The Best 95 Dead Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Dead jokes. There are some dead gunshot jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dead dead baby anti puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Dead Jokes and Puns

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead

jokes about dead

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"


I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

Why can't the Tyrannosaurus Rex clap?

Because they're dead

Dead joke, Why can't the Tyrannosaurus Rex clap?

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

β€’ My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

You can explore dead caretaker reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dead viola dad jokes. There are also dead puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are dead.

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

Dead joke, A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin

Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.


What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?

A dead bird.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

Dead joke, How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein.

Because he's dead.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark


Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.


Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic

Cause they're more likely to be dead.

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.

She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"

I said, "That's the point."

Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start

The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP"

"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

I think my wife might be dead...

...my sex life is the same but the dishes are piling up.

Scientists discovered that unvaccinated kids are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There's usually a dead baby.

Why wouldn't the anti-vaxxers child eat his broccoli?

He's dead

What does titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A pun walks in and kills 10 people...

Pun in, ten dead.

What's the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can't tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can't tell if their leader is dead serious.

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. Terry?! you say laughing, Terry's a girls name! Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin' Terry :(

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

What did you do that for? he asks.

Curfew violation, the other guard says.

Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!

I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

A woman in my office died.

A woman in my office died.

It's not like I didn't notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.

Some people got upset and I was like
'Sorry - I CC dead people.'

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a

car...



... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

McAfee not dead actually..

He is still running in the background.

Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?

Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.

I went to the acupuncturist the other day

When I got home my voodoo doll was dead

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.

The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.

The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!

The old man said, That's stupid! The bullet must have been shot by another person.

That's exactly right, said the doctor.

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people

Pun in, ten dead

I put up an electric fence around my house.

My neighbor is dead against it.

The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.

Problem solved.

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone...

Because he's dead

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

If heaven is above and hell is below,

why are we burying the dead and not launching them into the sky?

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

A vampire walks into a bar

He tells the bartender he wants a Shirley Temple. The bartender heads to the backroom and a few moments later, he comes out with his drink. The vampire sips his drink and quickly spits it out. "This isn't a Shirley Temple," he tells the bartender. "I can't help it, buddy," the bartender says. "She's been dead for eight years."

Putin asks Zelenskyi: 'When I'm dead, I bet you will come to urinate on my grave?"

Zelenskyi: "Nah. Never been fond of waiting in line."

Why can't dinosaurs play chess?

Cuz they're all dead.

Four engineers get into a car.

Four engineers get into a car. the car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says :

"its a broken starter"

The electrical engineer :

"dead battery"

The chemical engineer:

"impurities in the gasoline"

The IT engineer:

"Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"

"No, I did not."

"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"

"Well, his brain is in a jar on my desk right now, but for all I know he might be out practicing law somewhere."

A man finds a dead cat and calls the city

Man: I found a dead cat

Operator: oh no! Are you sure it's dead?

M: Yes, I pissed in its ear and it didn't move

O: You what?!

M: I pissed in its ear

O: Why on earth would you do that??

M: Well, I heard that if you go "pss pss pss" in a cat's ear they should respond.

Why do we call dead people 'late'?

Dude, they aren't coming.

A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.

The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.

The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.

The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.

The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies

'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dead dead baby puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working dead achmed the dead terrorist piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes