Deadly Jokes

Following is our collection of death puns and fatal one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Deadly jokes for adults, dirty kills jokes and clean dead baby dad gags for kids.

The Best Deadly Puns

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony

But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

Which one of these is a deadly virus?

A. Bola

B. Bola

C. Bola

D. Bola

E. Bola


What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon?

The element of supplies

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

Did you know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen?

It protects from deadly rays.

An older couple is sitting in church

when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says

"I just let a silent but deadly fart loose. What should I do?"

The husband replies

"Get your hearing aid checked."

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle

The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"


I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming hot carbs around me, I knew that for now, escape would have to be my mission.

Mission in pasta bowl.

If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation

You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer"

The chemistry professor says to his students:

"There's deadly gas in this bottle. What steps do we take in case it breaks?"
"Fast steps"

Steve Irwin: "Crikey! It's a deadly stingray! Let's poke it worry a stick!"

Deadly Stingray: "Crikey! It's a Steve Irwin! Let's poke it with a stick!"

Why can no one hear a ninja fart?

Because they're silent but deadly.

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

What's the difference between a firearm and a firework?

Well one is banned in many us states for causing deadly injuries...

...and the other is a gun.

Doctor joke

Two doctors mortally offend each other and resolve to fight a duel. But they have no clue about the traditional dueling weapons -- swords, pistols, etc. After some thought, they decide to use the most deadly weapon of which each is an undoubted expert: They exchange prescriptions.


Did you hear about the sodium chloride with a gun?

They called it a salt with a deadly weapon.

What kind of tea is deadly to cats?

Curiosity

We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve.

We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.

What is bread's most deadly sin?

Gluteny

Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.

Once

What's the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don't know, they just have me fly the drone

Have you heard? They pulled the Steve Irwin brand of sunscreen off the shelves.

It didn't protect against deadly rays.

[NSFW] Sex at old age

A 82yo man tells his doctor, that he will marry a 23yo.

Doctor (with a smile on his face): But be careful. At this age, sex might be deadly, if you are not careful.

Man: If she dies, i marry another one.

Kids in Hawaii are tough. Some say they are the toughest kids in the USA.

Their play time is deadly serious. They are the world champions in 'The floor is lava'.

I wanted to be a vigilante but...

the heroin lifestyle is too deadly.

Two elderly women sitting on a bench....

One leans in and says "I just pulled a silent but deadly". The other leans back and says "I think you need a new hearing aid.

(I'm not taking creds for this I didn't make it up)

What can be both noble and deadly?

Argon.

A case of a deadly, brain-eating amoeba has been confirmed in Florida.

Poor thing will starve down there.

What is green, fuzzy and very deadly if it falls on you out of a tree?

A pool table.

What do you call a fear of deadly snakes?

Common sense.

Which deadly sin do bread lovers commit?

Gluten-ny

What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock?

A Diemond

If you commit one of the seven deadly sins you should be punished.

If you commit all of them you should be a politician.

How did the pepper end up getting killed?

A salt with deadly weapon

A patient goes in to see his doctor

The doctor says, I'm sorry but you have a terribly deadly disease. You only have 10 left to live.

The patient responds saying, 10 what? 10 months? 10 years?

The doctor pauses for a second, 9.

I bet ninjas have the worst gas...

...because they're silent but deadly.

What's a pig's most deadly fighting move?

Porkchop

the job description of a fart who is also an assassin?

Silent but deadly

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...

...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

Why did people use insulation containing deadly toxins?

It was asbestos they could do at the time!

There is an abundance of wanted dead or alive jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 44 funniest jokes and deadly puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any dead relatives witze you can hear about deadly.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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