Dead Or Alive Jokes

One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."

One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service.

Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. "Dead!" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. "Dead!". The worm in the sweets "DEAD!" Finally the worm in the dirt, "Look at this! He is alive!"
"Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?"
Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims "If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won't get worms!"

Bill and Ted were at a bar...

Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house."

Two ladies meet in heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

three daughters

There was this dad that was an owner of a morgue that had three daughters. The dad went and picked up this guy from a heart attack. The dad told the three girls that they needed to fix and prep him for tomorrow. Well the first girl got a look at him and said he was a really charming looking guy. She pulled back his sheet and noticed he had a hard on. She thought to herself the only way to get this down was to "ride" him. So without hesitation she jumped on and rode him for thirty or so minutes. Tired and worn out and the guy still being hard the second sister jumps up and starts riding him really hard. For about thirty minutes she gets worn out. They both look at the third girl and ask her to ride him now. She looked at them and told them she couldn't because she was on her period. They both said it didn't matter because he was dead. So she hopped on rode him for another thirty minutes. Finally his hard on went down and all three girls started cheering. The guy Sat up and looked at all three girls. They asked him how he was alive. He replied well after two jump starts and blood fusion I'm alive.

Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;

Apparently your cat, Flüffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.
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In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol ---dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The 3rd worm in soil --- alive.!!
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment.?"
A kid quickly raised his hand and said.
"As long as you drink alcohol and smoke , you won't have worms in your stomach".

Air Force One Vanished

The Air Force One vanishes somewhere over a remote farm. Quickly, a rescue party is sent to the last known location. Instead of the plane, they just find a farmer on a bulldozer.
Rescuer: "Have you seen the presidents plane anywhere?"
Farmer: "Yeah it crashed on my field about an hour ago"
Rescuer: "Where is it?"
Farmer: "It was totally wrecked and everyone inside was dead, so I pushed the whole lot in a hole and buried it."
Rescuer: "The president is dead?"
Farmer: "Well he kept saying he was still alive, but you know how he lies..."

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.