance of blind jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes and deaf puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any two deaf people witze you can hear about deaf.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes