Dead Parent Jokes
49 dead parent jokes and hilarious dead parent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dead parent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dead Parent Short Jokes
Short dead parent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dead parent humour may include short dead dad jokes also.
- COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.
- I'm sorry about your parents, but no spell can reawaken the dead, Harry! Except for the time turner. We'll use that to save Buckbeak.
- Madeline McCann and Harambe have a lot in common.. They're both dead and everybody blames the parents.
- What moment is Batman History was the worst for Batman? Christmas.
He lays an egg, smells bad, and Joker gets away.
Also his parents are dead. - When both of a kid's parents die, they are called an orphan. What do you call a kid with one dead parent? Sad.
- I saw a Nigerian kid the other day crying about his dead parents.... I told him to stop wasting water
- What's the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman's parents? One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.
- I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?" I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.
- I never understood why dead people were referred to as "late" until I came home drunk at 2 am to my asian parents.
- Saturday is Batman Day, but every day can be Batman Day... If your parents are dead enough.
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Dead Parent One Liners
Which dead parent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dead parent? I can suggest the ones about dead father and dead mother.
- Why is Batman so jealous of Superman? Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2
- How do you know if a dead baby is vegan? Don't worry, the parents will tell you.
- What's black and blue and about to hurt someone? Batman thinking about his dead parents.
- What do Batman's parents shout when dinners ready? NOTHING, BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD.
- I wish i was Batman Because my parents would be dead.
- If i could have any superpower it would be Batman's superpower Dead parents.
- What did the U.S airdrop the the children of Syria? Dead parents
- How do Batman's parents call him to dinner? They don't; they're dead.
Uproarious Dead Parent Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about dead parent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dead parent pranks.
One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty s**.
...
All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand.
She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom.
"Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!"
"I have two words for you -- LET GO!"
The Pain Machine
A man and his wife are on their way to the hospital because the wife is soon to go into labor. When they arrive, the doctor asks them if they'd be willing to try out an experimental treatment option to alleviate the pain felt by the wife during childbirth. They decide to try it out, and the doctor hooks up a lot of electrodes between the wife and husband.
"This device will take a certain percentage of the pain that you are feeling and transfer it to the father of the child. If he is comfortable with it, you can transfer more and more of the pain, and you won't feel a thing."
She goes into labor, and the doctor starts the machine off at 10%. The husband feels fine, so he tells the doctor he can increase it if he wants to. The doctor increases to 20%, and the husband shows no signs of change. The doctor goes all the way to 35% and the husband starts to get c**... when he still feels fine.
"Know what, doc? Up it to 100%. I think I can take it."
The doctor cranks the machine to 100%, and the husband shows no outward signs of pain. "Ha, honey I knew you women complained too much about this stuff. I don't feel a thing!"
The child is born healthy, and the parents leave the hospital a few days later. They pull up at their house to see police cars in front and their neighbors crowded around. Their next-door neighbor Joe comes up to them in the car, hysterical.
"Karl! Karl! They just found the milkman dead on your front porch!"
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
A young boy was standing on the edge of a cliff.
He was crying while looking down at a burning car. A man was walking by when he saw the boy was crying so he approched him and asked "What's wrong?". The boy answered that his parents were in the burning car and that they both were dead. Then the man unzipped his pants and said "This really isn't your day,kid.."
So there's a family of rabbits on the side of the road...
Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Rabbit.
They're hopping across and BAM, a truck runs over Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.
Back on the other side, there's a family of skunks. Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Skunk.
They go waddling across the road and BAM, a truck runs offer Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.
So Baby Rabbit and Baby Skunk are sitting there on the side of the road.
The rabbit starts crying. The skunk asks him what's wrong, and the rabbit says "Well, my parents are dead and I'm all alone. I don't know where I'm going, I don't remember where I'm from, I don't even know what I am!"
The skunk looks him over and says "Well, let's see, you've got floppy ears and a cotton tail and hop when you walk, you must be a rabbit!"
The rabbit feels his ears, looks at his tail, takes a hop, and says "You're right, I'm a rabbit. I feel better!"
So they sit there a little longer, but the the skunk starts crying. The rabbit asks him what's wrong, and he says, "Well, my parents are dead too! I'm all alone, I don't know where I'm going, I don't remember where I'm from, I don't even know what I am, either!"
The rabbit looks him over and says, "Well...
You're not white and you're not black, and you smell kinda bad,
You must be a Mexican!"
Parents' Occupation!
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.
"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a h**...."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."
A rancher and his family have a milk cow...
A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."
That's my b**....
Little Johnny happened to wander into the guest bathroom one morning and noticed his grandmother taking a shower. After a moment of peering through the glass shower door, Johnny asked, "Grandma, what's that?" Startled, his grandmother replied, "That's my b**.... Now, run along and give me some privacy." Satisfied with her answer, Johnny ran off to play elsewhere. Several days later, Johnny wandered into his parents' bathroom where he witnessed his mother showering this time. Johnny pointed at his mother's c**... and declared, "Mommy, I know what that is!" His mother decided to humor the young lad. "Oh really, Johnny? What do you think it is?" "That's your b**..., mommy. Grandma has one too but hers is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."
Pronounced 'Dead' on arrival ... oops!
The soon to be new parents known as Mr. & Mrs. D. were so excited, as they were just about to give birth to their brand new daughter, whom they'd already decided to name Dea D..
Just a few minutes later, a healthy baby girl popped out but was unfortunately pronounced 'Dead' on arrival by the attending nurse who apparently had significant issues with letter spacing on medical charts.
Topical Jokes for 1/2
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid suffered fractured ribs, and broken bones in his face after falling off of a piece of exercise equipment. Reid is no stranger to injury, like the time he tried to open a jar of mayonnaise, and broke both of his legs.
In Colorado a survey determined that 90% of residents who voted to legalize m**..., would vote the same way again. The remaining 10% were too high to understand the question.
In Montana, a boy's parents rewarded him with $500 dollars after he gave up soda for a year. An hour later the boy was found dead, floating facedown in a bathtub full of Dr. Pepper.
How to play "Future You"
FUTURE YOU
How to play "Future You"
(You'll have to be over 25 to play this game)
Go to a play park, or a fair ground or a school or anywhere you might find children.
Find a child who looks enough like you.
Go up to that child when they're alone and say
"I am you from the future, those people are not your parents, I'm sorry but your real parents were dead long ago...
Now listen carefully, you need to become me.
Become the super spy the world needs!
You have to get to Mexico, forget about everyone you know, they've all been placed here by the shadow man to stop you by any means.
Just get to Mexico, you will meet who you need to meet when you get there, trust me.
Don't look back just go, GO NOW!"
This game can also be played with more players, where whoever had the kid causing the longest news story, wins...
Best (worst) Wine and Chocolate Jokes Thread
Can we do this? My parents have these c**... wine / chocolate jokes on knick knacks around their house...
*i joined the 12-step program for chocoholics -- now I'm never 12 steps away from chocolate*
Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Hate you!
*i love cooking with wine.. sometimes i even put it in the food!*
Please be dead.
Let's hear your best (worst) wine and Chocolate jokes!
Necrophilia
So my parents recently forced me to go to a psychiatrist for my necrophiliac thoughts. Having s**... with a dead girl was just a nail in the coffin.
Boyfriend meets girlfriend's parents for the first time and does a f**... at the dinner table...
...thankfully the girlfriend's dad didn't hear it and upon smelling it shouts "Champ!" at their dog sat underneath the dinner table.
A little later the boyfriend really needs to f**... again, and since the parents are blaming the dog he decides he's safe to let another one out quietly. His girlfriend notices the side-lift action this time and gives him a knowing glare but, again, her dad just shouts "Champ!"
Like clockwork, a little later the boyfriend's bowels can't keep it in and once again he needs to f**..., and since the parents aren't noticing he just goes for another silent but deadly. This time the dad stands up and shouts "Champ! Will you get out from under there before he does a p**... on your head!!"
A boy walks in on his parents having s**...
The boy, traumatized, runs out of the bedroom.
"I'll go talk to him" the father says to his wife.
The father goes to the boy's room but he isn't there. The father checks the bathroom, but he isn't there. The father checks the living room, the kitchen and both yards to no avail. Finally, the Father checks Grandma's room and finds his son giving it long and hard to his grandmother.
"Oh my God!" The father exclaims. The son looks up and stares his dad dead in the eyes,
"Not so funny when it's your mother, is it Dad?"
I'm not certain my parents' s**... life is dead.
It is concerning that my mom calls me her participation trophy though.
What NOT to say to a loved one
Dear Reddit, I learnt today that it is not a good idea to say 'I'm gonna miss you when you're dead' to your parents. Especially when they're all gathered around at a f**....
A joke my cousin sister told me when I was 9.
For 12 years Maya was the only child. She was coddled and adored by her mom and dad who gave her all the attention. So when her little sister was born, and she began to recieve less attention, she grew resentful.
She hated her little baby sister and wanted her dead. So while watching her mother breast-feed the baby, she hatched a plan.
That night, while her parents slept, she sneaked into their room and rubbed poison on her mother's n**....
When she woke the next day, she found out her dad had died.
Teacher: Your son is just like Elvis
Parents: Oh really? How?
Teacher: We found him dead on the c**....
Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living
Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"
Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"
And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
Miss Joan asks him why he's crying so much and Billy wails : "my papa is dead !"
"Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry... But what did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was like *arglhblargahrgablar*"
I was speaking to my friend today
I was speaking to my friend today who's parents just got back after a 3 week trip. I asked him, "How did you feel when you saw your parents after such a while?", to which he replied, "you know Im extremely unreactive!"
I then looked at him dead in the eyes and told him," How noble of you."
Sometimes parents are too critical.
Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."
"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."
circumcision?
I over head these two guys in a bar one night, in their 30's, discussing the subject of Circumcision.
o**... was dead set on getting it done , since his parents didn't have that done for him.
I couldn't help but to get in that convo.
I said,
"I would recommend against it!"
He asked why.
I said,
"I had it done when I was first born and I couldn't walk for over a year!"
