Dead Mother Jokes
76 dead mother jokes and hilarious dead mother puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dead mother that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dead Mother Short Jokes
Short dead mother jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dead mother humour may include short dead grandmother jokes also.
- My Mother in law said to me: "I'll dance on your grave, when you're dead" "Good!" I said, "I'm being buried at sea."
- I found a dead mouse in my mother's basement. Honestly, I hate being a gynaecologist sometimes.
- My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages. I said "Why? Your Mum's dead".
- Your mom is so fat "Before you continue, you should know my mother is dead"
"sorry man, I didn't know"
"That's OK, it's still better than having your mom" - My girlfriend keeps complaining that chivalry is dead.. I said "Honey chivalry is alive and well, you're thinking of your mother."
Credit : Jeselnik - I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother's remains around the park. It was her dying wish. The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
- How many art students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to hang a frame around it, another to say how it reminds them of their dead mother.
- What's the difference between a dead baby and my mother? I've only ever came out of my mother
- Just attended my mother in-laws f**.... Apparently "Ding d**... The Witch is Dead" was not an appropriate song for the occasion.
Share These Dead Mother Jokes With Friends
Dead Mother One Liners
Which dead mother one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dead mother? I can suggest the ones about dead father and dead parent.
- How does Batman's mother call him to dinner? She doesn't, she's dead
- Who's your favorite Ghost-type pokemon? Mine is Cubone's dead mother.
- Even though Mark had been dead for a year His mother still missed the Mark
- Why was the mother of the dead infant okay? At least it was still born.
- My mother was in a car c**... but luckily she was okay... WAS okay, she's dead now.
- Yesterday, a r**... killed his mother, his sister and his girlfriend There was one dead
Happy Dead Mother Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about dead mother you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daughter mother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dead mother pranks.
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem.
This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers,
"I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."
The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it’s not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"
A couple went to have their baby delivered.
.. Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.....
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband both were ecstatic...
When they reached home...The cook was lying dead in the kitchen!
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "
Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?"
After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor".
The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair".
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news".
The doctor replies, "He's dead".
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Dead Baby Jokes?
A mother who has just given birth waits expectantly for the nurse to return so she can hold her baby. A few minutes pass, and the nurse enters with the baby in her hands. The nurse then drops the baby on the ground, stomps on it's head and kicks it out of the window. The mother starts screaming 'My baby, my baby!!'
The nurse looks at the lady and says 'April Fools! He was already dead!'
They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...
... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.
The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.
Soup for the Mind in riddle form
1. a rooster lays an egg at the very top of a pointed roof. which way does the egg roll??
2. A plane crashes directly in the middle of the border between Canada and U.S.A. where where the survivors buried?
3. Two babys were born from the same mother, on the same day, of the same year, on the same minute, yet were not twins... how is this possible??
Answeres
1. roosters dont lay eggs, hens do
2. the survivors wouldnt need to be buried, the dead would
3. they were part of a triplet,not twins
i know they are old and easy, but better ones WILL come.
The wife is away on business for a week...
... and she calls her husband.
"How's everything?" she says.
"The cat's dead." replies the husband.
"My god, that's awful! Why did you just blurt it out like that?"
"Well how would you want me to tell you?"
"I don't know, break it to me gently, say 'I have some bad news dear, the cat got up in a tree, and he couldn't get down, and unfortunately...' something like that.".
Fair enough, says the husband.
A couple of days later she phones again.
"How's everything?" she says.
"Well, your mother got up in a tree..."
A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
I know all about it.
One day little timmy overheard a conversation on the bus where a man was telling his friend how he would get his wife to tell him whatever he wanted by saying "i know all about it"
Taking the knowledge of these words little timmy went home and was
greeted by his mother, to which he said "i know all about it" shocked the mother said "i didn't want you to find out about that so heres $20 if you don't tell your father".
So little timmy went up to his father and after his father greeted him little timmy said "i know all about it", his father was confused for a minute and then quietly said "don't tell your mother about this" and gave him $40.
Rather proud of himself timmy walked out the door to spend his money, Upon leaving the house timmy saw the mailman and thought he would try his luck one last time, So he looked the mailman dead in the eyes and said "i know all about it".Immediatly the mailman said "hello son".
A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.
Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!"
That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up.
Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!"
Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine."
The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise.
When he get home his wife takes one look at him.
Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?"
Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed."
Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
God enjoys a good laugh!!
(found on my FB newsfeed)
**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**
* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**
* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**
* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**
* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**
* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**
* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.
**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**
* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN!!
So Prince Charles is hunting in the woods
When he notices a rustling in the bushes. After shooting at it he hears a yelp and goes to see what he's shot. To his horror, he's accidentally killed one of the Queen's corgis. "Oh Mother will be so angry" he thinks to himself. It is at that moment that he stumbles and knocks over a lamp on the ground and a genie appears and says "You freed me from the lamp, so I shall grant you a wish!" Delighted by this amazing coincidence, Charles says "Yes could you bring this dog back to life?" Sadly the genie replies, "I'm sorry but I cannot raise a living thing from the dead, it is too great a task even for me."
Crestfallen, Charles decides he may as well go for a selfish wish then and says "If that's the case, could you make Camilla beautiful?"
Awkwardly, the genie responds "So you shot your dog, huh?"
A rancher and his family have a milk cow...
A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."
Strange Punishment
Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnnie pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnnie's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnnie's mother looked up to find Johnnie and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnnie said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"
In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of
A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."
Childbirth: Special Delivery
A woman goes to a hospital with her husband to give birth because she is going into labor. When she arrives, the doctor tells her, "Ma'm, we have a device that will transfer pain from the mother giving birth to the father. It's incredible! Would you like to use it?"
The woman agrees and they hook her up to the machine. They turn the pain transfer to 25% given to the father. Her husband says that he is not feeling anything, but the woman is feeling less pain. So, they turn it up to 50% and the husband still feels nothing. The hospital staff turn it straight up to 100% and the woman has a painless childbirth and leaves hours later with her child.
When they arrive home, the woman says to her husband, "That was great! It's incredible that we both went through without any pain." As they get out of the car, the family goes to the front door to find the mailman dead on the doorstep. *
That's my b**....
Little Johnny happened to wander into the guest bathroom one morning and noticed his grandmother taking a shower. After a moment of peering through the glass shower door, Johnny asked, "Grandma, what's that?" Startled, his grandmother replied, "That's my b**.... Now, run along and give me some privacy." Satisfied with her answer, Johnny ran off to play elsewhere. Several days later, Johnny wandered into his parents' bathroom where he witnessed his mother showering this time. Johnny pointed at his mother's c**... and declared, "Mommy, I know what that is!" His mother decided to humor the young lad. "Oh really, Johnny? What do you think it is?" "That's your b**..., mommy. Grandma has one too but hers is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."
A couple is about to give birth
The doctor tells the couple to be about an experimental new machine that can help with the pain of labor. The device will allow the mother to transfer some of the pain over to the father of the child.
The labor begins, and the wife begins clenching the husbands hand. She shouts it too much, and the doctor turns the dial to 25%. The husband winces a bit, but he endures. The wife once again, cries the pain is too much. The doctor raises it to 50%. Now the husband is noticeably perturbed, but he endures. Finally, the wife in agony cries once more. The husband asks for the doctor to give him all of it.
Once the machine is at full tilt, the woman has an easy time delivering a healthy girl. They take there child home to find the milk-man dead on the door step.
A Safe Death
A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.
Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Needless to say, he was devastated. Finally the son consoled him enough to leave the office and they decided to go to the local tavern and bury their sorrows in alcohol.
When they entered the bar, all the man's friends were there. They saw how bad he looked and one pal commented, "It looks like you just saw the grim reaper!" The man replied, "Yeah, I just saw my doctor and I've got AIDS."
Astonished, the son pulled his dad over to the side and said, "Dad, I was with you at the doctor's office and he said that you have terminal cancer, not AIDS." To which the man replied, "I know that, but I don't want any of those b**... f*cking your mother after I'm dead!!!!!!"
Little Suzie Goes Swimming in a lake
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
Grandma Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. What's that?
Oh, her grandmother replies. That's my b**..., dear.
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. Mummy, is that your b**...? asks the girl.
Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that? her mother answers.
From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.
A rich man decides to visit Europe
After a few weeks, he received a message from his butler simply saying, "Your dog is dead." Upon his return, the rich man began to scold the butler for how poorly he had handled the situation. "How should I have handled it sir?" The butler asked.
"Well, you could have started with, your dog is on the roof. Then you could have sent another that said, your dog has fallen off the roof and is grievously wounded. Finally, you could have sent another that said, your dog has moved on to his eternal reward."
A few years later, the man traveled to Asia. After a few weeks he received a letter from his butler saying, "Your mother is on the roof."
A doctor invents a machine to transfer labor pain from the mother to the father...
He asks a young couple having their first baby if they'd like to test it. They agree and hook the husband up to the machine. The doctor starts it at. 10%. The guy says he's fine. They crank it up to 40%. The wife is having significant relief, so the husband says crank it up to 80%."I don't know what women are complaining about, this is a breeze."
After a very easy delivery, the couple arrives home the next day to find the mailman dead on their doorstep.
A man robbed a bank...
A man with a gun just robbed a bank. He goes over to another man and asks, "Did you see me rob that bank?"
The man replied, "Yes."
**BANG** He was dead.
The bank robber goes over to another man and asks the same question.
"Yes," said the second man.
**BANG** He was dead.
The bank robber approached a third man and asked the same thing again.
"No, but my mother-in-law did."
Monkey Business
Cop shows up to a bad car wreck.
Car flipped over, family of four dead.
Cop sees a monkey hopping around trying to get his attention.
He asks the monkey, "Were you in this wreck with the family?"
Monkey shakes his head yes.
Cop asks, "What were the two kids doing at the time?"
Monkey pretends he's fighting with someone.
Cop says, "Ah, kids were fighting. And what was the mother doing?"
Monkey looks over his shoulder pretending to be yelling.
Cop goes, "Ah, yelling at the kids. And what was the father doing?"
Monkey pretends he's drinking.
Cop goes, "I see, he was drinking, hmm."
The cop gets up and is about to walk away, then turns to the monkey and says, "By the way, while all this was going on, what were you doing?"
Monkey pretends he's driving.
Two friends meet at a bar
Guy 1: Can you believe i just spent $3000 to cremate my mother-in-law?
Guy 2: Oh really? i only paid $500 to cremate my mother-in-law
Guy 1: Yeah but your mother-in-law was dead...
A 11-year-old child walks in on his parents...
having s**... and his father stops and sees his son with a worried face. The father says to the son while nervously laughing, "Don't worry, it's ok, I just love your mom, go to bed now." The son then goes into his grandmother's room. The father then searches for his son and finds him trying to have s**... with his grandmother, who is still dead asleep. The son looks up to his father's horrified face and says, "It's not so funny when it is your mother, is it?"
My buddy invited me to a party at his place, saying "tons" of people would be coming.
It turned out to be pretty lame. When I arrived, his place was dead silent and he seemed to be the only person there.
However, I checked the living room and found he hadn't lied; your mother was sitting on the couch.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law,
when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle f**... proceedings so far from home, he asks a local f**... parlor in Jerusalem for advice.
"Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150".
"What about if I want to ship her body back to the U.S.?" - the guy asks
"Well sir, that would cost approximately $20,000".
The guy thinks about it for a little bit and says "you know what, better prepare the body and have her shipped back to New York".
"But sir, you would save almost $20,000 if you just bury her right here in Jerusalem!" - the f**... guy responds
The husband responds: "yeah I know, but there was once a guy who was buried in Jerusalem and rose from the dead on the third day, and I'm not willing to risk that with her".
The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...
The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.
The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."
The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...
A woman goes into labor...
A woman and her husband go to the hospital as she goes into labor. The doctor tells them that they are trying a new machine that will transfer a percentage of the pain to the father. The couple decides to try it out. They want to start at 10% and see from there. The husband doesnt feel too much, so they crank it up to 20%. He is still feeling good and they decide to bring it all the way up to 50%. At this point, he is still not feeling very much pain, and he sees how much it is helping his wife. They eventually go all the way up to 100% and the child is born with no pain for the mother. The couple finally gets home and finds the mailman dead on the porch.
My favourite joke ever
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
Super computer knows everything!
They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"
Well, the kid was right.
Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.
Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.
An American man visits the Holy Land...
An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
A boy walks in on his parents having s**...
The boy, traumatized, runs out of the bedroom.
"I'll go talk to him" the father says to his wife.
The father goes to the boy's room but he isn't there. The father checks the bathroom, but he isn't there. The father checks the living room, the kitchen and both yards to no avail. Finally, the Father checks Grandma's room and finds his son giving it long and hard to his grandmother.
"Oh my God!" The father exclaims. The son looks up and stares his dad dead in the eyes,
"Not so funny when it's your mother, is it Dad?"
A woman's on vacation and calls home
She asks her husband, "How's my cat doing?"
The husband says, "The cat's dead."
The woman's upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can't enjoy my vacation now. You could've just said a little white lie, like the cat's on the roof and you can't get her down."
"Okay, I'm sorry," says the husband, "I'll remember that."
The woman says, "Anyway, how's my mother doing?"
The husband says, "Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down."
Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
A college girl from Wisconsin wants to learn about her heritage...
So she decides to take a month long trip around Germany. Now, as a college student, she's dead broke so she hits on a plan to make some spending cash.
A month later, she's back in Wisconsin and her mother says So Gertrude, how did you like the fatherland?
I loved it , Gertrude gushed. I learned so much about German culture. Once, I had a Frankfurter, a Hamburger and a Berliner all at the same time!
Gosh! , says her mother. You must have been stuffed! Could you even walk after that?!
Not for days , says Gertrude, but it was worth it, the money from the video paid for my food for the whole trip!
So, a guy and his mother went to visit his father's grave...
Mother: Son, before your father passed away, he apologized for not being able to be around watching you grow. He said he will always love you even when he's no more. He really meant it.
Son: I guess he was dead serious about it.
\*giggling sound from the grave
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom only to find his granny bathing.
What's that? little Johnny asks his granny, pointing down between her legs.
That's my b**... honey .
Oh. Johnny replies and walks away.
A few hours later little Johnny walks into the bathroom this time to find his mother bathing.
What's that? , little Johnny asks his mother, pointing down between her legs.
That's my b**... honey , replies his mother.
Oh says Johnny. Well I think grannies' is dead 'cause it's tongue's sticking out .
A joke my cousin sister told me when I was 9.
For 12 years Maya was the only child. She was coddled and adored by her mom and dad who gave her all the attention. So when her little sister was born, and she began to recieve less attention, she grew resentful.
She hated her little baby sister and wanted her dead. So while watching her mother breast-feed the baby, she hatched a plan.
That night, while her parents slept, she sneaked into their room and rubbed poison on her mother's n**....
When she woke the next day, she found out her dad had died.
I'm sorry your mother in law is dead
I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?
Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.
oh, thats how she died
no, from the t**... she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.
so, thats how she died
no, fragments hit her and fell on the balcony doors, smashing them and destroying the balcony furniture
well then she died
no. i shot the b**.... she destroyed my whole house
Hey George
George and John are talking and George says he is leaving for another country to work.
''The only only thing i ask from you is to take care my cat and my mother'' he says.
Two months go by and John calls George and says '' your cat is dead''
George is shocked and tells John ''come on man, you should more gentle with such news. for example call me one time and tell me that my cat is on the roof and you cant get it down. Then call me and tell me that you are still trying but with no luck. And then call me to tell me that my cat is dead''
About two months go by again and John calls George
'' Hey Goerge, your mom is on the roof ''
A joke a polish guy told me in work
A poor family living on a small farm. The father gets up in the morning to see his cow dead having been burst open. He cries and sees he can't support his family and hangs himself.
The mother gets up sees the burst cow and her husband and she hangs herself seeing she can't support her son.
The son gets up sees it all and thinks "oh no, how am I going to survive". He comes to a stream where a mermaid tells him she can turn back time if he has s**... with her 10 times. He asks "can I do it 20 times?" She replies yes. He asks "can I do it 30 times?" She replies of course. Then he asks " you sure you won't burst?"
A blonde arrives at work crying out loud
The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:
"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."
The boss comforts her:
"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."
The blonde refuses, saying that she better work to forget about the trouble.
Five minutes later the boss finds the blonde crying even louder.
"What else happened?" he asks her.
To which she responds:
"My sister just called and told me her mother died too."
A man dies and goes to Heaven...
When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.
"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.
"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."
Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.
The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Mark Rutte's clock?"
"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
After a long labourous birth...
... the gynecologist finally holds the baby. Just as he is about to give it to the mom, he drops it on the floor.
The mother cries out in distress, and the doctor goes: "April's fools! It was already dead!"
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, How is everything going?
The cat is dead, he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, Anyways, how's my mom?
She's playing on the roof.
